property of Lucasfilm.
Star Ranma, Part 1
A gleeful crossover into somebody else's world with somebody else's
characters. The only part that's mine is the whim, and a trickle of
aka Jared Ornstead
Out on the desert sands of the planet Furinkan two close friends
make peace with their parting.
"I'll always miss you, Ucchan."
"I know, Ranma honey. But the rebellion against the galactic empire
is so important. Already they have completely banned the making of
okanomiyaki." She touched his cheek lovingly, her own face wet with
tears. "You know that nothing less could make me leave you, even for
Ranma smiled through his sadness. "Yah, I know, Ucchan. I just wish
uncle Tofu didn't need me so bad at the farm. You know I'd go with
Somehow they came closer to each other. Ucchan slid her arms around
her Ranchan and laid her head upon his shoulder. "Somehow I hope it
will all work out anyway, Ranchan." She looked up into his liquid
filled eyes. "Join me if ever you can."
He nodded his head, and smiled as if to make light of his pain.
"Hey, we're two shooting stars. Nothing can ever stop us."
Ucchan smiled, comforted, and continued to hold him. "Or part us."
The scene quickly filled with a racing starship flashing
by at high
speed. Faintly visible on its side as it passes is a huge sign that
reads "Martial Arts Takeout - We Deliver Anywhere!"
The ship is not even fully past when the sign is obliterated by a
huge chi blast. Dozens of others followed the first, marring and
scoring the little vessel. And, more importantly, spilling ramen from
the vast containers suspended beneath it.
Following at a vast speed, made to seem small by its bulk, a large
warship appeared, dwarfing the smaller vessel. As the enormous, and
oddly pig shaped, warship entered range a vast forest of ramen noodles
snaked out from its tip to engulf the neck of the smaller craft.
Onboard the martial arts takeout ship the lurch is
felt. In a
corridor two droids struggled to remain upright. A gold plated one with
two katana strapped to its back, and a much taller one in form fitting
silvery tunic and leggings, marked by blue panels.
"Aiya! Shampoo-D2 feel that one! We no going to escape. Big ship
The much shorter gold plated droid rose from a half crouch,
standing erect at about half the height of the taller droid. "Oh! I
fear Mistress Akane will not escape the Emperor this time! But what is
a poor, humble servant of the great and noble house of Tendo to do?"
At that moment several guards with blasters and matching black
topped uniform gi ran past them down the corridor.
The shorter droid drew its katanas. "No sacrifice is too great for
the house of Tendo! I, Sasuke-PO, will personally fight the enemy to my
dying breath!" The vehicle shook again and the little droid managed to
knock itself out on a low railing.
Below, on the planet Furinkan, Ranma gazed longingly
up into the
sky. He could see the delivery ships, and it was worth a sigh. He too,
wanted to be among the stars, fighting desperately to deliver hot
takeout among the galaxies (and perhaps find a way to be with his
Ucchan). Instead he looked down and refocused on what he was doing.
His uncle Tofu held a multi-ton block of sandstone steady with a
practiced skill that came only from decades of rigorous moisture
farming. "Have you got it Ranma?" His uncle asked.
Ranma nodded. He really was very good at this, the dangerous and
difficult art of moisture farming on the desert planet Furinkan. Blocks
of Furinkan stone held all the moisture of their world, but it was
necessary to beat the crap out of them before they would surrender even
the tiniest drop. Ranma focused his mind, gathered his chi, and let fly
at the block with a whirlwind explosion of kicks and punches. A geyser
erupted from it in moments, but the water gushed out all over Ranma,
swiftly drenching him.
Uncle Tofu adjusted his glasses. "Hmm, we're going to have to work
on that avoidance technique." He sighed. "I did warn your father about
visiting that fertility clinic on the Jusenkyo resort world. In-utero
genetics is just not fully understood yet."
His newly transformed niece dripped by way of reply.
Princess Akane knocked her pilot silly for getting
caught in that
ramen trap. It irked her, but the stupid jerk hadn't even evaded it! He
deserved to die, however her mission could not be allowed to fail!
However much it took, her message had to be delivered safely. She was
wondering what to do just when two droids caught her attention...
Slowly, irrevocably, the tiny delivery ship was drawn
belly of the monster warship. Shuttles trailing hooks came out and
stole the ramen containers from its underside, then a boarding bridge
was secured to the main hatch.
From inside the delivery ship a clattering could be heard opposite
the hull. A crash and a few curses followed. Then, faintly, the
assembled guards could hear a cry of "The Breaking Point!" and the door
exploded inward in shards. They raised themselves from where they had
fallen and began to fire with frantic haste into the pouring smoke as
an endless surge of assailants began to pour though the hole. The
attackers swarmed through wearing ghoulish white helmets and an
impossible variety of sports attire.
One man with boxing gloves pounded a blaster wielding guard into
submission while two large invaders wearing sumo thongs crushed
defenders against walls and broke them through bulkheads. A man in
fencing gear ran past another in tennis shorts who was bashing the
defending commander with his racket.
The defenders broke and ran.
Only to reform in a defensive posture somewhat down the corridor.
As the assembled sportstroopers clamored to get after them they
screeched to a halt and stared in wonder as a shapely young droid with
blue body panels on a silver tunic crossed their way. After she was
safely gone they shook their heads in wonder and got back to attacking.
"Here. We use this one!"
Sasuke-PO looked uncomfortably at the pedal driven landing craft.
"Are you sure? I mean, won't Mistress Akane get mad if we take one of
her delivery capsules?"
"Who care? She lose ship anyway."
A flash registered on sensors aboard the huge warship,
pivoted to fire. "There goes one."
"Hold your fire," the commander rebuked. "They've got no ramen.
Whoever it is they won't get far."
The little landing capsule continued its long descent planetside.
Princess Akane lurked in the deep passages of the
ship with raised
mallet. Already around her feet lay sixty or so of the attacking
sportstroopers. With a cry of "AAAAAAaaaagggghhhhhh! Where onboard am I
NOW!!!!!" a figure in black body armor burst from behind her and she
was knocked unconscious.
Several sportstroopers materialized around the black cloaked
figure. "The ship is secured, sir. We've taken their ramen. But have
failed to find any evidence of illegal okanomiyaki trafficking. We
*may* have taken this ship by mistake."
The speaker was grabbed by the front of his dancing costume. "How
DARE you insinuate that I may not know what I'm doing! Now where is
this princess we've been chasing?"
"You appear to be standing on her, sir."
Darth Ryoga looked down at his feet. "Ah, so I am. How very clever
of me. I'll go back aboard the flagship now and question her."
"Ah, sir? The flagship is *that* way."
"How DARE you correct me!!!" The dancer was strangled where he
stood by an enraged Ryoga. He turned to another subordinate. "What
could they have done with all their okanomiyaki recipes? They have to
be here somewhere."
The underling saluted. "The recipes are not in their main computer,
and no transmissions were made. A landing vehicle peddled off during
the fighting, but they escaped without ramen."
Ryoga considered this. "Did they scan for okanomiyaki?"
"The officer in charge of the guns did not have that equipment,
"WELL KILL HIM ANYWAY!!!" Darth Ryoga shouted. "And send a
detachment out to retrieve that pedicapsule. I'm going back to the
He started wandering off in the wrong direction. This time nobody
The landing vehicle peddled along in the sky just
above a ridge of
stone, Shampoo-D2 scanning around carefully for signs of inhabitants.
Sasuke-PO clung to the back of the bike looking nauseous and slightly
"Do we have to fly much farther?" He whined.
"Must find settlement."
_groan_ "I wish my stomach would settle. All this flying around..."
The little droid got dizzy and began swaying around. Shampoo-D2 looked
back at him in annoyance, correcting their balance automatically.
"You stop. No want leave vehicle sooner than have to."
"Oh, look! A town!" Sasuke-PO cried ecstatically, spotting one over
the next hill.
"Good. We land. Find help." Shampoo steered the capsule over in
Ranma was working around the homestead with uncle
Tofu while aunt
Kasumi prepared lunch for both of them. Tofu's glasses were already
fogged and Ranma had a hard time keeping him from injuring the machines
they were working on. Then a big, twelve story, climate controlled, all
terrain limo pulled up outside.
Uncle Tofu looked up and the fog cleared slightly from his glasses.
"Ah, it looks like Nabiki has come trading. Let's go see what she
By the time they had walked out there an outside pavilion had been
erected and hundreds of droids pampered, fanned, and served a sultry
Nabiki as she lounged on cushions. She allowed them to get within easy
hail before calling. "Hey, Tofu baby, I was in the area when I found
some merchandise, and I *thought* you might be interested."
Tofu straightened his glasses. "Really? What kind of merchandise
did you find?"
She gestured languidly and a pair of droids were brought forward.
One was shapely and curvaceous with long purple hair and the other
short and a bit too garishly golden. "I caught them landing a delivery
shuttle without a permit. And to top things off they weren't even
carrying any ramen. Now I have no use for a class 3 servitor droid, and
certainly not for a high end *affection* model, so I dropped by your
farm to see if you were interested."
Tofu looked more closely at the two droids before him. "Well, I
don't know. I don't think..."
At that moment back from the homestead Kasumi's voice called out.
"Ranma! Ono! Lunch is ready!"
Tofu straightened and his glasses fogged completely. "Sure, Nabiki.
I'll take 'em all. Ha! Just deliver them over there will you?" He tried
to point over to the garage but ended up nearly poking Ranma in the
Nabiki made a notation. "Right. Transferring loyalty chips over to
Ranma. You got it, Tofu baby. I'll discuss payment with you when the
farm crop comes in. Ta-ta!"
The affection droid's programming kicked in and she flung herself
on her new owner. "Oh! I soo Happy! Wish whole long life for man to
own! Now can hug and squeeze and love!" She began to rub her head
affectionately on Ranma's chest.
Ranma's own brain short-circuited.
Kasumi served plates of food to every human at the
I think it was wonderful of you to get an affection droid for Ranma."
She assured Dr. Tofu. "It has been so long since we've had any visitors
that he's been without any friends, and it hasn't been possible for him
to have a pet. He needs someone to care for him and make him feel
Ranma sat not knowing what to do as Shampoo-D2 rubbed her cheek
against his arm. "Uh, yeah. But she hasn't, like, let go of me since we
Kasumi beamed. "That's right, Ranma. It's normal for an affection
droid to behave this way. You'll find that you'll get used to her soon
The sound of a landspeeder starting up grabbed their attention.
Tofu looked at Ranma. "Ranma, did you forget to lock down that class 3
servitor like I told you? You know how unreliable their loyalty chips
Ranma sat frozen with an expression of surprise as the sound of the
landspeeder vanished off into the distance.
Sasuke-PO stared dejectedly at the flat tire on his
Scratching his head he moaned. "Now how did that happen? There weren't
any tires on this thing when I started!" He looked and, sure enough,
there was only one tire on the speeder, and it was flat. The rest of
the vehicle still hovered softly above the ground.
He was still wondering about it when Ranma and Shampoo appeared.
"You BAD droid!" Shampoo shouted, running up, waving a sword and shield
she had somehow pulled from within the panels on her blouse. "No run
away from owner like that!"
Ranma caught the little golden droid by its collar when it tried to
run away and lifted it up to eye level. "Now wha'd you do that for? I
thought class 3 servitors couldn't drive."
Sasuke-PO glanced from the angry master over to the disabled
vehicle. He lowered his eyes admitting. "Well, I *can't*" He raised his
face again to plead with his master. "But if only you knew how
important it was for me to come out here! You would have granted your
"It ain't my permission I'm worried about. This area here is thick
with sand people, and..."
He was interrupted by a head popping up out of the sand. "Well,
hello there, son! Glad you could make it. Come on in and we'll have a
drink!" The dark haired head then vanished back into the sand.
"...And most of 'em are my relatives." Ranma finished dejectedly.
They crawled into the subterranean dwelling, where
the dark haired
man was prancing about getting tea things together. "So, Ranma, that a
new affection droid you've got there? I didn't know they made them in
this part of the galaxy."
He went on but Ranma was too busy dodging the water he was
splashing around while making tea, so neither noticed as the little
golden servitor droid's eyes grew round and wide. The little droid then
leaped forward presenting a wrapped scroll to the old man.
"Oh, most ancient and venerable master! By purest chance I have
found thee! I bear a message that must be delivered into thy hands
"Hey, who's venerable?" The old man groused, his tea forgotten. He
took the scroll anyway, and out of curiosity laid it on the table and
rolled it open.
A colorful hologram of a somewhat skinny girl formed above the
parchment. It bowed and began speaking. "General Soun. You served my
father in the Cologne Wars, now he begs to you help him in his struggle
against the Umpire. I regret that I am unable to bring you any ramen to
strengthen you for your mission, but my pilot was an insensitive jerk
and couldn't get rid of the pervert following us."
The little hologram took a long, deep breath.
"I gave information *vital* to the survival of the Rebel Dojo into
the care of a really perverted affection droid..." The hologram
vanished as it and the table beneath it were destroyed by a huge axe
that the offended droid had somehow pulled from within her skimpy
"Who you calling pervert, gorrilla-girl?" She pulled a notebook out
of thin air. "This only thing stupid Akane princess give. Is no good.
Is recipe book, but stupid girl scribble all over. Not good put tobacco
and motor oil in human food. What she thinking?"
Obi-Soun cleared his throat, then turned seriously over to Ranma.
"You must learn the ways of the Force, if you are to someday take over
the Rebel Dojo."
Ranma blinked. "Huh? What's the Force?"
Soun sidled up close to him and whispered conspiratorially. "It's a
way of getting to use really massive amounts of chi. That's what."
Ranma smirked. "Oh, yeah? Well, what do I need *that* for? I
already got the most powerful chi attacks on the planet."
A cry of 'Foolish Boy!' seemed to hang in the air, sourceless and
Soun composed himself. "Son, you may not realize it, but all chi
attacks are really manifestations of the Force. It is an energy field
created by all living things. You have great potential, it is true, but
you have not even begun to master its true secrets. Those who have done
so can do much more than just attack."
Soun turned over to a projected screen depicting a warrior. "Even
untrained as you are you have a powerful chi attack. But a Jedi,
trained in the Force, could defeat you without even trying. Which
reminds me, you get to carry one of these for the rest of the movie."
Soun handed him a lightsaber.
Accepting the weapon, Ranma said. "Well, okay. But why do we want
to go to some old dojo? I mean, couldn't you just as easily teach me
Obi-Soun pulled out a sheaf of papers. "It's in the script, son."
Soun pointed it out and Ranma read over his shoulder. "Oh, yeah.
You're right. I guess we'll go after all. But what's this about
'Introduce Main Villain?'"
Soun laughed it off. "Oh, that's where we spend a few moments
talking about your father that's all." Turning serious he said. "He was
destroyed by a man called Darth Ryoga, who was a pupil of mine until he
wandered off one day."
Shampoo-D2 glomped onto Ranma and started showing him how to hide
things in weapon-space.
They raced across the desert sands, having pulled
off the flat-tire
shaped life form that had been inhibiting the landspeeder, when they
pulled up to a sharp halt outside a perfectly groomed resort oasis. A
familiar limo was pulled up outside.
"Oh, Ranma honey." Nabiki called from a sinfully indolent bed of
cushions. "Glad to see you could make it. Some thugs in sports attire
landed awhile ago and purchased your home address. As they were clearly
up to no good I charged them double the normal fees and credited the
usual stipend to your account. You'll be glad to know that leaves you
and your aunt and uncle in the black."
Brief scene shift to a farm in ruins. Smoke pours from blackened
buildings and pieces of broken machinery are scattered everywhere. As
the camera pans through the devastation a hatch creaks open on a secret
shelter and Kasumi and Tofu emerge unharmed.
Kasumi touched her cheek, seeing the destruction.
Ranma shrugged. "Thanks, Nabiki. You don't happen to sell
off-planet transport, do you?"
Nabiki dropped her chin in a beguiling nod. "Moi? But of course,
dear boy. Just go to the spaceport and my agent will set you up."
As they pulled into the spaceport a swimsuit clad
guard wearing a
grotesque helmet waved them down. Ranma stopped the speeder and it was
surrounded by armed sportstroopers.
"Show us your license and registration for these droids." The guard
"Um..." Ranma bigsweated. Soun glowered.
"And we'll need to see your ID, travel permit, a recent tax return
and at least one license to enter the city. Or we'll be forced to
terminate you all."
Soun's face grew into a gigantic, screaming, purple maw larger than
the guard was tall, breathing vile threats as its split tongue waved in
the air before it. "WHAT DID YOU SAY!!!"
"Alright, alright! I was kidding!" The sportstrooper cringed. "You
The landspeeder pulled away, and Obi-Soun, now perfectly composed,
saw his younger companions looking at him fearfully. "The Force can
have a strong influence on the easily terrified." He explained.
They reached the spaceport, but Nabiki's factor kept
hassles and delays their way, all the while dropping hints about how a
bribe would smooth things along. Ranma was typically broke, so they
sought out a seedy bar at Soun's request.
"Really, son. All the best independent pilots hang around here."
"Yah, right. You're just interested in getting some of that Nerima
sake you've been hearing about."
"Really, son. I haven't been off the farm in fourteen years. How
would I know about such a thing?"
"You'd find a way."
They entered and stood, allowing their eyes to adjust to the lower
level of light. As they were adjusting a figure from the darker
recesses began speaking.
"The vengeance of heaven is slow but sure. Who DARES to bring
droids into the august presence of the great Han Kuno? Am I not captain
of Blue Thunder, the fastest starship in the known galaxy?"
Shampoo-D2 lifted the pilot off the ground by the front of his gi
and began pounding him flat. "Only BAD man try make Shampoo-D2 leave
husband! Must kill!"
Obi-Soun stopped her with a touch to her throat.
"There, now. Captain of the Blue Thunder, you say? I've heard of
it. Wasn't that the ship that just made the Nerima run? You must be
quite a pilot."
Han Kuno composed himself in spite of bruises, ignoring his
injuries nobly. "Indeed. The sound of my guns causes fear even among
the most courageous of my enemies. Three times I have been awarded the
most distinguished flying honors, I am the rising new star in the
galactic outer rims. My peers call me the shooting star of Furinkan's
The bartender reached for the phone. "Hey Kuno, Nabiki's on the
line. Say's something about you owing her half a million and when are
you going to pay up?"
Captain Kuno sprang to his feet. "Nabiki the Slut? I have suddenly
recalled a pressing engagement elsewhere. I shall leave at once for
Ranma crossed his arms and smiled at him. "Got any room for
Han turned on him contemptuously. "Although my ship does indeed
carry room for passengers 'twould be the gravest indignity to expect me
to accommodate them without a suitable reimbursal."
Ranma grimaced. "Huh?"
"He expects to get paid, son."
"Oh." Ranma caught a glimpse of Sasuke-PO out of the corner of his
eye. He shoved the little droid forward. "Well, isn't *that*
convenient. You see the reason why I was bringing this droid in here
was to pay a pilot with him in exchange for our groups passage."
Han Kuno and the golden little droid spent a few moments examining
each other, then both reacted in hearty approval.
"Of course!" Kuno slapped a fist into his palm. "I find this
recompense sufficient. Be prepared to meet me at the landing bay in one
Well, I feel happy. I feel *real* good about myself,
and do you
know why? No, it's probably not the reason you're thinking. My life
still sucks. But there's another GOOD reason to be happy, and I have
Well, okay, a-TON of people are going to find this
a good reason to
get depressed to such levels that Ryoga would look upon with envy...
*but!* They've got a different perspective than I do.
I am coming at this from the perspective of someone
who knew all
this was about to happen and so did my best to prepare. Not that I
think that what's coming up is going to be at all, in any way shape or
form pleasant, but there's a certain something to recommend it also.
What am I talking about? Our present world is about
to undergo a
change. There's a good-to-excellent chance that sometime *very* soon we
just might be entering one of the Greatest Shows On Earth.
For all who're mystified by what I'm talking about,
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