Title: Annoying Snape: The Diary of Merriweather Hapshat (01)
Author name: Lauren Snape
Author email: lauren@slytherin.us
Category: Humor
Sub Category: General
Keywords: annoying severus snape gryffindor slytherin
Rating: PG
Spoilers: SS/PS, CoS, PoA, GoF, FB, QTTA, 301 Ways To Annoy Professor Snape
Summary: Having procured an extensive list of ways to annoy everyone's favorite Potions Master, one industrious student starts a quest to cover them all in her 4th year at Hogwarts. A humorous journey following the escapades of one Merriweather Hapshat. Will she be able to survive Severus Snape's wrath?
DISCLAIMER: This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by JK Rowling, various publishers including but not limited to Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Raincoast Books, and Warner Bros., Inc. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended. I did not write the ways to annoy Snape, in fact I'm not sure who DID. As far as Numairs-Magelet was able to trace it was back to a girl named Grace on WIKTT back in November, but aparently someone sent it to her. And that list had 303 ways, and the one I've received is missing 2 somehow. If any of you have any information on the original author of this list, please please please leave me a note or email me letting me know. You can view the list HERE: http://www.livejournal.com/talkread.bml?journal=ms_merriweather&itemid=412#cutid1
Author notes: I plan on posting this here in 5 entry increments. I actually post a new entry on a daily basis over at livejournal in a diary I've made for Merriweather. You can visit it at the following address: http://www.livejournal.com/users/ms_merriweather

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sunday September 1st, 2002

"5. Hug him. Say you were on strict instructions from Dumbledore to do it."

Ginny spent the majority of breakfast trying to steal the list from me, she thinks I'm going to get myself expelled. But I don't think any of the things on the list are really against the rules. They'll piss him off but there probably won't be much he can do about it.

Besides, if he gives me detention it will just give me a whole new window of time to annoy him in.

I hope to start with one list item a day, then work my way up as necessary. I decided that instead of going straight down my list of things to do I'd just skip around and check things off as I try them.

So today, I decided to go with number 5. Thought it would be a nice intro, especially as I don't even think Professor Snape knows my name.

I sat through potions as I usually do: completely silent. I did my potion, I took my notes, I kept a nice low profile.

I waited till everyone was getting ready to leave. With the hustle and bustle of packing up cauldrons and ingredients, I don't think anyone really noticed me make a beeline for Snape.

I didn't even acknowledge him until I had my arms around him, hugging him tightly. That's when I said "I just wanted to tell you Professor Snape, that I missed you. And Professor Dumbledore told me you looked mighty lonely and that I should give you a hug."

He got really tense. In fact I thought his head may explode. But in the end he just gently pried me off of him.

"Thank you Miss..."

"Hapshat," I told him. "But please, call me Merriweather."

"Right, of course," he said. He sounded very confused. "Thank you Miss Merriweather."

Then he ran like a scared puppy. You'd think the man hadn't been touched in ages. Actually, now that I think about it, he probably hasn't been touched in ages.

At least he knows my name now. I'd better go, Fred and George Weasley are dancing around the common room singing "Merri and Snape Sitting in a Tree" and they definitely need a good hex right about now.

-Merri

Tuesday September 3rd, 2002

"34. Owl him long and detailed accounts of your summer holidays."

I was slightly hesitant about this one, simply because I didn't really do much to write a detailed account about. But I did it and sent it to him yesterday evening after I managed to shut the Twins up. Here's a copy of it:

"Dearest Professor Snape,

How did you enjoy the summer holiday, sir? I had a splendid time. I spent the majority of the first week just lounging about the house and enjoying the fact I didn't have to get up and go to class every morning. Was nice for a while, until my Mum started complaining that I never did anything and started giving me a list of chores to do every week.

Lost its fun after that. I had to do the dishes, and rake the leaves, and paint the front fence. All without magic. Can you imagine. It was ridiculous. Why can't we use magic outside of school? I mean I understand to a point, but do you have any idea how long it takes for you to hand paint a fence?

Mum lightened up after a couple of weeks and stopped with the impossible chores. Mid way through July I went to stay with the Weasley's for a week. You see Ginny Weasley is my best friend in the world. I don't know if you knew that.

I had the best time. Her brother's are such a trip! I don't think I've laughed so much in my life. You should see Fred's impression of you. He puts this ugly wet mop on his head and charms it black and will go around all day taking points off of people, it was bloody hilarious.

Unfortunately, Mrs. Weasley caught him and told him off for ruining her mop.

.... TWO PAGES LATER ....

Well, that was pretty much my summer. Hope your's was as fun as mine, see you in class tomorrow!

Sincerely,
Miss Merriweather Hapshat

I wasn't expecting a response, but he sent the whole thing back!! With a little note added to it that said:

Miss Hapshat,

As entertaining as your account of the summer holiday was, please refrain from Owling me such frivolous nonsense. All correspondence is to be limited to school related questions.

-SS

Honestly, I tried to be nice to the man and all he did was get snippy with me. How rude.

See if I ever Owl him again. Bugger, Lee Jordan just snatched the letter and is giving a loud rendition of it to everyone in the common room. They all think this is splendidly funny I suppose.

Well, alright, it is funny.

-Merri

Wednesday September 4th, 2002

"267. Bake him a cake!"

I have henceforth decided that I hate cooking. If it wasn't for Ginny I would have never succeeded in making a cake at all.

My first attempt ended up burnt and crunchy, but Ginny had her mother send us one of the family cake recipes and we made it from that. Turned out quite nice, Dean helped us ice a Slytherin Crest on the top of it.

Turned out far nicer than I expected, not that Snape apreciated it. Of course not.

See, I snuck into the Great Hall before everyone got there for lunch and left it in front of his chair at the Head Table. I then left and came in with the rest of the Gryffindors.

Headmaster Dumbledore was giving me the oddest look, I think he knows what I'm up to. Well, in truth, what doesn't Dumbledore know thats going on in this school?

Snape was late, as he generally is. Sometimes I wonder if he thinks he's too good to eat with the rest of the school. Other times I wonder if he was just too engrossed in some potion and failed to realize the meal had started. I'm not sure which one is correct. Perhaps I'll never know.

He sat down and looked down at the cake. He narrowed his eyes and started searching up and down our table.

I thought after the hug and the long letter he would certainly realize that it would have been me, but he looked directly at Harry Potter of all people.

As if Harry Potter would bake him a cake?

I guess Snape thinks Harry and his friends are just trying to get under his skin.

Harry just sat there looking blissfully innocent, well, because he was innocent.

Snape just got up, strode over to one of the trash bins in the hall and dropped the cake into it. Then went back and continued with his lunch without another word, or another look at our table.

I already apologized to Harry for any unjust rudeness Snape may show him now. How was I to know that Snape would automatically point the finger at Harry?

I have to go to potions now, I'm considering doing another list Item there, but I'm not sure what sort of mood he's in after the cake...

-Merri

Thursday September 5th, 2002

"59. Clap noisily when he finishes telling someone off."

Well, after the cake incident I was unsure whether it was wise to pick on Snape again but the opportunity arose for this one and I had to take it.

You see, Colin Creevey is in my potions class. And the boy is, pardon my bluntness, hopeless with potions. He can't remember the ingredients. He can't remember what things should be chopped and what should be ground.

It probably doesn't help that Snape paired him with Ardythe Brach, one of the more scary Slytherin girls. She doesn't put up with his nonsense and won't share cauldrons with him, so he's pretty much left to fend for himself.

Sometimes I feel for Snape, having to teach students like Colin all day. People who are bad with potions and are only in the class because they have no choice. Its got to be enough to give you a headache.

Wait, I'm straying from my point. The point is that Colin managed to melt yet another cauldron today. And piled on top of the cake thing I suppose Snape had just had enough for one day.

Usually he'd just growl at Colin and tell him to clean it up, but today he preached.

"You stupid little boy. Can you not get the simplest of potions right? I suppose you put in the crushed elderflower petals before you stirred it counter clockwise three strokes. Can't you read instructions? If you melt one more bloody cauldron in this class you will receive a weeks worth of detentions chiseling the grime out from beneath the toilets in the dungeon lavatory. Do I make myself clear?"

Colin just nodded.

"Now clean this up and get out of my site."

Sensing the opportunity I stood up and started clapping like a mad woman. At first I thought Colin was going to burst into tears, but he started laughing and the next thing you know the whole class was applauding and laughing. I guess I realized then that people just take Snape far too seriously sometimes.

Snape, however, was not too pleased with the new scene.

"This is not a laughing matter!"

But the look on his face just made everyone laugh even harder. He looked so unbelievably annoyed.

In the end he just muttered "Class Dismissed" and strode out of the classroom. Party pooper.

Was enjoyable nonetheless.

Now... anyone know where I can find some copies of "Magical Me", I haven't seen any since old Lockhart lost his mind and everyone found out he was a fraud. They have to be in a bargain bin somewhere, I need some for one of the tasks on the list and I've no idea where to look.

-Merri

Friday September 6th, 2002

"74. Anytime you catch his eye, wink at him."

I didn't have Potions today. Which is probably just as well, because I'm sure that Snape is going to be very harsh with our class after yesterday's stunt. Word of the incident has spread through out the school. The Slytherins, who actually like Snape, have been throwing me dirty looks. Everyone else thinks its the funniest thing in the world. Fred Weasley has accused me of trying to show him up.

Well, I started this task at breakfast. I figured that today I'd have all three meals and any time I passed him in the hall to wink at him and see if he notices.

I tell you though, it took at least 15 minutes of me staring at him during breakfast before he happened to glance my way and I had the chance to wink. He looked away and did a double take so I winked again.

I think he deliberately looked away after that and refused to look back up at me. I don't know if he thought he was imagining it, or if he was hoping that if he didn't act like he noticed I would stop.

Silly man.

I passed him on my way out and winked again, but I didn't hang around to see his reaction that time.

I managed to squeeze 3 winks into lunch, and 2 into dinner before he actually caught up to me.

I was on my way to the Library to see if Madam Pince had any copies of Magical Me and he must have been on his way to the staff room because I ran practically head on into him.

But I had not forgotten my mission of the day, so when I looked up and met his eye, I winked again.

"Miss Hapshat, have you something in your eye?"

"No Professor, what do you mean?" And I winked again.

He was looking quite icy, and quite annoyed. I had to fight the urge to run full tilt to the Library and take refuge behind Madam Pince's desk. But I didn't, even when he was bending over me like an overgrown vulture.

"I don't know what it is you think you are doing, Merriweather Hapshat, but I want it to cease this instant."

I clutched my fists, I stood up straight and looked him straight in those piercing black eyes of his. "Oh lighten up, Sir." And then I winked one final time.

If I thought it looked like his head would explode yesterday, I was wrong. This time it really looked like his head may explode.

"TEN POINTS FROM GRYFFINDOR!" He growled at me. "For your cheek and for your lack of maturity, Miss Merriweather." And off he stalked. (The man never just walks, I swear.)

I hate the way he says my name, as if its a dirty word or something. I just realized I lost a point per wink. I wonder if he planned it that way or if it is coincidence. You never know with him.

Well, the library didn't have any copies of Lockhart's book. But Madam Pince gave me an Owl Order form so I can order copies from Flourish and Blotts. She didn't even ask why I would want them, just gave me the order form and shook her head.

I'm going to check the bookstore in Hogsmeade tomorrow before I send it off, but at least now I know for sure where I can get them.

-Merri