Author's Notes:

Since the premiere of Teletubbies in early 1997 occurred in the midst of the very media-obsessed aftermath of a tragic occurrence in the American Rockies, the idea of this "Come and See!" live action insert parody has been bouncing around in my head all along. With Teletubbies getting a recent reboot, and the media becoming re-obsessed and bombarding us with several revisitations of the event at the approach of its twentieth anniversary, the time has come to actually write this and publish here.

DEFINITELY NOT FOR KIDS, or anyone who doesn't appreciate a warped sense of humor for that matter. You have been warned!

This story is fiction. Any similarities to any real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

This is all narration. I'll let you picture the imagery on your own.

The Beauty Pageant

Hello! My name is Dawn-Binet, and I'm six, and we're going to a beauty pageant!

My mommy and all the other girls' mommies like to make us look like grownups.

First, we all put on lots and lots of makeup. Mommy puts lots and lots of hair spray on me to make my hair look really big. [Coughing fit]

Then we dress up in these pretty grownup dresses with lots of shiny sequins and lace. I don't know why I have to wear these lace gloves, because they don't keep my hands warm!

Then we each get to sing and dance. Mommy taught me how to shake my tushy to the music. It hurts my feet to dance in these heels, but Mommy says I'd better do it and keep smiling.

Now I get to dress up like a cowgirl. I don't know what it means to be a "cowboy's sweetheart", but Mommy makes me sing about wanting to be one.

After we're done, we all stand up on the stage and the judges tell us who won. All the girls who don't win feel bad, but all their mommies get really really mad and scream at them.

I won this pretty tiara!

I'm so glad I won! If I don't get first place, Mommy screams and calls me worthless all the way home.

My big brother Dirk is always the same whether I win or lose. I think he gets mad at Mommy every time I go to a pageant and leave him at home with a sitter.

I'm home and in bed now, but I'm waiting for my daddy.

Daddy just loves to get me out of bed and give me a bath after a pageant, just to make sure all my makeup is washed off. But he always waits until Mommy's asleep and makes sure not to wake her up. Daddy says she needs a good night's sleep.



Okay, so I went there! You can't jail or sue a writer for bad taste! - MadTom