It was a dark and stormy night. Well, it might have been a clear, starry night, but the atmosphere
and weather worked together and obligingly set the scene of this story for you, wonderful readers. Anyway, in the Kaiba house, all was silent and peaceful, excluding the explosions as intruders tried to break in and were fried by the security system, the barking of the eighty or so Dobermans, the beeping of Mokuba's ever-active video games…oh never mind. As nights go, it was pretty noisy.
But one room in the house was perfectly quiet and serene, and that was Seto's computer room,
which was, quite literally, made up of computers. A monitor took up an entire wall. There he sat,
typing away in the peace and quiet…
"Brother?" asked Mokuba, who had somehow managed to penetrate the security system and
break the peace.
"What?" Seto snapped, working on a five page letter to the head of a company. So far he had
managed a paragraph.
Mokuba sniffled and contrived to look as cute as possible. "I can't go to sleep."
Seto didn't look away from the computer. "Have some milk."
"I'm lactose intolerant, Seto!"
"Oh, right…well, drink some water then!"
"Why would having water make me get to sleep anyway?"
"…I don't know. Have you tried counting sheep?"
"Does anybody really do that?"
"Um, supposedly they do."
"Look, I didn't say it was a very intelligent thing to do. It just makes people get to sleep."
"Where am I going to get all those sheep, anyway?"
"There's a thing called imagination. Utilize it."
"And you're telling me that there are actually some people who go around counting imaginary
sheep in order to get to bed? I think they have more than insomnia problems…"
Seto sighed and gave up on the paper. "Well, what do you want me to do?"
"Would you read me a bedtime story?"
Seto had to wait a minute to let the concept settle into his head. "What?"
" Pleeeeaaase?," Mokuba asked, pulling all the syllables he could out of the word, "Please, big
brother?" The cute act was back on.
"I…uh…don't really do bedtime stories."
Mokuba pouted, and if you have never seen him pout, then you are missing an experience. It is supernaturally cute. "But I can't go to sleep! PLEASE, big brother?"
'Argh,' thought Seto, 'Must…resist…the cuteness…'
Mokuba turned the cuteness dial all the way up.
"Hurray!" yelled the miniature Kaiba brother, dancing around the room, "He's gonna read me a
"ONE story," said Seto sternly. Well, he attempted stern-ness, which, by the way, is incredibly
hard to do when you're being dragged down the hall by someone half your size in bunny pajamas. Although, to be fair, he did give some rather stern looks to the help passing by.
But who wants to be fair?
Anyway, Mokuba, who was deceptively strong for a little person, dragged Seto in his room,
closed the door, and jumped on his bed, then gave him a look of gleeful anticipation.
Seto looked around for any hidden cameras, sighed, and then walked over to the bookcase.
"Clifford the big red dog?" he asked, half to himself, raising an eyebrow. What kind of title for a
book was that?
"No, that's boring."
"The Cat In The Hat?"
"Play…hang on, what's a copy of Playboy doing in your bookcase?"
"It's lying down on top of the first, second, and eighth Boxcar Children books?"
Seto decided to not even think about it. He put it aside and continued to rummage through
the…literature. Finally deciding on a book of Grimm's Fairytales, he sat down on a side of
Mokuba's bed and opened the book to the first story he saw.
"Alright. This is the story of Hansel and Gretel."
"What? Hansel and Gretel? What kind of names are those?" cried Mokuba.
"They happen to be German," retorted Seto knowledgeably.
"They're weird." Mokuba complained.
"Fine! The story will be called…." Seto rummaged through his memory, then smirked, "Yugi and
Tea. This is the story of Yugi and Tea."
"Those names seem familiar somehow…"
"Be quiet, I'm going to start the story. Alright, once upon a time…"
There was a family of a man, a woman, and their two children. Yup, they had the typical
American family. They all lived in a log cabin in the middle of the woods, and had a happy and peaceful life, until the wife died. Then life sucked for a while, and the father, Pegasus, took up woodcuttery. The children, however, went on with their life.
"Nyah nyah! My Magician is better than your Shining Friendship." Yugi taunted Tea.
"You're so mean!"
Right, anyway, one day, the father decided that the life of a bachelor was way overrated, and went out to get himself a wife. Unfortunately, he had really, really bad taste in women. He found one with beautiful golden hair, and the most magnificent muscles ever seen. Unfortunately, his 'wife' was also a man in drag.
On day reserved for 'the meeting of the children', Pegasus and the wife-to be walked into the room where Yugi and Tea were 'playing nicely'. This meant fake swords and toy monsters, for those of you not used to childish play. Next to him, dressed in drag, was Bandit Keithetta, his lovely future wife. She let out a high pitched cackle and waved a fan in front of his face. Yugi and Tea cringed away in fear.
"Children!" boomed Pegasus. "This is your mother!"
Bandit Keithetta waved happily.
"You will, of course, get along swimmingly." Pegasus continued. He turned to Bandit Keithetta. "I am entrusting you to the care of my children. Please handle them with care, they are fragile." With that, he turned and wandered off to the woodshed to continue his work with many different woods.
But he stepmother treated the children very cruelly, even going so far as to order them to cut down trees with butter knifes, and to wash themselves with brillo pads. And though the children tried to tell their father about their new stepmother, he was blinded by his affection for her.
"Dad, your new wife sucks." Yugi said to him once.
"She makes us do impossible things!" Tea added.
"She wanted us to take over Microsoft the other day."
"Now, now Yugi-bo…um…children. I'm sure that Keithetta is not that mean." Pegasus told them.
"She's not even female!"
"YOU'RE LYING! LIES! …I mean…that was a very rude thing to say about your mother. Go to your rooms."
So, day after day, the situation grew worse. The stepmother tried to get rid of the children in any way she could, leading them through situations of fear, terror, and plain out wackiness. Finally, one night, she grew tired of it and decided to get rid of them once and for all.
"But before she could, The Blue Eyes White Dragon came swooping out of the sky and ate her!"yelled Mokuba.
"What? No, that's not how it happened!"
"Yes it is!"
A Blue Eyes White Dragon swooped out of the sky and ate Bandit Keithetta whole, leaving Pegasus, Yugi, and Tea behind. They blinked.
"Now that their stepmother was gone, they were free to use their new treasure map that they had received from Joey, The Genie!", yelled Joey, suddenly popping out from behind Mokuba's
dresser, followed by Yugi, Tea, and Ryou.
"What are they doing here?" yelled Seto, turning red.
"I invited them!" exclaimed Mokuba.
Joey The Genie popped up and handed Yugi and Tea a treasure map. They happily danced around,while behind them, Pegasus sobbed.
"My love! My darling Keithetta! I'LL NEVER LOVE AGAIN!"
"If we're finished adlibbing," snarled Seto, trying to think of a way to salvage the story.
"Geez, fine. Don't have a hernia."
Anyway, since their evil stepmother was gone, they decided the best thing to do was to follow the treasure map, as they had nothing better to do with their time. Of course, they left behind
Pegasus, who was still bemoaning his fate.
"My darling, darling Keithetta," sobbed Pegasus.
"Right," muttered Yugi. "I guess we'll just follow this map and see where it goes."
"YES!" exclaimed Tea, "And we shall use LOVE and FRIENDSHIP to overcome any obstacles which may cross our paths!" That said, she put a hand on her hip and pointed towards the north."Onwards, to our fate!"
Yugi looked at Tea, then at the map. "Tea…the treasure's the other way."
"Uh…right." She shifted directions. "ONWARDS, to our fate!"
A few hours later, in the middle of the forest, ridiculously lost…
"What was that about using love and friendship to overcome our obstacles?"
"Oh, shut up."
"Are you hungry?" Yugi asked.
Suddenly they spotted a house, which was made entirely of candy and junk food.
"That was entirely too convenient," muttered Yugi.
"Wait, it's made out of candy?" asked Tea, looking shocked.
"Yes," growled Seto, "It's made out of candy."
"Bu…but they'll get cavities! Candy isn't good for you!"
"It tastes good."
"Wait…how about the house be made of celery and peanut butter?"
The house turned into celery and peanut butter, and Yugi and Tea stared at it in a disturbed way.
"NO! It can be made out of fruitcake!"
The house was suddenly and inexplicably made out of bricks of fruitcake. A rock fell onto thehouse with a loud clunking sound.
"Hey, maybe the house can be made entirely out of macaroni and cheese!"
The house immediately was made out of macaroni and cheese, with a piece of parsley stuck in the chimney. It slowly collapsed on itself and oozed to the ground.
"This is way beyond weird." Yugi, who had been watching the incredible house metamorphosis, remarked
"Hey! I know! The house can be made of-"
"NO!" yelled Seto, shocking everyone into silence, "It is not made of fruitcake, or macaroni, or
celery, or Popsicles, or ANYTHING but candy and junk food! End of discussion!"
The room lapsed into silence as Seto gasped for breath.
"Geez," muttered Joey. "Don't have a cow."
"Shut up! Anyway, they got to the house, which was made of candy and junk food."
Yugi and Tea stood in front of the house and weighed the choices. The house was definitely odd, and it had a disturbing tendency to change building materials. On the other hand, that candy looked delicious, and they hadn't eaten all day. So…starvation, eating candy. Starvation…eating candy. Starvation…
They nearly collided into each other as they ran towards the house. Yugi grabbed a piece of thewindow, which was made of sugar candy, and Tea broke off a piece of the roof, which was made of chocolate.
But they hadn't taken more than two bites when…
"A fairy came in and turned the house into a carriage!" yelled Tea excitedly.
A fairy came in with a 'twinkle twinkle' noise, glided over Tea and Yugi's heads, fluttered her wings, and then tapped the house with hr magic wand. The house turned into an enormous carriage, and the fairy tittered and flew back out.
Yugi and Tea shook their heads and pinched themselves.
"No, you idiot, that's Cinderella! Everyone knows that next, a wolf comes over and blows the
A wolf lumbered over to the candy house, sized it up, took a deep breath, and then blew the house down. He nodded his head, pleased with himself, and dusts his hands off before walking out.
"No, you're all wrong! This is the part where a giant robot comes and saves the day!"
The earth rumbled around Tea and Yugi's feet, and they looked up in terror at the enormous robot, (Which, incidentally, looked like it just stepped off the set of Gundam Wing.) The robot lumbered over to the house and stomped on it, and then held up a sign that read: 'Cavities Are Badd.'
"Excuse me…you spelled 'bad' wrong…" Tea announced.
The mecha took out an enormous sharpie marker and crossed out the last 'd'.
Mokuba's room lapsed into silence once more. Then everyone burst into spontaneous argument.
"No, how about a giant hamster!"
"Yeah, a giant mutant hamster!"
"And the hamster has a giant robot minion!"
"Yeah, but they're attacked by fairies as they try to save Yugi and Tea!"
"But then, the evil bunnies come in and…"
"THAT'S IT! I'VE HAD IT!," roared Seto, getting to his feet, "YOU MAKE YOUR OWN
With that, the elder Kaiba brother stomped out of the room, slammed the door, and went off to
finish his paper.
Everyone waited until they could no longer hear his footsteps.
"Alright, it took him exactly ten minutes. What were the bets?"