A Story Of Finding Where You Belong
It was with a shout that Harry awoke. Again, from a nightmare. He didn't look around his dorm this time as he made himself remember that he had put up a silencing charm around his four poster dorm bed. Although his friends had told him not to worry about waking them with his nightmares, he couldn't let that keep happening, lest he make them angry at him, as he was sure they already were.
It had already been at least a week since his godfather had died. He had been having the same nightmare over and over again since the events of the Department of Mysteries had taken place. Well almost the same. It had started as it had happened, with Bellatrix Lestrange cursing Sirius, and thus Sirius falling through the Veil. Now however, it had changed and was continuously the same. Instead of Bellatrix cursing, and Sirius falling, it was Harry pushing Sirius through the Veil. Harry knew that that was not what had happened, but since his guilt was so strong, he felt like it was what actually had happened.
Dumbledore had told him that it was not his fault, that Sirius was his own man and made his own decisions. Harry tried to take comfort in that, but a few minutes later he just felt the same guilt settle over him, like a well worn and familiar blanket. He bitterly took comfort in the guilt, knowing that he was to blame and that even though others said differently, they thought the same. Ron and Hermione had been good to him, but he always thought he saw the looks of shame on their faces when they thought he was not looking. It was like, even though they were his friends and they wanted to help him, they blamed him.
Harry felt like everything was his fault. At least the bad things that had happened to the ones he cared about. Just because he was the damn Boy-Who-Lived. First his parents, then Cedric, then of course, the incident with Mr. Weasley and then the worst of them all, Sirius.
Harry continued to stare at his curtains, aimlessly with blank eyes. He didn't like waking up at all ends of the night, but he felt that was the least he could do. To atone for murdering his godfather he could go with sleepless nights for a long while. He sat there for a few minutes trying to reign in is breathing to a normal pace. After his breathing was situated he crawled over to the side of his bed and peeked out of the curtains to his bedside table to see the clock. 3:30 AM. Harry groaned silently, then swung his legs around to dangle on the side of his bed, and stood up.
The sudden dizzy that occurred did not even deter the boy, he just simply stood waiting for the familiar dizziness to stop. After it did, Harry went to his wardrobe, pulled out his bed robe. He wrapped himself in it and tied the sash. He then went to his school trunk and fished out the Marauders Map and his father invisibility cloak. He took a glance over at all his friends beds and sighed when he saw that he had not woken any of them up. Knowing that he was not discovered, he made his way to the dorm bathroom on the far side of the large room. He gently opened the door, slipped inside and then closed the door just as gently as he opened it. As soon as he heard the soft click of the door settle, did he breath easier. He automatically went toward one of the sink mirrors to asses his appearance, not that it made a difference to him, he just wanted to see what he had to work with.
He knew that school would be letting out for the summer in two days, so he wanted to make sure that nobody knew how troubled he was at the moment. Oh, he knew people were worried about him, thus the reason to cover up any appearance that would shout: "Hey! I Am Totally SCREWED Up Here! Feel Sorry For Me! Comfort Me!" He made it over to the sink and before he looked up, he took a deep breath. He held it for 5 seconds than exhaled. He did this repeatedly for the next couple of minutes. After he was done calming his mind, he looked up.
The sight that greeted him was not recognizable nor happy. He actually gasped at what he saw. It was the first time in 5 days that he actually had the courage to look at his own reflection in a mirror. He had deep, dark circles under his eyes; his cheek bones were sharp and extremely visible, as was his chin. His neck was as slender as a twig. Okay maybe, that was exaggerating a little, but you get the drift.
'I knew I wasn't eating a lot,' Harry thought to himself. 'But I didn't think I was actually starving myself! Merlin! I look like a damn pole!' Harry didn't realize that he had not really eaten a smidgen of what a bird would eat for a little snack. The teenager just didn't have much of an appetite. 'No wonder I have been getting dizzy a lot!' He thought wryly to himself. It almost made him laugh. He would have if he didn't know that if people ever saw him like this, he would be in big trouble! But at this moment in time, Harry just couldn't bring himself to care.
He continued to stare at himself for a couple of more minutes. Again, he sighed then closed his eyes. He had to put glamours up before he snuck out, in case he was caught by anyone. He didn't want to risk being stopped.
He had a plan to carry out tonight. He knew exactly what he wanted to do, but didn't actually think what he could do to achieve his goal. He wanted to see his mother and father and Sirius again. No he didn't want to kill himself. Not at all. But he knew he needed to. He had thought about it a couple of times in the last couple of days, and a lot more throughout his life, but he knew he had to fight. He was the 'Chosen One' after all. It was up to the Famous Boy-Who-Lived Potter to defeat the greatest Dark Lord ever!
When Dumbledore had told him the prophecy, he took it in his stride. 'Nothing different then what I have done four times already!' He thought bitterly. He couldn't believe that Dumbledore expected him, a 15 year old boy to defeat a well over 50 year old dark wizard who had killed his parents and has a lot more experience then he. No, not defeat. Kill. Dumbledore and the whole big world was depending on a boy to Kill.
Harry just shuddered at the memory of what Dumbledore had told him. He had always thought of Dumbledore like a Grandfather and that Dumbledore had cared for him. Apparently he was mistaken. Dumbledore has been using him as a pawn! Harry growled silently at the thought. Everyone always just used him. Dumbledore used him as a pawn, Ron used him for Fame, Hermione used him to be superior, Snape used him to vent his frustrations for Potter Sr on, his Aunt used him as a house elf, Duddly, a punching bag, and Vernon...Well, Harry wasn't going there at the moment. It wasn't in him to feel anymore shame than he already was at the moment. Long story short, they all just use him.
Harry stopped all though just then, not wanting to dwell on anything other than the task at hand. He didn't want to keep feeling, if all he was to feel was unhappiness, hate and despair. He wanted to be happy for once, and tonight, he was going to find it. So he took all his focus and put it into visioning what he needed to look like and massaging his magic to completely the look. It took Harry several minutes to complete what would take a healthy, un-starved, happy, wizard to do. When he felt his magic settle across his whole body, he looked in the mirror again. He smiled at the now, familiar and recognizable sight. He looked like any normal 15 year old boy.
He spared another second to look at himself, then abruptly turned around gather the cloak, put it on, pulled his wand from his sock, whispered, "Lumos" unfolded the map, chanted the already memorized charm to activate it and opened it up to see who all was still awake at this hour. When he saw that only a few ghosts were present, and not a single teacher was awake, he smiled again, and strode for the bathroom door. He went through as silently as he came in. This time instead of heading towards his bed, he made for the dorm door that led to the common room.
It took Harry about 4 1/2 minutes to make it to the common room. Another minute or so to cross said room and to the portrait of the fat lady who guarded the Lion's den. He again glanced as his map, seeing nothing that wasn't there before, held his breath and pushed the portrait open.
A/N: Hey Guys, this is the first chapter of my first fic! I hope you enjoyed it! Please let me know what you think? What should I do next? Is it good? Bad? Could use some work? Please let me know! RxR! :) ~Jane~