Disclaimer: I do not own Hellsing, or the characters therein. I am only using them for my own amusement. Do not sue me, as you will only end up with dust bunnies and spider webs from underneath my bed.

As this is a humor-centered story, some of the characters may be a bit 'out of character' but I will try to keep the OOC to a minimum.


New Orders
By
192344531


Integral watched as the two messengers from Her Majesty, the Queen, left her office. She stared long and hard at the sealed orders they had given her. "New orders." She replied as she finally decided to break the seal.

She had to read it twice before she believed her eyes as to what it said: "Sir Integral Wingates Hellsing, in accordance with the Knights of the Round Table, Her Royal Majesty, the Queen of England, hereby orders you to produce an heir in order to maintain your position at the head of the Round Table Conference."

Instinctively she reached for a cigar. "Damn it!" She grumbled. She had run out and had not had the opportunity to get more. She called for Walter.

Within moments the loyal Hellsing family retainer answered her call. Before he could respond, Integral spoke.

"Walter, I need a drink."

Walter bowed. "I will get you some tea."

Integral glared at him.

"Some wine?"

Integral's glare was piercing.

"I understand." Walter responded bowing once more taking note of the empty cigar tin as well and left.


Alucard opened his coffin and stretched out his long limbs. It was a full moon tonight. The freaks were sure to be out and there would be a mission. He was sure of it. He could sense that his master was annoyed. But then she was always annoyed. He so enjoyed tormenting her. He decided however to go up to the roof. He would let his master stew a bit before subjecting her to his nightly torment.

Something down by the gates of the Hellsing Manor caught the vampire's attention. A motor scooter? Rarely did they receive guests at the manor, and when they did, they certainly did not ride motor scooters.

Walter closed the door and nearly ran into the vampire who was suddenly behind him. "Sir Integral is not in the best of moods this evening. It would be in your best interest not to torment her this evening." He replied as he walked past the vampire.

"Me? Torment Integra?" Alucard teased.

Walter was unaffected by the toothy grin of the vampire and went about his way.

Alucard thought about going to see his master, but there was the full moon to consider. Seras Victoria told him that when the master was in a foul mood she tended to take it out on the troops. It often wasn't good for morale, especially with all the new recruits. If there was going to be a mission tonight and he had no doubt that there would be he would have his opportunity to 'bother' his master.


When Walter reentered Integral's office, she was still sitting at her desk staring at the Royal orders. Walter set the drink done in front of her.

Integral put the orders down and picked up the drink. She downed the amber colored liquid in one gulp and then started choking. She slammed the glass down on her desk. "Good God, Walter! What the hell was that?!" she gasped.

"Whiskey," Walter replied. "Oh, and I noticed that you were out of cigars and took the liberty of getting you some more."

Integral looked up at Walter through her watering eyes as he placed two tins of her favorite cigars on the desk. "Thank you," she responded in almost a whisper, as her throat still burned from the whiskey going down.

As Integral expertly opened one of the cigar tins Walter asked what was troubling her. He assumed that it had to have been the visit from the Royal messengers but he couldn't be completely certain.

Integral lit her cigar and then handed Walter the document she had received. "New orders from Her Majesty," Integral replied clinching her cigar in her teeth.

Walter was almost afraid to look at what the document said. He didn't have to as Integral continued.

"I've been ordered to produce an heir." She replied.

"Oh my." Walter replied reading the document Integral handed to him. It was indeed from the Queen, and just as Integral said, she was being ordered to produce an heir. No wonder, he thought, she needed a drink.

Integral looked at Walter. "'Oh my.' Is that all you have to say, Walter?" she asked.

"Well, this comes as quite a shock, but I guess we should have seen this coming sooner or later." Walter responded.

Integral lowered her head into her hands, letting her usual defenses down. "What am I going to do, Walter? I am a Hellsing. I can't just go to the nearest sperm bank and tell them to impregnate me."

"Is that such a bad idea?" Walter asked.

"My child will be a Hellsing. He or she will have to carry on the family honor and tradition, Walter. I should like to know where this child comes from." Integral replied.

"Well, then, you must go out on a date." Walter replied.

"What? I don't know the first thing about dating!" Integral responded with a grumble.

"Trial by fire then." Walter replied. "Would you like some help in setting up your first date?"

Integral took a long drag of her cigar and let out the smoke in a long sigh. "What else am I to do?" she replied. "Make it so, Walter."

Just then the phone rang. The freaks were on a rampage. It was time to dispatch the troops. Duty called.



Notes: please don't flame me. This is my first Hellsing story... please review and tell me what you think...

Next Chapter: Integral's first date!