"Love." What does that even mean anymore. Everyone always takes such a precious word for granted. I pondered in my room for hours trying to decipher Phil's words,
"I Love you, Dan."
Phil had said that out of now before biding me goodnight. Even though he says it, I don't feel like he really means it. I don't really know what made me question this; I mean it is 3 in the morning so I guess that explains it. I've been thinking about many things lately, such as the fact that I feel every unloved; I haven't been in a relationship for years now. I feel very alone. Every time I'm alone, without Phil in the room, I start to think of how happy he is. He hasn't had a girlfriend in years either, yet he's the most positive person there is. I guess its because I'm too loud and awkward. Maybe it's because I'm to obnoxiously sarcastic. Maybe its because of the fat on my stomach. Maybe it's because I over think everything and make ever situation worse. I want someone to truly care about me, I know Phil cares about me as a friend but I want more. I alway distance myself from everyone, I'm just really bad with people but very good being alone. Nice going, Dan. I honestly really hate everything about myself. I feel very unloved and unwanted; sure the fans tell me otherwise but I can't help but to think that they're all lying to me. Everyone lies. It doesn't take much than simple hate comments to bring my self-esteem down, I'll never be good enough I have too many flaws. Is this how it's going to be for the rest of my life? I just don't want to feel lonely anymore. Maybe I don't deserve to be loved. I'm not good enough for anyone I guess, no matter how hard I try.
'I'll never be good enough.' I thought as I started sobbing onto my pillow.
After a few minutes, I heard my door creak open.
"Dan?" Phil whispered, coming my way, "Are you alright?"
"I'm fine. Why are you awake? It's so late?"
"I should be asking you the same thing. Why are crying, Bear?"
That silly nickname, Phil only used it when he knew I wasn't doing okay.
"I just don't-" I couldn't bring myself to tell Phil how I felt. I choked on my own words and instead of speaking, I cried on to Phil.
"It's going to be alright, I'm here now, Dan." Phil said has he rubbed small circles on my back.
I cried for a while until I was only just sniffling.
"Do you feel better?" Phil asked still not letting go of me. Phil was the type of person to not pull away unless you did first which was another reason I loved him so much. I simply nodded.
"Do you want to tell me why you're so upset, Bear?" I pulled away and nodded. I guess Phil deserves an explanation after I woke him up in the middle of the night.
"I-I don't deserve to be loved." I blurted out, covering my tear stained face away from Phil.
"I just- I'm just really ugly. I'm ugly both, inside and out, Phil. I just feel every unloved and unwanted. I don't want to feel like this anymore. Please make this pain go away."
" I love-" I interrupted Phil before I could hear more of his lies.
"No you don't. I don't understand how you would. Look at me Phil! I'm a complete mess! Both physically and emotionally."
"Dan, no you're not. Just hear me out. I think you're the best person alive. You Daniel, are very intelligent and articulate, which I'm kinda jealous of. You Daniel, are every beautiful. I can list every single little thing I love about you." Phil looked me straight in the eye, he must be regretting saying all of this once he looked at my pathetic weeping face.
"Daniel James Howell, I don't care what you read or who tells you otherwise but I want you to know that every single inch of your body is beautiful; not just your appearance but your personality as well. You make me laugh everyday and you make me smile just because I remember how lucky I am to have you."
"No, I'm not done yet. Dan, I love you so much. Don't worry what other people think, I think you're amazing."
"Phil you don't love me the way I love you but I know you'll never love me that way, I mean look at me!" I didn't mean to blurt this out but I was just so frustrated, but that frustration just made Phil go quiet.
"Phil, I-I'm sorry. I didn't me-" I was cut off by soft lips on my own. The kiss was very quick yet soft and loving.
"Dan," Phil said as he lifted my chin up to meet his intense blue eyes. "I do love you," He lifted his hand to move my hair from my face, "I never want you to feel this way." He slowly leaned in, closing the gap between us. I once again felt his soft lips on mine, I was so taken back this was actually happening that I almost forgot to kiss him back. His melted on to mine, taking all my problems away; at that moment I felt truly loved.
Once we pulled away, Phil said, "I don't ever want to feel sad and lonely, I'm here now, I'll always be here, Bear. I love you so much, and I'll saying it until if you believe me. You're kinda the best thing thats ever happened to me." He wiped the tears away and pulled me down to the bed with him.
"Yeah Dan?" Phil asked as he made circles on my back to soothe me.
"I love you too." I said as I fell asleep, sleeping next to the only person who will always make me feel loved.