AN: This is the story of how Voldemort prepared for the resurrection ritual for which Harry Potter was kidnapped from the Triwizard Tournament. It is absolute nonsense. But it explains, in detail, one of those things in the Potterverse that have baffled me since the publication of the Cursed Child: How Voldemort didn't care to give himself a nose, and yet still somehow remembered other body parts that enabled him to impregnate Bellatrix Lestrange. I just... If he remembered his dick, why not his nose? So I was talking to Ariel Riddle about this, and this little story came out of that. It's all her fault. She is the worst (and the best) of influences. Don't ever change, my dear!


"Wormtail!"

Wormtail shuddered when the rasping voice reached his ears. He still could not look at that… thing… that was his Master without gagging.

"Yes, my Lord!" He hurried towards the chair in which the… thing… resided. It was swaddled up like a baby, but instead of a rattle it held a wand. It was definitely the ugliest and most dangerous child-like creature he'd ever seen. He threw himself on the floor in front of the chair, both in a show of humility and an attempt not to look at the ugliest living being on the planet.

"We mussst discuss the ritual, Wormtail."

"The ritual, my Lord?"

"Yesss," the Voldemort-child hissed. "The ritual that will bring me back to my full power! The ritual that will give me a body!" The creature growled and coughed and nearly dropped its wand but managed to hold on to it. A spark of fire erupted from the tip and scorched Wormtail's robes. He flinched.

"My loyal ssservant at Hogwartsss will provide the blood of the enemy," Voldemort continued. "But we need more ingredientss, Wormtail. Ingredientsss tailored to create the body of the mosssst powerful wizard thisss Earth has ever known. Let's sssee."

"B-b-b-but, Master, I already know you need a b-b-b-b-bone from your father's grave, and flesh of your humble s-s-s-servant, which I willingly sacrifice."

"Yesss, Wormtail. But I must make sure my body is appropriate for my new ssstation in life! Hmmm. I mussst have hands and feet. So we ssshall add ground Giantsss' toenailsss to the Potion." Voldemort nodded decisively. "Twenty teassspoonssss, Wormtail. I need to make ssssure I have ten fingerssss and ten toessss."

The creature cocked its head and another spark erupted from the wand. It barely missed the chandelier and sputtered and died against the wall, leaving a scorch mark.

"And add two scoops of Runespoor venom, Wormtail. Then I shall be immune to poison." Voldemort laughed and Wormtail shuddered at the sound.

"And I need armssss and legsss. Much asss I love ssssnakessss, I cannot lead my Death Eaters if I have no human-like body. Make sssure you use my father'sss thigh bone, not hisss knee cap. Are you writing this all down, Wormtail?"

Wormtail shot up and frantically began to look for parchment and quill, trying to remember everything the Dark Lord had said so far.

"I ssshould be tall. Huge. Taller than the average wizard. Add a few drops of Essssence of Niffler'ssss Fancy. It is a very potent plant. Do you have all thissss, Wormtail? I sssshall not repeat myself." The creature seemed to frown at Wormtail, who tried to focus on his writing. Nagini was moving around the edges of the room and snapping at his feet. The Dark Lord insisted she was only being playful, but he didn't quite trust the snake.

"And add sssome Erumpent mussssk, Wormtail. I need a dick. A massssive, potent cock, the best cock, worthy of the most powerful wizard of all time. Yesss, Wormtail, I have decided I want an heir. I will not make the sssame misstakes I made all thosssse yearsss ago."

Wormtail's quill froze on the parchment.

"B-b-b-beg… beg your p-p-p-p-p-pardon, m-m-m-m-my Lord? You want what?"

The Dark Lord did his best impression of a glare - which, given his current posture - wasn't that effective. But his wand aim was still quite good, so Wormtail cowered in response anyway.

"I wasss quite handsssome before I almost died, wasss I not, Wormtail?" The voice was deceptively smooth.

"O-o-of course, my Lord," Wormtail stammered, trying very hard not to imagine what any progeny of the Dark Lord would look like as he stared at the ugly child-like creature.

"Then clearly I ssshould not deprive the world of the greatnesss of my genesss. I ssshall have an heir thisss time. Add the Erumpent musssk, Wormtail."

Wormtail dutifully wrote down the ingredient.

"But handssssome featuressss are not very frightening, are they, Wormtail? I ssshould not come back exactly the same way I looked before the… accident at Godric'sss Hollow. No… Maybe I sssshould do without the nose, Wormtail, that will terrify all who gaze upon me! Maybe I ssssshall asssk Nagini for an egg to add to the potion, and you can extract the ssssnake-like featuressss of the ssssnout. Did you get all that, Wormtail?"

Wormtail looked over the ingredients he had written down with a little trepidation.

"Are… Are you sure, my Lord? About wanting a dick and no nose?" He shrank into himself as soon as he had uttered the words, afraid of the repercussions.

"You dare question your Master's wishes?" Voldemorts' voice suddenly thundered through the room, eerily similar to what he had sounded like at the height of his power.

"O-o-o-of course not, my Lord. I will do as you wish, my Lord," Wormtail squeaked, bowing deeply. He wondered idly how he could ever find Erumpent musk, but knew that failure wasn't an option. With a sigh, he Disapparated.

And that was how Voldemort was resurrected without a nose but with a dick. Canon-compliant. I swear.