Crack Fic - Round 3...Nothing is safe!
AN: LIke, youz all totes liked my 1first two chapters which is amazing! All ya'll ya'lls are amazing! SO here's ChaPter 3! :X
The pair of dynamic duo Judy and Nick were racing down the street chasing after evil doers and were gasping for breathe.
"Why'd did they have to be cheetahs!" wheezed Nicke wheezily.
"You need to stop eating at Five Guys Buggaburgers and Fries Nick!" shouted Judy shoutily as she zipped across the street in a second, as fast as when she was ticketing cars, which is super fast! She pounced on the cheetah's knocking them into a car which KO'ED the two foul feisty felines.
"they have an accomplice!" Nick shouted, pointing towards a fox running away from them.
"You'll never get me you traitor to my species!" the fox yelled back at Nick, causing the fox with no emotions to weep until a flood of tears trickled down his face and cheeks and neck.
"Get a grip, Nick," Judy said, holding an umbrella to keep the tears at bay while she threw a red dress at the fox. "Now, dress like a woman and catch him!"
"What? Why? Why would I dress like a woman?" he asked, holding up the bright red slinky dress. "I'm not some princess you know!"
-five minutes late-
"Hey sexy" Nick whistled seductively at the other fox, which for some reason had hung around that area.
"Oh wow gorgeous!" the other fox who won't be given a name because I can't think of a good one at the moment(plz forgive me for it) said as his tongue lolled out. "Kiss me now hot thang!"
"eh, gross, I only kiss rabbits." nick wild replied with a huff, crossing his paws across his chest.
"really?" Judy asked, as she appeared from nowhere and jump kicked the fox, placing a collar around his neck. "Good, we caught the bad guy!" she shouted, making strange rabbit noises as she did so in a rabbit victory dance.
"Ouch," the bad fox groaned, as the collar on his neck shocked him. "This hurts."
Get used to it," Judy said as she walked over to Nick, swaying her hips seductively. "Now how's my big boy doing?"
"Boy?" Nick huffed. "I'm a girl!" he/she said.
"Well I'm a guy," Judy replied in a man's voice. "It's why I'm called Jude the Dude.
"We got to get you out of that dress," Jud(e) said as she/he pulled out a chew stick to gnaw on as his/her teeth had grown three sizes that day. "Now lets go make out as you look hot."
"OK!" Nick(y) shouted.
They made out for several hours in their patrol car, but that was okay since Chief liked them and they were his best officers, not like the other officers who actually did real police work. They sucked compared to Nick and Judy, who were also secretely thinking of runnig for mayor, but weren't sure yet. So they just made out on most of there shifts.
Suddenly, Nick woke from his dream. "Wow, that was a crazy dream!" Nick shouted into the darkness.
"Not so loud," Judy said next to him. "DOn't you know I'm pregnant!"
"You are!" Nick yelled happily. "I'm a daddy!
"No you wont' cause I hate kids and am ending the pregnancy."
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO..." Nick yelled out in a Darth Baader (see an animal pun!) voice.
"SHut your mouth Wild!" Bogo yelled at them from the other side of the wall. "Clawhauser and I are trying to sleep!"
"Yeah, shut it!" their other male neighbors yelled, we're trying to sleep!"
"You wound me Carrots," Nick cried, "How can I love you anymore."
"I don't know," Judy wept. "Or our freak children. Especially that one that has the one rabbit sized foot, while the other is a fox sized foot, then has the one rabbit ear and the other fox ear, plus how half his snout is long and the other half is short like a bunnies and his tail is also two different tails, one long and one short".
"We love our freak though," Nick cooed.
"Do I know that? Yes, yes I do."
Amethyst eyes met emerald ones as they stared longingly at each other. Then they made out again which made more hybrid babies that were half fox and half rabbit and had horrible times in kindergarten and were laughed and teased constantly. But that is okay since they would eventually become amazingingly weathy and be the mayor and police chief so it all worked out int he end.
The next day, Judee and Nuck were walking to work when a ram jumped out at them.
"Another ram?" they asked each other.
Nick saw two pellets connect with Judy's face, turning it blue. "Oh no, night Howlers!" Nick yelped as the ram ran off, but was quickly punched by Clawhauser who was now thin as the other officers pranked him and taped his mouth shut for 15 days.
Now savage Judy started growling at people, snarling at Nick even.
"Oh no, she doesn't recognize me!" Nick shouted as she lunged at him, amethyst eyes turned into slits. She wound up her bunnie legs and kicked Nick hard.
Nick was launched into the sky by the force of Savage Judy's kick. He burst into the stratosphere, his fur catching fire as he shot down from the sky like a comet, or a meteor as a comet is a reindeer and Nick is a fox so he doesn't have horns, or are they antlers, but anyways, to make a long run on sentence run even longer while repeating words repeatedly, Nick flew down through the sky and crashed into the ground, causing a massive crater to appear.
But don't worry though, nobody dies in this story. They just get really bad boo-boos.
Anyways, Meteor Nick groaned as Savage Judy viciously assaulted his clothes in a frantic attempt to rid HER fox of his clothing to do something dirty minded with him, as bunnies are great at multiplying as we all know. Frantically, Nick frantically crawled away from Savage Judy, until his back was against a wall.
Or that was what he thought it was...
It was actually a massive elephant with even more massive ears that massively covered everything near him.
"Hi, my name's Dumbo," the large eared elephant said.
"You have big ears," Neck commented, completely forgetting about Savage Jody.
BUT NOT FOR LONG MWUAHAHAHAHA! As Savage Judy proceeded to tear into Dumbo for talking to HER mate. The elephant trumpeted in terror before fleeing from the rabbid rabbit.
"DAWWWWRRR!" Juudy screamed, as she pulled a plunger out from somewhere, probably the same place she keeps her carrot pen.
As Judy leapt forward at Nack, apparently to do some very naughty things to him, a brown bunny with a very large chest leapt in front of the fox.
"No Judy! You can't do this to Nick!"
Judy stopped, suddenly coming back to her sense. Then, her advanced sense kicked back in as she leapt at the rabbit in front of her.
"I can't have Nick so I'll have you instead!" she roared as she began to suck face on the surprised brown doe. The two rabbits began making out in front of Nick, his jaw dropping to the ground in surprise.
"But I love Judy and she loves me, we just can't admit it to each other yet," Nick whined, so loudly whining that it broke the glass of nearby buildings that hadn't been destroyed by his meteoric descent back into the city from Savage Judy's kick.
Both rabbits looked at him, shrugged, then went back to kissing, making Nick more despondent with each passing hour as the hours turned into days that the two rabbits were making out.
He actually thought it was sort of hot, but was trying to imagine himself as the brown bunny so that he could be kissing Judy.
So he cried instead.
It was at this point in the story, that somebody made a review saying that stuff needed to happen. So the author decided to make stuff happen for no raisen.
A whole herd of horses galloped into the crater, intent on looting everything that had survived Nick's face hitting the ground at a 1000 miles per hour, also known as 1609.34 kilometers per hour for those who don't live in 'Merica.
"Ney!" the horses shouting, all of a sudden sprouting guns from jackets they had just put on. The gunfire drew Nick and Judy's attention, and they pulled out their own guns and proceeded to blast the horses into oblivion with a rat-a-tat-tat. Then they ran out of bullets and they ran away as Bogo came in and saved the day with his horns of doom that plowed through the ranks of horses like a plow would to what a plow would plow. (researched this so it totally is legit)
With the latest threat gone, the nighthowlers in Judy's system calmed and she saw Nick with new eyes. She saw how much she loved him so she threw himself at him, kissing him madly and with wilde abandon.
Which suited Nick fine as he had been waiting days for her to stop kissing the brown bunny who had disappeared all of a sudden. He thought he saw her hopping into the ZPD tactical van before it started rocking from side to side but shrugged it off, but he only shrugged it off because right next to it was Finnick's van that was rocking side to side as well.
"Carrots, I love you Carrots," Nick said. "Carrots, I know I like using your nickname, Judy, so I'll try to use other nicknames as well to state my love to you Whiskers."
Together, the two tiny mammals walked into the city, Judy glaring at all females who were within 100 feet of Nick, while growling at those within 25 feet of them. As they walked, they saw a group of sheep.
"Those must be the villains in this story," Nick whispered to Judy as they passed the friendly group that all waved and bleeted "Hello Officers" to the pair.
"We should arrest them for being sheep, as that isn't stereotyping at all," Judy replied. Before they could arrest them thought, several other mammals walked up to them, a skunk, another bunny and a deer.
"Hey look! It's Officers Hopps and Wilde," the skunk skunked. "My name is Flower, and my bunny friend is Thumper and my deer friend is Bambi."
"Wow, such original names," Judy and Nick said together.
"Yep!" Bambi grinned with a grin so wide it split his face in half. No really, it actually did so he started talking like that one doll on South Paw...anyways...
"Yep!" Bambi repeated because the author lost track of where he was in the story. "My mom is right over there." He pointed with a hoof towards the other side of the street where a female deer was smiling and waving at them.
"I have you now!" a voice yelled out! Suddenly, a weird furless creature wearing camoflauge jumped out of nowhere and shot the female deer (also called a doe but don't want to be shooting Judy now do we). So he shot the deer twenty times. "Haha!" I killed a deer!"
"Mother, no!" Bambi wept as Judy and Nick tackled the hunter.
"This story just went dark," Flower said. "I think I'll burn down a building now. Want to join me Thumper?"
The two ran off as Judy and Nick pummeled the hunter human until he was a human pancake, then threw him back through a portal to the human world.
"That was fun," Judy said, suddenly putting a mask over her eyes. "I like beating up mammals."
"I do too," Nick said, also putting on a mask. "We should do it more often XD."
"Slick, did you just use an emoticon while talking to me, Nick?"
"Why Carrots, of course I did. I'm that talented."
"Fine by me," the foxy fox replied. The two then proceeded to beat the ever living fur out of a bunch of criminals as vigilantes until a white rabbit with black stripes and an female arctic fox stepped in front of them.
"You two, we have an assignment for you 2."
Judy punched an antelope in the head one more time before replying, as he had beaten up a kitten and those things are adorable. "What type of assignment?"
"We need you to take down a drug ring that works with nighthowlers and catnip, as there are no other types of drugs available to mammals in this world.
Nick kicked a raccoon named Javier between the legs several times, after the raccoon had made crude comments about Judy, before looking over at the agents. "Yeah, what would we have to do?" he asked, kicking the mammal several more times, causing him to become an even higher pitched soprano with each kick. With one last kick, Nick joined Judy standing in front of the agents. "Eliot, take over the kicking will ya?"
"Will do!" a white wolf in a police uniform said happily, beginning to kick the raccoon even more. "One point...two points..three points...only 997 more points to go."
"Well, first off, we need you in these mech suits that a billionaire twenty something year old made and fight crime."
"SWEET!" both Judy and Nick yelled in all caps (as that is how you signal you shout in a story), as two mech suits suddenly dropped from the sky. One looked like a robot fox, complete with green paint over the torso area and the legs area was tan. So it looked like Nick you know? The other was shaped like a bunny, but was a very curvy bunny with a large chest and was all grey.
"Hey, where are my robots' clothes and I'm not that curvy!" Judy shouted.
"Oh, sorry, Jack made that one," the arctic fox said, giving the male bunny a glare that melted his face.
"Mmfhmfhmfm" faceless Jack replied.
"What did he say?" Judy asked.
"He said the fanboys made him do it.
Judy turned towards the computer screen from which you are reading this story and glared at you. "I hope you aren't one of them ya pervert!" she shouted at you before returning her attention to the two agents in front of her. Suddenly another robot fell from the sky that looked much more like Judy in her police uniform.
"That's better," Judy chirped merrily. "Now let's try these out Nick!"
"Alright, though this story is just getting stranger and stranger with every passing moment."
"I know, isn't it great?" Judy said, testing out her mech suit by having it smash its fist into a crook. Said crook exploded into a massive bloody...
..ring, ring..."Hello," says the author into his phone. "Oh, I have to keep this pg? Oh...okay." hangs up.
Anyways...said crook exploded into confetti. (happy now?)
"Yes, great job Judy as everything you do is either excellent or absolutely horrible," Jack replied. "Now if you'd like to fire carrots at your enemies, just press the button near you."
Judy responded by shooting millions of carrots around the city. "Eat your veggies cretins!"
"Wow," Nick said, having his mech suits arm scratching his mech suit's chin. "She doesn't seem in character at all anymore..."
"AHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH," Judy laughed in a grinchy manner as she made sure the city got their vitamin A.
"Yep, totally out of character," Nick sighed.
Suddenly, as that is all anything ever happens in a story like this, a massive murderbear approached the two tiny mammals in their mech suits.
"Aha! Itys a bun&fix!" the murderbear shouted murderously with murderly intent. "I've found you so my dastardly plans can commence! Mwuahahahahh!"
Suddenly, and in a very suddenly sudden manner, both Judy's and Nick's machines made anime poses.
"That's strange," they commented together.
"Sorry, they are programmed like that," Skye said.
"Mffmmmphmfh" replied faceless Jack.
"Okay," replied Hepps and Walde as they proceeded to proceed towards the murderbear, their amethyst and emerald eyes gleaming like savage looking (insert amazing simile or metaphor here).
The battle was climatic and battley! And stuff! They fought and battled for the entire day, then night, then day again just because they had to and...
You know, forget this. Apparently nobody cares about this story anymore since it doesn't get a bajillion reviews per chapter anymore. I had like, five my first chapter and now its at negative seven! I mean, what the fluff! It isn't that bad. This is my best writing! There isn't a grammer mistake in this thing yet everyone always says, "You wrote this wrong," or "you suck at making stories, you pathetic geek. Your premise is shakey, your outlook is bleak." You just don't know what a good story is people! I slaaaaaved over this and spend almost an hour on it! I don't need an editor! That's for horrible riters! That's it, I'm gone, you'll never find out the ending to this story unless I get 100000 reviews by next Saturday! By the way, Judeon rules so ha!
*Judy and Nick poke their heads out from the computer screen*
"Did he really just quit writing the story?" Judy asked.
"I think he did..." Nick said with a frown. "Which sucks...I liked that mech suit."
Turning to face the fox, Judy narrowed her eyes. "Seriously Nick? That is all you can think of at this moment? The mech suit? This author just destroyed us in writing and-"
Nick clasped Judy on the shoulder, smiling down at her. "Judy, let's just follow Buffalo Butt's advice and let it go, hmm?"
Judy sighed. "Fine. Now come on, let's go to the 10-7 and see if Atom and Trisha are there."
Nick's ears perked up as he followed the rabbit off screen. "Will I get to see the return of the Vodka Witch tonight?" he snickered.
Judy turned her head, giving him a wry smile while flicking her tail. "Depends on what you'd want to see after that."
AN: This is the final chapter. I won't be writing any more to this series as I don't want to have to pay all the medical bills for those who tore out their eyes while reading this. I think it has been a fun side project, but now, it is finished and I hope you have all enjoyed (painfully) this series. :)
Special thanks to everyone who gave me ideas for these parody chapters and which stories I should poke with a stick. Euphonemes for giving me the idea for the start of this final chapter as well. Again, I hope you enjoyed these blights on the Zootopia fandom and the tropes/memes they contain.
~Cimar of Turalis/WildeHopps
PS. I don't ship Judeon like that statement said as that is probably the most trollish, meme/trope out of this entire story. WildeHopps forever here. :)