Chapter 3: Blood Gulch Invasion

"Um," Grif pointed with a shaky finger up above at the sky. His voice cracked with cowardice and yet he stood frozen in one spot from fear. "Muffins, what are you doing with that?"

The huge shadow that covered the whole canyon belonged to a roaring sound in the skies. The UNSC battleship Esetora descended and with it came several Pelicans. Grif looked all around at the frozen bodies. "Sarge, what's the plan?"

"Men, we have the perfect scenario of having the odds stacked against us," Sarge answered with Simmons fully agreeing. "Now I know this may seem like a lot but I am sure that if we commission Lopez to build us a Grif cannon, we can get through this."

"I don't see how that would help our situation," argued Wash with a voice of support from Grif. Sarge shook his shoulders. "I thought it would be fun."

"Great, do we have any serious suggestions?" Grif pondered resting his visor against his palm. Muffins let out another laugh, this time though it was quite sinister. "Do not waste your time with this hommies. Instead enjoy the few moments you have left."

The Pelicans landed one by one and opened their bay doors. Several soldiers exited bearing arms and chanting a few words to paint Muffins in an empowering position. The invaders surrounded the Blood Gulch Crew and aimed their weapons at them. Muffins stepped to the front line. "Just surrender and make this easier on yourselves."

"I don't understand why you would do this," Simmons asked taking a step back. He is crazy, but being this crazy is taking it to a whole new level. Muffins was not blind to the reality around him as deranged as he may seem sometimes. "I can't afford to leave one of the biggest threats to my mission free to do as they please now can I?"

"Biggest threats? Dude, we are terrible at being soldiers," Tucker argued. Muffins laughed once again wondering if Tucker was being serious or not. "I think I will beg to differ ja. Now, my cute and handsome soldiers, please bring them to me alive. And no heads on a silver platter please."

A soldier in black armor stepped forward and announced. "Man enough of this talk. Imma gonna get up all in this action!"

"Well, I can see we are starting out with your stereotypical black guy," Grif noted before he hid behind Simmons upon infuriating the soldier. "Let's see how you talk after I am done with you racist boy!"

"To the sweet delicious victory that is muffins!" shouted another soldier from within the pack and the rest cheered. Wash planted his face in his palm with a heavy sigh. "Why is it that we can't seem to ever go a long time without getting wrapped up in some conflict?"

"Things just wouldn't be normal around here then," Tucker joked as he drew his rifle alongside his comrades. Washington shook his head. "I wouldn't mind for that other type of normal. There is only so much a man can take."

"Still, you guys did come knocking down our doors. As your hosts we don't take that too kindly," Sarge drew his shotgun and aimed it at Muffins' army. They could all hear a laugh break out from within the enemy forces. "You lot are going to fight against our numbers?"

"Meh, we have fought worse," Simmons reloaded his rifle and bunched up with his group. Grif could only imagine it as he felt a sting travel through his groin. "Yeah, like that time we fought all those Tex drones."

"Oh yea, that was awesome!" Tucker ecstatically replied. "Seeing you getting punched in the nuts by three of them is always entertaining."

Grif held up a middle finger towards the aqua soldier both with simple disdain and love. "Thanks, jerk."

"Um, so are we just going to talk all day or are we fighting?" one of the soldiers asked rubbing the back of his head as he looked around. "Like seriously, what is the plan, guys?"


Suddenly, several of the enemy soldiers were blasted away. Everyone looked at the stampeding footsteps headed their way. Sheila pummeled her way through the soldiers. With increasing time came the increase in her speed and power. Many of the soldiers began to scramble, even at the orders of Muffins none would stand their ground against the metal machine of death and doom.

"Oh ja, why don't you all just run away and leave your dear leader to face the mean machine lady alone?" Muffins threw up his arms in frustration and embarrassment at the cowardice his soldiers portrayed. Suddenly all of them started to bump past Muffins as if to take that as a sign of approval from their leader himself. "I was just kidding you babies!"

Muffins watched one Pelican rise up into the air, and it was instantly shot down by Sheila. Muffins slapped his forehead with his palm leaving a very red spot of idiocracy. "I knew I should have compromised to splurge out a little more cash to the more experienced soldiers. This is what you get by working with complete newbies, wunderbar!"

"This is supposed to be the invading force?" Tucker quickly withdrew his weapon at the joke of an invasion that this was. Caboose saw another Pelican trying to launch and waved goodbye to them. Doc suddenly came running out of his cave and into the canyon. "Holy crap guys, you would not believe the loud sound I heard!"

"We already know," Simmons pointed up at the sky prompting Doc to look up and be frozen in awe. "Holy crap…"


"Get back here twig soldiers!" Muffins stomped his foot on the ground. "That is an order from your dear fuhrer!"

"Fuck that man, ain't no job worth getting crushed by a killer robot lady!"

"Guess we don't have anything to fear then," Grif crossed his arms and looked towards Washington. He looked towards Sheila and gave the order to stop firing at the Pelicans. "Let them go Sheila, as long as they don't go around shooting at us then we won't fight."

"As you wish Agent Washington."

"If you don't fight, then no banana pudding after dinner in the mess hall tonight!" Muffins shouted at the top of his lungs so that everyone in the canyon and above could hear him. The Pelican all stopped in mid-air and slowly turned around. The pilots reconsidered the whole plan and activated the speakers. "No pudding for just the soldiers right?"

"I mean EVERYONE!"

The Pelicans immediately descended and the pilots looked back giving a thumb up to the soldiers. "Go get em' team!"

"You seriously landed this bird for some pudding?!" several of the soldiers began shouting in anger. But the pilots stood their ground. "This isn't any pudding! It is the most delicious pudding of them all."

The Pelicans were silent. There was no noise in the seating area as they tried to process the words their pilots spoke. Were these the words of a sane man? Probably not, but it was clear that the pilots were driven by the desperation known as pudding! One of the soldiers raised their hand to speak and said. "Yeah, we are all going fucking die here for just some pudding. It was great knowing you guys, ah who am I kidding, I hardly knew you ha!"

Washington could not help but face palm again with the loud raging thought of. "You all came back down because some pudding was on the line? Well if it's pudding that you want, then we will give them to you in the form of led!"

"That's the spirit!" Muffins was happy to see the invasion back on track again. The soldiers all exited the Pelicans in low spirits, and they held their guns with weak conviction. The Blood Gulch Crew again prepared their weapons for the fight that is to come.


A/N: I tried to keep things more on the comedic side with the invasion so far. Although expect some more action in the next chapter. But then again, it is so hard to stay out of the light hearted territory with Muffins :P. Hope you are all enjoying this new entry so far.

Leave some feedback if you fancy :). Hope to catch you all in the next chapter.

~ Monty