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Even though it was summer and school was no longer in session, Harry still received a letter from Yaxley. He was glad Yaxley still wrote to him during the summer holidays.
You don't have to capitalize the "my." You can just write "my Yaxleyness." I just capitalize the "your" because it's fun.
You know that Weasley, correct? Well, can you tell him to write to Macnair again? He thinks your friend is mad at him and now he's crying.
I went in to ask Bellatrix what death tastes like, but she was doing her "turtle meditation" and I had to bring in Hermione. She said to tell you hello, by the way, and that Bellatrix wanted to tell you something. I enclosed her sticky note.
Yesterday I fell down the steps and it made me think of you.
I wish I could write a longer letter to you, but Amycus won't stop clapping and it's annoying. I threatened to cut off his hands, but I don't think he can hear me over the sound of his clapping.
Sincerely, Your Yaxleyness
P.S.: I'd like to come see you in person. If you're interested, come to Diagon Alley at noon on the third of August.
Harry was very interested in seeing Yaxley in person. He had planned to write back later, but he wanted to give Yaxley as much time as possible to make plans.
So he wrote:
You said not to capitalize it, but it was the beginning of the sentence. I hope that's okay.
Ron is in hiding because he has gnomes taking over his house. He said he'd write to me when he found another address, so I'll pass it on if Macnair wants it.
Tell Hermione hello and that she should annoy you until you give me my monkey. If you weren't going to give me a monkey, you shouldn't have offered me one.
I'm glad you thought about me, even if you don't know what I look like.
You should tell Amycus that if he likes clapping so much, he should install the Clapper. Then he can clap as much as he wants.
Also, I would like to see you in person as well. Since I'll be of age soon, I might be able to Stun Aunt Petunia and bring the baby. She has blue hair right now, but it probably won't last.
Harry James "Elbows" Potter
P.S.: When we meet, I like yams.
P.P.S: I got a love letter from Alecto the other day that I think was supposed to be for Travers. I enclosed it in case you want to give it back to her.
P.P.P.S: I'm bored and hungry, but we're out of food.
After sending Hedwig away with the letter from Yaxley, Harry opened Bellatrix's sticky note. It said "Hermione says you want to know what death tastes like. It tastes like Swiss cheese."
Maybe it was a good thing Hermione had joined the dark side. She was surrounded by people who could answer such questions as what death tasted like. It was, after all, far easier than skulking about the Restricted Section in the dead of night in search of an explanation.
Meanwhile, Hermione had been proofreading Yaxley's letter and had happened to see that he planned to meet Harry on Diagon Alley. She couldn't get any of the other Death Eaters to keep an eye on Bellatrix while she did it, so she had to talk her into going to see him.
"I don't want to go visit a half-blood!" she complained.
"You don't have a problem with me, and I'm a Mudblood." Hermione reminded her best friend.
Bellatrix frowned. She didn't like being reminded that her best friend was a Mudblood AHEM Muggle-born. "Well, you don't complain about my turtle meditation. And you have a sheep."
"Harry is very understanding about turtle meditation," said Hermione. "And while he doesn't have a sheep, he does have access to a baby Metamorphmagus."
"Can I kill it?" asked Bellatrix. She hadn't killed anything in nearly twelve hours.
"Then I don't want to go."
Hermione had been expecting this. "Do you want me to teach you about anatomy again?"
Bellatrix remembered the last time Hermione had taught her about anatomy. "I don't want that at all."
"You can either come with me to see Harry or get another anatomy lesson."
Bellatrix sighed. "Fine. I'll go see your half-blood friend."
"Lovely!" Without warning, Hermione jumped up and hugged her best friend. "Since I'm here, do you want to help me annoy Yaxley?"
"Harry told me to annoy him until he sends him a monkey."
"We got him a monkey."
"And Dolohov used it as a bath pouf."
Bellatrix made a mental note to turn Dolohov into a bath pouf.
The two of them searched everywhere for Yaxley. Hermione checked his bedroom, but only found a nest of crumbs on the floor. Bellatrix looked in the bathroom, but only walked in on a very displeased Travers. They both searched under every couch they could find, but never found anything more distinctive than a smelly sock.
Finally, when Hermione was beginning to lose hope, she found Yaxley outside skipping rocks across the pavement. He seemed very engrossed in this, but turned around when he noticed Bellatrix and Hermione were there.
"What are you doing here?" he asked. It would have been more polite to say, "To what do I owe the pleasure of your company, ladies?" but Yaxley wasn't feeling very polite.
"Do you have any cake?" asked Bellatrix.
"No, but you could always call one of the house-elves."
"I want some cake."
"Well, I don't have any cake."
"Then get me some cake, because I want some."
Yaxley summoned a house-elf. "Floppy, get her some cake."
"I don't want that thing to get me cake. I want cake from you!"
"I'm flattered, but I have no cake."
"Did you hear that?" said Hermione. "She asked for cake. Now make it snappy."
"Will you quit annoying me, Bellatrix?"
"Not until you give Hermione's half-blood friend a monkey."
Yaxley had seen Harry's letter, but hadn't thought Harry would actually get Hermione to annoy him, or even have her best friend do it. "So that's what this is about?"
"You know, you did promise him that monkey more than a year ago," said Hermione. "It's rude to offer someone a monkey if you aren't going to give it to them."
"If I could have gotten a monkey for him, I would have!" said Yaxley, going a bit red in the face.
"You aren't going to be like that with my cake, are you?" asked Bellatrix. She hadn't actually wanted cake to begin with, but now that the idea was in her head, she strongly hoped Floppy the house-elf was actually making one.
Before Yaxley could reassure her, Floppy came back, this time holding a cake, which he set down on a small table none of them had seen before. "Will you be enjoying your cake, Miss Bellatrix and Miss Hermione?"
Even though she was now a Death Eater, Hermione still had a soft spot for house-elves. "I'm sure it will be lovely, Floppy."
He bowed to her and left.
Bellatrix and Hermione sat down at the small table and cut themselves slices of cake. Yaxley started to follow them, but was stopped by Hermione. "You have to get the monkey first. It's the polite thing to do."
"Can't I just have a little piece?"
"If you get the monkey, you can."
Turning his back on Hermione and Bellatrix, Yaxley vaguely wondered why he had ever agreed to get Harry a monkey in the first place.
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