An: In this story, I'll be loosely following canon, but instead of luck, Harry will use his intelligence to get out of situations. He will be stronger than canon but not enough that he can be counted as 'op', at least not to an extent where Voldemort becomes a non-issue. This will be a humorous fic, to an extent and will exploit, to an extent, the lack of common sense that wizards have. I don't want to think of this as a crack-fic cuz its not, but you can think what you want of it.
PS: I will be updating the Wizarding Bat, I've got about 900ish words of the chapter done but I'm trying to finish it.
*** One day in Harry's school library, when Harry is 8.
Harry closed the lid on his latest book, another one from the fantasy genre. It was reasonably well written but the protagonist of the book made it through the entire story entirely on his good luck and a bunch of flukes.
From his own experience, Harry knew that luck had never been on his side. At that moment he decided that he wouldn't rely on luck to solve his problems but then came across the next dilemma.
How would he solve his problems?
The Dursleys' malnourishment of him meant that he wouldn't be becoming particularly strong anytime in the near future.
He had to become smart, beyond the norm and talk his way through life.
That would be the only way he could survive.
*** Privet Drive, when harry is 11
"Fetch the mail, boy." Vernon ordered Harry.
Harry silently went and retrieved the mail, flicking through all of the letters quickly, while walking back to the dining room.
He stopped dead in his tracks at the last letter.
Mr. Harry J Potter
Cupboard under the stairs, Privet Drive, Surrey
There was a letter for him! He had never received a letter before, and he knew that Vernon would never let him read it if he ever saw the letter.
On his way to the dining room, Harry slid the letter into his cupboard before reaching the breakfast table and giving the mail to Vernon and silently moving to clear the plates, which Vernon and Dudley had demolished, including the one piece of toast that Harry had.
Harry didn't bother protesting.
Vernon put down the mail with a satisfied grunt, "What took you so long, boy?"
"I slipped and dropped the mail." Harry lied with a straight face that showed regret.
Vernon sneered, "Shoulda expected it of a freak like you."
Harry nodded quickly and almost sprinted to his cupboard. When he was inside, he eagerly opened his letter.
Dear Mr. Potter,
You have been admitted into the Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, please send you acceptance by owl, no later than the 30th of August this year. The first day of school will be on the 1st of September,
Assistant Headmistress McGonagall
Below the letter was a list of ridiculous sounding books and things to buy.
Harry's heart sunk a bit, but he held some hope. He didn't know what an owl was, so he nicked a pound from Dudley and stole a sheet of a4 paper from Vernon and mailed an acceptance letter to 'Hogwarts'.
He had little hope that it was actually going to work, but sending a letter wouldn't hurt right?
In his letter he had included that he needed proof that magic existed.
*** Next Day
The Dursleys heard three sharp raps on their door, just after dinner.
"Open the door, boy."
Harry nodded and went to open the door, and saw an old woman standing outside in extremely old fashioned clothing.
"Hello, I'm Harry, who might you be?" Harry asked politely.
Minerva nodded, "I'm Professor McGonagall, Harry, it's my job to introduce muggle-borns and muggle-raised to the wizarding world."
At this she frowned, "Though it was expected that your aunt and uncle would already have explained the wizarding world to you."
Harry snorted inwardly and was about to answer when Vernon bellowed from the dining room.
"BOY, WHO'S AT THE DOOR!"
Minerva's lips thinned a bit at the derogatory tone in Vernon's voice.
Harry had to think fast, he couldn't lie because McGonagall would become suspicious, but telling the truth would risk the Dursleys throwing McGonagall out of the house altogether.
In the end he decided to tell the truth, "Somebody from a place named Hogwarts." Harry said softly, hoping for the best.
Vernon stormed into the room.
"Look here, I won't be paying for some fool to teach the freak magic tricks." Vernon snapped at McGonagall.
McGonagall's lips thinned some more.
"Mr. Potter will be attending Hogwarts no matter what a muggle like you thinks of it." She said back before ignoring Vernon completely.
McGonagall pointed her wand at a chair in the corner of the drawing room and levitated the chair.
"At Hogwarts, you will learn several branches of magic, including Charms, Transfiguration, Potions, Defence against the Dark Arts among others…"
McGonagall took a breath, "Let me also warn you that due to events that took place while you were a baby, you've become a somewhat famous personality in the wizarding world. Would it be convenient if I took you to Diagon Alley tomorrow?"
Harry smiled politely, "If you give me the directions and the money, I'm sure I could find my way myself."
McGonagall shook her head. "I'm afraid that muggle-raised are to be escorted to Diagon Alley on their first visit."
Harry cursed inwardly but smiled outwardly. "Then sure, we can go tomorrow afternoon, it is a Saturday."
As soon as McGonagall left, Harry was shouted at, kicked in the ribs and thrown into his cupboard in Vernon's fit of anger.
*** Next afternoon
McGonagall picked up Harry when she was supposed to, noticing but not commenting on Harry's very well hidden wince as he walked.
She gave him a cap to wear before they reached a dirty looking pub that everybody else in the vicinity seemed to ignore.
McGonagall led him through the pub, exchanging a few words with the bartender, Tom, before she took him out the back.
"To get into Diagon Alley, you need to swipe your wand, when you get it, along the bricks like this." McGonagall demonstrated and the wall moved aside to let them through into the bustling magical alley.
Harry stared around in barely concealed wonder. McGonagall hid a smile at his reaction.
"Our first stop will be the Wizarding Bank, Gringotts. Your parents left you their sizeable fortune. We will be making a withdrawal from your trust vault."
They walked up to the teller.
McGonagall nodded respectfully.
"What may I do for you?" the teller asked coolly.
"Mr. Potter would like to make a withdrawal from his trust vault."
The goblin nodded, "Key, please."
McGonagall provided the key, pulling it out of her purse.
The teller, 'Griphook', led them to a cart and belted them in, and sat at the front, as the cart took off at high speeds, falling and rising rather like a roller coaster.
Harry thought that it was designed that way to disorient passengers so that potential thieves couldn't find their way around the underground tunnels of Gringotts.
With a screeching halt they reached Harry's vault.
"You will have to wait outside, Professor." Griphook stated.
McGonagall nodded and waited in the cart.
Harry went inside the vault with the goblin and filled the pouch that McGonagall had given him to the brim with golden galleons, taking as much money as possible.
"McGonagall said this was a trust vault. Does that mean that I have a family vault too?" Harry asked, while filling his pouch with money.
"You do have the Potter family vault but you may not access it till you are 17 or emancipated by the ministry." Griphook stated emotionlessly.
Harry nodded and went back out with his pouch of galleons.
"That's more money than you will need." McGonagall stated.
Harry flashed her an innocent smile. "This way I don't have to come back to get my money for Christmas presents."
McGonagall nodded her acceptance. "Just don't waste it all on candy or anything like that."
"Yes Professor." Harry said.
The first place that McGonagall took Harry too was Madam Malkins, the clothing shop.
Harry inwardly wrinkled his nose at how impractical wizarding robes were but smiled politely and stood completely still while Malkin measured him and the boy standing next to him.
"Hogwarts too?" the blonde next to him asked.
"Yes." Harry said.
The Blonde extended a hand.
"Named after the whole 'Potter craze' were you?" Draco asked.
Harry smiled sheepishly, "Yes."
'Potter craze? Am I that famous!?' Harry thought.
"What house do you think you'll be in?" Draco asked.
Harry hadn't heard about the houses yet, so he answered vaguely.
"Don't know yet, do we." Harry said, making his question sound rhetorical but still there, in case he was supposed to know.
"No, I suppose we don't, but I know I'll be in Slytherin." The blonde puffed out his chest self-importantly.
Draco finished first and his father walked into the store to pick him up.
Nobility, Harry noted, while Draco and his father walked off.
After the clothing shop, Harry was taken to the bookstore.
Harry smiled widely.
"I'll pick up your potions ingredients and you can pick up the books on your list." McGonagall said, before taking two galleons from him and bustling off as if she had done it a million times before.
Harry quickly picked up his school books before picking up a few on customs and traditions, some on Runes and Arithmancy and a few other texts he thought would be useful to keep himself ahead of the class. He also picked up some books that claimed to be about him.
McGonagall came to pick him up and muttered 'Ravenclaw' when she saw the pile of books that Harry had picked up.
Next, McGonagall took Harry to Ollivanders wand shop.
Harry didn't let himself look rattled by Ollivander's speech which left the creepy old man looking somewhat disappointed.
"Ah, Mr. Potter, I've been expecting you. I'm sorry to say that I sold the wand that did that."
Ollivander reached out a hand and touched Harry's scar. Harry had to work hard to not flinch at Ollivander's touch.
After a long line of wands, Harry finally found one that responded to him.
"Aah! SO curious, very curious." Ollivander commented.
"What is?" Harry asked.
"The phoenix that gave the feather for this wand also gave the feather for the wand of you-know-who!"
Harry looked slightly confused. "Who?"
"The man who killed your parents." McGonagall whispered.
"Oh." Harry didn't know how to respond.
He numbly paid the 7 galleons, thinking about this you-know-who fellow.
McGonagall handed him a cage.
"Here, I bought you something for your birthday."
It was a snowy owl.
"Thank you!" Harry responded.
McGonagall almost smiled. "What will you name it?"
*** Hogwarts Express
McGonagall had explained how to get to the Hogwarts Express, Harry managed to wheedle Vernon to take him to Kings Cross at the threat of the 'freaks' showing up again.
He had arrived early and picked an empty cabin.
A red-headed boy opened the door to his cabin.
"Can I sit here, everywhere else is full."
"Sure." Harry smiled back.
"Hi, I'm Ron, Ron Weasley."
"Blimey! Are you Harry Potter!"
Seeing no way out other than outright lying, Harry nodded, already taking a dislike to the redhead.
"Are you really!"
"That is what I just said."
"Do you remember that night!?" Ron asked excitedly, irritating Harry some more.
He had read the book about what had happened. Apparently, the dark wizard Voldemort had shot a killing curse at him but it had been reflected back onto Voldemort and killed him instead, and Harry had been hailed as the saviour of the wizarding world, personally Harry found the story laughable. Obviously, it had been his parents who had done something. With his extremely rudimentary knowledge of runes, he knew that it was very easily possible to reflect the killing curse as long as there was an equal powering source, in this case the taking of one soul, which considering both his parents died before him was quite possible yet all of the rune experts of the wizarding world were clueless about the possibility. Harry had vowed to do more research into runes and such.
Harry politely said that he didn't remember anything as he was but a baby at the time and the awkward silence returned.
A bushy haired girl burst into their cabin, interrupting Harry's musing.
"Have you seen a toad, Neville's lost one." She said in a rush.
"No, but you could ask one of the older students to summon the toad." Harry suggested.
Harry had practised a lot of spells but the summoning spell was 4th year, and quite a bit further than he had tried, though he knew the incantation.
"Oh, I didn't think of that, thanks!" the girl said and left.
"Mental, that one." Ron said rudely.
"She was only helping this Neville fellow." Harry defended her, lightly.
"Probably Neville Longbottom, the squib." Ron snorted unattractively.
Harry frowned lightly. "If Neville were a squib, he wouldn't be on the Express going to a school of Wizardry."
Ron rolled his eyes.
Harry found himself quite disliking Ron and his rude tendency to talk shit about people he didn't know.
Harry pulled out his book and started reading.
"Why're you reading?" Ron asked incredulously.
Harry looked over his book.
"To gain knowledge." Harry said, politely.
"But! But! You're Harry Potter, you can't be bookish!" Ron almost shouted.
Harry's expression hardened a bit and he looked back at his book.
He really didn't like the redhead's attitude toward books.
With the rest of the students, Harry took the boats to Hogwarts.
He nodded politely at McGonagall while she was giving her 'House is family' speech.
He ignored Ron's exclamation that they would have to fight a troll.
He clapped after the hat's song and waited his turn, not showing any of the nervousness he was feeling about the sorting.
"Potter, Harry." Called out McGonagall.
Harry stepped forward confidently and walked up to the podium, ignoring Draco's 'you didn't tell me you were the Harry Potter!'
Harry sat on the stool and let the hat be put on his head, feeling nervous. He really disliked the idea of the hat being able to see all his memories.
"Oh ho, what do we have here! You'd be an amazing Slytherin…" the hat spoke in his head.
Harry agreed, personally, but he couldn't let himself be perceived as a 'filthy snake' by the rest of the school.
"You do know that that is even more reason to put you in Slytherin." The Hat sounded amused.
"I will be in Gryffindor." Harry thought back.
"Very well…" The hat sighed, "If you must, then, GRYFFINDOR!" the last word was shouted out.
Harry took off the hat and headed to the table which was dressed up in red and had two more red-heads shouting about how they got Potter and noted that Draco was looking disappointed at his sorted and a little disgusted.
Harry sat down next to Hermione, the bushy haired girl from the train, who started rattling off what the books said about Harry.
Harry smiled lightly. "The books about me are all false."
Hermione looked almost comically enraged. "But books are always right!" she shouted.
Harry smiled. "Who was there to witness what actually happened that night."
Hermione frowned and fell into the trap, "You and Voldemort."
Harry inwardly laughed at all the flinches that people gave at the Dark Lord's name.
"I can assure you that I've never given an interview and Voldemort is dead, so where does your book get its facts from?"
Hermione looked extremely stunned.
Harry smiled lightly at her, "Just something to think about."
*** Next Day
Harry woke up early at 5 am, and had a quick bath before returning and reading some more, practising some late 1st year spells till 6:30-ish, when some other boys in the dorm started to stir.
Harry headed down to breakfast early and had a quick and light breakfast before taking out his book on an art known as Occlumency and started reading.
He received his timetable, along with incredulous books from Ron, for reading a book and he went to his first class, Transfiguration with McGonagall.
He got to class, barely on time and waited for McGonagall to arrive before noticing a cat next to McGonagall's table and remembered that she was a cat animagus.
Harry winked at the cat, who stared at Harry.
Ron and another boy from Harry's dorm, Seamus, landed up late for class.
McGonagall transformed from the cat into herself and got a few screams and surprised looks.
She lectured them for a while before giving them a matchstick and telling them the incantation to turn it into a needle.
Harry took and deep breath and performed the transfiguration, pushing his magic into his wand, magnifying it and saying the incantation and imagining the needle he wanted, intricate and silver.
It took a long second, but the matchstick turned into a needle with a soft pop.
McGonagall swept over to Harry.
"5 points to Gryffindor, Mr. Potter, amazing needle, first try too! 5 more points because of the intricacy."
McGonagall just got back to the front of the class, as Hermione managed to finish her transfiguration.
"Ms. Granger's done it too! 5 more points to Gryffindor." McGonagall said pleased that 2 people had completed the complex transfiguration in such quick succession.
Harry worked on trying to make his transfiguration more intricate. He tried to engrave a pattern into his needle and managed, though he began to start sweating.
McGonagall picked up the engraved needle, admiring the pretty if simple pattern on the small needle.
"Good job, Mr. Potter, but remember not to exhaust yourself."
*** End of Chapter
An: 3k words! Anyway, I hope you enjoy the first chapter of whatever I decide to name this. Also, 3k words!
An: This chapter has been edited VERY slightly.