"It feels like it's been forever." The fox said, pressing his back against the chair in a long stretch as his paws slipped from the keyboard. He rose from his chair as he slid it away from his work computer.
"I'm going to take a coffee break," He said as he meandered his way towards the precinct's break room. Unfortunately, his path was blocked by a small, stern looking bunny.
"It's only been fifteen minutes, Nick. Don't you think you should be finishing your report instead?" The rabbit asked. Truthfully, it was not so much a question as it was a vaguely threatening demand phrased like a question.
"Come on, I'm gonna grab a coffee, Carrots. Would you really keep me from doing that?" The charmingly innocent vulpine asked…innocently.
Judy said nothing and stood firm, simply staring at her partner. Her eyes were set and her mouth drawn into a tight frown.
A moment passed before Nick finally gave in. "Fine."
He skulked back towards his computer, mumbling incoherent and likely unpleasant things. He made a show of sitting back down his chair, like a petulant child who had just been denied a toy. He began typing away on his computer as loudly as he could in an attempt to make his displeasure known to his unforgiving partner.
Normally, he would've found a more clever way to express such feelings, but his frustration with recent events (which I'm sure this incredibly predictable author will unload on the poor reader in a storm of expository dialogue and hamfisted narration) had led him to be more irritable and short tempered than he had ever been. It was completely uncharacteristic for one such as him, who prided himself on his ability to keep his personal feelings so well concealed.
Of course, his show of petulance could also be interpreted as a sign of how comfortable he truly was with his parter. That he would so willingly show such an unusual side of himself was itself and act of the utmost intimacy and trust, even if that side were admittedly negative.
After a short time of this the vulpine gave up on subtlety. "I hate doing this." He stated quietly.
"Really? I never would've guessed." The rabbit said snarkily. Her ears rarely missed a statement. She too had returned to her computer.
"These reports are soon boring, Carrots. You don't let me have any fun with them anymore." The fox said exasperatedly.
"And you know exactly why that is fox." She replied annoyedly.
"Well maybe I don't." He shot back defiantly.
Seriously, Author, you need to calm down with the adverbs. You don't need them for every dialogue line. They aren't adding anything and are frankly annoying. It's dialogue. People understand whats being expressed when they read it because the characters are directly stating it. The adverbs are superfluous and give the impression you think your reader is stupid. The fact that I, your narrator, have to tell you this is, frankly, ridiculous.
"Why don't I tell you then." Judy said.
You aren't actually going to just unload a bunch of exposition on the reader are you? I was kidding. Please don't do that.
"You're sitting here writing your report in a normal appropriate fashion because you were put on review with Hu. And I'm here watching you to make sure you actually do it. You're on thin ice, Nick. I'm not going to let you hand them the pickaxe that finally breaks that ice." Her voice was tinged with concern. Her features took on a softer look. "You love this job. That's why I've been looking over all your reports and making sure they're presentable these past couple months."
You're incredible. I mean, really? Could you not think of a more creative way to exposit all over your readers? You literally just had a character say it all in a blob of text. Why anyone would read this is beyond me. You are truly incompetent, in the most extreme form of the word.
AN: Can you stop being a pretentious know-it-all for a little bit and just narrate the story?
To call this tripe a story is an insult to every proficient writer who has ever lived. That I am forced to call you an author raises bile in my throat. And to call this comedy? The very idea fills me with a rage. Laurence Sterne wrote comedy. You write hogwash. I have not gotten a single chortle from this entire work.
AN: First of all, why are you like this? Second of all, what the **** is a chortle? Can you please just narrate the damn story? This is the first chapter in ages I've even written and it's irritating as a reader to deal with all these story breaks.
Hmmph. Fine. Back to the 'story.'
"Uhh, we busted Hu last month for running a bunch of illegal casinos, prostitution rings, and a major drug ring." Nick said, slightly amused at her mention of the elephant. "Did you forget that?"
Judy chuckled, momentarily distracted from her original point. "That was an interesting case. I still can't believe how it turned out."
"It's really too bad no one wrote it all down, it would've made for a good story." Nick remarked with a wave of a paw. "It's kind of disappointing. I'm sure someone would've loved to read about it."
AN: The joke is on all of you if you thought I was going to let this fic have a plot.
Judy shook her head, clearing the tangent from her mind. "My point is, Nick, that I don't want your career ruined because some bureaucrat wants to make a name for himself."
Nick rolled his eyes. "Oh please, as if that's gonna happen. I'm untouchable, Carrots."
"Uh huh." Judy sound unconvinced. "Just let me know when you finish up that report."
"Don't push it."
"What was that?"
"You heard me."
"Just get to work, Nick. Please."
Approximately one hour had passed with Nick and Judy both working away at their desks. Nick was busy with his case report for an arrest he had made recently with Officer Delgato. Judy had been busy preparing a speech she was to give at a local school as a part of Precinct One's community outreach program.
The bunny had been intensely concentrated on her task. The sound of a chair scraping against the linoleum alerted her to Officer Wilde's presence. She looked up to see her partner walking from the room, most likely towards the break room.
"All done?" She asked.
In answer the vulpine gave a nonchalant wave of his paw, not even turning to look at her as he exited the room.
Judy rose from her own seat with a sigh, readying herself to read her partner's report. She did not particularly like checking over his reports, but she felt it necessary. She loved and trusted him, but that did not make her blind to his weaknesses. The fox, while intelligent, also tended to ignore the long-term consequences of his actions.
Of course, her own kind and loyal nature most likely blinded her to the fact what she was doing was somewhat infantilizing.
"Well, might as well get this over with." She said to herself. as she glanced over the typed report on her partner's monitor.
From the desk of Officer Nicholas Wilde, February 18th, Arrest of Suspect Perry Strawman
"Off to a great start already." Judy said to herself.
Officer Delgato and myself (That's Officer Nicholas P. Wilde, for those of you wondering. I'm kind of a big deal.) arrested the suspect after receiving a call about a possible 840.
Or something like that. I don't remember all the codes. Anyways, Perry boy was defacing a statue then he hit someone when they told him to stop. After that he began preaching about his political beliefs and overthrowing the system and threatening animals passing by while simultaneously asking them to support his cause.
There is actually a specific code that covers all of that.
The best part is knowing that not only is there a specific code for this, but the reason there's a specific code for this is because there's actual precedent for it. This specific situation has happened more than once.
I think I love it.
Anyways, Delgato and I find this guy standing on a soapbox in front of a monument to Zootopia's freedom. I want to be extra clear here, though. I don't mean he was just preaching out his political opinions in the middle of the square. I mean he was standing on a literal soapbox yelling his political opinions at animals angrily. He even called them 'sheeple.'
He is a sheep.
I've done a lot of jobs and I've met a lot of animals, but I gotta say I don't think anything quite compares to the magical animals I get to meet on patrol. It's an experience I wouldn't give up for anything.
Before we continue I'd like to note that street preachers are a large and varied group of individuals and to call them all by one name is a complete and total disservice to this time honored profession. Perry falls under what I like to call the PR division of street preachers. It's short for Political Radicalists. It's funny because the last thing these people should be in charge of is PR. Other notable divisions include doomsday predictors, or the Doomsmen, actual street preachers, or street preachers, and my personal preference, the majestic and honest snake oil salesman.
When Officer Delgato and yours truly left the cruiser, Delgato opened up the back door of the vehicle. Don't worry, this'll be important in a second.
So when Officer Delgato and I saunter up, all intimidating, cool (and devastatingly sexy in my case) you'd think most animals would give up right about then. Most animals aren't like Perry Strawman, the CRUSADER FOR JUSTICE AND FREEDOM. Instead he valiantly fought against us.
Now, I want you to guess who he threw himself at.
The fox who was slightly smaller than him
The lion three times his size
If you guessed B) you would be correct. Good ole' Perry threw himself at Officer Delgato, whom from now on shall be known as Officer Brick House, and crumpled at his feet when his head came into contact with Delgato's body.
Delgato, cuffed him, lifted him with one arm, and tossed him into the cruiser. I mean he actually tossed him into the cruiser. Accurately.
In case you don't get it, I mean he actually had Perry in one hand. He just turned around and chucked him into the cruiser. It was like twenty feet away. The door wasn't even open all the way.
Then he just casually walked back to the patrol car like he didn't just toss a fully grown badger across a lane of traffic into a vehicle with one arm.
How metal is that? Pretty [REDACTED:EXPLETIVE] metal.
"Why are you like this?" Judy questioned the screen in front of her.
Its only response was a low electronic hum.
I've always been smooth, Carrots, but I've never been that smooth.
It gets better. Because it also turns out Delgato is apparently a master of debate and rhetoric. Seriously, you're not going to believe his on the spot oratory skills when I get to that part. Even if you disagreed with his point it was just impressive he had one ready so quickly. And believe me, Delgato believes some weird [REDACTED: EXPLETIVE].
Anyways, Perry, like any true member of the PR, never shut up. He was an anarchist, I think. Or something like that. To be honest, all the political radicals kinda blend together to me. I never really cared much about political change, and I've never been involved in 'em.
"We literally met because of a case revolving around a major political change, Nick." Judy spoke as if he were there to respond.
But no one was there and she was alone.
Pears started rattling on about authoritarianism and how we were just puppets of the dictatorial society controlled by the mayor. He was going on about how we needed to deconstruct society or whatever. It was really thought provoking and made a lot of sense until I remembered that we had elected multiple officials, a city counsel, and a bunch of other stuff besides the mayor that actually had power.
So, I was just happy to sit here and listen to Mr. Strawman talk for a while. He had a very melodic way of yelling. Very moving.
Delgato felt differently apparently. He just wheeled around (note: he was driving) and stared at the guy for like five minutes straight while simultaneously keeping up with traffic and not causing us all to die. I, uh, don't know how he did that actually. He eventually just asks Perry how he'd run the world if he was in charge.
Now, I'm not going to say Perry Strawman is the dumbest mammal alive, but he's definitely not a contender for the Nobel Prize. He ain't no Cicero either, so his answer basically came down to "I'd set up a free, crimeless society with no government."
I want you to understand that I'm summarizing here. He used about forty times the words I did just there, and expressed probably half the information. I'd tell you what he said, but I can't honestly remember all of the verbal diarrhea.
"Ew." Judy said, wrinkling her nose up.
Delgato apparently wasn't satisfied, because he asked him how he'd prevent crime in a society without a central government. He did look at the road when he asked this time though, so that was a minor improvement over earlier. It was a good question, and the political and intellectual powerhouse that was Perry Germane Strawman had an incredibly sophisticated and insightful answer.
Ole' Pears said he would have people formed militia to keep everyone in check.
Now, I know what you may be thinking in your tiny bunny-brain: "But how could you have a free society without government if you have an armed militia holding the peace? Doesn't that make your society one of martial law and not really anarchistic?"
I don't blame you for not having the mental capacity to understand, Carrots. I could barely comprehend his genius myself.
No, but he was actually an authoritarian who thought he was an anarchist. This was real. I'm not sure how, but that's what happened.
Of course, Delgato decides to have a debate with this guy over his politics, which Delgato described as "nonsensical and vacant of rational discourse of thought."
Delgato mostly just used big phrases like that. His style of argument seems to be to try and confuse his opponents into agreeing with him. Also, he's a fascist.
I don't mean that as an ad hominem insult to belittle his argument 'cuz I think it's dumb. I mean that literally. Delgato is a self admitted fascist. Apparently he thinks that it's easier to run a society under a benevolent dictator or even a non-benevolent dictator who controls all access to information. And from there that dictator should isolate an entire society so it only has a concept of itself. Don't worry, it sounded much worse when he said it.
In his own words, "If they can't compare their quality of life to anyone else's they'll never know if their lives are bad, and can remain blissfully ignorant."
Someone handed him a copy of 1984 and he's using it as a playbook instead of a warning.
If Delgato ever gets promoted, let's transfer precincts, please. I'm serious, Carrots. He's [REDACTED:EXPLETIVE] crazy.
Perry disagreed with that sentiment, but not really. He thought it was better to have non-fascist society where the people were free and the law was kept by a militia with single leader. He decided not to answer when Delgato asked him how the militia involved wouldn't immediately make it a government of martial and not anarchism.
Perry just called Delgato a fascist instead. Unfortunately, Delgato just took that as a compliment. They both agreed Eugenics was bad though, so I guess there's that. Of course, Delgato only thought it was bad because any act of extreme violence, even on an isolated society, would produce incidents of rebellion and dissent.
We probably shouldn't invite Delgato to our mayoral election party this weekend. I have a feeling that would end poorly.
In the end, both the authoritarian cop and the authoritarian soapbox speaker settled for hating each other and everyone lived happily ever after.
Except for me. It was very, very uncomfortable for me.
P.S. - Yes his name was actually Strawman.
P.S.S. - I was serious about Delgato. Dude thinks it's a good idea to keep an entire society uneducated as a means of progress.
Judy just stared at the screen a moment, her brow furrowed and her lips drawn tightly. It was difficult to tell what she was thinking, or if she was thinking of all. Finally, her paw moved to the mouse and highlighted various sections Officer Wilde's report. She tapped the backspace key as she went, and each vanished.
"I'm just going to have to sanitize this a little." She mumbled to herself as she began typing away.
Her eyes widened as a realization struck her. "Oh. Oh no. He's brought me down to his level."
AN: This chapter was probably the least funny of I've written thus far. Enjoy. Also, as a small note, I will be moving on to a new Zootopia story. If it's good check it out, if it's bad leave a very, very mean review after checking it out. I'd say my updates for this story will be sporadic as I'm writing other things, but it's not like this is regularly updated anyways.