Neon Genesis Evangelion: Legacy
One Shot – Cooking Frenzy
March 22, 2016 – Tokyo–3 Junior High School, Class 2–A
Asuka and Mari were staying after school to clean up the classroom per Hikari's instructions. It had been extremely quiet between them since they started cleaning, and they had barely looked at each other, however, seeing as they were almost done, Mari decided it was ok to talk.
"Hey, princess." Mari asked.
"What, four eyes." Asuka said. "If you shut up, we'll be able to get out of here sooner."
"Yeah, but my question is important." Mari said.
"Fine, what is it." Asuka asked.
"Well, you know how Shinji basically does everything but bathe us and wipe our asses?" Mari asked.
"He doesn't pick out our clothes!" Asuka said angrily.
"Yeah, but we wear a school uniform, and he does all of our laundry." Mari explained. "Polus he cleans up the house and takes out the garbage and everything…"
"Make a point, four eyes, you're starting to piss me off." Asuka said angrily.
"Fine, I'll get to it then." Mari said exasperatedly. "Why not instead of letting him do all the cooking and cleaning, we actually help him every so often."
"Why?" Asuka asked.
"Because it's a nice thing to do." Mari said. "You know what being nice is, don't you?"
"You know what it's like to feel a foot up your ass?" Asuka asked.
"No, but I don't mind trying things at least once." Mari purred.
Asuka blushed. "Oh, shut up four eyes! You're such a pervert!"
"Well, if you're done being an ass, maybe I can make my point." Mari said.
"Yeah for now." Asuka said, glaring at Mari.
"What if, for a treat, we make Shinji dinner as thanks?" Mari said. "I know he's here cleaning tomorrow with Hikari, so it might not be all bad, we'll have time to do it and surprise him. Maybe he'll even be so happy, he won't bug us to clean our room as much."
"Well, I guess that would be nice…" Asuka said. 'And maybe if I impress Shinji with my cooking… no… I don't need to impress that idiot, he should just be happy I'm going to do something for him…' Asuka thought.
"So, is that a yes or a no princess…" Mari said. "I'd like to know how much of the praise I get to keep once we do this… all of it, or half…"
"It's a yes four eyes." Asuka replied. "Now let's get out of this shitty classroom, and go steal that cookbook I gave him, maybe we can find something in there to cook."
"Good thinking, princess!" Mari said. "I guess you are as smart as you claim to be."
"Shut it four eyes." Asuka threatened. "Otherwise I'll have to kick your ass."
"I bet Shinji would pay to see that fight." Mari joked. "Maybe we could wrestle I mud or jello for him, show him a good time."
Asuka shook her head. "Just put the bucket away, Mari." Asuka said. "I'm tired and I want to go home."
"Alright…" Mari said. "But I figured that comment would make you yell."
"Well, I guess you don't know me as well as you think!" Asuka said.
As Mari walked to the supply closet, Asuka blushed. 'Well, it would be nice to beat her in front of Shinji to show him who the better woman is… and if I have to do that in a bathing suit…' Asuka's thoughts trailed off. 'Wait… why am I thinking about this?!'
As Mari and Asuka got home, Shinji already had a massive dinner on the table for them.
"Awww, puppy, you're so sweet to us." Mari said.
"Yeah, you never have dinner ready this early, baka." Asuka added.
"Well, you guys were stuck cleaning the classroom, so I thought it would be nice to have this ready for when you got home." Shinji said kindly. "Plus, I know that when Asuka's hungry, she gets irritable…"
"What did you say?" Asuka asked.
"In a cute way…" Shinji said quickly.
"Better, baka." Asuka said.
"Well, what if we ever surprised you with dinner?" Mari asked.
"I'd die of shock." Shinji said.
"Would you really?" Asuka asked.
"Well either that or wonder why the hell you hadn't offered to help beforehand." Shinji said. "But don't get me wrong, I'd appreciate it all the same."
"Well, I'm offended and happy at the same time." Mari said.
"Why?" Shinji asked.
"Well, just because…" Mari said cutely.
"And you know, I'm full of surprises, baka." Asuka said.
"I'm sure you are Asuka…" Shinji said as they all sat down to eat.
March 23, 2016 – Comfort 17 Apartments
Asuka and Mari arrived home from school as quickly as they could to enact their plan. When they got inside they threw their school stuff roughly into their rom and changed out of their uniforms and went to the kitchen. Asuka went out there in a striped blue and white bra and panty set, and Mari put on a tight tank top and shorts and ran to Shinji's room and met Asuka in the kitchen with the cookbook. Pen–Pen was walking around, and when he saw the two of them going through the kitchen, he slinked away to his freezer to hide, knowing that he only trusted Shinji to cook for him.
"Princess, are you really wearing that?" Mari asked as she saw Asuka.
"Yeah, I don't want to mess up any of my clothes." Asuka replied.
"So, you're going to expose as much skin as possible to a hot stove, and potentially hot oil…" Mari said. "Well, princess, it's your body."
"Yeah, it's my decision to make…" Asuka said. "Wait… hot oil?"
"Yeah, how do you think things get fried?" Mari asked. "Magic?"
"I didn't know there was going to be oil…" Asuka said. "I'll uh… be right back…"
"Ok, I'll start." Mari said.
"The hell you will, four eyes." Asuka said as she walked away. "I'm not letting you take more than half the credit."
"Alright… relax…" Mari said. "I'll wait."
Asuka came back a few minutes later in shorts and a t–shirt. "Well, did you at least look in the damn cookbook, or did you just sit on your thumbs?"
Mari stuck out her tongue. "Thumbs are fun to stick places."
Asuka shook her head. "Just shut up and wash your hands you pervert."
"If it'll make you feel better…" Mari said as she went to the sink. "Also, I figured we could make onigiri. Should be pretty easy. Found the recipe in the book."
"Wait, rice balls?" Asuka asked. "Sure, they do sound easy, it shouldn't be too bad."
"Yeah, he has plenty of rice in the cabinet, and there's also some nori up here too." Mari said. "So we just need a filling…"
"What do we put in them?" Asuka asked. "I don't want more vegetables… I'm tired of vegetables, I want meat and stuff…"
"Ok, so there's bacon and sausage in the fridge, and lots of it. Plus some ground beef I think…" Mari said. "So, now we just need to figure out how to make all this shit…"
"Well, it shouldn't be too hard." Asuka said. "If baka can do it, we should be fine, I'm a genius, and you're not as dumb as you act."
"Just take the compliment…" Mari muttered.
"So, what do we do to the rice?" Asuka asked.
"Well, it says we wash it, so I guess a little soap won't hurt…" Mari said.
"Soap?" Asuka asked.
"It does say wash, doesn't it?" Mari said.
"Yeah, but maybe with baking soda, not soap."
"Baking soda will work!" Mari said. "That'll clean the rice."
Asuka began to wash the rice with water and baking soda while Mari took out the various meats to prep them. "So, I get out a pan to cook this stuff in…" Mari said as she pulled several pans to fry the meats. "So I chop it all up nice and good and then cook it… but with what spices…"
Mari looked at the cabinet and took out as many spices as she could. "So, all this stuff smells spicy, that should work…"
Mari chopped up the bacon and threw it lone into a pan for a few minutes. "So, the bacon doesn't need anything extra… its bacon… so I'll get this all spiced up."
"You bet your ass bacon doesn't need anything extra!" Asuka said as she continued to scrub the rice with baking soda.
To the sausage, Mari added pepper flakes, curry powder, and Chile pepper. "Hmmm, this smells interesting…" Mari said happily. "But I wonder what this shredded ghost pepper is… well, smells tasty anyway…"
Mari took the bacon out of the pan as Asuka finished cleaning the rice. Mari threw the sausage into the pan and Asuka put the rice into the rice cooker with a large helping of salt. Mari began mixing in wasabi, parsley, basil, and shredded ghost pepper with the beef. "Oh… man that smells good… I'm sure Shinji will love it."
Asuka looked at the meat concoctions. "Looks tasty…" Asuka said. "I think the rice needs to be fried next though…"
"You can handle it I've got the filling…" Mari said.
"Yeah, well, where's the little green paper?" Asuka asked.
"The nori?" Mari said. "It's in the cabinet with the rice."
"How do I prep it?" Asuka asked.
"I don't think you do…" Mari said. "Just read the book."
Asuka grabbed the cookbook and looked at the instructions for nori. "Well, Shinji bought individually wrapped ones, so I don't have to do anything…" Asuka said. "Well, now I just need to fry the rice… how do I do that?"
"I think you do that after we make the balls." Mari said as she removed the sausage from the pan and put the ground beef in its place. "I didn't really read a bunch of the cookbook, so just check it."
Asuka flipped through the cookbook again, once again and saw that the rice only needed to be cooked and cooled a bit before forming the balls. "Oh… I guess we don't need to fry the rice at all, we're not making fried onigiri."
"So, is the rice done yet?" Mari asked.
Asuka checked the cooker. "Yeah, it's done." Asuka said taking it out of the rice cooker and placing the rice into a bowl. "So what, we make the balls now?"
"I guess…" Mari said. "I wish we'd have paid attention when Shinji did all this."
"Yeah, somehow I think we're going to regret not offering to help before." Asuka said as they stared at the rice and cooked meat. "So… should we just see what happens?"
"Yeah, we can't really turn back now, can we?" Mari asked.
"Well that and I never give up." Asuka replied.
Shinji arrived home a few hours after school had ended after a long and thorough cleaning of the classroom by himself and Hikari, where they also tidied up some of the other areas of school as well. When Shinji walked into the apartment, he could smell the spices that had been used, and distinct smell of smoke and somewhat burned rice.
Shinji walked cautiously to the kitchen where he saw, to his horror, a mess of massive proportions.
"What happened in here… it's like a war zone." Shinji muttered.
Several bowls and pans had been used, where the bottoms were thoroughly burned and caked with the contents that were cooked, and the raw contents of meat were left in and forgotten and had started to smell. Containers that had raw meat were left on the counter, some leaking the blood they were meant to contain. Some raw meat had also been left unattended on the counter, not even in a bowl, as if it was an afterthought. The rice cooker was also conspicuously missing from the counter, though there were smoke marks on the cabinet above where rice cooker had been. His cookbook from Asuka was also sitting on the kitchen counter, surrounded by the mess, which was odd because it had been in his room earlier when they all left for school.
Shinji took a quick inventory of what had been left on the counter, and realized something horrible. "That's all the food I had bought for this week… all gone…" Shinji muttered.
Shinji walked to the living room to see his two roommates passed out on the floor, wearing partly burned aprons, and covered in what appeared to be smoke and ash.
"Hey guys…" Shinji said cautiously. "Did something happen while I was at school?"
Mari and Asuka opened their eyes wearily and looked at him. They both struggled to sit up, but decided that it was easier to lay on the floor.
"Yeah, puppy, something happened." Mari said. "Uh… rice cooker caught fire."
"How…" Shinji asked.
"What are you, stupid or something?" Asuka said tiredly "We cooked for you, and it didn't really go well…"
"You guys cooked…" Shinji said in amazement. "And the rice cooker caught fire…"
"Yeah, that sums it up pretty well." Asuka replied.
"Yep, we thought it would be nice to cook for you for a change." Mari said.
"But where's all the food you cooked?" Shinji asked. "I mean you used all the meat I had in the fridge for the entire week!"
"Oh, food's in the fridge, we didn't want it to go bad." Mari said. "We can serve you, I just… need some help up is all…"
Shinji reached out his hand and had to literally pull Mari to her feet. She stood unsteadily for a moment before staggering away slowly making her way to the kitchen.
"Asuka, do you need help too?" Shinji asked.
"It would be nice." Asuka said shortly.
Shinji reached down his hand and helped her up, with Auks also being unsteady on her feet.
As Shinji followed Asuka to the kitchen, Asuka stopped and turned to him. "So, baka, are you surprised we actually cooked."
"I think shocked would be a better word…" Shinji said.
"Jerk…" Asuka said as she turned around walked in a huff to the kitchen.
Shinji followed her and tried to apologize. "Asuka, I'm sorry… but neither of you has shown an interest in cooking before… I'd be lying to you if I said I wasn't shocked."
"You could have said it nicer, you know!" Asuka said.
"Really, Asuka, you're really calling that out?" Shinji asked.
"Yeah, princes… seems somewhat ironic considering…" Mari said.
"Oh shut up, the both of you!" Asuka exclaimed as she went into the fridge. "Shinji, sit down and eat! You better enjoy it too!"
Shinji sat down and was presented a platter of onigiri, which looked nice enough and a plate of pork curry, with no rice.
"Why isn't there rice with the…" Shinji started.
"The rice cooker caught fire!" Asuka shouted.
"Asuka, I was only wondering…" Shinji said.
"Well, stop wondering and eat!" Asuka said angrily.
"Really, don't scare him princess." Mari said. "Don't worry Shinji, everything was cooked well, especially that last batch of rice."
Shinji looked at the food in front of him. "Well it all looks really good." Shinji said. "But how did exactly did the rice cooker catch fire?"
"Well, basically… we didn't put enough water in and when the moisture disappeared, it hated up and caught fire. We threw it off the veranda to save the apartment, which is why we smell like smoke and we're covered in soot." Mari explained.
"Alright… well I guess I'll get a new one tomorrow." Shinji said as he caught a scary look from Asuka. "But, I'll start with the curry."
Shinji took his knife and fork and attempted to cut the pork, and with some effort he cut through the tough brick of meat. He coated it with curry ad tasted it, realizing the pork was so overcooked, it was like chewing leather. The curry sauce was surprisingly well done to Shinji's delight.
"So, how was it?" Asuka asked.
"Um…" Shinji said nervously. "The curry was really good, but the pork…"
"What's wrong with it?" Mari asked.
"It's too tough… almost like leather." Shinji said. "How long did you cook it?"
"Oh, about a half hour in the frying pan." Asuka said.
"What?!" Shinji said. "That's way too long!"
"Oh, well sorry Iron Chef Shinji…" Asuka said snidely.
"Well, why don't you try the onigiri?" Mari asked. "I'm sure they're good!"
"What's in them? Any vegetables?" Shinji asked.
"No, one's bacon, one's sausage, and one's ground beef!" Mari said excitedly. "I seasoned the meat myself, and Asuka did the rice!"
"Ok…" Shinji said nervously. Shinji ok one of the onigiri at random, and took a big bite. Moments later, he regretting doing just that.
"WAAAAAHHHHHHH!" Shinji screamed. "HOT! HOT! HOT! I NEED WATER, WATER PLEASE! IT BURNS!"
Asuka and Mari both ran to get him water, and in their haste as they each ran back with a glassful, they slammed into each other, sending both glasses right at the back of Shinji's head, covering him in water and knocking his face into the table.
"OW!" Shinji exclaimed. "Guys, please, just let me get the water… you're hurting me more…" Shinji pleaded as Asuka grabbed another glass of water, and Mari checked to see if he was ok. Asuka handed him the glass of water and Shinji drank it in one gulp.
"It didn't help… it still burns…" Shinji moaned. "Mari, what was in the ground beef? Why is it so hot?" Shinji asked weakly.
"Oh, well let's see…" Mari said tapping her chin. "I used wasabi… parsley… basil… and what was it again? Oh yeah… something called shredded ghost pepper."
"What!?" Shinji exclaimed. "Why did you mix that all in?" Shinji asked. "You could have killed me! Ghost peppers are the spiciest thing on the planet!"
"Oh, I didn't know…" Mari said. "Sorry, it just smelled nice…"
"Well… they do but…" Shinji clutched his stomach. "Oh no…"
As Shinji jumped up from the table to run off, he clutched the table and grimaced before he let out a stream of bile from his stomach, effectively empting the contents of his stomach all over the table and kitchen floor, and running the food Mari and Asuka had prepared.
Shinji then promptly collapsed onto the floor, moaning.
"SHINJI!" Both girls screamed as they looked over the mess he made. Asuka sat on the ground and cradled Shinji in her arms, while Mari crouched down next to Asuka and looked worriedly at him.
"Shinji, what's wrong?" Mari asked worriedly.
"My stomach hurts… it's like its being twisted into knots…" Shinji moaned.
"Oh shit…" Asuka muttered. "We killed him…"
"No, not yet…" Mari said. "But close…"
"Mari, where there any other spices in there?" Shinji asked.
"No, just what I told you." Mari said.
"What about the rice?" Shinji asked weakly.
"Well, I washed it with a load of baking soda, then I cooked it with a load of salt…" Asuka said. "Is that wrong?"
"Yeah…" Shinji replied. "When you wash the rice, you just rinse it off really good… you don't actually wash it… didn't you two use the cookbook?"
"Well, it wasn't very specific…" Asuka said.
"Yeah, it just said wash." Mari said. "I suggested soap, but Asuka used baking soda instead."
"Thank god for that…" Shinji muttered. "How much salt did you use?"
"Well, I made six cups of rice, so I put in a cup of salt to be safe." Asuka said. "I thought it would taste nice."
"No, Asuka, all that stuff I think is what made me sick… that and the spices Mari used in the meat… ugh…" Shinji said.
"Oh…" Asuka said sadly. "Mari, go call Hikari… I don't think we should try to help anymore… we're kind of fucking useless…"
"No, you're not, it's just a couple mistakes…" Shinji said as he tried to smile.
"A couple mistakes don't just make someone thrown up and collapse, baka!" Asuka said angrily. "We made you throw up, we're fucking useless at cooking! I even set a rice cooker on fire! We should have never tried to cook for you! It was a stupid idea!"
"No, it was really sweet of both of you to try…" Shinji said. "I appreciate it, even if the final result was not what you had hoped for…"
"Wait, we almost kill you, and you're ok with that?" Asuka asked.
"Yeah, Shinji, you're not even a little mad?" Mari asked.
"How can I be mad when it came from such a kind place in your hearts?" Shinji explained. "That kind of thoughtfulness is wonderful, and can never be hated."
"Wow, he's clearly not feeling well." Mari quipped.
"You really are an idiot…" Asuka said. "Baka…"
"So, should I still call Hikari?" Mari asked.
"Yeah, I'd rather not risk more of our kindness almost putting him six feet under." Asuka replied. "I'd think Hikari could do a lot better."
"Yeah, you're probably right…" Mari said.
Hikari walked out of Shinji's room and sighed. "Ok, you two are never allowed to cook again." Hikari said sternly.
"Yeah, big surprise there." Asuka said.
"I can't say I'm disappointed." Mari said.
"I mean, Shinji's right, it was sweet of you guys to try, but it fell… uh… short." Hikari said kindly. "And he's not as bad as it could have been."
"But, will he be ok?" Mari asked.
"Yeah, we didn't mean to you know… almost kill him."
"He'll be fine tomorrow or Friday, but he's not going to school tomorrow, so one of you should stay and watch him." Hikari said. "You know without killing him."
"I'll do it." Asuka said. "I feel guilty about following Mari's plan… I'll stay and look after him. I made the rice like a retarded monkey anyway…"
"Asuka…" Hikari said.
"Hey, she can stay tomorrow, I asked her to help, it's only fair she's the one who skips school to care for him." Mari said. "I'll suffer like I hold listening to that old man speak."
"Thanks, Mari." Asuka said. "You should suffer for being that stupid and thinking we could cook."
"Well, you guys could still help around the house." Hikari said. "You know, like cleaning the disaster of a kitchen, and all the… effects it caused."
"You mean the puke right?" Mari asked.
"Yeah, I do." Hikari said. "Why don't we clean up, and someone can watch him now, to make sure if he throws up again, he doesn't choke on it and actually die."
"Let Asuka do it." Mari said.
"What?" Hikari and Asuka said together.
"Yeah, she shouldn't have to clean up the mess, it's basically all my fault anyway." Mari said. "Like Asuka said, it was a stupid idea."
"Alright, Asuka, the chair is next to his bed, just keep an eye on him." Hikari said. "I'll check in on him before I leave."
"Ok…" Asuka said as she walked quietly into Shinji's room. Asuka sat down next to his bed and looked at him. "It's ironic… instead of an Angel killing you, it was me and Mari…" Asuka quipped. "I think you'd rather us not try and kill you… we'll leave that job to the giant death monsters, huh?"
Shinji didn't respond, but lay there quietly, snoring just a bit as he slept.
"Funny, last time I was in here, I was confused whether or not I liked you… and I still am… but… I'm still really sorry this happened… I was just trying to be nice… and I fucked it up like an idiot…" Asuka said quietly. "But… I'm just glad you'll be ok… it means I still have a chance to figure all this out."
Asuka leaned down and kissed Shinji's forehead. "I hope you feel better soon… baka." Asuka said, smiling widely and blushing a bit.
Meanwhile out in the kitchen, Mari and Hikari started the long job of cleaning up the disaster that was the kitchen. Mari started to move the garage from counter into a bag, and moved Shinji's cookbook to the living room. As Hikari found the cleaning supplies, she eyed Mari suspiciously as she walked back in from the living room.
"Why are you letting Asuka watch him?" Hikari asked.
"Because, Shinji loves her." Mari replied simply. "You know that already."
"Yeah, so what?" Hikari asked. "I don't want to interfere."
"Well, considering how dense they both are, maybe we should interfere, for their sake." Mari explained. "It would be nice to see them together, wouldn't it? Like a proper couple?"
"Yeah… they would be cute together wouldn't they?" Hikari said.
"Good, so it's agreed." Mari said. "This plan is way better than cooking for Shinji, finding him some sweet puppy love will be far more interesting."
"Do you think Asuka likes him?" Hikari asked.
"Based on her reaction to his getting sick, yeah, I'd place that bet." Mari said.
"Ok, it's settled, we'll help the best we can." Hikari said proudly.
"I just hope we can get through to them without it being too obvious…" Mari said as the pair began cleaning the kitchen, smiling from ear to ear.
A/N: I do not own Evangelion or any of the characters, GAINAX and the other distributors of NGE related material do. I am simply using them as a backdrop for my fanfic.
Timelines are very important to me! So, this one shot takes place roughly after Chapter 12 of Episode IV, but before Chapter 1 of Episode V.
So, in the main part of the fic, there have been a few mentions of Asuka and Mari being unable to cook and almost killing Shinji… and well, this is what happened actually happened, and those statements aren't far from the truth. They try to be nice, but almost kill him with kindness, then of course everything they do to assist him makes everything worse.
So, as the saying goes… the road to hell is paved with good intentions. Thankfully, Hikari was able to help before it got hospital serious. Although, he probably should have gone to the hospital to begin with… oh well…
Also, the origins of Mari and Hikari teaming up to help get the two dense individuals together. So at least something good came out of this… well not blood bath, but a pun about puke and shitty food.
As I said before, and will always say at the end of anything, please leave comments, as I would like to try to improve the story going forward any way I can. And, hell, constructive criticism is a good thing.