Colours and Numbers

Summary: Kuroko teaches kindergarten to a bunch of absolute monsters. Riko's convinced they're normal five year olds. It goes as well as you think.

Kuroko was a master of the 'smiling on the outside, screaming on the inside face' even if most of his smiles made him look as if he'd recently been smacked by a slightly damp mackerel.

It was this mastery of expressions combined with Kuroko looking like a Picasso painting gone wrong that couldn't stop Riko from pressing her hand to her mouth and snorting in the least feminine way possible.

"Y-You alright there, Tetsuya?" she asked, trying to get back her rapidly deteriorating composure.

Kuroko tilted his head a half inch to the side and it pushed his smile from 'I am clearly uncomfortable' to 'Mildly unsettling'. One pale hand reached up and slim fingers wiped away at a thick glob of paint, flicking green specks to the tiled floor.

"I don't know Riko-san. Am I okay?"

"You're looking a little…artistic."

Kuroko's smile widened by a fraction and Riko felt a shiver run down her spine.

"I was helping Kagami-kun with his art project. Aomine-kun disagreed." Kuroko attempted wiping more paint from his face and ended up with a rainbow of smears across his cheek instead.

"They're just kids Tetsuya, I'm sure they mean nothing of it. They're kindergarteners after all, we can't expect too much from them."

"Akashi-kun got involved," Kuroko added mildly and Riko froze from where she was reaching out with a handkerchief to help Kuroko.


"Yes." Kuroko nodded, accepting the piece of cloth from frozen fingers, scrubbing enthusiastically at his neck until most of the paint was gone and his pale skin was flushed red from the friction.

"But Akashi – "

"Is far beyond his years, yes. But it seems this…infatuation affects even him."

"N-Now, now, Tetsuya, that's going a little far. Infatuation?"

Kuroko rolled his head on his neck to make direct eye contact with Riko and she took a step back. The dead-eye fish stare was more than enough to creep her out.

"Two weeks ago Midorima-kun attempted to set me up with his single mother. Two days after that, Akashi-kun managed to engineer a situation where his father approached me and offered to pay for my services, so long as they were conducted at his house, with just his son. Atsushi-kun – " and here Kuroko's voice pitched an octave higher, "- Atsushi-kun stowed away in my car. I only knew because the after school teacher on duty called and asked where he was because Himuro-kun had come to pick him up and he wasn't there!"

Riko was at a loss for words, aware that her mouth was probably gaping and that she couldn't help but stare.

"B-But they're only five, Tetsuya."

"I'm well aware." Kuroko crossed the room to the sink that the staffroom offered and all but dunked his head under the tap. Riko counted to thirty before she edged over to his side and stopped him from passing out from lack of air.

"I'm just trying to say…they're imaginative and eccentric. They'll grow out of it, I'm sure."

"I'm more afraid they're growing into it," Kuroko muttered. "I put them down for naps the other day, turned away for two seconds, and Kise-kun was taking selfies on my phone. When I asked him why, it was so I would have something to remember of him when I went home. Kise-kun is also the one that has to kiss my arm every day before he leaves because he's afraid I'll die if I don't get his love."

"That's not so bad – "

"He broke down into hysterics when I tried to leave without my kiss one day and wouldn't let Kasamatsu-kun take him away before it had happened. I'm talking full blown tantrum, Riko-san. Ugly tears, kicking legs, thrashing arms. He was seconds away from making himself throw up."

"Normal childish behaviour," Riko tried to dismiss with a laugh, loosely waving her hand. "He was convinced you'd die without the kiss, so indulge him."

Kuroko plucked a kitchen towel off of the side, rubbing his damp hair, shrugging a shoulder in what almost seemed like dismissal.

Before he could formulate a reply, there was a shrill battle cry from the doorway.

"I found him first! Finders keepers!"

Kuroko had just enough time to turn before Aomine was slamming into his kneecaps, bringing the startled teacher down with him with another cry of victory. Before Kuroko could even catch his breath, Aomine was shimmying up his body, elbows and knees and pointy bits digging in before he was flopped on Kuroko's chest, beaming widely into his face.

"I found you!"

"No fair Aominecchi! You got a headstart!" Kise wailed from the doorway, before he was unceremoniously shoved to the side by Kagami who stormed in and hollered, "I'll fight you for him, Aomine-idiot!"

"You'd lose, Kagami-stupid!" Aomine shrieked back, completely uncaring of his proximity to Kuroko's face, who had promptly covered his ears.

"Yeah?! I'd like to see you try it!" Kagami stomped over and Aomine scrambled to his feet, ready to fight for the right to his teacher.

Kuroko slowly sat up with one hand on his head, one braced on the cold tiles, and was startled when warm, sticky fingers eased under his palm to curl around his fingers.

"Fighting it boring," Murasakibara mumbled, leaning into Kuroko's side. "It's too much effort."

Kuroko let Murasakibara keep a loose grip on his hand, turning to face Riko with what he was certain was an 'I told you so' look on his face.

Riko didn't see it, as she was doubled over in the corner trying not to die of laughter.

"Heathens, the lot of them." A squeaky, imperious voice spoke from in front of him, and Kuroko was forced to lower his hand from his head to balance on the floor as well as Akashi marched over and sat himself primly on Kuroko's lap, just so the two of them wouldn't topple over.

"Akashi-kun, I'm not sure you know what that word means," Kuroko said gently, and Akashi tilted his head back to make direct eye contact upside down with the teacher.

"I know that the lot of them are it. And that is good enough."

"I'm not a whatever!" Kise complained, draping himself over Kuroko's shins, one arm wormed underneath his knee so he could hold on. "I know how to be not one of those!"

Akashi squinted his eyes at Kise and nudged him with his foot a few times before deciding he was pleased with the turn of events and curled himself closer into Kuroko's chest, legs tucking up and knees digging into Kuroko's thigh.

"None of you are," Kuroko reassured him, and eased his arm up slightly out of the way as Midorima squeezed into the space opposite Murasakibara, one arm clutching at Kuroko and the other hand twisted with Akashi's.

Something in Kuroko went warm and fuzzy as he watched, because while the lot of them were little devils, they had their moments of being cute. Midorima's and Akashi's inexplicable yet close friendship was one of them.

Aomine and Kagami were still squabbling, but it was more gentle jabs of fingers and a fight to see who could raise their voices the loudest.

Kuroko's class was a class of terrors, but they were his little monsters. Kise's delight at learning something new, Midorima's shyness at being congratulated, Aomine's and Kagami's rivalry, Atsushi's attentiveness and Akashi's need to devour information faster than Kuroko could give it were all quirks that he loved.

If only they would go to naptime with the intention to nap.

(In the distance he heard Riko whisper a breathless apology, her voice still hitching with hysterical laughter.)

Another quick one written up! This is for Dictator4Life who requested Kuroko the Kindergarten Teacher!

(And his slightly – very – obsessed students)

Again, apologies for any mistakes, and I hope you enjoy it!