She Who Was My Love Chapter 32
Fall to pieces
This is good. This is good, I can tell Tara that things are better between Buffy and Faith and she won't leave me.
I go into my room and I feel like my heart is gonna get ripped apart.
"Tara? What's going on?"
There's a suitcase on the bed and clothes all around it. Tara looks like she's been crying.
"I... I have to go."
"Go? Go where?"
She finally looks at me for the first time in days.
"You, you know why."
"Tara I'm sorry. I don't know how many times I have to say it before you know I mean it. I know what I did was wrong. I knew it before I did the spell, but I did it anyway. But things are better now, I think, and if they aren't completely better yet then they're at least heading in the right direction. You should've seen the two of them today, they look... happier."
She starts putting her clothes in the suitcase.
"This isn't about them anymore. This is about me... and you."
"I thought this was about what I did."
"It is... and it isn't."
"Tara, you're not making any sense."
"A long time ago, I made a promise to... s-someone, someone very important to me. I promised I'd never use magic f-for the wrong reason, and that's what I did when we resurrected Buffy."
"When I resurrected Buffy you mean. You weren't the one who did the spell."
"I was there. I was a part of it. And I ignored every instinct I had about the spell to do so. What kind of person am I that would do that?"
I walk up to her and she stops packing to take a few steps back.
"You're a good person Tara. You're a kind and gentle person, with an incredible heart, the heart that made me fall in love with you."
"That's, actually one of the problems."
"Tara, don't say that."
She takes a deep breath. I can feel the tears coming as she keeps speaking.
"The reason I ignored all my instincts and morals, was you. Because I loved you so much and wanted to trust in you, but we weren't doing the right thing, and I knew that. I knew that and I still let it happen. I don't know that I can be with someone who would do that. I love you so much I'd do anything for you and, I don't know why but that scares me more than I'd like."
I fall to my knees and put my arms around her. The tears start flowing.
"Tara, don't leave me. Please don't leave me baby."
Her hand reaches down and touches my head. Her breathing starts catching in her throat like she's holding back from crying.
I look up at her, tears in my eyes.
"I love you, nothing will ever change that. I just, don't know who I am anymore. Until I know, I think I have to be alone."
"Tara please, we can work this out."
She pulls my arms from around her and kneels in front of me.
"And we will..."
Her lips touch mine gently.
"One day we will..."
"Don't leave me Tara."
"I'll come back to you Willow. My sweet Willow..."
She pulls me into her arms and I hold on to her as if my life depended on it, because it does.
"Nothing will ever make me stop loving you... NOTHING..."
A tear rolls down her cheek as she stands up and takes a deep breath. All I can do is try to keep from falling apart as I stand myself up.
"Where would you go?"
She starts packing again and I turn away.
I can't watch this happening again.
"I don't know exactly. Home, maybe? My 20th birthday is coming up."
"What does that have to do with...?"
"I need to go somewhere I can be alone. Think things through."
No... no, I won't let this happen, not again. First Oz, now Tara.
"So what, you're just gonna give up on us? Give up on everything we have? Why?"
"I haven't given up on us. I've given up on me. I've given up on the person I thought I was. Now I have to find out who it is I've become."
She throws a few more things into her suitcase and then locks it. She puts her arms around my neck and kisses me deeply and passionately, tears flowing with restraint. No sooner do our lips part then she picks up her suitcase and heads to the door.
She stops and looks back at me.
"I love you..."
It takes her a moment to fight back the tears we both know are coming.
"I... love you t-too."
She lingers on her words for a few moments and then, she turns and leaves. I sit down on the bed, head in my hands and just let the tears flow.
She's gone, Tara's gone. I wanted her to stay. I would've begged even harder if I thought it would've made a difference, but it wouldn't have and that just makes everything so much worse. Knowing that there was nothing I could've done or said to keep her from leaving me. I couldn't make her love me enough to stay with me and work things out. She said she loves me but how can I believe her when she left me? I can't... but I want to. I love her, even if she doesn't love me back. I'll love her, even if I never ever see her again.
"I... I don't believe it."
"I didn't really want to believe it at first either. But I think it's true..."
"If it is true then we must find a way to protect her from this woman."
I knew Giles would understand.
"We must discover what she wants with Dawn."
"They sent her to me to protect her, and I'm going to. I don't care if my memories are fake, I still remember them. I still love her like a sister."
"We will find a way to keep her safe, I promise."
I let out a deep breath.
He smiles at me for a moment before getting pensive face.
"Have you thought about, telling her?"
"Dawn? I, no, she'd freak. I can't tell her, not yet."
"No, not Dawn. Though I do think you'll have to tell her at some point, there's someone else you should tell."
I lower my eyes as I know who he's talking about.
"She has a right to know the truth about Dawn. She must be a part of this."
"No, no I can't... she, she wouldn't understand."
"She was willing to kill me to save me. How do I know she won't kill Dawn to save the world?"
"I can't. I won't put Dawn's life in danger."
"Dawn's life is already in danger. And more to the point, you don't know what Faith would do Buffy. She cares very deeply for Dawn. She has for many years even if she wouldn't admit it."
"Except that she hasn't. We don't know how long Dawn has actually been here. It might've only been a few months, or weeks, or even days."
"But you remember her for longer than that."
"As does Faith, she may choose the same path you have."
"But she might not. I can't take that risk."
I don't have a response to that.
"Buffy, are you sure this is about protecting Dawn?"
"Perhaps your inability to tell Faith stems not from wanting to keep Dawn safe but from fear that you can't trust Faith?"
"What? I, no I trust Faith it's just... we haven't always confided in each other but... I trust her."
"The way you trusted her when you found her over Riley's body? Or the way you trusted her enough to tell her the truth about where you were when you had passed on?"
"Well I... I had every reason to believe Faith killed him. I found her over his body with his blood on her hands."
"But when she told you she didn't do it, you wouldn't believe her."
"I, what the hell was I supposed to think?"
"This isn't about what you thought. This is about what you were or weren't willing to believe. You weren't willing to consider the idea that Faith didn't kill Riley."
"So what? Why does it matter?"
"Because you have a problem trusting Faith and until you address that I don't think you should decide whether or not to tell Faith the truth about Dawn."
I look Giles in the eyes and take a deep breath.
"Maybe you're right..."
He smiles at me.
"But I can't just, tell her. I can't just go out there and say 'Hey guess what?' you know?"
"Perhaps not but I think you owe it to yourself and to Faith as well to find a way to tell her at some point."
My head drops into my hands.
"That's something I can't tell you."
I should ask him. I've been meaning to ask him since I've been back.
"Why didn't you stop them?"
He just looks at me for a few moments before standing, as if to start pacing.
"Willow and the gang..."
He walks over to his bookcase, moves it gently aside to reveal a safe which he begins to open. He unlocks it and pulls out a book.
Why would he lock a book in a, safe? Is that what I think it is?
He comes over and puts the golden colored book down on the coffee table in front of me.
"The, Book of Karameth?"
"In my own personal quest to help Faith I attempted to translate the rest of the text for guidance. Perhaps to find a way to comfort Faith in her time of need."
"It doesn't make specific references to anything, but it does imply many hardships will befall those mentioned in the prophecy over a large period of time. And the two of you were only together a matter of weeks before the fight with Omega, so when I heard about the resurrection spell..."
I get it, sorta.
"You didn't interfere."
"I knew that whatever happened was meant to. As were any consequences."
Consequences, like Dawn?
"My active involvement in the events, might only have served to change them in any number of ways. So while I believe the spell Willow cast was against the very laws of nature and that there could be very serious repercussions, I felt I should leave the decision up to someone else."
"She may not be impartial but she is your mother, and therefore would instinctively do what's best for you, and for Faith. Much in the way you must do what's best for Dawn, and for your relationship with Faith."
"You're right... you're right I should tell her."
I stand up and turn to the door to the living room. I walk up to the door.
"There is no need to rush into it. Take your time, wait until you are ready."
"No I... I should tell her before I lose my nerve."
I open the door and go out into the living room.
"Hey Buffy, everything okay?"
I look around before answering Xander's question.
"Yeah, it's all good. Where's Faith?"
"She left. Said she got tired of waiting for you and decided to go patrolling. If you want you can catch her at the Mansfield Cemetery, she said she'd be in that area tonight."
"Oh... okay, I probably should. Did you guys find anything?"
"You mean in the exactly 30 minutes we've been on the case?"
Giles comes up behind me and puts his hand on my shoulder.
"There's no need for sarcasm Xander. We'll find something, don't worry. You should go."
I look back at Giles and smile.
"Thanks, I will. I'll see if I can find Faith, maybe see if she and I can take apart this demon chick."
He takes his hand off my shoulder to clean his glasses.
"Perhaps, but be careful. We don't know anything about her yet."
I head to the door.
"Let me know if you find anything?"
I leave and go find Faith.
Giles is right, I need to talk to Faith about Dawn at some point. But when? And why didn't she wait for me? I have to find her.
End of Chapter 32