"What the bloody hell am I supposed to do with a baby?" I told myself.
Not even two hours ago, I was the one who acted like a baby, playing Mario Kart and drinking apple juice. I was literally sitting playing video games and eating shit loads of junk food, when there was a knock at the door. At first I ignored it, but then the knocking became frantic. Phil wasn't home yet so I had to open the door myself. Phil was staying at his parent's for one more day, leaving me with nothing to do but play games all day for five days. Once I got to the door, the knocking came to a stop. I opened the door to find no one? I checked around but no one seemed to be around then I looked down to find a small bundle of blankets. I cautiously unwrapped them a bit, to find the a brown haired baby boy who only seemed to be a few months old? Who the hell left a baby at my doorstep? I felt like I was in a movie or being pranked. Once again I checked around to find the person who left the infant but alas no one was there. It was a quite chilly day, so of course I couldn't leave this poor baby out in the streets. I picked the baby up in his basket and took him into the lounge. First thing I should've done was call child services but no, instead I phoned Phil. I placed the baby on the sofa next to me while I waited for Phil to pick up. After the third ring I started to panic.
"Come on, Phil. Answer your bloody phone, you twit." as if on cue, Phil picked up.
" Dan, is everything alright?" Phil asked.
"Hey um we have a problem"
"Spit it out Daniel."
"Okaysosomeonemightvedroppedoffababyatthedoorstepidontknowwhattodohelp" I spit out without taking a breath in between words.
"Someone left a baby at the doorstep and I don't know what to do with a baby, I aM A BABY. I don't know what to do, Philip."
"Did you try calling child services?" I'm so glad he was calm because it helped me relax a bit.
"Uh, I've only called you?' I heard him sigh.
"Of course you did, Daniel." He laughed.
"okay but what do I do with- No no no please don't cr- bloody hell he started crying" How do I make a baby stop crying?
" Dan, calm down, just call child services and tell them what happened. Also get the baby some milk, he's probably hungry."
"Thanks Phil. You always know what to do." I rocked the basket to help soothe him.
" You do know, you and I both don't know much about infants, I know no more than you do. I have to go Dan, my mum is calling me down for dinner! I'll be back home tomorrow afternoon. Don't kill the baby, Daniel. Byeee" and with that he hung up.
I picked up the baby from his basket where I then proceeded to the kitchen for some milk.
"Fuck, I don't have have any baby bottles." I said out loud. Instead of heating up some milk, I decided it was best to phone child services. I pressed down on the home button till I saw Siri pop up.
"Siri, phone London child services." I instructed.
"Calling Chris Kendall"
"No no no! Call Child services" dumb phone
"Ok. Calling Caspar Lee." You've got to be kidding me.
"Aggghhh! I hate siri, No! I dont want to call that bloody pineapple!" I screamed out which scared the baby even more.
I rocked him in my arms to calm him down which helped a little. I picked up my phone and looked up ' London's child services' but just as I was about to call, I saw that they closed at 9pm and it was now 9:34pm and don't open till Monday which is in 3 days. I'll have to tell Phil about this. I pressed down once again on my home button for Siri.
"Hey Siri, phone Phil Lester."
"Phoning 'King of the Universe'" Dammit Phil, seriously? Whatever just pick up.
"Hey Dan, what happened?"
"Well, child services are closed till Monday, meaning I'll have to keep him for 3 bloody days." I looked down at him to find him fast asleep since I've been rocking him this whole time.
" Do you know his name?"
"How the hell am I supposed to know his name?"
"Well did he come in something? A basket maybe?" What an idiot am I.
"Oh right, let me go check" I rushed to the basket in the lounge.
"Do you see anything?" Phil asked me.
"Uh there's nothing in here. It was just the blue blanket which is what he's currently wrapped in" I unwrapped him to see what was inside. He was wearing a white thin shirt and nappy.
"Hey Phil, I think I found something. There's a note pinned to his shirt. It says 'Hi, my name is Liam. My mum could not watch out for me, she is very truly sorry x' so this poor kid's mum couldn't look after him but why me, Phil?"
"Dan, you need to calm down. It'll make Liam wake up. You need to get him food and nappies if you're keeping him this long." He told me.
"That means I'll have to actually go outs-"
"Stop complaining. On the bright side, he'll keep you company whilst I'm gone! I'll be home soon so I'll help you tomorrow." he reassured me.
"Fine, bye Phi-wait what do I do with him? Do I take him with me?"
"What kind of question is that Daniel James Howell? Of course you have to take him with you! You can't just leave him alone. How old is he?"
"How do I tell? He looks very young"
"Send me a picture" I took a picture of the sleeping baby and sent it to Phil.
"Aw! He's so cute. I don't know either. I'll ask my mum, she's right here.
"okay." I heard Phil call out to his mum.
"Hey mum, so Dan and I were trying to see who's the closes to guessing this baby's age. How old would you say he is?"
I'm so glad he decided to not tell his mum the situation we're in.
"Hello Daniel!" Phil's mum greeted me.
"Hello !" I greeted politely.
"I'd say he's about 3 months old, he's quite a quite a cute baby. Sort of looks like you when you were a baby, Philip. Also looks a little like you, Dan. Well anyway, who won the guessing game?" she asked.
"Phil did. He guessed 4 months which is way closer than 5." Mrs. Lester laughed then said her goodbyes so Phil and I could continue talking.
"Wow that's so young." I told Phil.
"I know, we can't tell anyone about this because it'll just cause more stress on us."Phil explained.
"Dan, it's nearly 10 pm, you should go to Tesco now. It's not safe for the baby nor you to be out this late."
"I'll have to find something warm for him to wear and since we don't own baby clothes nor small blankets, I'll have to go out and buy those as well. Bye Phil."
"Bye, Daniel. Be safe" I hung up and went to my room with Liam. It was a pretty chilly night today since it's late, meaning I'll have to find something warm myself. I placed Liam on my bed so he could sleep whilst I looked for a small shirt to wrap him in. The warmest thing I found was my halloween jumper and a small blanket. I tried my best to wrap Liam in both but failed miserably. He looked like a weird looking burrito. As long as he was covered up, it was fine. I quickly put my shoes on and grabbed the jacket along with my keys from the floor.
I should really tidy up more often.
I gently picked the baby up and carried him in my arms. I started heading out the door when I decided it was best to just go to Superdrug which was only a 9 minute walk from the flat. I'll just go to Tesco to get the rest in the morning. Soon enough, I got to Superdrug where then I went directly to baby aisle. There were so many freaking brands of nappies. I decided to go with the travel size 10 pack, babies shouldn't need more right? After the nappies and baby wipes, I grabbed a formula mix, and a single baby bottle.
"Jesus Christ nappies are so expensive. What are they made out of? Gold?" I complained to myself.
I saw a baby bodysuit on the way to the check out. Liam began to stir a bit so I rocked him in arms. I placed my items on the counter to be checked out. The cashier luckily did not question me, seeing as I have absolutely no idea what to do with a child. The total was 29.63£. Babies are so bloody expensive. I quickly paid and went straight home. Once I was home, Liam started getting a little fussy. He started to smell too. I took him into my room to check him.
"Please don't tell me you have a dirty nappy." He was started to cry meaning he needed a nappy change. Kill me now why don't you? I knew nothing about changing a nappy.
"Liammm. You are going to have to stop crying and cooperate with me here if you want to be changed." I took out the nappy from the plastic bag. What the hell do I do now? I'm probably going to do this wrong. I got out the baby wipes and started wiping or something, I really don't know what I was doing.
"Gross Liam. Why do people like babies? They're so messy." I said as I attempted to figure out how to put the nappy on him. After about 5 minutes of fails, I think I got it right.
"There we go baby, no more tears!" I was actually quite proud. I decided to send a picture to Phil to share my accomplishment. Next was the bodysuit. Right as I was about to put the bodysuit on Liam, Phil replied back.
Phil: I know I'm not a baby expert or anything but I'm pretty sure you put his nappy on backwards :/
Dan: fuck you're right, Phil.
I fixed Liam's nappy successfully and put his bodysuit on without any issues. Liam was already fast asleep but I had to wake him up for give him a bottle in a few minutes. He probably hasn't been feed in a few hours. Before I went to the kitchen to prepare the bottle, I got all my and Phil's pillows and put them around Liam so he wouldn't fall off the bed.
The formula tin said to pour 1 and a half scoops of formula into hot water and to shake thoroughly. I boiled up some water on the stove and poured the formula. Suddenly I heard the baby start crying. I closed the lid on the bottle and started shaking vigorously as I sprinted to my room to check up on Liam.
"Hey baby, please don't cry. Shh Shh Shh I'm here now and look I have a bottle for you." I held him in my arms to calm him down. I checked if the bottle wasn't too hot for him to drink before I fed him. He drank it very fast meaning he was probably very hungry. Once he finished he drifted off to sleep so I removed the bottle from his mouth. He was a very cute baby. Phil's mum was right, he did look like Phil with my hobbit hair. I needed to stay alert so I don't accidentally hurt him in my sleep. It was only 11pm and I was exhausted. I think I should just rest my eyes for 10 minutes...