Day one of Maxwell's week...
"I'm here to begin the audit. Where's the paperwork?"
"Gah! It's an unholy one!"
Harry's eye glinted, knowing full well Integra wasn't the only one laughing her ass at this scene. He had his glasses spelled so everyone in the magical world could watch him defeat one of their worst enemies in a way they couldn't retaliate for.
Needless to say the magical communities who suffered from witch hunts were paying a premium to watch the "Boy Who Lived" perform his own little payback for the misunderstanding the Church started. Especially since it was only muggles who actually died in those things.
And yes, he was wearing a red troll costume to better emulate the level of spiritual death he was about to cause. The entire Auditing Department wore them whenever they were being particularly Lawful Evil. It was a requirement he forced through after he got hooked on the series.
"I sentence you two to a hundred days of being my bitches... I mean lackeys. You will fetch me coffee, paperwork and do any meaningless task I can think of purely because I am an Auditing Troll."
"NOOOO! Please, have mercy!" said the first priest.
Harry made a grand show of looking up the definition of the word, and drawing out the fact he wasn't going to show any.
"Let's see... mercy- compassion or forgiveness show towards someone it is within one's power to punish or harm. Oh, you're mistaking me for someone who has a soul and a heart!" said Harry cheerfully. Ah, the sweet sobs of people who deserved payback for being assholes but you couldn't go after with the legal system or kill them. "Now where's Maxwell?"
The two "personal aides" (read: Harry's new gophers) sobbed in the background.
Harry gleefully acquired four more "personal aides", put ten priests and a nun under a very unpleasant lawsuit that would take decades to sort through in the courts but make him millions, and gave four people heart attacks.
And it was only Monday.
Maxwell took one look him, then his "uniform" before he put on a rather spectacular bitch face. Harry gleefully took pictures.
This was going to be more fun than when he was sent after the man's replacement!
Day two of Maxwell's suffering...
"I cast thee out, unholy demon!"
"Really? Holy Water and a Bible was your best choice? Please tell me you plan to try an actual exorcism next. I have a few people on speed dial who want to have a talk to the next idiot who bothers them in exorcising a demon that doesn't exist," said Harry bluntly.
Four hours later...
Maxwell wasn't the only one prostate on the ground. Every priest, nun and person not Harry was on the ground, including the Pope surprisingly.
The reason being that Yumie tried to exorcise him and Harry used his phone to call through dimensions and bring Micheal himself down to the earthly plane.
"Really, Harry? I thought you already went through the Iscariots?" said Micheal, radiating exasperation.
"That was ten years into the future. I'm mostly here to make Maxwell suffer and Anderson grind his teeth into stubs. Please, tell them the best parts so I can get back to work," said Harry grinning evilly.
Seeing Maxwell faint upon learning a soulless Auditor had an automatic entry into heaven because the two times he was officially "dead" he was an innocent and the second time for being Martyred was hysterical. Even more so was the expression on the Pope's face finding out that Harry did their accounting when the usual guy was on his scheduled vacation.
"Why are you dressed as a Troll anyway?"
"It's tradition. When going after someone who thinks themselves above the proper paperwork and employs a certain level of overkill to keep us away, the one who manages to make it stick must dress as a troll and make the suffering extra painful as a reminder to file and stamp appropriately. The only reason I don't have the pitchfork is because I was going into the Vatican."
"...Please remember we need them to keep the general level of evil low the next time the demons of hell ask you to help them clean house."
"I'll tell Crowley you said hi and that he owes me a new dog because I totally won our random bet," said Harry sipping his coffee.
"How can a saint be on first name terms with a demon?!" demanded Maxwell.
"I said he has a free pass into heaven. I never said he had to stay there, and his form of evil is what the worst of humanity is forced to suffer in the lowest pits of hell. We need people like him to remind humans not to be the scum of the earth," clarified Micheal.
"That reminds me, I need to do Alucard's bicentennial performance review. He needs to maintain a certain amount of being a vampiric asshole sent to earth to make humanity miserable and drive his superiors insane or he'll have to go in for retraining. So far his prospects are good, but you know what they say prevention is the best medicine," said Harry.
"...You said that purely so he would be inspired to go on a 'walk'."
"I hear Rio is lovely this time of year," said Harry smirking.
"I have vacation days?!"
"My brain has died. Have I gone to heaven?" said Maxwell over paperwork.
"No, and here's the expense report as it should look like from where Anderson allowed Alucard to use the company jet to return him to England so he can stop terrifying the Catholics in Mexico. And the bill to remove the banner Alucard put up on the massive statue of Jesus, since it's Catholic property and they aren't allowed to bill the protestants since Alucard is a Master Vampire on loan from hell."
"...I think I filled out the last twenty forms wrong."
"No, you filled out the last ten years of your life as a member of Iscariot wrong, as well as filed them to the wrong department. I'm the troll sent to fix the mess. Now get back to work, Paperwork slave."
"Good news. You have filed enough paperwork that you will be allowed to go to the meeting over what to do about the Nazi issue. On an unrelated note, Micheal has approved my measure so that if you happen to die before all this is finally finished you will still have to fill out paperwork and send it up via a complicated courier system that makes no sense and was designed by demons to make it impossible for you to get out of hell. So you're screwed either way if you try to get out of this by death~!" said Harry.
"And if this paperwork I also had filled out is approved, that also covers, sickness, amnesia, coma, and any other way you could get out of doing paperwork."
"I feel faint..."
"Oh, and Crowley agreed to take over for me, since I've been missing too much of my magical education to insure a proper level of torture is done. Have fun with the King of the Crossroads while I finish the backlog of magical homework," said Harry cheerfully.
Harry passed the British looking demon with a cheerful nod, whistling something under his breath. He also passed the "lackey" privileges of the two nuns and the priests to the demon.
Crowley so owed him that damn hell hound to send after people who thought death was an acceptable excuse for getting out of paperwork.
"What did I do to deserve this?" wailed Maxwell and many others.
"You're Catholic. The majority of your branch of the bible is based on personal suffering," answered Crowley. "Now get back to work slave."
Back in England...
"Harry, why did I get a marriage proposal from Sir Integra Hellsing?" asked James slowly.
"Because she was turned on by the fact she could have two unholy demons to send after other people, and one of them is more than happy to actually do paperwork?" asked Harry rhetorically.
"Nice job on the costume by the way."
"Remind me to loan you my Dilbert Collection. I'm in charge of picking the panel of the week."
"I love Dogbert! He's a hoot," said Sirius grinning.
"I'm a fan of Catbert to be honest," said Harry with a straight face.
"And I'm completely lost," said James.
"Don't worry, your ignorance is one of your charm points as an ignorant pure blood. Sirius had more free time getting tail and reading up on the comics," said Harry with false sympathy.
"I would feel better if you didn't have the oversized pitch fork poking me from behind."
"I don't. I paid Remus to do it for me. Micromanaging for the win!"
"He pays me ten galleons an hour to poke people who have annoyed him at some point, and you were rather snide last week," replied Remus. It was more than he got for being a teacher.
"So how's it going with producing siblings?"
"We have high hopes on that front. Lily said she went to a muggle doctor to see when the best times are for it," said James cheerfully.
"Remember, the sooner you produce siblings, the smaller the chances are that I'll drag you into to file paperwork at some point," said Harry cheerfully.
James shuddered at the idea.
"So how did you end up auditing the Vatican anyway?"
Harry rolled his eyes, adjusting his glasses.
"The Iscariot relied more on intimidating the auditors to ignore the fact that their paperwork had never been properly filed than actually doing it right. Their Auditors were more than happy to add me as a 'side' employee in exchange for correcting the files. Regardless of what religion you worship, deep down all bureaucrats share the same 'faith'. It just so happens that the Paperwork Gods are universal," said Harry simply.
"...I'm not going to ask. Clearly they are gods superior to even Eldritch Horrors the likes of which would make the Christian/Catholic god cringe. And how the hell did you end up on the good side of the angels?!" asked Sirius.
"First time I 'died', I was an innocent. Second time I was a martyr for these idiots who went to my death willingly despite knowing there was nothing in it for me. Things like that tend to get you in heaven's good books to the point you get an almost automatic entry into heaven so long as you don't go really off the deep end. And then I found the perfect way to get my revenge without losing that free ticket, and here we are now. Though I'm still baffled how I ended up being shunted off back into my younger body," said Harry bluntly.
Integra looked up when she heard the familiar whistling.
"Ah, Harry. I have the expense report filled out for the Blackbird we 'borrowed'," she said cheerfully.
Harry accepted it with a smile.
"How is Seras doing, by the way?"
"She's threatening to send you after the mercenaries we were forced to hire. You may need to go and put the fear of the paperwork gods in them for not filing their tax forms correctly before we resupply them with the ammo they tend to use up."
"Looks like I have plans for the weekend. Oh, and next time you see a Nazi vampire let me know. I want to take my new pet out for a spin," said Harry.
"Say hello to Lucile," said Harry cheerfully, patting something beside him that she couldn't see. The growling however, was pretty much a clear indicator what it was.
"Where did you get a hell hound?"
"Won a bet off the King of the Crossroads."
"Paperwork in hell...that actually makes more sense than it doesn't. So did you get the offer I sent you after you dealt with that slimeball Maxwell?"
Harry beamed at her.
"Give me two more years and I'll consider it. By then my teenage hormones should have kicked into full gear."
Integra grinned at him, for multiple reasons.
"By the way, where is Alucard? I still have to deliver his review."
"Still on the ship."
"Ah. Thank you, I'll be right back."
Ignoring the screams was easy. Dodging Alucard's enthusiastic blood sprays was positively annoying.
"Oi, Dracula! I got your review from the underworld!"
Alucard paused in his massacre to look at Harry, blinking for a moment at the hell hound.
"Where'd you get the dog?"
"Won it off Crowley. Good news... you're cleared for another century of death, destruction and all out anarchy since you filled your quota and desecrated a monument to Yahweh. Nice work on that, by the way, even if it was spur of the moment."
Alucard gave him a fanged grin.
"And I thought the declaration of war using impalement of glorified attack dogs was a very nice touch. And you should probably tell your fledgling that she'll have to fill her own quota once she starts taking her duties as a vampire seriously. Otherwise she'll be stuck in retraining," said Harry.
"Want a few Nazi vampires to play with?"
"Lucile... have at it," said Harry. The hell hound barked and was already tearing into them with gusto.
Alucard whistled in appreciation.
"Think Crowley would mind a few games of poker so I can get my own?"
"He still owes me a few grand. I'm sure he wouldn't mind an extra to our usual games..." said Harry.
"Care to join?"
"I would love to, but the Paperwork Gods have apparently decided to give me a backlog for having too much fun in the Vatican. Care to hear what I did to the lackeys I acquired?"
Alucard perked up.
"I handed over all the priests and nuns who annoyed me over to Crowley, so he could make them do all sorts of menial tasks for a very high ranking demon."
Alucard lost one of his many lives from laughing so hard, but it was absolutely worth it.
His favorite drinking partner that wasn't undead was such a delightful troll!