Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or any of the characters/concepts from it. I make no money from the writing/publishing of this story.

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A/N: This was written as part of my other story: Muggle Things.

This is meant to take place between chapters 21 and 22 of that story. I opted not to include it in it because, at the time, this chapter was shorter and felt like it took away from the flow of the story. But the overwhelming majority of my reviewers said they'd be interested in reading this, so I lengthened it considerably and here you all are, my faithful flock. :)

This can be read without having read Muggle Things, but you might be a tad lost on the background of Draco and Hermione's relationship. Anyway…

WARNING: This contains mature material. Let me rephrase… this contains SEX. If this offends you, please avoid. Please also note that I am very much for the usage of condoms, however this may seem. Protect yourselves, Muggles. And enjoy!

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"I don't see how it's different," Draco said, tilting his head and squinting slightly at the television screen. "What are they censoring out?"

Hermione shifted herself where she was curled up next to him on her parents' living room sofa to peer up at him. "What?"

Draco motioned to the mild sex scene playing out in the film they'd begun watching after they'd settled down from their lengthy talk. "They're obviously not showing everything," he said. "What am I missing?"

Hermione glanced back at the scene, then up at him again to see his face twisted into an expression of consternation. "Based on our afternoon in the pool, you don't need to see everything to know what's going on," she said teasingly. But Draco didn't smile.

"Yeah, but…they're Muggles," he said, still scrutinizing the television. Hermione pursed her lips at his apparent agitation and reached forward to pick up the remote from the low table in front of the sofa. She pointed it at the television and clicked it off.

"What have you heard about Muggle sex, exactly?" she asked him seriously, setting the remote down and then repositioning herself to face him.

Draco frowned at the blank screen. "Just that they do it differently than us," he said quietly.

Hermione hummed. "Well, I've never had sex with a Muggle, but I can still say with one hundred percent certainty that their parts work the same as ours. Whoever told you otherwise was either having you on or woefully uninformed."

"Oh, she was plenty informed about fucking Muggles," he nearly spat. Hermione exhaled a deep breath.

"Astoria?" she said.

Draco's mouth pulled into a slight pout as he continued to glare straight ahead. "She said he did it better than me. Told me that I didn't know how to, and I quote, 'use that pathetic Wizard dick,' and that she'd 'rather have it Muggle-style anyway'."

Hermione considered him a moment. "I'm sure she only said that to try and hurt you. The only differences I can think of there being between Muggle intercourse and ours is the contraception and disease prevention, and I really can't imagine any witch preferring to have to use the Muggle versions."

The combined look of shame and bruised ego on Draco's face melted away at once to be replaced by one of curiosity.

"Why?" he asked, finally turning his gaze to her. "What do they use?"

Hermione bit her lip. "Um, well…they have several methods. But I suppose the most common are birth control pills and condoms."

Draco blinked at her. "Pills and what?"

"Uh…hold on," she said, getting up. "I'll be right back."

Draco watched her jog across the room and then up the stairs and into the bathroom. "What are you doing!?" he called out to her, pushing up from the couch himself when she didn't immediately return.

"Looking for…umph…for…got 'em!" he heard her reply followed by the faint sound of a cabinet closing. She reappeared in the bathroom doorway a second later. "Condoms," she announced, holding up a small box.

Draco's eyebrow ticked upward as he made his way up the stairs to meet her in the hall. She held the box out to him.

"Mum told me she bought these a few years back…'Just in case,'" she explained while Draco took the package from her. "I obviously didn't need them, but the expiry date says they're still good."

"And, I'm sorry, but what is this?" he asked, nose wrinkled at the box in his hand.

"Read the label," she ordered with a nod to it.

Draco gave her a shifty look, but held it up, and read aloud the front. "Pleasure X brand. For maximum protection, maximum pleasure. Bare Sensations. Three Latex Pre-lubricated Condoms."

He glanced back up at her. "This doesn't explain anything," he said.

Hermione simply turned the box around for him in his hand and tapped the full description with her finger. Draco squinted at the small print only for his eyes to widen dramatically as he read.

"No..." he said, shaking his head as the realization of what he was holding sunk in. "No way."

"Muggles can't perform contraceptive charms," Hermione explained, opening the top of the box as he held it. She pulled out one of the squares from within and presented it.

Draco looked at it as if it had personally offended him. "That's the best they could come up with?" he asked incredulously.

Hermione shrugged. "There are the pills I mentioned, that women can take to prevent pregnancy, but Muggles are much more susceptible to venereal disease than we are and their anti-virals are not as effective as potions. So condoms remain the best protection they have against infections."

"So...they just stop in the middle of foreplay and say what...'hold on a moment, dearest, I have to cover my cock'?" he asked sarcastically.

Hermione giggled. "Yes, that's...that's about right."

Draco gaped at her.

"Care to give it a go?" she smiled, waving the wrapped condom at him.

"You're joking, right?"

She shrugged. "You did say you wanted to learn EVERYTHING Muggle related. And, if I recall correctly, Muggle sex was on your original list of things you wanted me to show you. You've mentioned it several times since, in fact."

A nervous scoffing noise eeked out of Draco's throat. "Well, yeah, but...I never thought we'd actually DO it."

Hermione stifled her laugh. "And I never thought I'd be married to you, living together with my parents...but here we are. Life is just full of happy surprises."

Draco chewed the inside of his cheek as he stared at the small square held between her fingers. When Hermione began tearing it open, the blood drained from his face. "What are you doing!?"

"Teaching you," she said casually, pulling the rolled bit of latex from its wrapper.

"Here in the hall!?"

Hermione paused and looked up at his alarmed tone. "Why are you freaking out?"

Draco took another look at the now unrolled condom dangling in her grasp and made a sound like he'd swallowed his tongue. He suddenly looked faint and braced himself with his hand on the wall.

"Draco," Hermione said, placing a hand to his back. "What is wrong?"

"Please," he said through heavy breaths, "don't put that thing on me."

"I was only opening it to show you what it looked like," she explained gently. "I wasn't going to put it on you right here."

She held the condom out so it was in his line of vision again and began stretching it out. "See?" she said calmly, "it's not scary."

Draco pushed himself off the wall, his eyes wide with horror as he watched her tug it over her three middle fingers to better show off its shape. "Oh, dear gods, stop," he begged, taking a step back from her.

"What is the matter?" Hermione laughed. "I know you're not shy."

"I really don't think I can do it."

She raised her brow at him. "You'll get into a racing car and jump into water you think is poison but are too afraid to try a condom?"

He cupped his crotch protectively. "My cock's important," he said vehemently.

Hermione rolled her eyes. "Draco...as your wife I have rather a vested interest in the continued well-being of your cock, wouldn't you agree?"

The corner of Draco's mouth twitched in involuntary amusement at her words. "I suppose so," he said. "But you've never actually used one of those…those things before."

"Well, then, this is one Muggle thing that we can learn together," she said pleasantly, turning toward their bedroom. Draco watched her stop in the doorway and, without looking at him, tug her soft joggers down over her hips, and then step out of them to disappear into the room.

He licked his lips and pressed his hand harder to the sudden bulge between his legs.

"Salazar, save me," he whispered with a glance down at the box of condoms still in his other hand and then let his feet carry him into their room.

When he entered, he found Hermione turning down the bed, clad only in her bra and knickers, her t-shirt already discarded on the floor. She stood and turned to face him when she heard him come in.

"Ready?" she asked, unclipping her hair and ruffling a hand through her curls.

Draco swallowed as he raked his eyes over her. "I think I'm beginning to understand why Potter was always in trouble," he said.

Hermione sat on the very edge of the bed and quirked an eyebrow at the way he looked at her with a bizarre mixture of trepidation and desire. "Do you really not want to?" she asked sincerely.

Draco stared at her matching underwear and then the box in his hand again. "Do you?" he asked.

"I just thought it would be a fun way to finally prove Astoria wrong once and for all," she answered with a light shrug. "But…if you'd rather not..."

She wandlessly summoned her shirt and started slipping her arms into the sleeves.

"What house were you sorted into again?" Draco said, performing his own wandless Accio to whip the shirt back out of her grip and into his own. He chucked the garment to the side and stepped up to her.

Hermione peered up at him as she covered her stomach with her hands out of habit. "I don't know what you mean," she said innocently. Draco eyed the way her fingers splayed protectively out over her skin and then set the box of condoms on the nightstand to his left, never taking his eyes off of her.

"You," he said, moving to stand between her legs, "are entirely too devious to be a Gryffindor."

Hermione smiled as she looked up at her husband towering over her. "You haven't any idea how devious I can be."

Draco tugged his t-shirt over his head and chuckled darkly. "So it would seem," he said, tossing the shirt behind himself. "Enlighten me?"

"Perhaps another time," she replied, her eyes darting to the erection under his boxers that was nearly level with her face. She licked her lips and then looked back up at his face. "At the moment, I think we ought to begin step one of our Muggle sex lesson."

"Muggle sex lessons can't be devious?" he smirked.

Hermione shook her head. "I'm nothing if not professional," she said. "Now…where were we…?"

"Step one?" he said.

Hermione patted the space beside herself. "Step one of Muggle sex," she said primly, "engage in foreplay."

Draco seated himself next to her and leaned close. "Foreplay I can do," he purred confidently, sliding one hand over the one she still had over her stomach. He lifted it to his lips and gently kissed her knuckles.

Hermione hummed and gave him a seductively challenging smirk. "Show me what you know then, Muggle man."

Draco chuckled low in his throat. "If you'd have called me that two months ago, I'd probably have hexed you," he said, bowing his head over her hand again to kiss her wrist.

"You could have tried," Hermione grinned as he proceeded to pepper a line of kisses up her arm. When he reached her shoulder, he lowered her hand and brought his up to lift her hair. He pressed his face into the crook of her neck and ghosted his lips over her pulse point.

"How am I doing?" he breathed out when he felt her shiver in delight.

"Keep going," she said. Draco let his hands move from her hair to caress the skin of her neck, shoulders and then back on their way to unclasp her bra. Hermione let him tug the undergarment down her arms and then moved back on the mattress to lie back as he chucked the bra aside and stood.

"You're fucking gorgeous, you know that?" Draco said, gazing down at her lustfully as he tugged off his pants.

Hermione didn't say anything in response, but smiled up at him and then sucked in a breath when he, in one swift motion, got onto the bed and grabbed the sides of her knickers to pull them down her legs. He chuckled at the keening noise she made when he crawled over her and lowered his face to her chest.

"You make the best noises," he said, his lips still brushing over one nipple when she whimpered. She reached down to take him in hand and grinned when a moan escaped him.

"You do too," she replied. Draco smiled as she continued to squeeze him and then lowered his mouth back over her breast.

"You alright, princess?" he whispered, pulling back when he felt her shiver again.

"I'm ready when you are," she suddenly announced. Draco lifted his head to look up at her flushed face.

"We've barely started?"

"No…no more foreplay," she panted. Draco chuckled at her eagerness and quickly moved to position himself between her legs but stopped when Hermione firmly set a hand to his chest.

"Hold on a moment, dearest," she grinned, "step two: you have to cover your cock."

Draco's head drooped with an unhappy groan. "Damn. I was really hoping you'd forget."

Hermione gave him a rather serious look. "When Muggles forget they can end up with unwanted pregnancies or incurable diseases. This is important for them."

He appeared to contemplate her words and then pushed back to sit on his heels between her legs.

"Give me the thing," he said, holding out his hand. Hermione rolled her torso slightly to reach for the condom box. She dumped out the remaining two condoms and handed one to him. He took it, carefully tore it open, and then looked apprehensive again.

"I, uh...how do I go about this exactly?" he asked, looking down uneasily between the rolled condom in his left hand and his erection gripped in his right.

Hermione propped herself up on her elbows to see him better. "Pull back the foreskin, set the condom on the tip, roll it down, and then make sure there are no air bubbles. Oh...but make sure to leave a little room at the top for the ejaculate."

Draco stroked himself lightly to keep hard but stared back at her as if she'd answered in a foreign tongue. She rolled her eyes and sat up all the way.

"Honestly, it's really not that difficult," she rebuked, picking up the discarded condom box from the nightstand. She carefully tore it open to reveal a set of rudimentary drawings on the inside. "Here, there're instructions."

"This is preposterous," he complained, eyeing the crude depictions with contempt.

"Just... put it on and I'll be right back. As I'm thinking about this, I imagine we'll need tissues," Hermione said.

Draco stared at her as she got up and bounded out the door. "Tissues?" he mumbled disconcertedly. He shook his head and then turned his attention to the condom and then the box. "Instructions," he said with a disdainful scowl, ignoring the box, and gripped the condom in both hands to pull it from either side. He stretched it wide and started to bring it down over himself just as Hermione walked back in the room.

She took one look at what he was doing and dropped the box of tissues in her hands. "Not like that!"

Startled, Draco shot his head up to look at her and let go of the condom, causing it to immediately snap back to its original size like a rubberband around his penis. The crack of the latex meeting his skin was loud enough for Hermione to hear across the room and her hands flew to her mouth in shock as Draco let out a yelping screech and fell over.

"Oh! It killed him!" he wailed, cupping his crotch as he rolled back and forth on his back on the bed like an overturned turtle. "It killed him!"

Hermione rushed to the bedside. "It did not kill him," she said surely, kneeling up on the mattress next to him. "Let me see."

She pulled at Draco's hands to move them to assess the situation, but he hissed at her and shrunk in on himself.

"Don't! It hurts!" he cried.

Hermione sighed. "You always were dramatic with injuries."

Draco stopped rolling and cast her an annoyed glare. "I am not dramatic. This is serious!"

"Then let me see how bad it is so we can fix it," Hermione said sternly, tugging at his hands again. Draco reluctantly complied and brought his hands up to his scalp to grip at his hair and stare up at the ceiling as Hermione gently peeled the condom off the tip of him.

"Aaahh!" Draco hollered obnoxiously. Hermione tossed the condom aside and rolled her eyes at his theatrics.

"Stop being a baby."

"I'm not!" he snapped back in a strained voice. "Just tell me...how bad is it!?"

Hermione looked down at him to see him completely unharmed but for a faint pink welt ringing the top of him.

"Oh, dear gods," she said in an urgent voice, biting back a grin.

"What!?" came Draco's completely panicked reply, his eyes scrunched tight. "Is it bad!? Do I need a Healer!?"

"It's exactly the same as it was," Hermione said running a finger lightly along his softened length.

Draco snapped his eyes open. "What?"

"You're fine," she assured. "There's barely a mark."

Draco sat up and looked down to inspect himself. He flushed pink at the obvious realization that he'd overreacted and crossed his arms with a harrumph as Hermione giggled.

"It's not funny," he pouted at her. "It really hurt."

Hermione stopped giggling and schooched closer to him on the bed. "I'm sorry it hurt," she offered, reaching down to cradle his cock in her hand. "Perhaps next time you'll read the instructions."

"Perhaps next time you won't leave me alone with this Muggle crap," Draco said with petulant childishness.

"You're right," Hermione cooed back, rubbing him ever so slightly. "What can I do to make it better?"

Draco glanced down to watch the way he was starting to stiffen again at her touch and a sly smirk tugged at the side of his mouth. "I think you should kiss it and make it better," he said.

She rose a brow at him. "Kissing it will make it all better?"

"It's a start," he shrugged. Hermione smiled and bent over to place a soft kiss to the tip and Draco sucked in a breath.

"There," she announced, sitting up, "all better."

"Tease," he said. She merely continued to smile as she reached for the last condom on the nightstand.

"Shall I?" she offered.

Draco glared at the foil square but let out a huff. "Yeah, fine, get on with it," he relented.

Hermione quickly opened the condom and tossed the wrapper aside. "You're sure?" she confirmed once more. When he nodded, she took hold of him again. Draco's eyes were wide as he looked down at her.

"Skin back," she said in a tutorial tone, performing the motion, "condom on top. Roooooll down." She drew out the word 'roll' as she did so.

"I can't tell which emotion is stronger," Draco pondered out loud as Hermione began squeezing up and down his length to make sure the condom was fitting, "humiliation or the desire for you to keep doing what you're doing."

Hermione laughed lightly and nodded proudly at her work. "You are now ready for Muggle sex," she announced, placing her hands on her hips.

Draco shook his head. "I feel ridiculous."

"You shouldn't," she said. "It's not that bad,"

He looked pitifully down at himself. "Yes, it is. He's gonna suffocate in this thing. This is awful, this is degrading, this is - oookaaay…" he said with a strangled moan when she reached forward and wrapped her fingers around him and began to pump.

Hermione bit her bottom lip in triumph as she watched his eyelids droop with the pleasure of her motions. "You were saying?" she asked smugly.

"No more foreplay," he repeated her words from earlier before all but tackling her backwards. Hermione giggled as Draco lowered himself over her but then stopped when he abruptly paused and looked unsure again.

"What's wrong now?" she asked him.

Draco's brow furrowed slightly as he looked down between them. "Do I, uh…do I just…go in, then?"

Hermione smiled and pulled his face down to plant a kiss to his lips. "Yes," she answered warmly, releasing his head, "step three of Muggle sex: engage in intercourse."

He gave her a slightly dopey grin and then proceeded to begin step three. "Wow," he said as he seated himself slowly.

"What?' Hermione said around a satisfied moan at the feel of him.

"It…it still feels good," he answered, withdrawing and then plunging back in.

Hermione simply answered with a muffled 'mm-hmm' and gripped her fingers into his back as he picked up the pace. When they finished thirty minutes and two positions later, Draco flopped onto his back beside her and blinked at the ceiling as he puffed for breath.

"That was fun," he panted.

Hermione hummed in agreement and rolled over to kiss him on the cheek. "So…your thoughts on doing it Muggle-style?"

"I think this is one aspect of Muggle life I'd prefer to forgo in the future." He looked at her. "I suddenly have a new appreciation for contraceptive charms."

Hermione laughed and kissed him again. "Wizard sex from now on, it is."

"Indeed," he agreed, turning his attention down to his groin. "How do I get this thing off me?"

"Just pull it off," she replied, sitting up as he did and reached for the tissue box.

"Astoria is out of her fucking mind if she prefers this shit," Draco pulled a repulsed face as he slipped the condom free of himself with a shudder and looked around for what to do with it. "This is disgusting."

He deposited the used prophylactic in the tissue that Hermione held out to him and then snagged another tissue from the box she'd set beside them to wipe himself clean. The thin paper stuck to him and ripped.

"Oh, for the love of…where the hell is my wand!?" Draco shouted impatiently, giving up his brief attempt at picking off the clinging bits of tissue. Hermione shook her head at the display as she got up to go to the rubbish bin.

"It's in the drawer of the nightstand," she called over her shoulder. Draco reached over and retrieved his wand at once and spelled himself clean with a sigh of relief.

"No more Muggle sex," he announced firmly. Hermione came back to the bed and sat beside him. Her chocolate eyes roamed affectionately over his face as she brushed his sweaty fringe from his forehead.

"What?" he inquired when she simply kept staring.

"Nothing," she said softly, "I'm just…I'm proud of you."

Draco smiled back. "I'm glad," he said, "but I'm never doing that again."