Disclaimer: Harry Potter and Alice in Wonderland do not belong to me. JK Rowling and Lewis Carol are the wonderful people who created them.

So Cliché It's Not Even Funny I aka Severus in Wonderland

After some time, still feeling a little smoky from the, ahem, garden fire. Snape continued his trek through the forest. He was about to give up on finding anything but tall grasses and vines when he stumbled into a small clearing.

Smack in the middle of the clearing was an enormous mushroom. With a gigantic caterpillar contently smoking a pipe on top. Severus glared at the caterpillar, for the lack of anything else to glare at. The caterpillar blew a smoke ring at him.

A staring match ensured. In the end, the caterpillar won, because Severus was busy choking from the smoke. Blinking watery eyes, Severus did his best to gather his dignity. He would need all of it if he were to ask a ridiculous question.

Drawing himself up, he spat, "Where the hell is this place!?"

The caterpillar moved slowly, like a giant accordion. It also spoke very slowly. Much to Severus' irritation.

"The right side of it, will make you grow, the left will make you shrink." The caterpillar smiled a slow smile, puffed some more on the pipe.

"And what, may I ask, would that mean?" said Severus haughtily. Giving his best I-am-a-genius-and-you-are-an-idiot look.

The caterpillar retaliated with a classical don't-be-silly look. Next thing he knew the caterpillar suddenly morphed into a beautiful (and enormous) butterfly, startling the poor potion master greatly.

Severus glared at the caterpillar-turn-butterfly, "Well? Which side of what?!"

The butterfly didn't seemed to be disturbed by Snape's Glare of Death. Flapping his paper-thin wings, he hovered a few minutes over Snape's head. When it looked like he was about to take off and leave, the butterfly called out.

"Why, the mushroom of course!"

And flew away.

Severus continued to glare for some time. When it was obviously not helping in anyway, he sighed and began to inspect the mushroom. After making sure it was not poisoned, he broke off two pieces, placing each piece in different pockets. One on the left, and one on the right.

After a little hesitation, he took a small bite at the mushroom from his right pocket. At once, he shot up several hundred feet. Blinking in surprise, he looked around, to find that he couldn't even see the large mushroom on the floor anymore.

On the far right, he could see a green field. Dotted with, red and white. well, dots.

Deciding that discretion is the batter part of valor, meaning he didn't want to scare away the Rabbit mush more that necessary, not before he got his wand back anyway. Severus took out the other piece of mushroom. The one in his left pocket, and gave it a tentative lick.

Almost immediately, he shrank to his normal size. Big enough to step on annoying flowers and insects, but not so big that his head brushed against tree branches. With graceful movements, he swirled his robes (which magically grew and shrunk with him) around and stride confidently through the garden.

After a few minutes of walking, Severus came across a small path. Having nothing better to do, he followed a cobbled road. It was fairly straight, with slight twists and turns at the oddest places. It ended with a small gate, much like the ones leading to the White Rabbit's house.

Lifting his robes carefully, Severus stepped over the gate. He found himself facing a rectangular table filled with tea party food. Sandwiches of all kinds, cakes and jellies as well as tea. Lots and lots of tea, Earl Grey, smothered in lemon and honey. Just the way Severus liked it.

His mouth watered, he stomach protest at the lack of food. Then, he noticed the small dormouse snoring in teapot. Rats? They have RATS on their tea table??

Severus was scandalized, before he could decided whether the owner of these goodies were overly fond of rats or just lacking in the hygiene area when a loud howl caught his attention. A brown rabbit, no, no, it was a hare; the ears are too long for rabbits.

Anyway, the hare wearing a red waistcoat, and pin strip trousers suddenly jumped up the table and was doing its best to jam the dormouse, and its snoring, into the teapot. A loony, crazy, March Hare it would seemed.

Shouts of laughter made Severus whipped his attention to the other end of the table. Away from the two struggling animals. What he saw made him wondered whether to be glad or dismay. The laughing creature looked human enough or something like one anyway.

It was dressed in all green. With a green waistcoat, green trousers, green socks, and even a green top hat. It was not the famed Slytherine green either, it sort of muddy green, mixed with acid emerald. Creating a very revolting contrast.

Severus also noticed saliva was flying from that horrible red mouth. Landing straight on the tea part y food. Deciding the he's not hungry anymore, Severus abruptly turned and left the crazy trio to their saliva speckled food.
After some time, Severus Snape, Potion Master of Hogwarts, found himself lost in a different part of the woods. It was different because, unlike the one he was in earlier, which was filled with flowers and other cute things. This one was dark and creepy, with weird creatures like pencils with wings and Potter glasses, and flying books that likes to bite.

And a pink stripped grinning cat.

Upon closer look, Severus found that the cat was standing on its head. Literally. Its head was grinning happily at the effect it was having on Severus; its headless, pink-stripped body was tap dancing on its head.

Severus seriously considered freaking out when the cat started to juggle various body parts, still balancing on the horrible grinning head. A small door suddenly morphed out of nowhere. Severus, having encountered stranger things in this weird land, headed for the door. Anything had to be better than a crazy juggling cat.

He had no idea how wrong he was.

After stepping through the magical doorway, Severus found himself falling face first into a soft comfy bush. Angrily, he stood up, spitting green leaves that looked suspiciously like feathers. He turned to glare at the 'door', which he now noticed floated about two feet above ground.

Following an impulse, he picked up a convenient rock. Threw it at the doorway a split second before it disappears. A horrible yowl that followed made him feel very good indeed.

Feeling marginally satisfied with the world, for once. Severus gave his new surroundings a once over. That's when he saw what the red and white dots were. Hearts playing cards!

All of them were the same size, about a couple of inches taller than he. All sporting the same hearts pattern, although their value ranged from Aces to Jacks. No Kings or Queens.

Severus glared at a bunch of cards nearest to him. There were three of them. All were too busy, trying to paint green apples red, to take notice of him. After realizing his glares were useless, Severus went up to ask what they were doing.

Snape, "What, in Salazar's name are you four doing?"

The Card nearest to him slopped more paint on his brush, "We are trying to paint the apples red.

Severus' eyes narrowed, "Why, thank you for stating the painfully obvious," He said sarcastically, "Now, /why/ are you painting the apples red?"

He folded his arms and sneered at them for good measure.

Card no 1, which, incidentally, was an Ace sighed, "I'm afraid we are not very good gardeners, the last time we tried to plant red roses, we ended up with white."

Severus raised his eyebrows.

"It was absolutely horrible, the last gardeners had their heads chopped off!" 'Ace' shivered in fear.

A sliver of sympathy slide through Severus. But, he told himself, there's nothing he could do here. Not without his wand anyway. With a huff, he made as if to leave, when a blast of trumpet music rose in the air.

With a shriek, the cards threw themselves to the ground. Reflexively, due to his services to his old boss, Severus did the same. The trumpeting continues.

Presently, a large threatening shadow loomed over them. A loud booming voice boomed out.

"MY APPLES!! WHAT HAPPEN TO MY APPLES!!"

Severus winced from the impact.

A tiny voice, very much like Flitwick's, piped up soothingly, "There, there now, my dear. I'm sure we can find out."

A little man, no more than three feet tall, scuttled out from behind the Queen. He waved a small stick, with a red heart at the tip, threateningly at the bowed figures. Severus swallowed to keep from laughing out loud.

"What happen the Queen's apples," he squeaked.

Ace, who was on Severus' right, trembled, "I, um, my King, we uh."

Severus glared at the useless card. Obviously it is now up to him and his incredible verbal skills to get them out of trouble. With impressive fake confidence, he rose to his full height.

"My Lord, you have my full promise the apples will be red."

"They will?" The king looked puzzled.

"Will they?" The cards wondered.

"RED? THEY ARE GREEN!!" The Queen bellowed.

"Oh, yes, yes, green indeed." The Rabbit said absently, fingering the trumpet.

Severus' eyes gleamed, but this time, he did not rush at the Rabbit. As a Hogwarts' teacher worthy of Salazar's house, he will get his wand back with cunning, intelligence and sly.

"Yes, my Queen." He said smoothly, "I can show you, however."

"WHAT!!"

The ground trembled.

Severus pretended to look distressed. "No, no, I cannot ask of that."

"TELL ME THIS INSTANT, OR HEADS WILL ROLL!!!"

Success! Severus smirked inwardly.

Aloud, he said, "I can reveal the apples' true color. If, that is, the White Rabbit is willing to hand me. something, I need."

"The White Rabbit!?" The others chorus.

White Rabbit trembled with excitement and fright.

Severus nodded solemnly.

The king, "And what would that be?"

Severus paused, "What I need, is that stick."

The reaction he got was unexpected. The White Rabbit gave a howl of protest. The king exclaimed in puzzlement and the rest just buzz noisily.

"SILENCE!!" Screamed the Queen. Everyone shut up.

"GOOD!" said the Queen, then, turning to Severus sweetly, "Now, my dear boy, do you play croquet?"

Severus blinked, "Croquet?"

"EXCELLENT!!" Obviously she's ignoring what else he has to say. "Set up the men! Get the clubs! We are playing CROQUET!!"

The ground shuddered in sympathy as Severus was dragged away.

Croquet, as Severus soon discovered, was played with colorful flamingos as sticks and rolled up hedgehogs as balls. Card soldiers formed as posts for the ball to roll through.

The Queen played first.

She gave the flamingo a mighty whirl, and smacked the hedgehog hard. The hedgehog ball rolled across the lawn, various card soldiers hopped quickly into strategic place, all except the last one. Instead of rolling through, the ball rolled right past him.

"OFF WITH HIS HEAD!!"

The soldier was dragged away.

Clearly, it was a dangerous game. Severus, of course, was too smart to be tricked into a dodgy game like this. He would have to play along of course, until opportunity smiles at him.

Grabbing a green flamingo, and giving it the Death Glare when it tried to go limp, he gave the 'stick' an expert twirl and hit the hedgehog with deadly precision. The ball, unfortunately, hit the Queen, smack in the middle of her face.

Although it is extremely undignified, Severus decided to run away.

The Queen is very upset of course, screams of 'Off with his head!' rang behind him as he ran. He could hear the pattering feet of the cards running after him. They rush after Severus, who failed to retrieve his wand. When he saw the Rabbit snacking on one end, he decided to abandon the wooden stick. Damn Rabbit!

He ran, and ran, and he tripped over.

Cards piled on top of him.

Severus fought hard to claw his way out. His fist connected with someone's head with a satisfying clang. Dimly, he could hear the cards cursing him.

"You Slimy git!" "He bit me!" "That Bastard!" "Wake up Idiot!" "Ouch!"

He continued to fight.

"Wake up!" "Stop it!" "Severus!"

"WAKE UP!!"

Severus woke up.