"Wait, so let me get this straight. You went on a midnight walk, killed a homicidal vampire priest, and came back to the mansion with a police girl with big tits and a penchant for cannons," said Harry staring at Alucard.
"Well damn, you need to bring me on more of your walks! Do you have any idea how hard it is to find a girl like that who's not afraid to blow the hell out of someone who irritates her with the appropriate level of overkill?" said Harry envious.
"And once again you remind me why you're my favorite bureaucrat," he laughed.
"Oh, I can do one better. If this is the same girl I recall, that means you're going to have a run in with Anderson of Iscariot next and I so want in on that. Screw classes, I've been wanting to deal with him for ages!" said Harry with unholy glee.
Harry held out a piece of paper...and the second Alucard registered what he was looking at he lost one of his many, many lives laughing his fanged ass off. This was going to be so fucking hilarious it was impossible to describe.
"And best of all I had it verified in this timeline shortly after meeting you a second time. So there's nothing they can do to stop me from using my authority as an extension of the Vatican Accounting Department against them," grinned Harry with just as much 'sanity' as Alucard used on one of his more enthusiastic walks.
"I am so bringing a camera to get his expression when he finds out who and what you are," cackled Alucard evilly.
Harry smirked, and it had all the unholy glee of an Auditor about to unleash the evils of bureaucracy on someone who thought themselves above the necessary paperwork.
Besides, he knew damn well the Vatican accounting department hated Iscariot for going over budget so often and had been more than happy to swear him in as a member so he can force them to provide the proper paperwork.
By the unholy paperwork gods, he loved being an Auditor.
"...You know most mothers would tell you off for skipping school like this," said Lily, a few weeks later.
"Most mothers worry their teenage sons are getting laid or up to no good. However I'm going to do what I love best... ruining someone's day legally and in a way they can't challenge me to a duel for," said Harry grinning.
"Well at least I don't have to worry about you getting detention for pranking people you don't like. And it's less harmful than what your father used to pull at your age," she said.
"I'm off to ruin a priest's day~!" said Harry with a grin on his face.
"I expect pictures and chocolate! The good kind!" she called back.
Harry saluted her with an evil smirk.
In Baddrick, later that night...
"Oh hell yes."
Harry was grinning like Alucard on a good day as he turned the ghouls into double dead corpses. He found exploding their heads particularly satisfying.
"This is awesome!" said Alucard.
"I know! What's your kill score?" asked Harry over the intercom.
"Higher than yours will ever be," said Alucard grinning.
There was the sound of thuds, and Alucard turned to find Seras whimpering from the pain of having holy blades in her.
"Anderson here?" asked Harry.
"Be down in five. Have fun," said Harry.
Five minutes was plenty of time for Alucard to play with Anderson while he put on his best Auditor persona.
One floor down...
Anderson was grinning. He had decapitated Alucard and put a lot of hurt into the baby vampire. He fully intended to 'play' with this one until he got bored.
The little vampire ran straight behind a thirteen year old with sharp looking glasses and a well pressed outfit. However something about the brat told him that this kid was far more dangerous than the vampire girl.
"Alexander Anderson, of the Iscariot group?" he asked pleasantly.
The look in that boy's eyes sent shivers of dread down his spine. He wasn't physically imposing but his tone did not bode well for him.
"You're being served," said the boy, handing him a piece of paper.
Anderson cautiously took it. It took him a few seconds before his eyes adjusted to read what it said.
"What in the blood soaked Protestant hell is this?!"
"Be sure to share this with your handler Maxwell. I have papers for him as well," said the boy smiling.
"Who the bloody hell are ye?" demanded Anderson. He was so going to kill this kid, vampire or not.
"Auditor Harry Potter. I'm an auxiliary of the Vatican Accounting Department, since the Iscariot has a rather vexing habit of not filing their paperwork properly."
Seras looked at him with disbelief.
"You're not seriously taking on a psychotic priest with auditing paperwork," she asked.
"Paperwork and bureaucracy make the world go round, little vampiress. You'd be surprised how serious it is," said Harry with a straight face.
"Now see here you crazy protestant bastard. I have a job to do and I intend to do it with great enjoyment," said Anderson glaring at him and leveling enough KI to make a normal person shit themselves or faint.
Harry pushed up his glasses with an affronted look.
"Mr. Anderson, your department in the black section of the Vatican have failed to file their accounting paperwork for the past several decades, and quite frankly you were long overdue for a proper audit. Perhaps if you people had filed your forms correctly I wouldn't be here to serve notice of the audit. And for the record, I am a proper Auditor and bureaucrat. Everyone knows we have no souls to begin with," said Harry with perfect seriousness.
The Dilbert comic strips had that right at least. Auditors didn't have souls to begin with, or the traded them in exchange for being taken seriously by the paperwork gods.
Anderson snarled, and prepared to put the fear of the Catholic god into this brat.
Harry stared Anderson down without a lick of fear.
"Go ahead and try," said Harry flatly. "I happen to know something you don't."
"And what would that be, ye soulless heathen bastard?"
Harry smiled, before casually pointing behind Anderson.
"There's always another zombie waiting for the heroes," he deadpanned with a flat voice.
Anderson turned to look...and found nothing. He turned back, and the two were now missing.
"Oh son of a..."
"...Did you seriously just use horror movie cliches to distract him?" asked Seras in disbelief.
"Why not?" said Harry grinning.
"Where are we going anyway?"
"Eh, killing time for reinforcements to get here, or until Alucard gets bored and decides to show up," said Harry shrugging.
Seras nearly stopped and stared.
"He's Alucard. You really think a little thing like decapitation would stop him?" deadpanned Harry.
"So me carrying Master's head...?"
"Is just giving him one hell of a good look down your cleavage."
Seras looked like she was seriously contemplating the idea of punting Alucard's head down the hallway.
"So was that bullshit you said about auditing him for real?"
"I never joke about an audit. Do you have any idea how hilarious it is to see big-bad fighters having to deal with paperwork and going through the legal channels to do any fighting with their toys? Sometimes fighting directly is impossible, either because they're too well connected or they have the law enforcement tied up in knots. However no one can block an audit."
Harry's grin suddenly went positively evil.
"Besides, have you ever seen how frustrated the big bads get when they have to go through years of paperwork before they can pay for their toys and they can't kill the bearer of bad news?" he snickered.
Seras had the mental image of the deranged priest or better yet, Alucard, having to slog through paperwork and do a lot of math just to pay for their weapons or vehicles...and snickered.
"Okay, that does sound hilarious. But how do you get Master to fill out an expense report?"
"Who says I bother? I do all the accounting for Hellsing and Integra looks the other way if I happen to join or instigate Alucard's walks."
He was the official accountant of the Hellsing Organization. Integra even paid him a tidy sum for doing the books so she didn't have to listen to the lords bitch about it.
Unofficially he was Alucard's drinking partner and walk buddy.
Integra could honestly care less that Harry used her connections as the leader of Hellsing to get more weapons he could play around with and blow up. It was very, very hard to get one's hands on an honest to god bazooka, never mind a simple gun in England.
Unless you were in charge of disposing vampires.
Harry was cheerfully using Alucard as a shield against Anderson. He was so in for it, never mind how furious Maxwell was going to be when he found out they were the target of a very...thorough...audit.
Integra stared at Harry, before she processed what he just said. Alucard had this shit-eating grin on his face the entire time.
"You're putting the Iscariot organization under an audit."
"It might be a off-the-books group associated with the Vatican, but they still receive funding from them. And their accounting department was more than happy to sign me in as an auxiliary member so I could force them to file their backlogged paperwork."
She blinked...before a slow evil grin appeared on her face.
"I'm calling you in so I can see the look on Maxwell's face when he finds out he's being audited by a thirteen year old wizard," said Integra.
"We can have Walter take the pictures so we can enjoy it later," said Harry smiling.
"You are absolutely worth every pound," she said cackling.
If only because he was willing to share the misery with someone who royally pissed her off.
"Believe me, they're really going to hate me when the audit is over. I know for a fact they have several helicopters and have likely been using Anderson to scare off the auditors so they didn't have to deal with the paperwork. I get the feeling we're all going to have fun laughing at Maxwell's misery," said Harry.
"You're auditing the Vatican?" said Hermione horrified and shocked at the same time.
"No, I'm auditing a black book group associated with the Vatican that deals strictly with the supernatural and certain religious sects. The thing is they have all these toys but their paperwork is almost never filed correctly. All the leader of the group does is sign and stamp the files without bothering to do the actual accounting. It's like he expects the department to handle the math."
"...Does he at least file the requisition forms properly?" asked Hermione.
"Nope. He just sends this loose cannon named Anderson if the Accounting Department complains. Total religious psychopath."
"Then they deserve everything that's coming to them," said Hermione.
"To be fair, this is the same group who would have happily joined in on the witch hunts because the bible explicitly states 'Thou Shall Not Suffer a Witch to Live'."
"And you're planning to audit them."
"As I told Anderson, I'm a bureaucrat. I sold my soul to the paperwork gods a long time ago," said Harry.
"Considering the level of unholy glee you get from doing this I believe you," deadpanned Hermione.
"Speaking of unholy glee, how bad was the school hit without me to reign in my father."
"McGonagall doesn't know whether to strangle you for bringing him back and inspiring the twins, or him," said Hermione in a dead voice.
"I hate you so much for being able to exempt out of his class by claiming you need to do work for the week."
"...Want a copy of what is going to be on the O.W.L.s?"
"I am not going to cheat!"
"Take the tests early and get out of his class and into Sirius' slightly more sane one, or keep subjecting yourself to his ego. Your choice. And I'm mostly planning to ask the upper years what they had to deal with so you know what to study for."
"...Dammit, either way I have to suffer being pranked."
"There is a third option."
"Ask my mother for the best ways to revenge prank them and make them terrified of crossing a woman during that time of the month. I think she threatened to castrate Sirius and make James sleep on the couch for the rest of his life if he didn't knock it off."
Hermione stalked off to find his mother. He didn't envy either man, since he was pretty much immune because he was far more terrifying.
Harry was halfway to Charms when his phone started ringing.
"Hello? Oh, so Maxwell is meeting you at the museum? Sure, I can make a quick trip so you can get his expression when he finds out that I'm not joking about his entire department being under audit. See you in ten," said Harry cheerfully.
He loved being a soulless demon from the bowels of hell sent to torture the living with math and paperwork.
Harry's evil chuckles paused.
"Wait, I'm not an evil demon from the bowels of hell... I'm an auditor who enjoys his job too much. Then again, is there even an difference to the uninitiated?" he muttered to himself.
Harry left the castle after sending a note while whistling "God Save the Queen".
In the museum...
Maxwell was very eager to force an apology from Integra. Mostly because he knew it would piss her off, but also because he was appalled by the sheer number of letters and pigeons in the Vatican because Alucard found threatening the Pope funny.
He would have brought Anderson, but the man had been in an insufferable mood since Baddrick and was planning to torture...er, train...some 'lucky' new members. So he had been forced to bring his second choice.
Integra seemed rather...chipper...for a meeting with him. Too pleased, in fact, for it to bode anything good for him. He really wished he could have brought Anderson.
"Hello Maxwell, how is the Pope doing lately?" she said, sounding far too smug for someone asking him for help.
There was no way she wasn't up to something that would ruin his day.
Before Maxwell could insult her in a roundabout way, he saw someone approach that sent shivers of despair down his soul. This was someone he knew without having to say anything that he would never want to be around.
"Sorry I'm late, I'm afraid it took a bit longer than normal to get past the gates," he said pleasantly to Integra.
"You're just in time," she said grinning rather viciously.
Why in God's glorious name was her butler suddenly holding a camera?
"Father Enrico Maxwell? My name is Harry Potter and I'm an auxiliary member of the Vatican Accounting Department. It seems the head of the department has several complaints about your requisition and budgeting forms, so he has assigned me to the case to straighten things out. I'm afraid your funding will be placed on a rather strict hold until everything has been sorted and the paperwork properly filed. You did get the notice we sent a few weeks ago, didn't you?"
Well that certainly explained why Anderson had been impossible to deal with lately.
"I'm afraid that's impossible, I was never notified."
"We sent the notice along with one of your highest ranking members when we encountered them in Baddrick. He certainly seemed to get the memo," said Potter pleasantly, not backing down an inch.
Just being this close to the paper pusher was making his skin crawl.
"Surely we can come to some sort of arrangement? We need that funding to perform our duties for the Pope," said Maxwell smoothly.
The boy took out an official looking clipboard.
"Are you trying to bribe me, sir?" he said with a 'pleasant' tone.
Though only pleasant if you liked having your skin flayed off one layer at a time while salt and fresh lemon juice was being pouring on the wounds.
Why, oh why couldn't he have dragged Anderson with him? He could have scared this kid into backing off and they could have sent him into the damn auditing department to ignore any inconsistencies!
"We still have a meeting to deal with, don't we?"
"I'll be visiting your office by next week, Father Maxwell. Sir Hellsing," said Harry, tipping his head in a respectful farewell.
Maxwell took one look at the Protestant bitch and could tell immediately she knew this was going to happen.
He would see that woman dead for witnessing this embarrassment!
"Hard to believe that brat happens to be my accountant," said Integra smugly.
Yes... he would see Integra Hellsing dead, and soon.
Nearby, in another hall...
"Pay up. I told you I could get Maxwell to look like he swallowed a lemon while a particularly nasty bug crawled up his ass and suddenly died leaving something really unpleasant behind," said Harry.
Alucard chuckled evilly as he handed Harry several large bills. Totally worth it to see that expression on that idiot's face. Best of all Harry was going to keep a record of the painful process by which he would sort out the Iscariot's budget and paperwork, so he could enjoy it later.