Hello, everyone! This is a lot like my Peter Pettigrew story When I See You Again. i will be doing a suicide story for each Marauder, and here is Sirius's.
Disclaimer: I own nada.
Wondering what if never helps. What if I never became a werewolf? What if James, Sirius, and Peter had never found out? What if I'd never been born? The world doesn't work like that. What happens happens.
But that doesn't stop me from lying awake in bed every night, tossing and turning and wondering... thinking... regretting.
I was the one to find him.
James and Peter had already left for breakfast, but I'd forgotten my Transfiguration homework in the dorm and rushed up to get it.
Sometimes I wish I never had.
The minute I stepped into the dormitory, I smelled blood. As a werewolf, my senses of smell and hearing are sharper than an ordinary human's and the scent of blood will only burn in my nose, forever scarring me.
The bathroom door was closed and light shined underneath it. The only one that could be in there was Sirius, the traitor that had told Snape how to get past the Willow.
But that didn't matter right now. All that mattered was the stench of blood and the fact that I could tell there was a lot of it. Sirius Black was hurt.
"Sirius!" I called, knocking on the door. Nothing, not a peep. "Sirius, if you don't open the door, I'm opening it myself!"
"Alohormora!" I hissed, waving my wand and watching as the door clicked and unlocked.
The stench of blood grew ten times stronger and I screamed so loudly that they could probably hear me down in the dungeons.
A fully clothed Sirius Black was lying in a bathtub full of crimson water, his wrists gushing blood. Bloody snakes slithered their way down the porcelain and handprints of scarlet stained the wall.
Another shout for help sounded- my brain vaguely recognizing it as the voice of Lily Evans- but nothing mattered. Nothing except Sirius and the crippling guilt.
"Sir!" (Pronounced Sere) "Sir! Siri! Padfoot, wake up, damn it!"
"Moony, it's your turn," James's voice shook me out of my thoughts.
I realized I was not a fifteen years old boy that had just been traumatized. I was twenty one and scarred for life.
"Hey, Padfoot," I whispered, kneeling in the dirt at the grave of Sirius Black. "We miss you."
I laid a photo on the grave- one of us four standing in front of Hogwarts a mere week before the Whomping Willow incident.
"I'm sorry," I murmured. "I never meant for this to happen."
I could almost hear him saying, 'it's not your fault, Remy.' But even if Sirius came down from heaven and shook me, telling me over and over again not to blame myself, I still would.
I always will.
Wondering what if is pointless. What if I was a better person? What if I wasn't so stubborn? What if I had told about the abuse he suffered in that hell he called a home? But that's not how life works. What happens happens.
But that doesn't stop me from crying into Lily's shoulder more often than not. That doesn't stop me from sniffling every time I tell Harry a story of the brilliant Padfoot- the godfather he would never meet.
I didn't see Sirius like Remus and Lily, but his death hurt me just as much, if not more.
I was the one that told the others to never forgive Sirius.
"What the hell were you thinking, Sirius? Telling Snape about the Whomping Willow! He could have died, Black! Remus could've been executed! Did you even think?"
"No, Sirius! I am not going to stand here and listen to your excuses! You are just like the rest of your family! You do something wrong- evil, even- and try to lie your way out of it!"
That was a low blow, and I knew it. Sirius was nothing like his family; the only thing he shared with that lot were his looks, and even then, he tried to make himself look different by messing up his hair and rumpling his clothes.
I'd stormed away from Sirius with a final, "Never speak to me again, Black," thrown over my shoulder, coldly.
He killed himself not even a month later.
I still remember the last thing he said to me.
"I'm sorry, James, I never meant to hurt you guys. "
"Sorry isn't good enough, Sirius."
"I know an apology is not enough, but it's all I can give you."
"And like I said, it's not good enough."
He'd hesitated for a moment before he whispered, "Look, I can't live without you guys. Please, forgive me, James."
"You're pathetic, Black." I spun on my heel and I hadn't taken a step before Sirius spoke once more.
"Goodbye, James. You're like a brother to me and know that I'm so, so, so sorry. For everything."
"Hey, Siri," I whispered to his grave stone. "Harry will be turning one this year. He says he wants to be just as brave as Padfoot, and that his role model is you, even if you two have never met.
"Regulus just had his first kid. His name's Dean Sirius Black. Can you believe the boy's mother is a Muggle? The boy who used to spout all that pureblood crap married a Muggle. I guess you were a good influence.
"I miss you, Siri, and I'll never stop missing you. Goodbye, sweet brother, and know that I forgive you."
Wondering what if will get you no where. What if I'd talked to him? What if I'd forgiven him? What if I'd allowed myself to understand and help? What if I wasn't such a follower? That's not how life works. What happens happens.
But that doesn't stop me from getting drunk every weekend just to forget his name and what happened. But deep down, I know I'll never forget.
I was the last person he talked to.
I'd been studying in the dorm room when Sirius burst in, his eyes red and puffy.
"Peter," he huffed, sounding like he'd been running, "how do you do it?"
"What do you mean?" I'd asked.
"Well, it's just that we ignore you so much and I didn't notice it until now and I'm sorry, but how do you deal with it? I can barely live with you guys ignoring me and-" he sounded almost hysterical.
"Woah, buddy," I put my hand up in a classic slow down/stop symbol. "I can handle it because I'm used to it. At my primary school, I was mostly ignored by everyone. I didn't really expect Hogwarts to be any different."
"Oh," his silver eyes darted down, looking almost ashamed. "I'm sorry, Pete, I never noticed. Hopefully, things will change now... for the better."
I hesitated. "Sir, you hurt Remus. I don't know if we can ever forgive you for that."
"I know, but you don't have to," Sirius looked at me, his stare so serious and determined that it made me want to back away from him. "Just know that I am so, so, so sorry."
He left without another word.
I never talked long at his grave, but sometimes, I would review the evidence over and over again, trying to find out why Sirius would do this to himself. Sirius was so strong; surely, a mistake wouldn't cause him to end his life.
But I knew that without us, he had nobody, except Regulus, who he couldn't talk to without getting them both in trouble. His family hated him, and would love nothing more than to see him dead. We were ignoring him. What did Sirius have to live for at that point?
All I did today was kneel in the dirt and place a yellow rose on his gravestone. I always found it strange how a yellow rose represents so many different things: friendship, betrayal, a broken heart, and so many other things that would take me years to name. Nonetheless, I thought Sirius would love it.
He wrote us all letters, you know, and on this day, Remus and James handed me their's, knowing I would read them at least a dozen times and look through a box of photographs. The evidence.
Never, ever blame yourself for this. I had many things that would make me want to end my life: my family, the mounting pressure to join Voldemort (even if I never would), and my Uncle Alfred passing on last month. The Whomping Willow incident just happened to occur at the worst time... hell, is there a better time?
It shouldn't have happened at all.
I was grieving and upset and I wasn't thinking clearly. That's no excuse though, and I'll never forgive myself.
I love you, James. You were like my brother.
I am so sorry, too sorry for words. I betrayed your trust, and after being betrayed so many times before, you think I'd know better than to lose the one person I could truly trust.
I loved you, Moony. As more than a friend. And I could never bring myself to tell you that because my parents told me you'd be disgusted. Coming from a homophobic family didn't encourage me to tell you.
I guess it doesn't really matter now, does it?
But I loved you, Remy, and I always will. I'll see you again, just not any time soon.
I'm sorry for ignoring you all these years. With my family, you think it'd know how badly actions can affect people, but I guess I am a Black. And Blacks have a habit of copying their relatives.
You've got a bright future, Peter. Don't let people ignoring you or bullying you make you forget that. Be who you wanna be.
I know from experience that when a person is pushed to the edge, it can have tragic consequences.
Be brave, Peter. You are not a coward. Not like I was.
I put his head in my hands and cried.
Why did Sirius Black's life have to end in tragedy? Didn't he deserve better?
"I'm so sorry, Padfoot," three voices whispered to themselves in the dead of night.
And somewhere in the afterlife, Sirius Black murmured, "I forgive you."
Not as good as When I See You Again, but hopefully still pretty good. Read and review!