Disclaimer: I don't own Trigun, Beverly Hills Cop or the Banana idea or the book "A Walk To Remember". I also don't own Dance Dance Revolution or the song "Oh Nick Please Not So Quick" and I don't own 'Mr. Roger's Neighborhood'.
Please R&R as we all like to feel special.
Hunting For The Elusive Mayfly Known As Love...Not...
Defining The True Meaning Of Strip Poker
Today, was not a good day. Today, to say the least, was the first day of the rest of everyone's lives. No, wait. Scratch that. When Vash is involved, bad things tend to happen. Like, for example, spraying shaving cream all over Mr. Hojo's room. Oh no, wait, MUCH worse. Replacing the staff room's coffee with gasoline that had food coloring in it. Yup, that was the best way to get out of school. By poisoning all the teachers, nothing could go wrong.
Meryl Stryfe even began to wonder if Vash Saverem carried a hit list with him wherever he went. Yes, she imagined, he'd be walking in the halls debating to himself. 'Gee, I wonder who I can pick on today! Oh, look! Looks like the vice-principal is on the top of my list! Guess I'll pull that stupid toupee off his head and sneak it into his ham sandwich! Yeah, that's good. So then when he takes a bite of his sandwich, the first thing he gets is a mouthful of hair! Vash, you ARE a genius!'
But seriously, back to the present. Today was the first day of their senior year at Donut High. It had USED to be called 'The-School-That- Doesn't-Believe-In-Fun High' until Vash got a campaign together to change the school's name. Vash had even gone so far as stalking the Mayor to her house and spray-painting, 'I'm going to haunt you and your children and your children's children and your children's children's children.' on her front porch. Finally, (even though the Mayor HAD gotten a restraining order against Vash, but it failed to work) the Mayor had assented to the name 'Donut High'. Too bad donuts were Vash's favorite food.
Meryl rolled over on her stomach in her bed and began to whine. Why couldn't summer have been just a little longer? Why? No, better yet, the Saverems had just moved to Gunsmoke City not too long ago, so maybe they'd move!
"Yeah Meryl…" She said, most of her words getting absorbed into the blankets. "…and Nick is going to become a priest someday."
Yet it was true. Nicholas D. Wolfwood HAD been trying to become a priest since he was nine years old. Too bad that the churches had all rejected him here. It was only because Nick had recited a sermon at his last Sunday School Class and it turned from one about blasphemous acts to strip poker and cigarettes.
Nick was Meryl's best male friend, and she could tell him anything. But after attending his sermon and watching the expressions of the ministers' faces, she had thought twice about confining in Nick ever again. Picking up a low-cut shirt and black pants, Meryl quickly changed and wandered downstairs. Yes, today was going to be a terrible day.
After breakfast, Meryl grabbed her backpack and headed down the sidewalk, five blocks to the school. At age 17, one was thought to already be driving. But not Meryl. Well, it wasn't HER fault that she didn't pass the driver's examine. It was, lucky for her, that broom-head's fault. You see, he had stuck a banana in the tailpipe as a prank to screw her up. But he did more than that. He had cost her another year of waiting for a RE-try on the test. He had gotten that idea after watching Beverly Hills Cop. Yes, Vash loved to pick on EVERYONE. Especially Meryl.
Oh, and then there was Vash's twin brother, Millions Knives. Meryl just couldn't POSSIBLY see how Rem, the twins' adoptive mother, could survive the torture of the two. If it wasn't Vash, it was Knives. Meryl sulked lower to the ground. If it hadn't been for the support of Milly Thompson and Nick, Meryl wasn't sure if she could stay sane.
Meryl walked in through the doors of Donut High and looked around for any of her friends. She was quickly greeted with a face full of silly string and a paper to her face.
"What classes do ya have for your senior year?" Oh no. Not him again!
"Didn't you die over the summer?" Meryl growled and tore the paper from her face.
"Nope, much to your dismay." Vash flashed one of his annoying smiles and pointed to the paper. "So what classes do you have?"
"In order of period: Algebra 3-4, Chemistry, Drama, English, Cooking, and General PE" Meryl grinned. She hadn't wanted ANY of those classes, but last year Vash and her had gotten ALL the SAME classes together and Meryl didn't want to go through another year of that. SO she chose all the classes that she knew that he wouldn't choose.
Vash's face brightened as he grabbed Meryl and swung her around in a circle. "Guess what! We have ALL the same classes together...AGAIN!"
Meryl felt like she was going to be sick. A...AGAIN!? "...I'm getting a schedule change." She announced. Vash's face pouted. "Aw, Meryl, you're no fun! It'll be a great year!"
It was indeed a terrible day. Yes, it was.
Meryl met Milly and Nick at the other end of the school and compared classes with them. Milly only had Drama and English with Meryl and Nick also had Algebra, Drama, Cooking, and PE with Meryl. Knives, on the other hand, had Algebra, Drama, Cooking, AND Chemistry with Meryl. How elating.
"Someone...shoot me." Meryl wailed.
The bell rang. That meant that Meryl had to start off the class with Vash, Nick, and Knives in Algebra. Meryl walked into the classroom and the blood drained from her face. The room was coated with toilet paper and on the white board, the initials VS were written in blue ink.
"Nevermind. I'll shoot myself." Meryl turned at the gasping noise made by her Algebra teacher, Mr. Balding---who WAS balding by the way.
"W...What!? NO! I JUST REPAINTED THIS ROOM! LOOK AT THIS!" Mr. Balding fingered the toilet paper in his hand and then looked at the board. "'Beat me, just do it'? VASH SAVEREM! YOU'RE A DEAD KID!" But as the teacher turned, a water bucket from above was dumped and drenched Mr. Balding.
"Uh..." Meryl watched as her teacher pulled a shotgun from out of his desk and turned to look at her.
"I'm going to kill myself. But first, I'm going to kill Vash." The teacher then proceeded to put on war paint, an army helmet, and thundered out of the room.
"Guess that means there's no class." Meryl assumed.
Nick came into the classroom, singing the most annoying song that Meryl had ever heard.
"Oh Nick please not so quick, you know it makes me sick..." The one song Meryl dreaded from Dance Dance Revolution. Meryl chucked her backpack at Nick and watched as he fell to the ground. "Ow..."
"Shut up Nick. You're annoying." Meryl grumbled and tossed some of the toilet paper lingering around into the trashcan.
"Hey where's the teacher?"
"Ah, Vash, huh? You know the nickname they've given him around here, right? Cause he's such a trouble maker?"
"Vash the Stampede."
"Vash the Stamped-ED sounds better." Meryl grinned slightly and then turned to hear screaming from out the doorway.
"AHHH! NO! DON'T KILL ME! IT'S NOT MY FAULT I DID IT! IT'S THE DISEASE I HAVE!" Vash shouted through the halls, screaming, throwing random assorted things at Mr. Balding, and running like crazy. Mr. Balding cocked his shotgun and aimed it at Vash, who turned and chucked an apple at Mr. Balding, who then slipped on the apple and wound up shooting himself in the stomach. The room became quiet as they watched the teacher stumble backwards into a locker, blood seeping through his shirt.
"Oh my gosh, he killed himself," Nick's eyes widened and the two ran out into the hallway. Vash watched as the teacher reached out to Vash, but slumped down the side of the wall and died. Another moment of silence and then the rest of the students went back to their talking.
"They didn't even give him a eulogy!" Nick cried as he bowed his head and motioned Meryl and Vash to do the same. "Mr. Balding was a...teacher. There." Nick raised his head. "Such a wonderful eulogy. Meryl and Vash blinked and looked at Nick, who seemed pleased with himself.
"I can't believe it..." Vash shook his head. "I was ACTUALLY responsible for a death!" Nick patted Vash on the shoulder and smiled.
"Don't worry about it, Vash. Mr. Balding...had problems. He...yelled at students. There. Besides, people die ALL the time."
Vash blinked and looked at Nick, confused.
"Nick, HE'S DEAD! How am I gonna explain this to Rem!?"
"Um, you don't?"
"What's the racket!?" Milly ran up to us and spotted Mr. Balding, dead on the floor. "Oh my goodness! Mr. Balding!" Nick grabbed her arm and stared into her eyes.
"Milly, this...did not happen."
School ended, and Meryl was back in her bedroom, fiddling with her curtain string and reading 'A Walk To Remember'. Much to her misfortune, her phone rang.
"What?" She picked up the phone, irritated.
"Meryl, come over to my house!" It was Nick. "I'm teaching Vash and Milly how to play poker."
"And how does that pertain to me?"
"Uh, we're all playing."
"Nick, it's nine o' clock at night. In case you forgot, IT'S A SCHOOL NIGHT!"
Silence on the other end.
"And...your point is?"
"Fine, we'll come over to YOUR house!" Nick said cheerfully.
Suddenly, there was a knock on her bedroom door and Meryl went to open it. There stood Nick with Vash and Milly behind him. Nick still had his phone in one hand.
"Wow, that was quick." Meryl said into the phone.
"Uh, I have to go now, I have company."
Nick and Meryl both put their phones down and Nick looked at Meryl.
"You were standing outside of my door the whole time?" Meryl asked, dumbfounded. "How did you get your phone over here? I thought you didn't have cordless phones."
"Uh, why contemplate on such stupid things that even 'I' don't know the answer to? Let's play!"
Nick, Vash, and Milly walked into Meryl's room.
"I'm not so good with card games, Nick," Milly told him.
"So? You'll learn."
Nick dealt out the cards and grinned.
"What's so funny, Wolfwood?" Vash hesitated to ask.
"The name of the game is STRIP POKER!" Nick grinned and the three face-faulted. "First one to lose all their clothing has to forfeit the game."
The game went on for about twenty minutes, and Vash was already down to his boxers.
"I don't like this game anymore, Nick!" Vash whined. "I'm cold, can't I at LEAST put on a jacket?"
"Shut up needle-noggin!" Nick snapped." That's the point of the game! Me? I'M WINNING!"
"I'll bet he has loaded cards." Meryl sighed as she removed her socks. She, for one, was doing pretty good. She had only had to take off her shoes and socks. Milly had done the same thing. Vash? Vash just sucked at Strip Poker. Besides, they were going by who had the most points (a bad thing) at the end of each round and that person had to take off a piece of clothing. Three minutes later, Vash had to forfeit because he finally ran out of clothing, much to the girls' dismay.
"Royal flush!" Nick sang as he pointed to Vash and Vash growled.
"I hate losing," Vash narrowed his eyes. "Let's play a new game."
"Let's not and say we did..." Nick grinned with a twinkle of evil humor hidden in his eye.
Two hours later, Vash had to forfeit twenty-nine times and finally, they all just gave up.
"That's a stupid game!" Vash pouted.
"Only to you..." Nick smiled and counted his earnings. "Being a priest in training really pays off!"
"Okay," Meryl sighed. "Everyone has to go home now. It's late."
"Awww, Meryl!" Nick whined. "Can't we stay just a LITTLE longer? I'm winning!"
"No." Meryl pointed to the door. "Out."
Everyone left, sadly, and Meryl fell on top of her bed, falling asleep instantly.
The next day at school, Algebra had been cancelled due to no teacher, so Meryl headed to Drama, where, unfortunately, Milly, Vash, Nick, and Knives were waiting.
"Okay class," Mr. Gaylord said in a feminine voice. Everyone had their assumptions about his preference, especially since the 'Mr. Roger's Neighborhood' theme song was playing in the background. "Today we're going to take part in an EXCITING play!"
"Does it involve nukes and machine guns?" Knives called out, raising his hand.
"Uh, no. Those are very dangerous, Knives, if we play with those, someone could shoot their eye out." Stupid martinet.
"Darn." Knives leaned back into his seat.
"But today!" Mr. Gaylord gave a cheesy smile. "We're going to get into groups of five and take part in a play about...sharing! Isn't that wonderful!?" Silence.
Sadly, Meryl was stuck with the four she was sitting next to and they had gotten a part about passing the salt at the table. With only ten minutes to learn their parts, Meryl and the others proceeded to learn their lines---with the exception of Vash.
"Okay, group one will be up first!" Mr. Gaylord clapped his hands together like a loser. That, unfortunately, was Meryl's group.
They took their positions on the stage, sitting at the cardboard table, and prepared to recite their lines.
"Gee," Meryl said in an unenthusiastic voice. "This cereal would taste so much better with...salt."
"Salt!?" Vash shouted. "That's disgusting! That's filthy! That's..." Not what he was supposed to say.
"ANYWAY!" Nick cut Vash off. "Meryl, would you like some...salt...for your cereal?"
"Yes," Meryl glowered at Vash. "I would."
"Vash," Milly smiled. "Could you please pass the salt to Meryl?"
"Let her get it herself." Vash yawned and propped his elbows up on the table.
Knives laughed as Meryl kicked Vash from under the table.
"Oh Vash," Meryl said through angry gritted teeth. "You are such a tease. Now HAND me the da---...I mean...PLEASE pass the salt!"
Instead, Vash stood up and jumped onto the table. "Hey, anyone want to hear me sing?"
"Oh, donuts..." Nick put his head in his hands and looked down.
"Donuts!? Where!?" Vash's mouth began to water.
"Hey Meryl," Knives laughed. "I'll bet that cereal will taste better if you cook it."
"Cooked cereal?" Meryl's eye began to twitch involuntarily.
"Oh no! This is all wrong!" Mr. Gaylord jumped onto the stage, but tripped and landed in a bunch of hazardous chemical equipment. Unfortunately, he wound up electrocuting himself, frying his brain instantly.
"Eulogy time!" Nick shouted as he jumped out of his chair and ran over to Mr. Gaylord's charred body. Nick bowed his head. "Mr. Gaylord...was also a teacher. However, we all thought that he was a homosexual because of his feminine qualities. There."
Nick smiled and Meryl began to wail into the air. Why was everything so bad?
Meanwhile, after the paramedics had been alerted, Meryl, Vash, and Nick headed to PE because someone blew up a chicken potpie in cooking and so the class had been cancelled until further notice.
"Gee, sorry about that Meryl." Vash apologized for the hundredth time.
"Shut up. I want...to be alone." Meryl sighed.
"OKAY KIDS! LISTEN UP!" Mr. Smallcheeks told the students. However, he didn't have 'small cheeks'. He looked more like a wrestler. "TODAY! WE ARE GOING TO RUN FOR 30 MINUTES...STRAIGHT! AND THEN WE ARE GOING TO...RUN AGAIN FOR THE REST OF THE PERIOD! ANY QUESTIONS!?"
"Awww man!" Nick sighed. "Running?"
"How can anyone run for one whole period?" Meryl asked. Then she turned to look at Vash. "Vash, do me the honor of NOT killing our teacher AGAIN. Okay?"
Vash saluted her. "Aye, aye, Capps!"
So they ran...ALL period. Except Vash, who made up a lame story that he had a phobia of running and so was excused PERMANENTLY from running. Nick and Meryl jogged by each other the entire time.
"This sucks!" Meryl said.
"I know! Hasn't that guy ever heard of mercy on a preacher?"
"But, you aren't a preacher, Nick."
"Not YET!" Nick grinned. "Soon, I will have the churchmen falling at my feet, begging me back!"
"You really think that that's gonna happen?"
Silence and then Nick turned to look at Meryl.
"How much longer do we have to jog?"
"Nick, we just started two and a half minutes ago. We still have an hour and forty-three minutes left."
"Oh darn. Hey, what do you wanna do tonight?"
"Doesn't matter.........As long as it's not strip poker again."
"Oh, okay. You wanna go see a movie?"
"But we got kicked out the last time we tried to see one."
"Yeah, I know, but let's go anyway."
After school that night, the four went to see a movie. Knives decided NOT to tag along because he and his friends had a secret ritual that needing tending to. The gang went to see a movie titled 'Men And World Domination', by Nick and Vash's choice. They stepped inside of the theater, food in hand, and sat down in the middle row.
"Isn't this great?" Vash grinned as he popped some popcorn into his mouth. Meryl reached over to take some popcorn from Vash.
"Vash, give me some popcorn." She growled when he pulled it away from her and then motioned his head up to the row behind them.
"Let's play a game first Meryl." Vash had a HUGE smirk on his face as he kept the popcorn out of her reach.
"Forget it!" She snapped. "I'll buy some myself!" The four had decided on sharing popcorn between two people. Too bad Milly and Nick had gotten the first bag while Vash and Meryl had to share the second.
Meryl began to get up when Vash 'accidentally' fumbled with the popcorn and it all landed on the people sitting in front of them. They screamed and ran out of the theater.
"Whoops..." He blinked.
"Shhhhhh!" Came the voices of irritated people behind them.
"This is not happening..." Meryl told herself. "I'm at home, in my nice warm bed, sleeping. WITHOUT being next to Vash."
"Here, since those people so rudely took off with our popcorn hanging in their hair, do you want my soda instead?" Vash asked, handing it to her. However, he knocked his arm against the side of the chair and spilt it down the front of her shirt. "Um, good thing it's not a white shirt."
"Grrrr!" Meryl bit her lip to keep her from yelling at the idiot next to her.
Suddenly, the movie came to a part where a man died.
"NOO!!!" Vash wailed. "YOU SHOULD NEVER TAKE THE LIFE OF ANOTHER! IT'S NOT FAIR!"
"WHAT!? NO EULOGY!?" Nick shouted as he jumped out of his chair and stood on it. "That man was a bank robber, but he was...still...a man."
"SHUT UP!" Shouted someone who chucked a granola bar at Nick, making him tumble to the floor. Nick looked up at the screen and smiled at the next scene.
"Hey, strip poker!"
Meryl sighed and Milly crouched lower in her seat. Nick dragged Vash out of his chair and pointed to the screen.
"Nick, I wanna sit down..." Vash whined.
"Shut up, Needle-Noggin! See that guy...?" Nick's face darkened. "HEY BUDDY!" He shouted to the screen. "YOU'RE SHOWING EVERYONE YOUR CARDS! AND YOU!" He pointed to another guy on the screen. "YOU'RE NOT PLAYING FAIR! THAT GUY GOT A FULL HOUSE! YOU HAVE TO AT LEAST TAKE YOUR HAT OFF!"
"Excuse me, gentlemen," A theater worker poked Nick in the back and then looked at him and Vash. "Theater screens are inanimate objects and can not answer your stupid accusations. I'm afraid that you four have to vacate the premises."
"What?" Vash asked stupidly.
"LEAVE!" The worker yelled.
"SHHHH!" Came more voices and more food was thrown at the four and the worker.
"That was the best movie I ever saw..." Nick said as the four emerged from inside the theater. "When it comes out on video, I'm buying ten copies. Boy, we were only in there for ten minutes, but it's enough to know how great that movie was. I think that it should be up for a nomination for a golden globe award." Nick grinned, but then frowned. "But those idiots still don't know the REAL meaning of strip poker. I say we sneak into another movie."
"We're going to get caught," Meryl rolled her eyes.
"No, watch, I can do it..." Nick snickered and crept back into the theater, only to be greeted by the manager's foot in his face. Nick sulked back outside with a large red footprint on his face. "Okay, let's go home."
"I don't know why you liked that movie, Nick," Vash sniffed. "More than 40 people died within the first couple of minutes of the movie. Rem always says that killing is bad. I hope the critics nominate that movie as the 'Don't-go-see-unless-you-have-a-death-wish' movie."
"Hey, look on the bright side, Needle-Noggin!" Nick grinned. "You got to learn the true meaning of strip poker...FROM ME!" Nick laughed and then a car whizzed by and sprayed him with mud. Dripping with wet dirt, Nick growled and turned to look at his friends. "Where's my Cross Punisher?"
Yes, I realize that everyone is writing the Trigun cast in school nowadays. But mine is not only a drama, it is a comedy of drama. Think of the show SOAP for example (Which I don't own). I'm about to post a dark intriguing story involving Trigun, so make sure to check that out too. Oh, and as always, please R&R. I only ask that if you really hate the story, critique the story in a POLITE manner. Flames are pointless and I believe that most of us are old enough to express their feelings in a rational way besides using abusive language and threats. Besides, I'll just make fun of flames anyway. You've been warned.
Blood Lotus Demonwalker