Disclaimer: Consider it disclaimed.

A/N: I figured, having been a while since I last had one of these bursts of insanity, it's about time for another.




Farmer Maxie


Who among us has not, at one point in time or another, encountered the classic Farmer's Problem? You know the one (oh yes you do); these are the parameters.

A farmer must move a chicken, a bag of grain and a fox from one bank of the river to the other by boat. The boat can hold only the farmer and one other object at a time. If the chicken is left unattended on a bank with the grain, it will eat it. The fox will eat the chicken if they are left unattended. What does the farmer do? (That's a rhetorical question -- don't answer it.)

The true issue at hand today is not the farmer's dilemma, but the dilemma of another. For the sake of continuity, let's call this "other" Farmer Maxie.

Farmer Maxie must move Logan, Zack and White from one bank of the river to the other by boat. Why, you ask… To you I say, curious young one, the world is not full of simple answers -- and why should I be any different from the world in providing you with one? Is this an obscure way of saying "not gonna tell you"? Yes.

Getting back to the matter hand (before you caused me to deviate from my path with your distracting questions), let us analyze the situation. Farmer Maxie's boat can hold only her and one other passenger at any given moment. Because only Farmer Maxie knows how to navigate this boat (she took a special course one summer), she must be the one to take the boat from one side to the other each time.

However, she cannot leave Logan with Zack, for the brainwashed transgenic will surely kill the other man if given the opportunity to do so. Nor can she leave Zack alone in the presence of White, for the Familiar, in his intense hatred of transgenics, will undoubtedly attempt to kill him. But, since White has no idea who Logan is, these two men can be alone together without fear of repercussions. Farmer Maxie has complete immunity from all any and all dangers posed by all three men, thusly making it safe for her to travel across the river with any of them.

So, what does Farmer Maxie do? (This isn't rhetorical -- you can answer it. In fact, I readily encourage you to take a moment to do so.)


Here's one possibility:

Farmer Maxie (who we will herein refer to as F.M. because I'm getting tired of repeatedly typing it out in full) takes Zack across the river and drops him off at the far bank. Then she paddles her boat back to the previous side.

Then F.M. takes White across the river, dropping him off at the far bank, but picking up Zack instead. She returns to the other side with Zack, and returns him to the first bank in exchange for Logan.

Taking Logan to the far side, she drops him off at the far bank and returns, alone, to the first side.

Here, she retrieves Zack once more and crosses the river a final time, and they join the awaiting pair at their destination.


Works out pretty good, right?

Wrong.

Have you completely forgotten who we're dealing with here?

In actuality, F.M. gets into a verbal spat with White (where many clichéd lines are exchanged between our Heroine and our Evil Villain) before the boat ever leaves the bank on its maiden voyage. Verbal progresses into physical, and while distracted with the Familiar, F.M. fails to recall that Zack -- who is still programmed to kill Logan -- has been left unattended with The Love of Her Life. She turns just in time to see Zack with his hands around Logan's throat, and the latter turning a shade of blue reminiscent of a clear November sky at just that precise moment of dawn. Implementing a devious tactic (yelling out, "oh look, it's Ray!"), F.M. manages to turn White's attention away from her long enough, giving herself the chance to pull Zack off of Logan.

After a brief scrap -- during which Logan lies wheezing on the ground in recovery -- she heaves Zack into the river with one forceful push. Fully intending to throw in a blow dryer after him, she is disappointed to discover there are none lying within the vicinity. Zack is henceforth carried downstream, where he is eventually rescued by a kind young Farm Girl. Having developed yet another case of amnesia (he's really racking them up, Zacky-boy, ain't he?), he adapts to a new life as Farm Boy, working side-by-side with aforementioned Farm Girl.

Meanwhile, F.M. turns back to White, who has by now realized that his son is nowhere in sight (superior mental processes at work there). They fight… again. Finally, F.M. uses her boat to knock the Familiar upside the head. While he's lying on the ground in a heap of dazedness, she manages to hog-tie him using the laces of his fancy expensive shoes (all-the-while everyone refuses to notice that when this little scenario began, he was wearing loafers).

Then, taking Logan, she climbs into her boat, and the pair sails off for the other side of the river. Where they can do much dwelling in denial and continue to fail to consummate their relationship… even though the virus has been miraculously cured and there's no Alec around to prevent them from gettin' their jiggy on.




Be a dear & review.