Astrid stared at him for a short while, her eyes growing wide, before she blinked rapidly, seemingly to try to get ahold of her emotions. "Hiccup," she said, slowly, shifting so that his hands would naturally fall away from her face. "You don't have to say that."
Hiccup stared at her, a little taken aback by her lackluster reaction to his confession. "What?" he asked, trying to make sense of her words.
"You're not obligated to say something like that just because I saved you," she said, rolling carefully onto her back, slowly and with what seemed like great pain and effort. "I would have saved you regardless—you're under my protection, after all."
He continued to stare at her. "No, Astrid—that's not what I…I really do—"
"Enough."
The sharp tone of her voice shocked him. His eyes widened slightly as he stared at her in surprise.
Astrid bore a stony expression, and she took in a deep breath, before wincing slightly at the action. "You don't have to stay here, either," she said, not looking at him.
"Do you want me to leave?" he asked quietly, but with a small amount of forceful anger in his own tone.
"No," she admitted," But I want to sleep."
"You can sleep with me here," Hiccup reminded her.
He didn't want her to kick him out—not without explaining what was going on in her head right now.
"I don't want to see you right now," she said, tiredly.
He sat up, adrenaline pulsing through his veins. "Astrid," he said. "Why do you think I'm lying when I say I love you?"
"You are a noble person, Hiccup," she began. She licked her dry lips slightly, pausing to gather her breath, for she had almost lost it in her words and pain. "But you don't owe me anything—and I trust you were not the one who poisoned me, so you don't have to try to go overboard to try to convince me that—"
Hiccup groaned, loudly and with great frustration, running a hand angrily over his face. The noise, thankfully, interrupted her. She turned her head to look at him in surprise.
"I love you," he said, simply. "Astrid, I love you—why is that so hard for you to understand? You love me, right?"
She nodded, still staring at him.
"Well," he said, glaring at her in defiance. "I love you, too. I love…" his voice caught in his throat, and he had to take a moment to fight the emotion rising up in him. "I love the way you sleep, the way you walk, and speak, the way out tuck your hair behind your ears, and the way your Plains accent comes through when you're angry. I love how bold and courageous you are—how much you care for your people, how you would do anything to protect those you love. I love your hands," he took one of her hands in his, "I love these little scars—and the creases in your skin, and…" when he looked at her face, he saw that there were tears in her eyes.
Astrid took in a deep, shuddering breath. She reached out for him with her free hand. He took it in his other hand, and they sat there, holding each other's hands for a moment, before Hiccup swallowed hard. "Do you believe me now?" he asked, softly, almost a little hoarsely.
She nodded. "I believe you," she whispered. "Hiccup…I…" her lip trembled slightly, and it was jarring, almost, to see Astrid look so timid. Finally, she pushed herself into a seated position, breathing heavily from the effort despite Hiccup having helped her. "Hiccup," she began again. "Do you really want to stay here with me? To…to give me an heir?"
"Or risk someone else replacing me?" he asked, scoffingly. "Surely you know the answer to that—"
She smacked him lightly in the arm, an the almost laughed, before she doubled over, coughing.
Instantly, he was back at her side, helping her to lie down. "Do you need anything?" he asked, worriedly.
She shook her head, already looking more ashen than she did before. "No," she said. "I am fine. More than fine. I could die now an die happy for eternity in the next life."
"Don't ever talk like that," Hiccup said, seriously. He realized that the sleeve of his robe had slid up slightly, and she was looking with concern at the minor wounds put there by Drago's torture.
"I will make him pay," she said, grimly.
"So you too think he was responsible for…" Hiccup began.
She nodded, silently. After some time, in which Hiccup had lain down besides her, she spoke again. "I am suspicious of him, at least. I know he hates me—i know he wants to replace me…but I cannot just accuse him of anything without proof. He's too powerful, and has too many powerful supporters. But one day," she said firmly, "I will make him pay."
"I would kill him right now if I could—" Hiccup almost laughed when Astrid pinched him hard on the arm to shut him up.
"And I'd rather you live long enough to finish that sentence one day," she said, sounding almost amused, though mostly irate. "I'm…" she sighed. "I feel so strange."
"Why?" Hiccup asked.
"I'm so sad—that we—that I lost…" Astrid bit her lip slightly. "I was so happy to be pregnant…and now…"
He kissed her forehead. "I know," he said, pulling her into an embrace. "I know."
"And I'm so happy that you love me," she said, snuggling into his chest. "But I feel guilty for feeling any happiness right now…I feel like there's a war going on inside me right now."
Hiccup nodded.
"You don't know how long I have longed, but did not dare to hope, that you would love me," she whispered, softly.
Hiccup tucked her head under his chin. "It came as quite a shock to me," he said, holding her close, but not too tightly in case he caused her any pain. "Do you know when we can try for another child?"
She froze, and he realized that his words might come across as insensitive.
She shook her head. "Not for months yet, I would think, if not longer," she said. "Though I…I need time, Hiccup. I know I need an heir…but I need time to…"
To grieve.
He understood. "Yeah, me too," he said.
"I am sorry, Hiccup, about the child," she said. "I should have been more careful—"
"If you don't stop apologizing about something you were a victim of, I won't give you another child," he said, rolling his eyes.
"But still, I was—"
"You were poisoned," he said. "You didn't do anything wrong. Even if you weren't poisoned, you still wouldn't have done anything to have deserved this. It wasn't your fault, Astrid. Please understand that I—nor anyone else—blames you. If anything, everyone blames me," he added. He sighed. "We'll have another child, someday," he said. "And this time, we'll make sure the baby is born."
She nodded. "Once we have the child, will you stay or go back to Berk like you originally planned?"
"I'll stay," Hiccup said, firmly, realizing that this was his final answer to this question. He would stay—he didn't want to leave…not yet. He wanted to be with Astrid and their future child for as long as he possibly could.
She shifted again against him, before burrowing her face in his neck. She didn't have to say anything, nor did he have to look at her face, to know the happiness she felt at his words.
And that happiness was one that he shared whole heartedly.
Astrid stood up shakily from her seat. Two weeks had passed since Astrid had been poisoned, and she was getting stronger day by day. She was still weak—weaker than the healers thought was healthy. But Hiccup knew the reason.
She was still grieving the loss of their child. She still felt guilt, and that took quite a toll on her health.
"Are you ready?" Hiccup asked her. She nodded.
"Yes," she said, reaching out and grasping his hand when he offered it to her. He squeezed her hand, and she smiled at him. Her smile did not brighten her face, and he wondered if she was smiling for his benefit.
They walked out of her chambers, and as they approached the doors that led out of the royal apartments, Astrid hesitated. This was the first time she had left her apartments since she was bedridden two weeks ago, and Hiccup paused along with her, turning to face her.
"I'll be with you," he said, "Every step of the way."
Behind them, Astrid's guards, along with Camicazi and Heather, stood, in full regalia, solemnly watching them.
Astrid nodded, her face unreadable. "Let's go," she said.
They walked through the citadel, rising in altitude until they emerged beyond into the rear valleys of Cartan. Here, it was protected, though entrance was not forbidden.
"You are the first Wilderwesterner to come here in over two hundred years," Astrid told him, as they stood before the Halei springs.
Hiccup gazed about, marveling at both the heat and the purity of this place. And yet…Heather's words all those months ago rang in his mind. About how his ancestors had defiled these sacred waters.
Astrid stood beside him, before she heaved a breath, and turned around and beckoned Camicazi forward. Camicazi stepped up to them, and handed Astrid a small bowl, on which a candle rested. Camicazi bowed low, before retreating back to the others, a small group that had accompanied them. Hiccup watched as the group knelt down, among them Ramir. Ramir's lifted his gaze to meet Hiccup's, and Ramir nodded in acknowledgment.
Hiccup turned back to Astrid, and saw that she was still gazing at the bowl in her hands, and the candle in it.
"Are you alright?" he asked, quietly, so that only she would hear.
She shook her head, but her words contradicted her true feelings. "I'm fine," she said. "I'm just…"
He placed his hands on hers, stilling them for her hands had begun to shake. She looked up at him, before nodding firmly, and turning to the priestess that had approached them now that Astrid seemed ready.
The priestess lit the candle, whispering words in a dialect of Yorvani that Hiccup did not recognize. Astrid turned to Hiccup, and together the two of them walked to the waters edge of the closest spring. Each holding the bowl with the candle, they placed it in the water, and pushed it outward.
Hiccup helped Astrid as she knelt to the ground, kneeling beside her. They watched is silence, as the bowl floated along in the spring.
"When a Yorvani dies, their body is buried in the earth," she said. "Or burned to ash. It really depends on the clan's preferences," she added, as if as an afterthought. "But…their soul…" and she looked down at her hands, grasping them together to keep them from shaking too much. "Their soul is brought here, to our most sacred place…where the world of the gods and our world meet. So that they may go to be with the gods and our ancestors."
Hiccup nodded his head slowly. Months ago, before he left Berk…he might have argued against this logic. He had little knowledge back then about the ways of Yorvani, but he knew at the very least some of this already. Back then, he would have scoffed at their customs, out of spite, more than anything else.
Now…he felt differently. Now he just felt guilt—guilt at the role his ancestors played in defiling this place that held such meaning to the Yorvani. It was strange, he thought, to feel guilt towards the misdeeds his people did towards the Yorvani. When his own people has suffered because of them.
But the Yorvani suffered at the hands of the Wilderwesterners as well, he reminded himself. He wondered who was in the right, in the end. He was starting to think that no one was, not completely.
Astrid reached out, placing her hand on his, and squeezing it. "Thank you," she said. "For coming here with me."
"Thank you for allowing me to come here with you," he said.
She gave a small noise that almost seemed like a laugh. "I would not have wanted it any other way," she said, solemnly. "You are the love of my life, Hiccup."
A strange feeling swelled up inside him—an overwhelming feeling of affection rose up in him, but the crushing and confusing feelings of questioning everything he was raised to believe, defiled the feeling.
"As you are to me," he said, placing his other hand over their entwined ones. They sat there, until the light of the candle went out, the bowl sinking, and the spirit of their child had finished transcending to the world of the gods.
Toothless, for all that Hiccup had not been able to visit him since Astrid had been poisoned, did not seem to mind Hiccup's absence. That was not to say that Toothless was entire absent, however. Hiccup would feel at times tendrils of curiosity and worry drifting through his mind, especially when he was with Astrid. It seemed his own worry for Astrid had transferred to Toothless—and the creature was now almost equally as concerned for the Sun.
It was in the week following the passing of their child's spirit, that Hiccup received a letter from Berk.
Hiccup held the envelope in his hands, staring at it with wonder. His father had written him again—which meant that, hopefully, all was well with Berk. Hiccup hoped beyond all hope that all was well…but…he trusted Astrid to have told him if there was trouble in or with Berk. So this had to be good news, right?
He dismissed Ipti, who had delivered the letter, before carefully opening the envelope and removing the letter from within. He sat on a pillow, having returned to his own rooms.
My son,
Word has reached Berk that the Sun of the Yorvani has conceived a child. I wish to extend congratulations to the both of you. I also remember from your last letter that you wish to stay in Cartan until the child is born. Though I long to see you again, I understand and support this decision.
Your life will be different than it was, when you finally return to Berk. I may be king again, but my throne comes with puppet strings. But I am relieved that, despite those strings, one day you will be the rightful king of Berk, and will be able to sit upon your rightful throne.
I approve of your decision to wait until the child is born to return home. After all, you may have little contact with the child, and as their father, you have the right to be one of the first people they see as they enter this world.
As I'm sure you know, the Sun has lifted the ban on Berk, as well as released me from prison. It will take some time for things to return to a sense of normalcy here, but we are all thankful. I feel I have you to thank as well, for in the last letter The Sun sent to me, she mentioned you were her motivation.
It seems the infamous War Chief has a soft spot for you, and I can only hope that your relationship with her has been pleasant—or as pleasant as it can be. Whatever the case, though your child will be the future War Chief of the Yorvani, I hope you do not hold that against them.
One day, Hiccup, you may be faced with a choice. The Yorvani… or the Wilderwesteners. When that day comes, you may find your heart divided. I ask you to think about what matters most to you. And whatever you decide, let it be made from the heart.
I hope to one day meet my future grandchild,
I count the days before you return to Berk,
With love,
Dad
Hiccup let out a breath he had not realized he had been holding. So…news of Astrid being poisoned had not reached Berk yet. But how could it—it took over a week to reach Berk even riding the fastest horse without stopping. And Astrid was poisoned less than a month ago. Hiccup slumped down on the pillows behind him and leaned against the wall behind it. Another heavy sigh escaped his lips. Then a strange thought occured to him.
He looked at the letter in his hand to make sure he had read it correctly.
In the last letter the Sun sent to me…
Hiccup blinked in surprise. So…Astrid was communicating with his father. What could they have to say to each other, except for matters of estate and ruling? Surprised, and a little unnerved though not displeased, by this information, he made a mental note to ask Astrid what it was exactly she and his father had private correspondence about.
Rising to his feet, he made his way to the door of the courtyard. Now, the guards in front of Astrid's doors did not barr his way. In fact, they opened the doors upon seeing him walk towards them. As he entered Astrid's chambers, he found that his rooms were still dark—not many lamps lit.
Astrid sat upon her bed, looking at a letter.
"Hey," he said, hovering by the entrance to her bedchamber.
She looked up, smiling at him, before tucking the letter into the sleeve of her robe. "Are you alright?" she asked, looking concerned.
"Why wouldn't I be?" he asked, frowned.
"I don't know," she siad, shrugging and giving him a shy, awkward smile. "I heard you got a letter from your father."
"Did you as well?" he asked, pointing at her sleeve, at the letter she had tucked there. "Is that from my father as well?"
"Yes," she said. "Your father and I write to each other quite often. He is, after all, ruling Berk under my orders."
"So…the two of you only talk about matters of state?" he asked, walking over to the bed and sitting on it. "He told me that you had told him that I was your motivation for lifting the ban on Berk."
Her cheeks grew pink, but she did not shy away form his question. "You are," she admitted. "But he was not supposed to tell you that."
"And?" Hiccup asked, sliding closer to her. "Hasn't me being your motivation already been well established by now?"
"Yes," she said, slowly, her face much pinker now. But she seems to determined to face down his teasing with dignity. "But it is embarrassing."
"Oh?" he asked, now close enough to nuzzle her neck slightly. With one hand, he pulled her robe down off her shoulders. He kissed her shoulder, before following her collarbone with his lips down to her breasts.
She let out a small moan as his teeth teased her nipple, her hands grasping at his shoulders, and he positioned them so he was laying almost on top of her. He kissed her on the mouth, his hands shifting across her body, cupping her sides, her thighs, or her breasts—anywhere he could get ahold of her.
They had kissed, gently, occasionally, over the last few weeks. But nothing more than that. "Oh, Hiccup," Astrid murmured, as he kissed her neck. She gave him a gentle but unexpected push away from her, and looked up at him seriously. "The Healers say I won't be able to conceived for some months, possibly longer," she said.
He stared blankly at her, before nodding slowly. "Yes, I…I was aware of that."
"So…" she said, slowly, a little shyly. "You still want to…?"
He rolled his eyes. "No child will come of it," he admitted. "But that doesn't mean I don't want to be with you. If you want to wait, however…"
She shook her head. "No," she said. "I don't want to wait. I want to be with you, too."
He smiled, kissing her again, harder and more passionately than he had allowed himself to since she was poisoned. She was getting stronger day by day, but still, he was gentle with her, careful not to be too rough or hasty.
Afterward, they lay in each other's arms, and Hiccup could feel Astrid smiling against his chest. He looked down, and he was happy to see a real smile on her face. The first real smile he had really seen in some time.
He kissed the top of her head, holding her close, and knowing that he would do whatever it took to protect her.
To be continued…?
Hi all! Thanks for being so patient with this story. It's been (almost) a year since I last updated it :0 hard to believe. What a crazy year too. I hope you are all healthy and safe.
As for this story, I'm gearing up to get ready to (hopefully) post more consistent updates, (if there's still an audience for it), but if ya'll are still interested in reading it I'd be more than happy to continue posting. I can't promise weekly updates, but I have about ten chapters written in queue (though they need major editing) and have the entire story fully plotted out, so I think I can handle doing at least monthly updates (hopefully!)
Anyway, thanks again for being so patient!