If Samus Was Around
Written by Mark Moore
Based on a story by Jeffrey Scott
Based on a novelization by Mark Moore
Based on a transcript by Sivak Drac
Edited and HTMLized by Mark Moore
Author's note: This is part of a series of stories that I'm adapting from the "Captain N: The Game Master" cartoon episodes. It's not based on any of the other Captain N fanfics that I've written. You don't even have to have watched the cartoon series to understand and (I hope) enjoy this fanfic series.
The premise of this series is simple. I've come to find the characters in the cartoon series to be incredibly stupid. Samus Aran was never in the cartoon series. I felt that she should have been. So, what if Samus Aran (from the comic books) existed in the Videoland of the cartoon series and joined the N Team? How would she deal with all of the N Team's stupid decisions? Find out here!
I'm doing this series out of order, since I'm basing it on episode novelizations that are done for my site, The Unofficial Captain N Home Page: http://ldloveszh.tripod.com
I wrote this story on Friday, January 31, 2003, from 10:30 PM to 11:31 PM. Comments, both good and bad, are welcome.
Final warning: This series mercilessly pokes fun at the cartoon series! You have been warned! Enjoy! ^_^
Saturday, September 16, 1989
Within her lair on the sinister world of Metroid, Mother Brain scans her trillion brain cells in search of a clue to Captain N's weakness.
Mother Brain was looking at her computer mind mirror. Suddenly, she saw Kevin, live-action, playing Nintendo in his room.
"Did you see that?" Mother Brain asked her minions in the lair with her.
Kevin was rapidly pressing the A and B buttons on his NES Advantage. He took his left hand off the joystick and waved it rapidly, opening his mouth as he did so.
"It's Captain N, just before he was sucked through the Ultimate Warp Zone into Videoland."
As they continued watching the mirror, Kevin placed his hand back on the joystick and closed his mouth. They saw the game Kevin was playing - "Bayou Billy". Billy walked right and jumped over an alligator. He missed the second jump. GAME OVER rose on the TV screen and buzzed."Rats!" Kevin said. "Way to go, Captain Klutz! I just can't figure my way around this swampy bayou!""That's it!" Mother Brain said. "I've found Captain N's weak spot!""Uh, you mean he's afraid of rats?" King Hippo asked."No, you rat-brain! Bayouland! He doesn't know his way around Bayouland!"King Hippo scratched his head."I'm not only the most beautiful brain in the world, I'm the cleverest. I'll need a remote-controlled robo-cat.""Ooh, I've got a better idea, Mother Brain." Eggplant Wizard said. "How about a radio-controlled sweet potato?" He made one appear, and it flew off."That's very thoughtful of you." She picked up the Eggplant Wizard. "But do you know what I'd really like, Eggplant Wizard?""Uh, what's that, Mother Brain?"Mother Brain grabbed the sweet potato and held it up to him. "An eggplant slicer!""Yipe!" Eggy cried when the potato splattered on him."Now stop thinking, and get me a robo-cat!""It's tuned to your brainwaves, Mother Brain." Dr. Wily explained. "Just think a - " wheeze " - thought, and the robo-cat will respond."Mother Brain was intrigued. "Hmm,...let's see."The cat's eyes glowed, and the cat made a robotic "meow" sound. It faced the others. The others were all shaking with fear."Hahaha! Looks like Dr. Wily's robot doesn't work!" King Hippo said.The cat jumped on the Eggplant Wizard."On the contrary, it works purrrfectly." Mother Brain said. "Okay, little robo-cat, go into the warp zone and do your stuff."The cat ran into a warp zone.
At the Palace of Power, Mother Brain's sinister plot begins to unfold.
In the Dancing room in the Palace, Kevin turned on a music machine. Some cool-sounding music began playing."I'm not sure I can do it, Kevin." Lana said.Kevin walked back over to her. "Of course you can, Princess. Dancing is easy. Here, I'll show you." He started dancing and spinning.Lana smiled. "Ahh! Oh!" She started dancing. "I like this.""I've got some pretty cool power moves, too."Kevin pressed a button on his Power Pad. He walked backwards in the air and then backwards to where Lana was. He landed back on the floor."Say, why don't we go back to my world?" Kevin asked her. "My friends would hyperventilate if they saw me dancing with the Princess of Videoland."Lana laughed. "Some other time, Kevin. I've got too many responsibilities here."Suddenly, the robo-cat ran in and jumped on Kevin's head. He fell forward, but was still standing."Hey!" Kevin yelled. He stood up straight.Duke ran in under Kevin, knocking him back.Kevin fell to the floor. "Whoa! Duke, will you stop chasing things?!"Lana walked over to him, knelt down, and placed her hands on him."He's been getting me in trouble doing that ever since he was a pup." Kevin said. "Sorry if I upset your cat."Lana leaned in closer to him. "But, I don't have a cat."They both got to their feet and ran after Duke and the cat."Duke, come back here!" Kevin yelled.A lid rose on a wall in the corridor, revealing a blue warp zone.The cat jumped into the warp. Duke followed."Duke, no!" Kevin yelled.Duke entered the warp.Kevin and Lana stopped in front of the warp."Where does this warp zone go to?" Kevin asked her."Bayouland." Lana answered."Bayouland?! Oh, that mutt of mine would have to pick the worst place in the universe to chase a stupid cat! Stay cool, I'll be right back." He jumped into the warp. "Duke!"
A warp opened inside a tree in the bayou. Kevin came out.
"Dukey! Here, boy!"Kevin climbed out of the tree and began searching.
On Metroid, Mother Brain was watching Kevin walk around on her mirror. "He's taken the bait! King Hippo, Eggplant Wizard, take the warp zone to the Bayouland...and make sure Captain N never comes out of the swamp." She laughed.Eggplant Wizard and King Hippo walked up to two small warp zones in a wall.King Hippo bent over and groaned as he tried to push himself into the warp zone on the right.Finally, he stood up and faced Eggy. "Aw, it's no use. I'll never fit into this pipe.""Nonsense." Eggy said. "All you need is a little lubrication." He waved his hands. "Lettuce is green. Tomatoes are red. Turn King Hippo into a salad head."King Hippo's boxer shorts turned into lettuce. Tomatoes plugged his ears. His crown turned into a mushroom."Hey! This ain't lubrication!" King Hippo complained."Into the pipe without any toil." Eggy continued. "Abra-kadabra, vinegar and oil!"The bottles appeared in the Eggplant Wizard's hands. He went over to King Hippo."Ooh, I'll toss your salad." King Hippo threatened.Eggy covered him with vinegar and oil."Let's go!" King Hippo yelled.He chased Eggy around in circles."Ooh, wait'll I get my hands on..."The rest of King Hippo's words were incomprehensible as he followed Eggplant Wizard through the pipe on the right.
At the Palace, Lana, Samus, and Simon were in the Conference room, monitoring Bayouland on the satellite monitor. Samus was wearing her armor but not her helmet.
"I'm worried about Kevin. He should've been back hours ago." Lana said. "No one but Bayou Billy could survive that long in the swamp."
Simon was amused. "Oh, he's probably just feeding the alligators...with himself."
"If you didn't have open warps in the Palace, and if Kevin had kept his stupid dog in his room, this never would have happened." Samus chided Lana.
Mega Man and Kid Icarus came into the room.
"Princess, look what we found!" Mega Man said. "It's a robo-cat! I caught it trying to sneak out of the warp zone!"
"Dr. Wily's the only one who could create something like this." Lana said.
"How do you figure?" Samus asked her. "Surely, there are many other roboticists in Videoland. In fact, I know there are. There's Dr. Wright. There's - "
"We'd better warn Kevin that something's up." Lana interrupted. "Come on, Samus, Simon. We're going to Bayouland."
"Uh, and get my clothes filthy? I'm sorry, but Simon Belmont, the vampire hunter, never travels in the bayou."
"Not even for your Princess?"
Simon smiled. "Well, maybe, if you promise to have dinner with me tonight...by candlelight."
Lana sighed, smiling. "If you insist."
Everyone but Simon walked off.
"I can't believe you agreed to that." Samus whispered to Lana. "You're not very assertive, are you?"
Simon got his mirror out and fixed up his hair. "Did you see that, Simon? She practically begged you." He winked.
They all gathered at the warp.
"Kid Icarus, Mega Man, stay here and look after the Palace." Lana ordered. "Come on, Simon!"
"After you, Your Wonderfulness."
Lana crawled into the warp. Simon followed her. Samus crawled through last. The door slid down over the warp.
Lana, Simon, and Samus warped in under the same tree.
"Ooh. This bayou is creepy." Lana said.
They got out from under the tree.
"Kevin!" Lana called, then pointed. "Let's try this way."
Simon pulled a red cloth out of his backpack. "Wait! Your pretty little feet are much too dainty to step in this muck." He placed the cloth over the mud.
"Why, thank you, Simon." Lana said, touched. She walked across the cloth.
Samus walked across the cloth, too.
"And, more importantly, so are mine." Simon stepped onto the cloth but sunk with it into the mud. "Yai!" He got up, coughing and spitting mud out of his mouth. "I hate mud!"
Duke was walking around the bayou. Eyes looked at him from the bushes. He ran to a log, and a spider walked forward. It jumped on his nose. Duke shook his head to get the spider off. He ran somewhere else.
Kevin was walking around in the swamp. "Duke! Where are ya, boy?!" Kevin walked over to a tree's root and sat down on it, placing his head in his hands. "Duke, you can't be gone. I can't remember what it's like without you. You're the best friend I've got in the world." He lifted his head and looked around. "Especially this world."Suddenly, another root tried to grab him."Huh?" Kevin ran from the live tree but stopped in front of another one.It grabbed him and lifted him up."Hey! Let go!" He drew his Zapper and shot the tree's arm.He fell into the swamp and ran. He stopped at another tree that tried to grab him. Kevin used his Power Pad to jump the tree."Whoa! It's a good thing I'm a whiz with the old Power Pad, or I'd've been in deep...quicksand!"Kevin sank through the quicksand and fell into a cave, screaming. He landed on the cave's floor. He stood up."Phew. For a minute there I could've sworn I was - " He heard growling. " - huh?! Dead meat!" Kevin yelled when he spotted an alligator.Kevin fell back into a sitting position. He gasped, and the alligator advanced, growling. Kevin tried to use his Pause button. Nothing happened."Oh, great! The quicksand's drained my power!" Kevin tried to back away. "I knew I should've practiced this bayou game more. I just don't have the moves."Kevin was backed up against a rock. The alligator prepared to bite him.Suddenly, a pair of hands closed the alligator's mouth shut. "Hey! That there's no way to treat a friendly caller."Kevin stood up. "Thanks for saving me.""I didn't save you. I saved him. He gets awful indigestion from eatin' strangers. Heh, heh." He let go, and the alligator burped. He got off of the gator. "Keeps me up all night."The man walked over to his truck."Hey! You must be Bayou Billy!" Kevin said.Billy got into his truck. "Huh, huh. Must be." He closed the door and began to turn the ignition."Wait! I need your help!""Ifin' y'all are lost, uh, the warp zone out of the bayou is right past them trees." Billy said, pointing."I know. I just came from there. I lost my dog, and you're the greatest tracker in the bayou. Without your help, I'll never find him.""Dog? Well, why didn't you say so? Hop in.""All right!" Kevin got in the passenger side of the truck."I know what it's like to be attached to your pet." Billy turned his head and whistled.The alligator walked onto the back of the truck and stuck its head into the window. Kevin gasped."This here's my pet alligator, Loafer. Aw-haw, looky there. He likes ya.""Oh, just what I need."Billy started up his truck, and they sped off. "Now don't you fret none, kid. When Bayou Billy's done teachin' ya, you'll be able to track down your dog's fleas."
A short while later, Billy and Kevin were above ground again."Now, first thing ya gotta learn about trackin' in the bayou is that footprints don't float. So you gotta look for other signs, like these here broken tulips. Your dog was here, mmm,...I'd say about an hour ago.""Well, then we've got to hurry!" Kevin said.Billy grabbed Kevin. "Hey, hey! Not so fast! Lesson number two: Never travel in the bayou without first getting some power items."
Billy walked over to a tree and got a whip out from under it. "Now, you're gonna have to learn to use a whip if you wanna survive out here." He threw it to Kevin. "Try it out."Kevin walked over to a branch and tried whipping it. He hit himself in the butt. "Yeow!""Huh, huh! Not bad. You hit a movin' target."Suddenly, a buzzard flew toward them."Billy! Look out!" Kevin yelled.The buzzard swooped down. Billy ducked."Let me show you how we do it in the bayou." Billy walked over to Kevin and took the whip. He pushed Kevin away. "All right, you metallic buzzard! Gimme your best move!"The buzzard flew forward. Billy whipped it, and it broke into pieces."See? Nothin' to it."Just then, a big frog-creature came out of the swamp. Billy and Kevin backed away, shocked. It advanced on them."Oh-no!" Kevin yelled. He jumped back with his Power Pad just before getting hit. He landed by Billy. "Phew. Good thing I've got my Power Pad.""Jumpin' won't do you no good against Frog Man.""Why not?"The Frog Man jumped close to them."That's why." Billy held out the whip to Kevin. "Try this. You gotta learn sometime."Kevin took the whip. He whipped at the Frog Man, missed, and the whip wrapped around a tree branch. The Frog Man advanced."Billy! Help!" Kevin yelled."You're doin' just fine, kid."Kevin pulled on the whip. The branch broke and landed on the Frog Man's head. The Frog Man fell over, then jumped away.Bayou Billy laughed. "Nice move, kid! Nice move!" He shoved Kevin forward a bit."Thanks. Can we go find Duke now?""Don't rush it, kid. You still gotta learn about this here bayou."
Billy jumped on some rocks to the other side of the swamp. He motioned for Kevin to do the same. Kevin started jumping on rocks, but he landed on an alligator. It rose, and Kevin almost fell into the swamp. Billy caught him.
Billy was cooking something in a pot. He offered Kevin to have some. Kevin took his spoon and got a little skeleton on the spoon.
Huh?" Kevin asked.
The skeleton raised its arms. Kevin fainted.
Billy knocked on a tree. A hand gave him a first-aid kit.
A bird swooped down. Kevin whipped it.
Kevin and Billy were walking in the swamp. A snake dropped in and swam up to them. Kevin grabbed it and pulled it apart.
Billy sailed his motorboat through the swamp.
"Looks like you're gonna make one jim-dandy swampsman." Billy stopped the boat at the shore.
"Well, come on, Billy. We gotta find Duke now." Kevin said.
"Sorry, kid. I can't come with you. Gotta rustle up some poachers. But you'll do fine on your own,...Bayou Kevin." Billy gave Kevin a hard slap on the back to get him out of the boat, then sailed off.
Mother Brain was watching Kevin wave to Billy. She laughed. "So, Bayou Billy thinks he's taught him everything there is to know about the swamp, does he? Well, we'll see if Captain N can handle my little swamp creature. Is it ready, Dr. Wily?""Any second now, Mother Brain." the evil scientist replied.Lightning struck the tower, and it flowed into the covered creature. The creature rose."Oh, it's so horrible! Only a Mother Brain could love it. I love it!""It's genetically programmed for only one - " wheeze " - purpose - to destroy Captain N! Into the bayou warp zone!" Dr. Wily commanded.The creature ran towards the warp zone and disappeared in a flash of light.
In the swamp, the creature rose from the water. "Captain N!!!"
In the deadly swamp of Bayouland, Princess Lana, Samus Aran, and Simon Belmont continue their search for Kevin.
"Kevin! Can you hear me?!" Lana called. "I think something horrible has happened to him."
"Oh, dear me. You really think so? How dreadful." Simon suddenly stopped himself and Lana from going any farther. "Ah! Never fear, Your Loveliness. I've just picked up the trail. Once you've tracked vampires, all the rest is child's play." He took a magnifying glass out of his backpack and looked at the tracks on the ground. "Hmm,...those are definitely Duke's pawprints. Once my keen tracking skills lead me to him, the mutt will lead us straight to Kevin."
They followed the tracks past the swamp, through a log, over a boulder, and up to a tree. Simon walked into the tree and fell down on his butt.
Simon pointed up. "Ah-ha! I found him! The clever cur is up that tree." He climbed up the tree.
"But Simon, dogs don't climb trees!" Lana called.
Samus smiled. "This should be amusing."
Simon got on a branch. "They don't?" He stopped when he saw a mountain lion in the magnifying glass.
It roared and knocked Simon off the tree. Simon screamed. The mountain lion prepared to jump on him.
"Simon! Look out!" Lana yelled.
Simon whipped up over the branch and tied up the lion. He laughed. "It's a good thing for you I'm an animal lover. Now scoot, before I change my mind and make fur underwear out of you."
He released the lion. It ran off.
Lana walked over to him. "Some tracker you are."
"An honest mistake. Mountain lions are related to dogs, you know."
"They're related to cats." Lana corrected.
"Ah-ha. I always suspected Duke was part cat."
"Oh, brother." Lana moaned. "From now on, I'll do the tracking. Kevin! Duke!"
As they left the swamp, the Swamp Creature came out of the water.
Elsewhere, Duke swam out of the swamp. He shook himself off and barked. He saw a snake. The snake tried to strike, but Duke avoided it. He bit the snake by the tail and threw it.
Kevin arrived at the spot later and saw the prints. "Oh, no. Duke tangled with a snake. Oh, I hope he's okay. Duke, here, boy."
Back at the swamp, Eggplant Wizard was searching around. "There's nothing around here. Do you see anything, King Hippo?"King Hippo walked out of the swamp. Eggplant Wizard was on his shoulders."Naw, there's nothin' under the water. Let's check that way." He dropped Eggy, causing vegetables to pop out of the wizard."Ooh..." Eggy let out.They found a poorly-disguised boat."Look. An airboat." Eggplant Wizard said.King Hippo jumped into it. It broke in half."Whoa! Aw, we won't get anywhere in this piece of junk.""I've got an idea."
"This is the stupidest idea you ever dreamed up!" King Hippo said.The motor and seat were attached to him, and he was floating in the water. The Eggplant Wizard was sitting on the hippo boat."If we don't take care of Captain N, Mother Brain will brain us. Here goes nothin'." Eggy started the engine.They took off in the swamp."Hey! This is terrific!" Eggy said."Look out!" Hippo yelled.They missed a rock."Hah! Missed it." Eggy said.They hit a tree."Oh! Ooh! I'm gonna scramble your eggplant when I get my gloves on you!"The Eggplant Wizard pointed. "Look! There he is."Kevin walked into the swamp.Eggplant Wizard drove at Kevin. "Let's mow him down.""Duke!" Kevin called, then he saw them. "Whoa!" He dove out of the way. He came up from the water. "Huh?" He saw an alligator. "Sorry I don't have time to stay for supper." He used his Power Pad to jump. "Whoa!" He grabbed a vine, landed on the alligator's back, and swung the vine into the mouth for "handles". "An alligator jet-ski. What a concept!" He pressed a button and took off."He's gettin' away!" Eggy yelled.Kevin jumped over a log. "All right!"King Hippo went through it and screamed. They went through some high grass. Kevin then jumped over a blue snake. King Hippo hit it. Kevin steered around a rock. The others hit it. Eggplant Wizard and the steering wheel flew through the air. King Hippo flew through the air. The motor flew through the air. The seat flew through the air.Kevin rode away.
Lana saw footprints. "They're Kevin's footprints, all right."
She and Samus walked over to Simon.
"Speaking of footprints, it's a crime to mistreat such beautiful feet."
Lana smiled. "Why, thank you, Simon. I didn't think you noticed my feet."
"Who's talking about your feet?" Simon asked. "I'm talking about these cute little devils." He kissed his toes.
"Yuck!" Lana said, disgusted. "Can't you ever think of anyone but yourself?"
"I was. I was thinking of my feet."
Simon stood up. "I'm sorry, Your Cuteness. You're absolutely right. I should be thinking more about you, shouldn't I?"
Lana shook her head. "No. You should be thinking about Kevin."
The water near Simon began to bubble.
Simon laughed. "Hey, cut it out. That tickles."
"What tickles?" Lana asked.
"Well, there's a little fish nibbling my toe. That's a naughty little fellow. Simon says stop tickling my toes."
The Swamp Creature popped out of the water and roared.
"Oh, I didn't mean it. You can tickle them all you want."
The creature tried to claw him. He dodged it and ran out of the swamp.
Simon saw a rock and grabbed it with his whip. He spun it around. "To the sun!" He threw it into the creature's mouth. "Chew on that for a while!".
Lana, Samus, and Simon ran away.
"And don't forget to brush." Simon added. He then felt a pain in his right leg and held it in his hands. "Ah. Ooh! Ah! Yow! Ooh!"
The Swamp Creature ate a tree branch then chased Lana, Simon, and Samus. "Captain N!"
"You've got the wrong guy. I'm Simon Belmont. If you promise not to eat me, I'll take you to Captain N."
Lana looked back at him. "Simon!"
"That's treason, Belmont!" Samus yelled. "Lana, you should kick him off the team!"
"I'll deal with him later, Samus!" Lana yelled.
Mother Brain watched as the Swamp Creature chased them. Simon pushed Lana behind him and took the lead.
"Ooh. What a delightful surprise. My Swamp Creature is not only going to devour Captain N, but the Princess and Simon Belmont as well."
Simon, Lana, and Samus came out of the swamp.
"There's a warp zone just ahead." Lana said.
They gasped. King Hippo and Eggplant Wizard came out of the tree.
"Ha, ha. You're not gettin' away that easy."
"You wouldn't want our slimy friend to miss his lunch, would you?" Eggy laughed.
The creature advanced on them, roaring. King Hippo grabbed Simon, and Eggplant Wizard grabbed Lana. They tried to escape but couldn't.
Samus blasted King Hippo and the Eggplant Wizard with one shot each from her arm cannon. They let go of Simon and Lana.