The Muppets Do Ranma 1/2

Jared Ornstead
aka Skysaber

Um, please don't kill me. I don't have anything worth suing me for
anyway, except my mind, and if you want that then why don't you just
hire me?


(background music)

"It's time to see Nerima!
It's time to fight some fights!

It's time to get things started!"

(huge fan audience)
"Why don't you get things started?"

"It's time to get things started
On the Ranma show tonight!"

Kermit dances out.
"To introduce our plot-line, that's what I'm here to do. Argh!" (he
is run over by approximately three thousand muppets in a wild
assortment of sports attire).

Kermit gets up, dusts himself off. "Good evening everyone! My name
is Soun Tendo! And I'd like to welcome you all to the world of Ranma
1/2, the muppet version."

(the stage changes behind him, scenery rolling away to reveal Nerima

Kermit continues. "Here we have the story of a young lad, who is
cursed to change with the touch of cold water." He wrinkles his face.
"Pretty weird, changing with water, if you ask me." He walks on, the
dojo appears, Kermit enters the gate. Within is the sound of fighting.
Kermit turns back to the audience. "Uh oh. Sounds like they're at
it again."

Ranma dodged and weaved, keeping his hands up in guard position.
"Hah! Is that the best you can do?"
Miss Piggy weaved before him. "Aiya! You jerk, you pervert! How
*dare* you say that about my cooking?" She throws several ineffectual
kicks and punches, which Ranma evades without apparent effort.
"C'mon, Akane. We both know how hopeless you are at cooking. I
mean, you could kill a rhino with that stuff!"
A muppet rhino looks up from the bushes, alarmed.
"Children, children!" Kermit admonished, putting himself in between
them. "Now we'll have no more of this arguing. Aren't you late for
Both students look alarmed.
"Oh my! I'm late! You pervert! How DARE you do this to me!" She
strikes Ranma a huge blow, which rockets him out of the yard and
halfway to the school building. He doesn't even have to run to get
there on time.
"Now Akane, you really shouldn't do that." Kermit comforts his
daughter. "After all, you *do* want to marry him, don't you?"
"Marry that jerk? That lecher? I would rather take my pet pig, and
make pork chops out of him! Hmph!" She grabs her books and wanders off,
calling "P-chan, my darling, where are you?" (explains a few things,
doesn't it?)
Kermit wrinkles his nose at the camera. "Hmph. If she tried to make
pork chops it would come out looking more like glow-in-the-dark ice
"I *heard* that!" Miss Piggy mallets her father into a wall, then
runs off to school, clutching her pet pig.


At the gates of the high school, Ranma (yes, a real one. They *do*
put humans in muppet movies, you know) came to face a short, red furred
Kuno holding a bokken, and wearing his traditional kendo outfit.
"You BAD man! BAD man, *bad* man!" Heavy breathing and panting from
the short muppet.
Ranma weaved to the side. "Aw, Kuno. I don't got time for this. I
was gunna talk with Ukyo and..."
Animal hefts his wooden sword up from guard position. "Bad MAN!!!!"
He begins swinging furiously. "Hurt! Kill bad man! Strike,
Ranma dodges the blows, placing a foot in the face of the muppet,
who goes down. Then he runs off seeking someone normal.


Ukyo (yes, a human one) was standing in the school yard, in a spot
under the school wall that was shaded by some trees.
"Why, hello Ranma honey!" She beams.
Ranma comes to a stop before her. "Hiya, Ucchan. Look, there's
something I gotta tell ya."
She acquires a blush on her face. ~Finally! It's time! Ooh! I hope
I look cute enough!~
A bush leapt forward, sprouting mouth and eyes. "There's no way
YOU'RE taking Ukyo away from me!"
Ranma regard the bush with pity. "Ah, Tsubasa, not now will ya?"
A tree opened a set of eyes, saying. "Hey, wait a minute. I thought
*I* got to play Tsubabsa!"
Two other bushes revealed faces. "No way! *We're* Tsubasa!"
A bust of the principle turned to face them. "Ey, wait a minute,
bruddas. *I'M* Tsubasa!"
The school wall cracked open a huge mouth. "No, you're wrong. I'm
Ranma and Ukyo were looking around weirdly, he took her hand. "Say,
Ucchan. Let's say we..."
"Right behind ya, sugar." They exited while the plants, background
and furniture argued with themselves.


Ranma and Ukyo come to a stop in front of the school building.
"Listen, Ucchan, there's been something I've been dying to say."
Ukyo leans forward, beaming with joy. "Yes, Ran-chan?"
"Well, I..."
"I mean..."
"Go on." She was bobbing her head cutely.
"Ukyo, I... I..."
"Uh huh?"
"You I KILL!" Shampoo (another human one) swept her sword through
the space where Ranma's head had been.
Ranma peeled himself off the pavement. "Shampoo! Why'd ya gotta...
Urk!" He was grabbed by a chain around his throat and hauled up to meet
a grinning Mouse at the top of the school building.
"Ranma! I'm going to pay you for toying with Shampoo's feelings
like this! Take this! And that! and that!"
Ranma began dodging airborne whoopie cushions, flounders, jugs of
marbles, and a few things with eyes and ears that most definitely
weren't human. As half of Mouse's weapons got up and walked away Ranma
stood facing his foe.
Then it began to rain.
"Wow! This is so *COOL*" Gonzo cried, staring at his limbs. "Hey!
I'm BACK everyone!"
Redhaired Ranko slumped dejectedy in the rain. "Over a hundred
cursed pools, and it's *my* foe that gets dunked in the Spring of
Drowned Gonzo."
Gonzo began lifting a firearm, sticking his nose down the muzzel.
"Hey, I wonder what *this* thing does." He set it off, blowing a hole
through his face.
"Wow! Hey, everybody! Ya GOTTA try this! This is *so* fun. It's
better than jelly beans in the nostrils. Hey, where'd everybody go?"
Gonzo ran off in search of the others.


Ranma slid into his desk seconds before the bell rang and their
teacher walked in. First period was taught by a hulking, brutish
monstrosity towering almost eight feet high and with shaggy, unkempt
brownish fur covering its entire body.
"Good Morning, Sensei." The class chanted.
"Not Sensei! Sweetums!" The brute once again correted them.
The class squirmed, not even *close* to comfortable with the
teacher's name. As they all pulled out their books Ukyo leaned over and
passed Ranma a note. He opened it, in sweet curliques it asked what
he'd been trying to say. Ranma looked back and mouthed the word
'Lunch.' With a nudge in his other side Ranma turned back just in time
for Akane to pass him a note.
With a look of horror he pinched out the hissing fuse. After a
moment trying to figure out the timing mechanism he gave up and tossed
the bomb out of the window, where it exploded with a dull blast,
flinging masonry and muppets past their view.
Akane's notes were rather eloquent in the feeling they conveyed.


Animal, er, Kuno prowled the halls, waving his bokken and trying to
find the way to Ranma's classroom. A pretty girl walked past and the
shaggy muppet's eyes lifted from their perpetually half-lidded state to
follow her.
The teenager noticed and began to back off.
Kuno grinned stupidly and trotted after. "Woman! woman, *woman!*
She shrieked and tore off, Animal, er, Kuno chasing after.


Ranma walked nervously past the trees that were *still* arguing
over which of them were Tsubasa. Finding a nice spot near the fountain
he sat down and began to open his lunch.
Ukyo materialized beside him and joined him cutely. "Hey, Ran-chan.
Was there something you wanted to tell me?"
Ranma's eyes lit up and he turned on her a look of adoration.
The fountain heaved beyond its bounds, splashing them both with a
few hundred gallons of water. Sitting on its haunches it spoke.
"Hey, wait a minute! You can't do that! *I'm* Tsubasa!"
The redhaired woman grabbed her partner and both ran screaming.


Akane and two other pigs, er, her friends, were waiting in the
lunch line in the cafeteria. One of them was speaking.
"Hey, Akane, let's get something different to eat. I'm tired of
school food."
At that moment a vendor walked past.
"Boomerang Fish, gettum while they're fresh. I throw the fish away
and it comes *back* to me!" The vendor demonstrated. "Hehe, gettum
while they're fresh."
The three pigs regarded the vendor with horror.
Miss Piggy, er, Akane cleared her throat. "Uh, no. I think school
food sounds scrumptuous and tasty right now."
The line proceeded the where they could fill up their plates. The
school's Sweedish Chef was singing loudly. "Let's see-a hoo thees
defelups furst. Um de hur de hur de hur. Vhy dun't ve-a see-a, iff ve-a
teke-a thees teemeline-a here-a vhere-a Runma deees et Ryuge's hunds
vheele-a zee lust buy ves useeng zee kuee rud. Bork bork bork!
Freefuluoos veeshes ere-a coose-a fur immedeeete-a termeeneshun ooff
veesher. Hurty flurty schnipp schnipp!"
The trays of food opened and began to sing "Tra-la-las" in chorus.
Akane dropped her tray. "On second thought I'm not that hungry."


Ranma and Ukyo find a comparitively quiet place. Her turns to her,
holding her hands.
"Ucchan, look, I...."
"Look! He might actually *say* it!" Crowed an old voice from out of
"That's impossible!" Cried another. "He can't get a backbone!"
"He would if they could find one the same way they found their
plot-line." Cried the first voice. "Second hand!"
"OHOHOHOHOHOHO!!!!" The old voices laughed in chorus.
Ucchan and Ranma were staring around wildly, finally finding the
source of the voices. Two old men were sitting in a balcony halfway up
the school wall. Ranma gathered a chi ball.
"Fierce Tiger Ball!!!"
A blue explosion took out the balcony and left the old geezers
hanging from twisted rebar. Ranma and Ukyo ran away.
"Hey, isn't that the first time somebodies attacked us?" One of the
old men asked.
"Yeah, but it's not like we haven't deserved it." The other
"You mean we weren't being Pun-ny?"
"No. It's just Ranma specializes in delivering Pun-ishment!"
Nabiki opened the balcony door above them, looking down in pity.
"Are you guys done yet or are you going to pay for another half-hour?"
One geezer looked at another. "No, I think we're well done."
"Whaddya mean? This whole show's only half-baked!"
Nabiki closed the door in disgust.


Genma-Panda is being schmoozed up to by a dozen cute, female
pandas. He was waving a sign. "No, really! I'm not that kind of
One of them produces a plate of food and his resolve wavers. The
female pandas acquire multiple grins.


"Since when do muppets get bombs?" Ranma asked, fingering his
blackened clothing.
"Since the Mad Bomber, that's who." Ukyo replied, trying to brush
some of the soot out of his shirt. "C'mon. You can take hits all day
but an explosion's another matter, let's get you to the doctor."
Ranma let Ucchan lift him by the arm and support him all the way to
the clinic. They open the door and out comes a roughly man-sized living
top, shrieking and twirling its head as if it was on fire.
The spinning person soon hits a pole an falls down, revealing it to
be a tall muppet with red hair. A much shorter muppet follows it out of
the clinic.
"Thank you, Beakie. Now we know that is definitely the wrong
pressure point."
Ukyo and Ranma blink.
"Uh, are you the doctor?"
The short, bald muppet nods. "Yes, I am Dr. Bunsen Tofu, and this
is my assistant Beaker. What can we do for you?"
Ranma was shaking his head.
"Uh, no, nothing. That's okay."
"Oh, no. Really! You are injured, we must take care of you. C'mon
Beaker! We must prepare the anti-combustion, self-imploding
transmogrification device!"
Eyes wide in horror, Ranma grabs Ukyo's shirt. "Ucchan, before I
die there's just one thing I gotta say..."
"Yes?" Her eyes open fondly.
"Ukyo, I...."

The curtain falls.

Kermit dances out.
"Well, that's it for the Muppets do Ranma 1/2. Our esteemed author
informs me that he would rather die in horrible, gruesome ways
involving Akane's cooking than make this *another* ongoing series.
Hmph, spends too much time on Mirrors, I think. But that's okay! We'll
see you another time. And with any luck we'll be able to invade his

(closing song)