Ain't No Cure for the Cervitaur Blues
A Gravity Falls Fanfic
by Krista Perry
I own nothing.


Languishing in prison after being thwarted in the Gravity Falls Mayoral Election, Gideon is angry and desperate. He wants power, he wants Mabel, and he'll make a deal with Bill to get both. But when Dipper ruins both Gideon's and Bill's long-term plans, they make another deal together. Bill wants his Weirdmageddon. Gideon just wants Dipper to suffer. Inspired by Monster Falls AU.

Chapter One:
In Which Gideon Decides to Join the Ranks of the Undead, and Fate Has an Unexpected Hiccup

She was old. Older than any other tree as far as she could feel, and her roots ran deep and long. She was older than any tree in her forest, older than the giant redwoods and great sequoias; older than the twisted bristlecone pines far to the south. Those living in her forest called her Mother. Her place was on the bleeding, rippling edge of the veil between the human world and another, and she guarded it well.

She kept watch, for she knew the twisting strands of destiny. She knew that a war was approaching, too close to her home for comfort. A war between a one-eyed demon from a warped realm of madness, and the humans. She knew that a select few of these humans would defy and thwart the demon in his plans, that the threat of eternal nightmares would be stayed and balance would be restored. So she warned her daughters: the day of the war was almost upon them. Stay away, she said, and do not fear, for this war will pass and not harm you. We are beyond its borders.

But then, to her surprise – and it had been such a long time since she had been surprised – something… shifted. A choice was made that was not foreseen. One small, simple choice, and the repercussions rippled wildly through the world, and suddenly the future was not the one she had been expecting for millennia.

Deep in the brightly-lit bowels of the Gravity Falls Maximum Security Prison, Ghost Eyes looked up from braiding his friendship bracelet as Lil Gideon entered the room, scowling dark as a thundercloud. He knew something had to be really wrong for the kid to seek out his company instead of going to the finger painting class he'd wanted to attend.

Gideon sat down next to him, glaring silently at the table before reaching out and grabbing one of the friendship bracelet starter kits. Ghost Eyes watched Gideon carefully as the kid began to braid, before clearing his throat.

Gideon didn't look at him, still braiding, his brow wrinkled in agitation.

Ghost Eyes tried again. "I'm sorry the election thing didn't work out for you, bro. But if it makes you feel any better, we're gonna throw a riot tonight." He paused, grinning. "Does someone wanna throw a riot?" Gideon always loved the riots. Sometimes he would sit on Ghost Eye's shoulder and shout directions on who he should attack next, and just how to inflict violence. Good times.

Gideon sighed. "Thanks, Ghost Eyes, I'm just not in the mood."

Wow, Ghost Eyes thought. Gideon, passing up on a riot? He was really upset about that election.

He wished he knew how to help the little guy. After being chosen to be his best prison buddy – a tremendous honor, and everyone knew it – Ghost Eyes knew it was his obligation, his very duty, to make sure Gideon was as happy as possible in this dreadful hell hole of a prison.

Later that evening, after the riot had been neatly wrapped up before lights-out as usual, Ghost Eyes was taking a short cut to his cell through the library, when a book caught his eye. On the cover, two hands holding out a perfect, ripe orange. He liked oranges. After staring at it for a moment… he made a choice.

He picked it up, and headed back to the cell he shared with Lil Gideon.

"Hey, Gideon."

Gideon suppressed a sigh as Ghost Eyes spoke from his bed on the other side of the room. He was not in the mood to talk. He had been hoping that when the freaky glowy-eyed man returned from the riot, he would just snuggle up to his pillow-wife and fall asleep. Alas, it was apparently not to be. "What is it, Ghost Eyes?"

The man held up, of all things, a book. "Want me to read you a bedtime story?"

Gideon blinked. Well, that was new. Against his better judgement, his curiosity got the best of him. "You want to read to me?"

"Sure," Ghost Eyes said. "Take your mind off things for a while."

Gideon glanced over at the cat poster that hung on the wall near his bed. Hold On To That Branch Or Die, Cat! He frowned in contemplation as he thought about the near-complete summoning circle hiding behind it. "I don't know," he said slowly. "What's it about?"

There was sudden enthusiasm in Ghost Eye's voice. "It's called, The Light From the Sky Between Sunset and Full Night," he said. "It's about this girl named Belle who moves to a new town in the Pacific Northwest, and she meets this guy, Edwin. At first, she can't stand to be near him, but then she finds out that he's actually a vampire, and she falls in love with him."

Gideon pushed himself up on his elbows. "What?" he said. "That doesn't make any sense! Why would she fall in love with him if he's a vampire?"

Ghost Eyes shrugged a little. "I heard that girls find vampires sexy these days. This book seems to back that up."

Gideon blinked, his scowl smoothing, a strange light sparking in his eyes. A girl, new in a Pacific Northwest town, hating a guy before…

"You don't say," he said, and he sank back down onto his bed, staring at the ceiling, his hands folded behind his head. He looked over at the cat poster again and smiled. "By all means, Ghost Eyes. Read me a story."

Mother pondered, and watched for a while as the new threads of destiny settled in to place. She found herself surprised again as she saw her place within it. Not a silent observer, but an active participant. How strange.

And no time to waste. Quickly, she sent out a silent summons to her daughters. Soon, the whispering footfalls of wood nymphs and sprites filled her glade. When her daughters were all accounted for, she stepped from the living embrace of her tree body and stood before them. They gazed at her expectantly.

"I have summoned you today to inform you that the war between demons and humans, which we have been expecting for a long while, will not be happening. The threads of destiny have been changed."

Somewhere near the back of the group before her, a fist raised and a rowdy voice called out, "Today, we are cancelling the apocalypse!"

It was Alejandra, of course. Mother tried not to smile as the youngling's grove sister punched her in the shoulder, hissing at her to be quiet.

"Indeed," she said, not quite succeeding at complete stoicism. "So worry not, daughters. The feared upsetting of the balance will not come to pass." She tipped her head. "That is all, my dears. You may go about your business." As the assemblage began to disperse, she added, "Except for you, Alejandra."

The young dryad froze in her tracks, turning slowly to face Mother as her sisters quickly vanished into the surrounding forest. The grove sister who had punched her shoulder, Dysis, muttered, "Busted," and looked to be about to sprint off, when Alejandra grabbed her arm and dragged her forward with her as she approached. Her grip was strong, and though Dysis struggled, she couldn't escape before they were both standing before Mother. Quickly trying to recover some decorum, Dysis stilled before bowing. With a smirk, Alejandra released her arm before bowing as well.

"Alejandra," Mother said. "Dysis. Thank you for staying."

The girls raised their heads. Alejandra was smiling sheepishly.

"I asked you to stay," she said, looking at Alejandra," because I need you for an errand to a human abode."

The girl straightened abruptly, her sheepish smile turning into a full-blown grin. Out of all her daughters, no one knew humans, or could seamlessly blend in with them, like Alejandra.

"Sure thing," she said. "Where am I going, and what do I need to do?"

"You will go to Gravity Falls—"

"Gravity Falls?" Dysis interrupted in surprise. Apparently so relieved that they weren't in trouble, she forgot herself. "Isn't that place infested with gnomes? And… unicorns?"

Alejandra grimaced. "On second thought, let's not go to Gravity Falls. 'Tis a silly place."

Dysis groaned and turned on her grove sister. "I swear on all that is green and growing, if you start speaking in movie quotes again, I will have the earth swallow up your entire DVD collection."

Alejandra shrugged. "Eh, was planning on going Blu-Ray anyway."

Mother cleared her throat gently, and the violence sparking in Dysis' eyes vanished as the girls straightened to face her again.

"As I was saying," she continued, smiling in amusement, "Alejandra, you will go to Gravity Falls. There is a boy there, and shortly he will be in dire need of our aid. I want you to find him and bring him to me."

"A boy?" Alejandra said, perking up. "Is he cute?"

"He's twelve," Mother answered, and Alejandra's face fell.

"Okay," she said, sighing. "So, just a kid then. How will I find him?"

"You will know him by his human spirit."

Alejandra scowled. "Which will set him apart from all the other humans with human spirits, how exactly?"

Mother laughed a little. "You will know him when you find him."

"And that's not at all cryptic and mysterious," Alejandra said, rolling her eyes.

Oh yes, she would blend right in when she got to Gravity Falls, Mother thought with satisfaction. So far, so good.

"Go," she said. "Time is short."

"Of course it is," Alejandra muttered, before turning and running off in the direction of Gravity Falls.

Dysis called after her. "Bring me a souvenir!"

"Not a chance!" Alejandra called back.

Mother laughed, shook her head fondly, and silently slipped back into her tree.

Gideon waited until Ghost Eyes was snoring like a buzz saw before he finally approached the cat poster and removed it from the wall, revealing Bill Cypher's summoning circle. "I'm finally ready to make a deal," he said, drawing the missing eye on the center pyramid.

Light flared, and Bill manifested, his triangle shape cutting into reality and forcing all life and color to bleed away. Gideon fought the urge to shrink away as Bill circled him, eye fixed on him intently. "Well, if it isn't Gideon Gleeful, my old friend!" Bill said. His voice was cheerful and manic. "What can I do for you? Bring you a skinned dog? Torture your prison buddies? Rain fire and death on the warden?"

"No, none of that," Gideon snapped. He was playing it cool and confident, but inside he was shaking. "I- I want to make a deal."

"Well, obviously," Bill said, rolling his eye. "But are you sure? Our last deal kind of went south and that made me…" He suddenly grew in size, filling the cell from ceiling to floor as his gold turned to red, and his eye turned black. "Very unhappy," he finished in a deep, demonic voice.

Gideon couldn't help it. He cowered. "I- I'm sure!" he said. "Positive! A-and this time, there's no chance anything can go wrong!"

Bill immediately shrank back down to normal. "Really," he said. "Okay, lay it on me, kid."

Gideon straightened slowly. "I… I want you to turn me into a vampire."

If his request surprised Bill, the demon didn't show it. "That's easy enough," he replied, waving one black noodle hand nonchalantly. "Might even make you more useful. And in exchange, you owe me a favor. Deal?" He reached out his other hand, wreathed in blue flame.

So, the same price as last time. Gideon steeled himself, and took the offered hand. "Deal," he agreed.

Ford had finally come to the conclusion that his recently-discovered family, the twin grandchildren of his big brother Shermie, were actually… pretty amazing.

It had taken him a while to realize this, what with him being busy in his basement lab disassembling the universal portal that his twin Stanley had so foolishly repaired and activated. He was happy to know that he had a great-niece and nephew – it was good to know that at least one of the Pines siblings hadn't completely screwed up his life.

Establishing a relationship with them, however, had been… difficult. He wasn't used to children. He wasn't even used to the concept that he was finally back in his home dimension after thirty years. Mabel was sweet; her instant acceptance of his six-fingered hands was nice, but she was so random and chaotic, it was difficult to understand how her mind worked. (Not so difficult to understand was why she got along so well with Stanley.)

Dipper was another conundrum all together. When they had first met, Ford had the impression that the boy was anxious, sweaty, possibly suffering from mild hysteria, and completely obsessed with his journals and the fact that he was, as Dipper put it, The Author. Ford could practically hear the capital letters when he said it. It was disconcerting.

Now… well, all of that was still true. But when he had started playing Dungeons, Dungeons & More Dungeons with the boy, he discovered that behind all that anxious sweatiness was a keen and brilliant mind. Ford had nearly been rendered speechless the first time he observed Dipper accurately run a complex calculation in his head without needing to write it out, during his epic battle with Lethonial the Lying Lich. And then, reading through his third journal after so many years and finding Dipper's additions and observations, all of which were amazingly astute, he understood how wrong he had been to ever talk down to the boy as though he were an ignorant child. That was when he realized that his great-nephew was a true kindred spirit.

So he had told Dipper about the rift. If anyone would understand the danger it posed to their world, he knew Dipper would.

And then Bill Cypher had returned. Worse, when Ford called a family meeting to warn the children, he discovered that they already knew him. Dipper had even been possessed by the demon at one point. So while Mabel and some local girls went on their hopeless quest for unicorn hair, he had taken steps to protect Dipper's mind.

That had backfired spectacularly when Dipper's curiosity about Ford's former connection with Bill got the better of him. But now the boy knew the truth – and once again, he had underestimated Dipper's ability to handle it. Now there could be no more secrets between them.

And better yet, while he and Dipper had been commiserating over their mutual disastrous encounters with Bill, Mabel and her friends returned, battered, covered with unicorn blood and tears, and bearing fists full of unicorn hair. It was hard to deny then that, though it was often difficult for him to understand how her mind worked, Mabel was just as amazing as Dipper in her own way.

So Ford had placed moonstones throughout the Shack, sprinkled mercury in places where someone wouldn't accidentally come in contact with it and get poisoned, and now he and Dipper were working in the early morning hours, carefully gluing unicorn hair to the outside of the Shack. When they were done, the Shack would be completely Bill-proof, and his family would have a haven safe from that diabolical demon.

It was a painstakingly difficult job. They were a little more than halfway through when the sun had fully risen, and Mabel came barreling out the back door at top speed. "Hey, bro-bro! Grunkle Ford!" She paused as she looked at them, taking in their disheveled appearances.

Dipper waved a hand that was encrusted with glue and stray rainbow strands of unicorn hair. "Hey, Mabel."

Mabel walked up to them, frowning. "Have you two been out here doing this all night?"

"Of course," Ford answered. "Time is of the essence!"

"Sleep is also of the essence," Mabel responded, looking critically at her brother. The shadows under his eyes were more pronounced than usual, Ford realized.

Dipper laughed a little. "Don't worry, Mabel, we'll sleep when we're done here. Right, Great Uncle Ford?"

Sleep was the farthest thing from Ford's mind, but he saw the look in Mabel's eye. "Sleep. Yes. That thing you're supposed to do when you're tired. We will definitely sleep when we are done."

Mabel eyed him skeptically, and looked like she was about to say something, when the red-headed cashier girl walked around the corner of the Shack. Her left eye was still swollen and bruised from the unicorn battle the day before, but she seemed in an upbeat mood.

"There you are," she said. "You ready to go, Mabel?"

Dipper straightened. "Hey, Wendy. Where are you guys going?"

Mabel flashed a blinding grin – literally. The morning sun glanced off her braces and into Ford's eyes. He adjusted his position as Mabel leaned over Dipper conspiratorially. "It's a secret," she whispered loudly.

Dipper frowned, and looked at… Wendy, was it? "A secret?"

Mabel giggled. "Somebody's birthday is coming up," she said in a sing-song voice.

Dipper blinked. "Who?"

Mabel shoved Dipper and he toppled over into the dirt. "Ours, dum-dum!" she crowed cheerfully. "Wendy's taking me in to town to go looking for a present for a certain twin brother of mine!"

Dipper stood up and attempted to brush the dirt off his shorts, but only succeeded in adding glue and unicorn hair to the mix. "Our birthday, of course," he said, grinning, as Wendy muttered, "Well, that secret didn't last long."

Ford looked at the twins, surprised and a bit unsettled as he realized he had no idea when their birthday was.

"Well, have fun," Dipper said, "and let's try not to have a repeat of—

"—our ninth birthday." Mabel finished his sentence with him. "Don't worry, Dip-dop, I'm pretty sure they don't sell tarantulas at the pet store." She and Wendy laughed as they walked off toward the town.

"Tarantulas?" Ford asked, raising an eyebrow at Dipper.

"I'm not afraid of spiders," Dipper insisted quickly, though Ford hadn't been thinking that direction. Who gives a tarantula to someone for their birthday? Well, his great niece, apparently. Dipper laughed uncomfortably. "She just… she got one with urticating hair. I had a rash on my hands and arms for weeks."

"Ah." Ford smiled. It figured that Dipper could use the word urticating in a sentence. "Well, let's get back to work, shall we?"

Dipper nodded, and immediately knelt, picking up the glue bottle.

"Incidentally," Ford said, handing Dipper a strand of unicorn hair after he had laid down a straight trail of glue, "when is your birthday?"

"August 31st," Dipper said. "Man, I can't wait. Finally, I'll be technically a teen."

That was an odd turn of phrase, Ford thought. "Hm," he said. "That's about a week and a half away."

"Yup," Dipper agreed, then he frowned a little. "Mabel and I will be going back to Piedmont that afternoon." He carefully set the unicorn hair in the glue line, then held out his hand for another.

Ford blinked as he gave Dipper another strand of shimmering hair. He hadn't realized that summer was coming to an end so quickly. And with the end of summer, he would lose Dipper's company.

He needed to think about this.

"Who says you can't have pizza for breakfast?" Mabel said, her mouth half full of one everything-on-it-except-the-little-fishies slice. It was a glorious morning, the sky was blue, the sun was shining, and she was pumped and ready to take on the day.

"I am pretty sure I have never said that in my whole life," Wendy said, before taking a bite out of her own slice.

They were walking down the street toward the mall, away from Pete's Pizza, which was only open this early because Sheriff Blubs liked pizza for breakfast too.

Wendy chewed and swallowed. "So, what do you think Dipper wants for his birthday?"

"Oh, he'd like anything I got him, just on principle," Mabel said, "but this year… well, it's different. We've had this amazing summer, and we're turning thirteen… I want to get him something special."

"Like what?"

"That's the problem," Mabel wailed, turning to Wendy. "I don't know! You gotta help me, Wendy."

"That's easy," Wendy said. "Just get him something that will remind him of his time here in Gravity Falls with you."

"Yes, but which time? We've done so many things this summer!" She started counting off on her fingers. "Fight off gnomes, battle unicorns, zombies, dinosaurs, an alien shape-changer, Bill… We got Gideon sent to prison, freed a boy band into the wild, escaped a giant floating head that was trying to eat us…"

"I see your problem," Wendy said. "Well, let's just wander around the mall and see if anything catches your eye."

Mabel sighed. "Okay, let me just finish off my piz-"

"Well, well!" said a disturbingly familiar voice behind her, cutting her off, and Mable turned around so fast, she almost got dizzy.

"Gideon!" she said, before she could help herself, for it was indeed the short, pudgy, ten-year-old bane of her existence. She was about to ask what he was doing out of prison when several other things came to the forefront of her attention.

Gideon was holding a huge black umbrella in one hand, keeping him fully engulfed in shadow, but that did nothing to conceal the fact that his immaculate blue suit was completely covered in sparkly sequins. His skin was a dead-looking grayish-blue color. His irises were no longer blue, but bright yellow, ringed with red. And then, of course, there were the fangs.

"Gideon," she said, confused and horrified. "You.. you…"

"Dude," said Wendy, "since when are you a vampire?"

Trust Wendy to cut right to the chase. "Yeah," Mabel said, struggling to regain her bearings. "Since when?"

"Alas," said Gideon, putting his free hand to his chest dramatically. "It is a tragic tale." He looked up at Mabel and smiled, glinting fangs making him even more off-putting than usual. "One I would be happy to share with you over dinner tonight."

Mabel snorted as her confusion did a quick burn into anger as she realized what this was all about. "Yeah, right," she said. "I am not going to dinner with you, Gideon, not now, not ever! Especially now that you'd probably want to drink my blood! Ew!"

"This is so wrong," Wendy said, her expression completely flat. "So wrong, on so many levels."

Gideon scowled briefly, before quickly schooling his expression. "But Mabel, my marshmallow. Just give me a chance." He knelt on one knee as he reached into his blazer pocket with one hand, then pulled out a small ring box.

"You have got to be kidding me," Mabel said.

Gideon ignored her, fumbling with the ring box as he struggled to open it with one hand. "Hang on," he said, grunting. "Almost got it… ah, there!" He looked up at her and held out the box. The diamond on the ring was impressively huge, and all it did was increase her rage. "Mabel," he said, "as you can see, I am a vampire now. Have dinner with me tonight, and I will make you my immortal que—AhhHHH!" His speech came to an abrupt halt as his outstretched hand left the safety of the umbrella's shade and burst into flame.

As Gideon frantically tried to put out his hand by patting it down against his sparkle suit, Wendy heaved a sigh. "Because nothing says 'romance' like the stench of charred flesh," she said.

"I can't believe this," Mabel said. "Yesterday ruined unicorns for me, today ruined vampires! You ruined vampires for me, Gideon!"

Gideon finished patting out the flames on his burning hand – "Ah, ah, hot-hot-hot!" – and then looked up, his gaze locking with Mabel's own. "Did I, now?" he said, strangely unperturbed.

His yellow eyes seemed to suddenly swirl, and Mabel felt her angry expression go slack. "Come on, Mabel. Agree to go to dinner with me."

"Agree…" she said slowly, and then she felt a sudden pinch on her arm. Startled, she looked up at Wendy. Wendy just gave her a look, as if silently saying, "Dude."

Mabel's eyes widened, and she turned on Gideon again, this time carefully avoiding his eyes. "Did you just try to hypnotize me?" she yelled. Gideon actually took a hesitant step back in the face of her fury, but she stepped right after her him. "You big JERK!" And with that, she took what remained of her pizza slice and shoved it right into his face.

She wasn't sure what she was expecting, but it wasn't for Gideon to stagger back and start howling in pain as he clawed the pizza off his face.

Mabel blinked, and looked at Wendy. "Are… vampires weak against pizza?" she asked.

Wendy shrugged. "I've heard they're weak against garlic."

"That's a lie!" Gideon said, gasping as he continued to wipe the pizza off his face. His skin seemed to be steaming a little. "All the vampire stories these days say that's nothing but a myth! It's too stupid for a vampire to be weak against garlic!"

"It might be stupid," Wendy said, her mouth turning up in a smirk, "but apparently modern vampire stories aren't very accurate. Who knew?"

Mabel raised a hand and pointed at Gideon. "Now, you listen to me," she said. "You are going to leave me alone and never come back. Wendy and I beat up a bunch of crazed unicorns just yesterday, and we're not afraid to take on the Widdlest Wampire!"

Gideon glared at her through the tomato sauce staining his face. It looked a little too much like blood for Mabel's liking. "You just wait, Mabel Pines," he said, holding tight to his umbrella and backing into the shadows of a nearby alley. "You will be my queen, I promise you that."

Wendy pulled her hatchet from her belt. Gideon's eyes widened in panic, and he quickly disappeared.

Mabel didn't even want to look down the alley to see if he was still there, lurking in the shadows somewhere. She sighed. "I think we need to go back to the Shack and tell the guys about this," she said.

Wendy nodded. "I think you're right."

A/N: "The Light From the Sky Between Sunset and Full Night" is the Merriam-Webster dictionary definition of the word "twilight."

Thanks for reading! Feedback makes my muse happy and helps me write. Sorry that there isn't a cervitaur in the first chapter of a fic with cervitaur in the title. Patience, it's coming. :) This fic is directly inspired by the Monster Falls AU. I want to tip my hat to the author of Deerper Falls, an excellent fic, and the one that got me into this fandom in the first place. If you haven't read it, you should. :)