Title: Annoying Snape: The Diary of Merriweather Hapshat (02)
Author name: Lauren Snape
Author email: email@example.com
Sub Category: General
Keywords: annoying severus snape gryffindor slytherin
Spoilers: SS/PS, CoS, PoA, GoF, FB, QTTA, 301 Ways To Annoy Professor Snape
Summary: Having procured an extensive list of ways to annoy everyone's favorite Potions Master, one industrious student starts a quest to cover them all in her 4th year at Hogwarts. A humorous journey following the escapades of one Merriweather Hapshat. Will she be able to survive Severus Snape's wrath?
DISCLAIMER: This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by JK Rowling, various publishers including but not limited to Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Raincoast Books, and Warner Bros., Inc. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended. I did not write the ways to annoy Snape, in fact I'm not sure who DID. As far as Numairs-Magelet was able to trace it was back to a girl named Grace on WIKTT back in November, but aparently someone sent it to her. And that list had 303 ways, and the one I've received is missing 2 somehow. If any of you have any information on the original author of this list, please please please leave me a note or email me letting me know. You can view the list HERE:
Author notes: I plan on posting this here in 5 entry increments. I actually post a new entry on a daily basis over at livejournal in a diary I've made for Merriweather. You can visit it at the following address:
September 8th, 2002
"133. Ask for his autograph."
Fred Weasley dared me to do this one. I was going to wait until I'd worn Professor Snape down some, but Fred claimed I just didn't have the guts to go through with it so I had to do it.
The hardest part was getting the guts up to do it. I decided to have him sign the notebook I put all my Potions notes in. As cheesy as that is.
I caught up with him after lunch, when he was on his way back to the dungeons. I ran down the corridor yelling after him "Professor Snape, Professor Snape... wait up!"
He stopped and looked at me as if he was prepared for the worst.
"Can I help you Miss Hapshat? Or do you intend to wink yourself into detention this time?"
I was quite taken aback by those words. Perhaps I merely thought he had so many students trying to hack him off that he wouldn't really notice that I was doing so.
Perhaps it was due to this that my well-rehearsed spiel failed me at the last moment and I ended up standing there, holding out my Potions' notes, and lamely saying: "Can I have your autograph?"
He looked down at me and blinked a couple times. "Pardon me?"
I thought I was about to die right there on the spot. He was looking down on me as if I was some sort of unpleasant insect that he yearned to smash beneath the heal of his shoe. But I stood my ground, pushed my notebook further toward him, and repeated my request.
I wish I could tell you what was going on in his head at that moment, because his eyes flashed between anger and surprise.
In the end he snatched the notebook from my hand, scribbled his initials on it and shoved it back in my face.
"Now, do remove yourself from my line of sight."
Fred and George owe me ten Galleons.
September 10th, 2002
"76. Call him Severus."
Another day, another fun adventure in Potions.
I actually had to practice for an hour last night reciting his name, its really quite hard to make a switch from saying "Professor Snape" to "Severus". We won't even go into the fact that Severus is probably the strangest first name I have ever heard. Its like his parents wanted him to turn into a sour and bitter individual.
Ginny kept shuddering every time I said it, too. "You are going to get detention," she kept saying.
Maybe I will. He hasn't given me a detention yet, as amazing as that is to me.
Well, class was actually rather quiet and calm today. I was half expecting to have him taking random points from Gryffindor to sooth his sour mood, but I guess he mellowed yesterday as I didn't bother him at all.
We were working on Confusing Concoction, of all things. So perhaps the fumes were just getting to me, but I honestly couldn't get it to thicken the way it is supposed to.
So I raised my hand (rather politely I thought) and waited for him to acknowledge me. When he didn't, I took my chances and said: "Severus, I can't figure out why this looks so watery."
The room went dead silent. I thought Ginny was going to fall off her stool. He did not move from his desk for a moment, he merely looked up from the large Potions volume he'd been mulling over.
"What did you call me, Miss Hapshat?"
"Erm... Professor Snape?"
The next thing I knew he was next to my desk, he tossed a sprinkle of diced shrivelfig into my cauldron.
"You are a promising student Merriweather, and I'd certainly hate to see your grade suffer because of your ridiculous need to get on my last nerve." His face was inches from mine as he said this, and I wanted to just vanish from the spot. "Please refrain from referring to me by my first name in class."
He swept back up to his desk, my head slowly running through what he'd just said.
First of all, was that a compliment? He called me a promising student, and I can't say I've heard him say that to many people. Second, in class? Does that mean I can call him Severus out of class? I'm not entirely sure.
It actually took me a couple minutes to realize that he'd fixed my potion. It was the right thickness, and the right color, and everything. Note to self: mind your shrivelfig measurements from here on out.
I've had so many offers from people who want to buy Snape's autograph. I guess there are more closet Snape fans at Hogwarts then I realized. But I think I'll keep it. I mean, I had to get up the guts to ask him for it. Not to mention its on my Potions' notebook.
September 11th, 2002
"121. Ask him if he fears the sunlight, or is he just naturally pale?"
Potions today was incredibly boring, so I just had to pull this one.
We were brewing a shrinking potion, and its so fairly simple that it wasn't really challenging at all to accomplish. So I just kept mixing and dicing, and chopping, ignoring everyone else.
Finally, once my potion was complete, I raised my hand and waited patiently for him to acknowledge me. He merely nodded in my direction to indicate he was listening.
"Do you fear the sunlight, or are you just naturally so pale?" I asked, calmly.
Ginny hid her face in her hands, muffling a laugh. I remember when we were first reading over this list, she thought this one was an amusing possibility. But I didn't warn her that I'd be pulling it out today.
He blinked at me. "What was that?"
"I asked if you fear the sunlight or-"
"I heard what you asked," he snapped, striding across the room toward me.
"Then why did you ask what I said?" I knew I was pushing his buttons now, his nostrils were flaring dangerously.
"Miss Hapshat, one must start to wonder if you were dropped on your head as a child," he hissed (another Slytherin trait I suppose).
"I suppose its entirely possible," I replied, hiding my smile.
Ginny was doubled over in giggle now, abandoning any attempt she had made to conceal it.
"What are you laughing at, Weasley?" He paused. "DETENTION! Both of you. Tonight at midnight in my dungeon."
That stopped Ginny's giggles for sure, and wiped the smile off of my face as well.
He dismissed the class after that and we all trudged up the stairs to lunch.
He's going to have us doing something disgusting, I know he is. And I think Ginny is mad at me now.
On the bright side, the look on his face was beyond priceless. I really need to invest in one of those Muggle cameras so that I can capture all of these moments on film.
You know, there must be something I can pull on him during detention. I just hope it doesn't cause him to completely snap.
September 12th, 2002
"213. Sigh loudly whenever he walks away from you."
Ginny and I arrived at Professor Snape's office at midnight on the dot. Gin wanted to head out about twenty minutes early, but I was fairly sure that Snape was just as likely to punish us for being early as for being late.
He seemed almost surprised to see us, as if he'd completely forgotten that he'd given us detention. Not that that stopped him from giving us lovely work to do.
Basically, he set us to cleaning every damn cauldron in the Potions room. Which, basically, was what I'd expected.
He gave us jugs of cleaning solution and metal scrub brushes and told us to get working and went to return to his desk. I sighed... loudly.
And I'm not talking an exasperated "God, I hate him" sigh. I'm talking a lovesick "That's the man I'm going to marry" sigh.
He didn't say anything. Hell, he didn't even turn around. Just proceeded calmly to his desk and sat to grade papers.
Which was, needless to say, very disappointing. So I just started scrubbing and hoped he'd come back near us to check on our progress. Ginny kept throwing me dark looks.
I swear, that girl has no guts at all. She knew what I was up to and wanted me to stop. But how could I pass up such a golden oportunity to mess with my favorite Potions teacher?
I'll tell you though, if I never have to touch a scrub brush ever again, I'll die a happy girl.
He did come check on our progress. Once. And I sighed again. He sort of stopped when I did it, and paused. I could see him clenching and un-clenching his fist by his side.
He dismissed us shortly after that.
"Miss Hapshat, I would like a word with you before you return to the dorms," he said, as we were nearly out the door. Ginny gave me this worried look but I just whispered for her to go on.
I sat at the chair across from his desk and waited for the bomb to explode.
"I just would like to know why on earth you feel the need to try my patience?"
I pasted on what I hope was my best innocent look and tried to look perplexed when I said "I don't know what you mean, Professor."
He just stared at me a moment. I think he was sizing me up, trying to determine if i was really as innocent as I was acting. In the end I think he decided I wasn't.
"I have my eye on your, Merriweather Hapshat," he hissed. "I will find out what you are up to. Now get out of my sight."
Harumph. How rude.
September 13th, 2002
"4. Sneak up behind him and shout 'Your robes are on fire!'"
I'm still trying to catch my breath. I don't think I've ever run so fast in all my life. I knew this one was going to be risky, so I was prepared to flee.
Ginny fled ahead of time. She saw him coming down the hall and diverted away from me. Probably a smart thing, as I'd hate for her to end up with another detention that she doesn't really deserve.
He'd come out of the Staffroom and seemed to be heading towards the Great Hall. It's lunchtime now, so that is probably why.
I crept behind him as quietly as I could, a couple of other students gave me the oddest looks. But no one said anything, thankfully.
I waited till I was close enough to touch him before leaping into it.
I sort of shoved him in the back and shouted "Your robes are on fire!".
There was a moment of hesitation in which he looked so furious I knew the only thing I could do was book it.
And even when I did he tried to grab my arm and pull me back.
"FIFTEEN POINTS FROM GRYFFINDOR!" he shouted after me. "You stupid little girl."
I wanted to go back and tell him off for calling me stupid, but I knew it was a bad idea.
Fred and George just came in and told me they saw it all.
"He looked mad as bloody hell," George said. "Good show indeed."
"I think he may have strangled you if you'd stayed any longer," Fred said. "Mind if we take a look at that list?"
They say they want to put me on a task schedule. And though I must say they probably have a better sense of comedic timing I don't know how much I trust them to tell me which ones to do when.
But I copied the list and gave it to them anyways.
P.S. - I just realized it's Friday the thirteenth. Maybe it wasn't such a good idea to give them that list?