Author's Note: Hi everyone. This is my first Harry Potter fic. I aim to amuse and titillate. This is what happens when I get my caffeine and get sick of writing my other stuff. So read on and review. Please. Oh and if I didn't get everything HP-related correctly, then forgive me – I can be scatter-brained on occasion. Again, review! Please!
Disclaimer: No I do not own the nice Harry Potter characters. If I did, I'd be rich. That'd be nice. All I own is the plot and the bunnies. You'll understand when you read. Heh. Oh and Mitchelline Wells is mine, all mine. Even if I'm not sure if I want her.
Dedication: Huge thank you to Airelle Vilka whose fault it is that I branched out into HP. Another thank you to Wild-Melody whose support and love for bunnies is deeply appreciated. Thanks to Ally-Kamiya who listens to my rants over HP and preferred 'ships. Big hugs and cookies to Jacks, who was there through my moans about the scariness of this fic. And of course to everyone who told me they'd read this bit of insanity when I was done.
Rating: PG just in case.
Mitchelline Wells, a first year Gryffindor and a prankster after the Weasley twins' fame, just finished planning her new joke. She snuck up to a sixth year Gryffindor and prefect Virginia Weasley and poured some painstakingly obtained love potion in her pumpkin juice just as the intended victim turned to say something to her friend, a seventh year and the Head Girl, Hermione Granger. Mitchelline figured that Virginia, or Ginny as everyone called her, would fall for a random person and since this particular potion should wear off after a few hours, it'd be a fun and not very dangerous joke. She watched sneakily as Ginny raised the goblet to her mouth and sipped the juice daintily. The redheaded girl had her head lowered as Hermione whispered in her ear and Mitchelline held her breath, waiting for Ginny to look up and fall in love with someone. She hoped for a Hufflepuff or a Ravenclaw, a Slytherin would just be too cruel and another Gryffindor would not be funny.
Little did she know that her harmless joke was about to turn into something she never expected. A large commotion could be heard and then the doors to the dining hall exploded open and an ominous figure appeared. It was… Voldemort and he raised his wand, pointing in the direction of the Gryffindor table.
At that particular moment Ginny raised her eyes to see what was happening and, in a moment that could only be blamed on an extreme application of Murphy's Law, her gaze fell on the Dark Lord himself.
"Oh shit!" Mitchelline muttered.
"Voldie!" Ginny shrieked, surprising the former Tom Riddle in the middle of an Unforgivable Curse. She threw herself at him and grabbed his very snake-like face in her hands. "Oh honey, I love you!" Voldemort could only stand in shock as she peppered him face with kisses. Then he started to shake and screamed. Ginny frowned as he spun around and ran out of the hall, unable to Apparate away from the love-ensnared girl. She sniffled and ran after him shouting, "Voldie, I love you, don't leave!!!"
The whole of Hogwarts stood from the tables and began to pile out after the freaky couple. Ronald Weasley, Ginny's older brother, turned freakily red and looked very near a heart attack. Harry Potter, the Boy Who Lived, paled and shot through the doors faster than a Firebolt 2000. Hermione attempted to bring order to the chaos but as even the teachers joined in she gave into her curiosity and followed the crowd.
"Granger," the Head Boy Draco Malfoy said, startling Hermione.
"This is too weird," he snorted, walking briskly, with his black robes swishing.
"Isn't it?" she giggled. "If we only knew how easy it was to defeat Voldie…"
"He's a wimp," Draco replied, shaking his head. "Running from a sixth year like a rabbit chased by hunting dogs. If I ever wanted to be a Death Eater, that just killed it."
Hermione smiled, pleased that another person was turning away from the Dark Arts. "We should hurry up or we'll miss the good stuff," she said.
He nodded, a bit of pale hair spilling onto his forehead. "Come on, I know a shortcut."
They arrived ahead of most of the crowd, having sneaked through one of Hogwarts' secret passages. Ginny had chased Voldemort onto the Quiddich field and persisted in running after him, declaring her love.
"Leave me alone, you crazy chit," Voldemort wailed, tripping all over his dusty robes and dropping his wand. Ginny stopped to pick it up and sighed mistily, then rushed after him.
Harry ran to the door that lead outside and bolted through it, running straight into Hermione, who grabbed his arm.
"Don't interfere," she admonished. "Ginny is… ahem… handling him just fine on her own." She giggled, Draco joining her. Harry glared but resigned himself to watching Ginny's slim form following the dreaded Lord of Evil around the charmed field.
"Voldie, honey, let's get married and have lots of cute babies. We can name them all after you," she sing-songed and Ron, who just made it outside, fainted promptly.
"Leave him," Draco whispered to Hermione, "he'll just faint again anyway. Best to wait till this is over with." She nodded, smiling in thanks.
"Go away you crazy redhead," Voldemort cried out as he had pick himself off the ground yet again after tripping for the billionth time on potholes that seemed to come out of nowhere.
Ginny smiled as she brandished his wand to make yet another hole in the ground. "You can't get away from me. We have to pick out china patterns."
Harry shuddered and felt a hand patting his shoulder. It was Draco, who gave him a strangely sympathetic smile.
"Shouldn't you be cheering for Voldie?" Harry asked snidely.
"Oh come on Potter. If I became a Death Eater after this, I'd be laughed out of society. He's too embarrassing to serve." Draco shook his head emphatically. "No way. Consider me a Muggle lover. In fact I adore Muggles. Yep, that's it." He turned to Hermione. "Hey Granger, wanna have dinner with me?"
"NOOOO!" yelled Voldemort as Ginny gained on him.
"Are you asking me out on a date Malfoy?" she asked coyly, her pretty brown eyes smiling.
"YEEEES!" Ginny yelled out as her prey fell again.
"Yeah," Draco replied, "How 'bout it?"
"Call me Hermione and you've got a deal."
Professor Albus Dumbledore, the Headmaster of Hogwarts, walked outside, his white beard swaying in the breeze gently, muttering something about wrongs gone right. He carefully hid his smile.
"I'll call you 'Mione if you call me Draco," the blond offered.
Voldemort ripped off his robe, which kept getting in his way, revealing a set of pink bunny pajamas.
Harry opened his already wide eyes even wider. "Someone pinch me please? Ginny is chasing Voldemort, who is wearing pink pajamas covered in little neon-pink bunnies, and Draco is asking out 'Mione, who isn't shooting him down straight off. Oww! What was that for?" he demanded angrily of his best female friend.
She smirked. "You did say pinch me." She then took Draco's hand. "Deal."
"Oooh, bunnies! My favorite animals!" Ginny exclaimed. "When we get married I will cover the whole castle in pictures of bunnies, and squirrels and other squishy creatures, just like you Voldie. Cuz you're so sweet and squishy."
Sounds of people gagging could be heard all over the stands.
Harry looked at Hermione, then Draco, then Ron, then Ginny, then Voldemort, and quickly decided he was better off not seeing any more of this. THUNK. Harry fainted. Hermione shook her head, her curly hair spilling over her shoulder, and started to giggle hysterically. Draco smiled indulgently and wrapped his arm around her shoulders.
Voldemort fell again, staining the knees of his white pajama pants with grass. He stumbled to his feet and ran off crying for all of Hogwarts to see. "Someone please make the scary girl go away!!!"
Lavender Brown, another Gryffindor seventh year, wandered up to the Head Boy and Girl. "Hey 'Mione."
"Hi Lav," she replied mid-giggle.
Lavender blinked and looked down to see Ron's unmoving body. "What happened?"
"He fainted," Draco supplied in a slow drawl.
"Voldie? Don't you love me?" Ginny sobbed, chasing him. "We are going to be so happy together. You will give up all your evil ways and spend your time baking cookies and walking old ladies across the street. I will raise our kids and we will have dinner with Ron and Harry and 'Mione once a month."
"Oh," Lavender breathed out and settled onto the ground to cradle Ron's head on her lap. Hermione stopped giggling for a moment to blink at this and then continued to giggle. Draco rolled his eyes.
"Shouldn't we do something about this?" Professor Minerva McGonagall, the Transfiguration teacher and Head of Gryffindor House, asked Professor Dumbledore idly.
"I do believe that Miss Weasley is handling the situation quite well on her own," he replied, his hidden smile growing noticeable. She nodded.
"I like being evil!" he retorted, "And I wouldn't be wearing these stupid bunny pajamas if Wormtail didn't put all my dark, scary clothes in the laundry with his pink thong. Now everything I own is swirled with pink. At least these pajamas are one-colored."
"Thong?" Hermione chocked out. "Did he just say what I think he said? Wormtail and thong in the same sentence?"
"I don't wanna know, I don't wanna know, I don't wanna know, I don't wanna know," Draco chanted, slouching down to hide his head in her shoulder.
"I'm traumatized for life," Lavender whispered, shivering.
"Don't lie!" Ginny reproached, spelling another pothole.
"Okay so I love these pajamas, but my evil clothes are really ruined and I do like being eveeeeeeel," he yelped as he tripped over the newly made hole.
"Make it stop," Professor McGonagall whimpered, hiding behind the Headmaster. He reached with one hand and patted her shoulder.
Voldemort fell hard this time, hitting his head against the hard earth and knocking himself out. Ginny yelped happily and raced over to grab his prone body. She plopped on the ground and dragged him into her lap. "Nice Voldie. My Voldie. Aren't you just the sweetest ever!"
Professor Dumbledore blinked. "Miss Granger. Mister Malfoy. I believe you can discharge your duties now."
Draco reluctantly pulled away from Hermione, stopping his frantic chant and peered nervously onto the field. He trembled lightly but controlled himself.
Hermione pinched herself gently and sighed. "Okay my best girl friend really is sitting there with the Dark Lord in her lap. Great." She glanced down at Lavender. "Lav, can you make sure Harry and Ron get to the Hospital Wing?" The other girl nodded, blinking in shock.
Draco took 'Mione's hand and walked onto the field, quickly performing a Sonorus Charm. "Okay everyone, show over. He Who Must Not Be Named has been defeated by… love." The majority of the Slytherins, especially those connected to the Death Eaters, slunk away quietly.
Hermione swished her wand at Ginny and Voldemort. "Wingardium Leviosa." They floated up and she grabbed a hold of Ginny's robe, dragging them behind her as she stalked off the field. Draco followed, snickering softly.
Madam Pomfrey met them at the door of the Hospital Wing. "Oh dear, this is unfortunate." She allowed Hermione to float-drag the two over to an available cot, nearby Ron and Harry, and undo the charm. The girl promptly covered her eyes and turned around to hide her face in Draco's robes. He quickly maneuvered her out the door.
"That was scary," she moaned into his chest, still using him as a shield against the weirdness of it all.
"Let's go have dinner," he offered and they walked off.
The next day at breakfast, the Headmaster called everyone to attention.
Lavender smiled encouragingly at Ron, who has been unable to get the scary images out of his head and was clearly worried that he was about to become Voldemort's brother-in-law. He grabbed her hand, holding it tightly. Harry still looked pale and disgruntled. He searched the hall for 'Mione but she was nowhere to be found.
"Everyone," Professor Dumbledore started, "Lord Voldemort has been defeated." After yesterday's spectacle the usual collective gasp at the Name That Must Not Be Said did not occur. "And it was done by our very own Miss Ginny Weasley."
The door to the hall swung open and a very red-faced Ginny walked in, escorted by Draco and Hermione, who seemed to be holding hands behind her. The entire audience burst into simultaneous applause. Ginny turned a deep shade of scarlet.
"Speech, speech, speech."
"Oh. Well, th-thank you ev-everyone," she stuttered. "It was a love spell of so-ome sort. And I'm so-orry for the drama." Harry smiled at her and Ginny seemed to light up. She hurried to the table and slid into a seat next to him. Draco quirked an eyebrow at 'Mione who shook her head and dragged him to her table, much to the surprised looks of everyone there.
"I am pleased to announce that Voldemort has lost his grasp on sanity and is now in St. Mungo's, muttering about crazy redheads and pink thongs," Professor Dumbledore added once the din in the hall decreased to a manageable level. Then there was another burst of applause.
And this would be the end.
Voldemort stayed in St. Mungo's forever, possibly due to the fact that Draco confiscated a couple of pictures of Ginny from Colin Creevey, who was an amateur photographer and a year-mate of Ginny's, made many copies and sent one every month to the former Dark Lord. Of course the fact that 'Mione and Lavender alternated every month in sending pink thongs in the same package didn't help much.
It was never found out who it was that dosed Ginny's drink with the love potion, a fact that made Mitchelline Wells a very happy person. She gave up her attempts to steal the Weasley twins' prankster throne and became a very responsible person. Well, most of the time. But that's a story for another day.
Harry finally got his head out of his ass and asked Ginny out at the end of the year feast when it was discovered that Ginny's victory over Voldemort won Gryffindor the House Cup. She, of course, accepted happily. Ron decided he'd much rather be related to a Potter than a Dark Lord and even defended the couple to some members of the Weasley family, *cough*Percy*cough* when their engagement was announced three years after Ginny's graduation from Hogwarts.
Ron himself found out that sometimes, when boys are very dense, girls must take the lead when Lavender had finally had enough and kissed him at the Graduation Ceremony. They were married the next day in a small ceremony because, as Lavender put it, "If we had to wait for him to propose to me, we'll all die from old age."
Draco and Hermione weren't quite so dense. They moved in together right after graduation and were married in a lavish ceremony two years later. This didn't make Lucius Malfoy a happy man but he grumbled silently, since Muggle-loving became all the rage after Voldemort's humiliating defeat.
The biggest surprise of all, however, was when Professors Dumbledore and McGonagall resigned and announced that they have been happily married for the past fifty years. Hermione was one of the bridesmaids at the vow renewal ceremony and cried the whole way down the aisle, clutching her husband's arm.
Okay, now it's really the end. Bye-bye everyone. Hope you enjoyed this little trip into my deranged mind.