Hello friendships! Endless thanks for everyone who reviewed/favorited/followed! It's so greatly appreciated, you have no idea!
Just to clarify again, this story is posted in both Shingeki no Kyojin and Attack on Titan categories because apparently they're separate.(..?) Sorry for any confusion.
I have to give a special shout out to reviewer 'animagirl' for their spot on prediction with Hange and Linnea's relationship. I nearly fell over when I read your review. It's like you read my mind!
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This chapter is a bit angsty, but so is the series, so! Hope you enjoy!
The day before the expedition, Linnea did everything possible to keep herself occupied. She didn't leave any room between activities. She arrived early to assist Evaline in the barn to give all the horses the once over. By the time that was done it was late morning and she made her way to the kitchens to help with lunch prep, dicing potatoes and other vegetables. Then she joined Hange for the final inspection of the ODM gear and gas tanks they were bringing to supply hidden stashes beyond the walls.
Despite her best efforts, she couldn't shake the ominous feeling inside her. Her chest was tight all day. The stress of any expedition was difficult enough. She'd grown somewhat used to the ever dwelling prospect of loss in the last couple years. But there was a whole new factor in this go around. No doubt, Furlan and his group would continue with their plan. If they hadn't made a move yet, it was likely they planned to wait until the expedition, when they were far beyond the walls of law. If they succeeded, Erwin might end up dead. He might end up dead regardless. They all might...
In her idle thoughts Linnea gripped and twisted the gear she inspected while Hange carried on. Determined to draw her focus to something else, she looked down at the assembly. She stared, toying with the anchor, eyes followed the steel wire. She blinked, squinting and taking a closer look. She wasn't sure why she hadn't noticed before, but this part of the rig reminded her of something.
"Something wrong with that one?" Hange asked, peaking over her shoulder.
Linnea was momentarily tugged from her current troubles. Hange's intrusion spurred other thoughts. "Have you ever considered how you'd catch a Titan?" She asked, fiddling with the wires anchor again.
Hange caught the hinting in her friends voice and leaned over curiously. "Some. Why?"
Linnea gave a shrug. She always found herself reluctant to speak when it came to matters that involved her studies in her family's library. It had kept her safe thus far, after all.
Hange, though, was not easily deterred. "Oh, come on!" She roughly grabbed Linnea's shoulders, startling her a bit. "The first time you show interest in my idea and you're just gonna shrug it off? Tell me what you're thinking!"
Linnea pulled out of her grip and heaved a sigh. Hange was one of the few she did completely trust. She decided there couldn't be harm in speaking a little more freely. She turned gesturing with the gear. "I read a book once that talked about something called a 'siege weapon'. There were all different kinds. They were used to sack fortified cities with heavy defenses."
"Plan on conquering cities?" Hange asked teasingly with a quirk of the brow.
Linnea rolled her eyes. "No. I was just wondering, has anyone every considered implementing a system like this into a weapon?" She could see the gears in Hange's head starting to turn.
Hange stroked her chin in thought. "Go on..."
"The instruments I read about could anchor into heavy doors and walls and pry them open. We don't need to tear down walls or doors, but it might be possible to anchor a wire like this into a smaller Titan..." She trailed off, already noticing the flush starting to take Hange's cheeks. It was a look she knew well.
"Oh... My... GOD, what a brilliant idea!" Hange belted, snatching the rig out of her friends hand to start examining it further. "Rather than shooting at a stationary target, we could make the anchored end stationary! And if we could get multiple wires in a single assembly we could secure even bigger targets! We can start with a few prototypes and from there-!"
"Hey! Hey!" Linnea, tried to calm her a bit. "I was just making an observation! This isn't something I'm a hundred percent about. Besides, the command has said-"
Hange cut her off with a wave. "Shush! Don't ruin my thunder."
Linnea inwardly groaned. What had she started? Hange was far beyond snapping back to the tasks they had at hand. She was already leaning over the desk, crudely drawing up some sketches.
Finishing the gear inspection proved even harder with Hange's new distraction. Linnea made her way through the came to the mess hall, intent on grabbing a meal before continuing her duties.
"Sarah!" A hushed voice came.
Linnea stopped in her tracks, recognizing it immediately. Her brow grew tense as she glanced to the side at the man concealing himself between the building. She breathed a sigh and approached the young rogue, a heavy feeling creeping into her. "Furlan," She began as she stepped into the small alley with him. "I'm sorry, I can't do this anymore."
"I know, I know," He began cheerfully, scratching the back of his head. "I'm such a nuisance." When he noticed her tense expression didn't change, he seemed to realized. "Is there something wrong?"
"Whatever it is you're planning, I can't be a part of it. You've used me enough." She told him sternly.
Now he looked pained. "No, Sarah, I never meant to use you. I meant what I said. I needed your help for-"
"I don't care what you need." Linnea snapped a little more harshly than she meant to. "I won't take part in it. I just hope you figure out it's a mistake before it's too late." She told him with a tone of finality, then started to leave.
"Sarah, please!" Furlan pleaded, his volume escaping him a bit. When she stopped he went on, eyes falling to the ground. "I never meant to hurt you. I'm so sorry if I did." He stuffed a hand in his pocket and retrieved and folded up paper. "I realized you're the only person I never know how to talk to. You're so beautiful that everything in my head gets all mixed up and I look like an idiot." He said with a smile, despite the sour tone the exchange had taken. "That's why I wrote this." He offered it to her. She eyed it, but did not reach for it in return. "You don't have to read it now." He assured her. "You can wait until later." She still didn't reach for it and his hand adopted a soft shake. "Or tomorrow. Or after I leave. Anytime really. Whenever you want." He said in a pleading tone.
Linnea fought it hard. Her compassionate nature screamed for understanding but she willed herself cold. Erwin's words of warning kept her strong and built tall walls around her heart. Furlan had lied to her and the feeling of betrayal lingered.
Finally she quietly reached out and took the note. She looked it over in her hand a moment then tucked it into her pocket. He looked like he wanted to say more but she just couldn't hear it. "Good bye Furlan." She said just when his lips started to part, turning quickly and leaving him behind.
The next day Linnea walked the narrow streets of Shinganshina district. The crowds from the expedition procession had long since dispersed but the market remained flooded with patrons. She typically made these trips with Erwin, Mike or occasionally Hange. She'd only done it on her own a handful of times. Desperate for any kind of distraction, she weaved through the crowds and made her way down unfamiliar side streets, noting the different shops and smells that hung heavy in the air.
With her eyes up on the different venues and signs, she didn't noticed the young boy crossing her path and grunted when she tripped over him. She gasped as she regained her footing and looked to the small brunette boy with bright blue eyes. "Oh! Are you okay?" She asked, quickly grabbing his shoulders and helping him up. The boy wore a rather irate expression.
"Eren!" A woman called through the crowd. "What have a told you about watching where you're going?!" She scolded as she snatched the child by the arm. "I'm so sorry!" The woman apologized.
Linnea quickly shook her head. "No! That was my fault! Please don't be angry with him."
"My son could pay better attention." The woman gave the boys arm a good tug. "Apologize, now." She told him.
The boy looked away, clearly annoyed. "Sorry." He mumbled. The woman gave one more apologetic bow then pulled her son along. Linnea watched them leave, a small smile creeping on her face. Something about that boy reminded her of her little brothers...
The crowds finally started to thin out and she blinked when something in her peripheral caught her eye. She turned and fixed her eyes on a familiar site. One she hadn't seen in quite some time. It was considered quite the offense to fly a flag bearing any family or region name. It was thought disloyal to the crown and military. Furthermore the church considered it heresy to fly a flag that did not honor the wall goddess' first. For this reason, some regions simply adopted colors. Noble houses typically few their own colors. Bright purples and gaudy reds or yellows. The Shah family had chosen to respect the colors of the rest of their lands. A pale blue. As far back as Linnea could remember she'd seen the color on clothes, banners, décor and china. It just looked like home. She rushed to the small shop displaying the familiar color in fabric and banners in its window.
Nearly unable to contain her excitement, she entered the shop, looking around at all the silks and clothes baring the color. She couldn't help the smile on her face as she touched the fabrics, strolling through the empty shop. In a time not long ago she'd wear fine dresses with such elegant fabric. She couldn't fathom why there would be such a shop in this district though...
"See something you like?"
Linnea was startled by the elderly voice. Her head quickly panned around, but she didn't see anyone.
Her eyes eventually found the old woman behind the counter, just the top of her head visible.
"I'm sorry." Linnea apologized, coming closer. "I didn't even notice you there."
She was softly surprised when the little woman behind the counter stood to come into better view. She was quite obviously from her native region. They shared the same olive skin and the woman wore the same pale blue fabric she'd just been admiring.
"Are you from the Ridge?" Linnea felt compelled to ask.
The woman smiled, though she didn't look at her. It was then that Linnea noticed the dark tint of cataracts in the woman's eyes. "I am." She replied warmly. "From a small village called Adesh. You're familiar with the region?"
"Yes." Linnea felt no harm in admitting. "Very familiar."
"'Come to the South' my husband told me. 'We can bring our trade to a new land. Teas and silks are in demand there' he said. Uprooted our family and brought us all the way here. Then he dropped dead on me before we even finished the shop. Left me with three kids too, the bastard." She let out a cackle.
"I'm sorry for your loss." Linnea said politely.
The woman waved her off. "No need. It was ages ago. My kids are all grown now with families of their own. And here I am, an old fool still minding this damn store." Linnea found herself smiling at the woman's sass. "What's your name?" The woman asked.
It just nearly came out. Her lips parted and her birth name nearly slipped off her tongue. She was desperate to have common ground with someone. Still, she stopped herself. "Sarah."
The woman smiled. "Well Sarah, my name is Nimisha but the Southern folk think that's too long so most call me Nim." She grasped her cane and used it to stand. "Or 'old hag', whichever you'd prefer."
Linnea stifled her laughter. "I can't tell you how nice it is to meet you, Nim."
"Come, come." The blind old woman gestured her around the counter. "I was just going to make some tea. Help an ancient woman out."
Linnea eagerly complied.
The hours passed so quickly. All of the anxiety Linnea had had in the previous days melted away as she sipped tea and talked with the elderly woman. It was so refreshing, enjoying an actual conversation that didn't revolve around military tactic or solemn subjects. She hadn't realized how much she missed the company of her own people. Nim had such wit and talking about home so freely gave Linnea such a warm feeling. It wasn't until the bells started to toll that she realized how long it had actually been. The day had begun to wane and the Scouts were returning from their expedition. It was then that the stress returned. She'd let the joy of home and nostalgia fog her senses but the stress now returned full force.
Linnea shoved away from the table a bit more hastily than she meant to. "I'm so sorry." She said, quickly downing her last bit of tea. "I have to go."
"Eager to see the returning procession?" Nim asked.
"My uncle and friends are Scouts. I have to make sure they're safe." Linnea told her apologetically.
"Ah, well then, you best hurry. I hope they made it back okay." The old woman said.
"I'll visit again soon." She promised.
"Please do." Nim replied with a wave.
Linnea burst out of the shop and hurried down the street toward the districts main gate. Crowds had already formed along the main road and she could see the lifted gate in the distance. The people, roused and triumphant this morning now held a somber silence. Her nerves picked up again as she ducked and weaved through, making her way to the front to catch a glimpse of the returning troops.
When she broke through the crowd she could see the first of the men slowly pushing through the gate. Commander Shadis was at the front, head hanging low. She could just barely make out Erwin behind with Hange and Mike slowly treading behind him. There were very clear gaps in their ranks and quite a few supply carts missing. Though mildly relieved at the sight of her friends, Linnea's heart still hung low.
She waited patiently as the rest filed in. She stood on her toes, anxiously waiting for a glimpse of Flagon and his squad. She tried to ignore the disjointed murmurs of the crowd and keep some hope. Finally, toward the end of the procession she caught sight of Levi. She smiled widely, relief washing over her, eyes darting all around him trying to locate Furlan and the young red head. But the happiness quickly faded and was replaced by a horrible heaviness. They were no where to be found and the look that Levi favored confirmed it... They were gone...
Once he reached the stables Erwin dismounted, pulling the stallions reigns over it's head to guide it along as he walked. He could see Linnea waiting for him. He could tell by the tight, pained face she wore that she was acutely aware of the soldiers among this expeditions casualties. He didn't say anything as he walked his horse inside, handing it off to a young stable hand for tending.
"I'm glad you made it back safe." She told him, as she always did upon his return.
Erwin gave a nod to his ward, pulling off his forest green scouting cloak. "I appreciate that."
"Hange and Mike seem well." She said, forcing a casual tone.
"They're fine." He confirmed, shaking out his cloak then folding it over his arm to carry, beginning to make his way out of the stable.
Linnea presumed he would head to the offices for a formal gathering to discuss the outcome and numbers of this expedition. She felt her window of opportunity closing, so she just asked. "How did they die?"
Erwin stopped. He glanced back at her, his expression unchanged. He knew when she was behaving unusually and could venture a guess at what pained her now. "Inclement weather caused a lapse in communication in our formation." He explained. "Unfortunately their squad ran into Titans in that short time. One of which was an abnormal."
Linnea nodded at that, forcing a level face. "Flagon?" She asked, though she felt she already knew the answer.
"Killed." Erwin said, his tone rather cold. "Along side his men."
She had known all this. Still the confirmation tugged at her heart and a war raged in her chest. She could feel Erwin's eyes on her so she pressed on. "And your formation?" She asked in a softer voice.
"Largely successful until the weather helped break our lines. It's safe to say we'll continue implementing it."
Linnea watched him speak, silently wondering if it was always this easy for him. The way he kept composed and focused. How hard had the terrain of the expedition been on him? How many men had been lost in just a day? Yet here he stood, straight faced and tall, with all the answers.
Erwin passed her, exiting the stables and beginning to make his way to the offices. Linnea remained, eyes glued to the ground. "Sarah," She looked up when she heard him call to her. "They were soldiers. Just like all the others. Humanity can't succeed without sacrifice." He told her.
Linnea looked away, face tight. "Sacrifice." She repeated, the word leaving a bitter taste in her mouth. Not at all satisfied with that she turned and began toward the rest of the ranks.
"Where are you going?" Erwin called to her, though he knew well where she was headed.
"I'm going to talk to Levi." She told him, uncaring and defiant.
"I wouldn't." He said. "He needs space."
"He needs condolences." She said without looking back.
She found him in the barracks, sitting on the edge of his bunk, head hanging low. He didn't look up when she entered. His eyes were fixed on the wood floor.
"Levi..." Linnea called to him softly upon her approach. He didn't reply. He didn't even look up. She wasn't sure if he heard so she tried again. "Lev-"
"What?" He asked irately.
"I just.." She struggled with her words. "I wanted to tell you I'm so sorry."
He glanced toward her momentarily but his eyes found the floor again. "You can leave now." He told her curtly.
"I just want you to know-" She tried to continue.
"I said get the fuck out!" He suddenly stood, causing her to jump at his outburst. "I don't need a hollow apology from some spoiled little bitch!" He shouted at her.
She recoiled in fear, the rage in him shaking her. Her first instinct was to run but she fought it hard. His words stung more than he could imagine. Still, she grounded herself and faced his fury. After a long silence she finally spoke. "It's alright." She managed to say. "I know it must hurt."
Levi stared back at her, the fire in him fading at her words. He shook his head and roughly pushed past her, unwilling to hear more. He exited the barracks, slamming the door shut behind him.
"What are you doing?" Hange asked as she came up behind her young friend.
Linnea didn't respond, just stood where she had been, staring at the procession of carts that made their way into the main courtyard of the encampment. Hange cast a solemn glance around as the grisly task of unloading the bodies of their fallen comrades began. The smell of death was already thick in the air. The nurses wore masks and carried clipboard to note names, circumstances of deaths and any personal affects or messages that should be relayed to loved ones. Then the bodies were prepared for burning.
"Come on." Hange reached for the girl, giving her arm a tug. "You don't need to-"
"Yes I do." Linnea interrupted her. She never stuck around this long. She'd never been able to stomach it. She was no stranger to the casualty rate of the Scouts. But she realized the only real grasp she had of it was the faces missing from the camp, barracks and mess halls in the weeks that followed expeditions. Was that respectful? 'No.' She thought. 'Not in the least.' She willed herself steady, cementing her stance.
Hange's face fell uncharacteristically but she didn't argue more. Just released Linnea's arm and left. Linnea watched silently as each stretcher was unloaded one by one. Sheets covered the remains but there were very clear signs of the trauma and carnage, the deep rusted color soaking through. The men unloading tried to stay focused on their task, moving the bodies like any other cargo.
It didn't become easier to watch, as she hoped it would. Every body that was removed left her riddled with guilt and questions. Who was under that sheet? Someone she knew in passing? Maybe someone who said 'Hi.' to her everyday. How had they met their end? Were they brave? Scared? She felt a deep pain growing. Had she really been so blind? She had preached her respect and love for the Scouts that had adopted her, yet in all this time she'd turned a blind eye to their ultimate sacrifice because it was too painful for her. So many had come and gone in just the short time she'd spent among them and they had all ended up here. Lifeless under a bloodied sheet.
The men were nearly halfway done with the overfilled cart by now. They began to walk another stretcher off the cart and toward the area where the rest were gathered for their final preparations. One of the men stumbled, causing a shift in the stretcher. The body on it shifted as well, causing the other man to jolt and compensate for the weight to keep it from falling off. It seemed the minor fumble was all the young scout needed to lose it. He cracked, grip becoming shaky, clenching his eyes tight to fight the tears. "I'm sorry, I just... I need a minute."
The other man knelt with him and they both set the stretcher on the ground. The emotional man excused himself to gain composure while the other simply waited. Linnea felt her body moving before she even realized it. She knew she couldn't make up for the lives lost for the sake of noble lords and ladies such as herself but an overwhelming need for atonement called to her. She silently crossed the courtyard, coming into the flicker light of the evening torches. The waiting scout watched her curiously as she approached and came to stand at the opposite end of the stretcher. "Oh no, Sarah..." He began to protest. "You don't have to."
"It's fine, Ness." Linnea assured him, letting a calming numb take her as she crouched to grasp the handles of the stretcher.
Dieter Ness stood in a soft shock. Erwin Smith's niece was always kind enough and a welcome sight in the camp, but he never imagined her fully submersed in the grisly violence that was the true life of a scout. She always seemed conveniently absent from the reality of it all. He wasn't sure what provoked her boldness now, or the hardened expression she wore.
Reluctantly, Ness crouched down and took hold of his end of the stretcher. They lifted together. Ness waited to Linnea to adjust. Her brow grew tight when she realized it was much lighter than she had anticipated. Lighter than any whole human corpse. She tried to shake the thought off and began a backwards pace, guiding Ness on the other end toward the rest of the unloaded bodies. Her eyes panned down. The sheet clung to the face of the deceased scout beneath, outlining their features. She quickly looked away. They set the body down and Ness watched with equal surprise as the girl made her way back toward the cart to assist unloading the rest.
Linnea did her best to keep it together. She told herself she had to. There was urgency in her pace as she found her way to the room she used in the officers building. She stumbled inside and shoved the door shut behind her, making her way over to the small desk by the bed. She dislodged every book tossing each carelessly to the side until she found the one she was searching for. With shaky hands she peeled back page after page. When she couldn't do that fast enough she held the book up, impatiently shaking it until the folded note she was looking for fell out. She snatched it off the floor and quickly unfolded it.
Sarah,
This may seem ridiculous and childish but every time I'm around you I just can't keep my head straight. I thought if I wrote everything down I could finally get it all out.
I noticed you right away because you kind of looked out of place here. I thought we might have that in common. After talking to you I still think you are, but not for all the crazy, messed up reasons I am.
Me, Levi and Isabel. Nothing was ever given to us, so all we know how to do is take. We're products of our environment. We've always had to fight. But that doesn't make us monsters. We're people. Just like anyone else. We want and we love and we bleed all the same. I hope you can see that. Even when we don't seem redeemable. Even when no one else see's the good in us.
There's a good chance that when everything is said and done you're going to hate me. I just hope that, no matter what happens, you'll still try to see me in a good light. I want you to know I did everything I could to try and make things right. And if I'm exceedingly lucky, maybe you'll forgive me for who I've been up until now. But if that's not the case, I promise I understand.
I have no delusions about my self worth. I know I'm probably nobody to you. Trust me, it's not a notion that's new to me. I've never been anybody my whole life. But I just wanted you to know that the thought of being someone to you, just you, that's all that's been keeping me going.
I hope we can talk in person soon.
-Furlan
Linnea's vision blurred with tears as she read the last few words and his name at the end, sloppily written as if it were an after thought.
I promise, the love is on it's way! Thanks for reading! Will update ASAP!