Love This Pain
**Lucy and Kevin, A to Z, picking up the morning after Lucy miscarried their baby on Port Charles (in July 1997). This first scene is sort of like what played out on the show but with my own twist. I hope you like this though it will be angsty at first.**
A - Ache
His back ached from sitting upright in that stiff chair all night. His head ached from too many thoughts and zero sleep. His eyes burned, though he told himself it was because he couldn't bear to look away from Lucy for a second, not because of the tears he was struggling to hold back. He ached… everywhere. In his chest, most of all. He knew his heart was just an organ pumping life-giving blood throughout his body, but it still hurt. God, did it ever hurt. He knew though that he had to be strong. Right now, he had to be strong for Lucy. If he fell apart, she would too, and he'd never forgive himself if she broke into a million pieces. Hell, he was already blaming himself for not being there when the contractions first started; for not being around to recognize the symptoms she was having and to get her to the hospital while something could possibly still have been done to save their baby… Their sweet little baby…How he had wanted that baby. How he had wanted that baby with Lucy…
He sighed as he watched Lucy slowly begin to rouse in her hospital bed. She rolled over slowly and peered up at him. "Hey, Doc," she greeted him in the softest tone of voice he had ever heard her use before. He practically had to strain his ears to hear her.
"Hey, Lucy," he returned, standing despite the crick running the length of his back, and moving over to her. He slowly eased onto the hard mattress beside her, reaching for her hand. "I'm glad you got some sleep finally."
"I wasn't sleeping just now," Lucy said. "I was trying so desperately not to wake up because I was having this wonderful dream and I wanted to hold on to it so tightly. I mean -" She broke off. "Nevermind."
"No, not never mind. Tell me what's on your mind. You know us shrinks live to analyze dreams."
Her eyes filled with tears and one slipped down her cheek. "No, it's okay. It's nothing," she said, turning slightly away from him so that he couldn't see more tears roll down her face. Her shoulders heaved.
"Lucy, come on. Talk to me here."
Lucy nodded ever so slowly. "Alright… I just dreamt it was morning and we were about to leave the hospital together … Which is true … But in the dream, I was holding this tiny little baby boy all wrapped up in a soft, white blanket. He was looking up at me with eyes … full of trust, Kevin. Full of trust ... but I failed him in every way, didn't I? I want my baby. I want my baby!"
He lifted her hand to his lips and kissed the back of it. "This isn't your fault, sweetheart. It never will be your fault." He wanted to say the right thing to make it all better, to make it all hurt less, but in that moment, he was at a complete loss.
He suddenly remembered the ring in his pocket; how she had asked him to hold it for her the night before so she would have something to look forward to when she came back from that cold, sterile room where she had that awful procedure. A lump welled up in his throat thinking of the pain she had endured, but he forced it down as he pulled the diamond from his pocket.
"Hey, I've got something for you," he said. He held out the ring in his palm and she looked at it for a long moment. He leaned forward. "Lucy Coe, will you marry me?" He said quietly.
The tiniest of smiles twitched her lips but failed to reach those gorgeous eyes of hers. "You already asked me to marry you awhile ago," she pointed out. A tear rolled down her cheek. "But, yes, I'll say it again. Yes, I'll marry you." She wiggled her fingers and he offered her what he hoped was an encouraging smile as he slid the band onto her hand. He kissed each of her fingertips, one by one.
"I love you, Lucy. Remember what I said last night, okay? If you're scared, or confused or angry or … anything, remember that. Please know that I'm here for you."
"I know, Doc, I know. And I love you so much too." She leaned back against her pillows, hands now pressed over her flat belly where the baby was supposed to still be growing. "I wanted that baby so much. I will always want that baby. You know this isn't my first time at the rodeo, Kevin. I told you I had lost two babies before. Somehow, I thought it would be old hat; or you know, at least prepare me for this moment. I thought it would hurt a little less because I'd been through it before, but it doesn't hurt less. Oh Doc, it hurts so much worse. Because I wanted to give you this baby more than I wanted my next breath and now I can't… Now I can't! And I look into your eyes and they're so sad. I can see you're trying not to show you're in pain, but you're broken up about this too, and I feel … like I failed you. Oh, Kevin, I failed you!" Sobs burbled up on her lips and escaped in breathless gasps as he pulled her against his body, as tightly as he dared.
He ran his fingers gently through her hair. "You didn't fail me, Lucy. You never could. Ever, I mean that." He rocked her softly against his body as she cried and he willed back tears of his own.
TO BE CONTINUED.