No sympathy for you
I'm sorry for everything
Oh everything I've done
From the second that I was born
It seems I had a loaded gun
And then I shot, shot, shot a hole through
Everything I loved
Oh I shot, shot, shot a hole through every single
Thing that I loved
Am I out of luck?
Am I waiting to break?
When I keep saying that I'm looking for a
Way to escape
Oh I'm wishing I had what I'd taken for granted
I can't help you when I'm only gonna do
Prologue: Set in the episode Sympathy for the Devil (5x01). Little AU. Bobby wasn't possessed when he said those hurtful words to Sam. He didn't go to the library. Sam heard what Bobby said, and well, he decided to do what his father ordered Dean to do. He had to save the world, but from him. Dean and Bobby to the rescue.
Warning: Some dialogues were changed.
"I never would have guessed that your dad was right about your brother"
"What John said, about saving Sam, or killing him if you couldn't. Maybe, we shouldn't have tried so hard to save him. Look what he's done"
"Bobby. Stop. I don't wanna talk about him right now"
"We didn't have the strength to stop him, because we loved him too much. We should have done something. Now we're gonna die, and the Devil will laugh at our faces"
"Like what. What are you trying to say? That I should have killed him when I had the chance? Even if Sam's changed and betrayed me, I can't kill him. When he released the Devil, all that I wanted was to kick his ass. If I talk to him, I'm afraid that the rage that I have inside me will blind me and I'll kill him. If he wasn't my brother, believe me, I would have put a bullet on him already"
Sam had heard it all. He had nothing to say to them. He had no way to show how sorry he was, or how much he wished things could have been different.
He trusted a demon, and it changed him. He knew he became darker and darker every day that he had been with her, but at the time, he felt so strong that he didn't care. He should have known that exorcising demons with his mind, drinking that blood, or lying to his brother was a bad idea. Dean was right. He had been like a drug addict, but the difference between a normal one and him, was that he started the end of the world, and now every single person on this planet was gonna suffer because of his stupidity.
When he heard Bobby saying that he wanted him to lose his number, or what he said to Dean when he "was gone", he knew that even if it hurt, John had been right to say that.
Two or three years ago, he was a simple kid, just hunting demons and saving people. He hadn't understand why John said what he said, but now he did.
Sam knew that even if Dean could go back, he wouldn't kill him. Call it habit or whatever, but he knew that Dean was told to keep Sam safe no matter what. He did a great job, and he was sure that if he'd get shot right now, Dean would patch him up and later keep doing the same silence treatment.
He was a monster. He was evil. He had had a family that loved him, and would have gave everything for him. But he ruined the relationship that that he had with them, and now it was too late to fix things. Hell, they had even locked him in the panic room to save him from becoming what he became! They had done everything that they could, but the evil part inside him had won. He was now another monster that he used to hunt.
Sam was sure that John would have killed him without mercy. And that is what should have happened when Dean came back from hell.
Dean and Bobby wouldn't kill him. The task was too big, even for them.
Suddenly, an "stupid idea" (that's how Dean would have called it), came to his mind. If they couldn't kill him, he would kill himself.
But first, he was gonna have a last drink at some bar, maybe play some pool. He had to say goodbye to the world.
Live his last days away from everything he had known.
Dean and Bobby were going to be good without him. He knew that.
He walked for fifteen minutes before a bar called "Welcome to Hell" appeared. He drank tequila, plus beer, and just like he wanted, played pool and earned some money. The guy that lost punched him and kicked his stomach and ribs. He heard how one of his ribs broke, bit he didn't care. He got up slowly and got out of the bar, renting a motel with the credit card that he took before going out of the room that he shared with his brother. He waited until his mind would be clearer, and decided that it was the perfect time to do his plan.
Taking a piece of paper, started writing the letter to his family.
Dear Bobby and Dean:
If you're reading this is because I am dead, or I am about to be. I heard the conversation that you two had when I left. I know that a simple and pathetic "I'm sorry" won't fix anything. I can't even say how guilty and condemned I feel right now. You were right saying every single word, because I deserve them. I deserve even worse things, and you know that.
I can't fix my mistake. I guess that the world will end bloody, and that's it, right?
You should have killed me while I was in the panic room, because I am dangerous. I am even worse than the monsters that we hunt. I could have chosen the right path, but instead I decided to ignore the warning signs, not looking where I was going. If you won't be able to forgive me, it's ok. I understand. I know that all that what I've done can't be forgiven. Not even God would be able to forgive me. If I go to hell, I will be happy. Suffering forever will be a pleasure considering all the bad things I have done, all the sins I have and will have to pay for.
Maybe killing myself will finally let you feel free, Dean. You've been looking after me since I was a kid, and I let you down when I left for Stanford, or when I ran to Flagstaff and dad got mad at you. I could write a list with all of my mistakes, and it'd be infinite.
Even if I betrayed you and made mistakes, by the time, I thought that I was doing the right thing. I thought that I was going to stop the apocalypse and be the hero to your eyes. I was wrong, and I should have seen that.
Anyways, now I have to go. I'll get out of town and away from you. You won't find me in time. Maybe if you want can salt and burn my body if you find it. Or you can trash it underground with no mercy. Maybe I am escaping from all of this, or maybe I am doing for the first time in a while one good thing.
I know that I've said this already, but I'm sorry. I hope that this gives you peace of mind. You are the best brother that I could have ever asked for. You gave up your childhood to take care of me. You became a man too young because of me. If I hadn't been born, I am sure that you would have had a nice life with dad and mom. I took everything from you, and I'm sorry for that too. I love you Dean. I know that I'm not used to say that. But I really do.
Bobby, I love you too. You are my second father, and you've been always there for us. I let you down, and now I am doing what I have to do. You'd be proud of me, and so would be dad. I will save you from my presence, my cursed life that ended up affecting you guys and the rest of the world.
I will send you some money along with this card that I earned playing pool just like you, Dean, teached me. At least I wanna help you a little with something I can do good before I go.
I LOVE YOU BOTH. THANK YOU FOR EVERYTHING.
He put the card and the money inside a envelope and went to the post service. The card would come to the motel that his family were in just in time for him to go and kill himself. For the first time in days, a broken but little smile appeared on his face. He left the room, fist checking that his gun was coming along with him. He wasn't going to steal a car, because it'd be easier for Dean to find him and stop him (he probably wouldn't, even if he could). He left town with a hand against his stomach and ribs, and the other one wiping the tears on his face.
Author's note: I HOPE YOU LIKE IT. THIS CAME TO MY MIND AND I DECIDED THAT I HAD TO WRITE IT. IF YOU LIKE IT, PLEASE LEAVE A REVIEW!