Chapter 1
Author's note: Hello. I am an educated human being. I am not new to this fan fiction thing but I believe that it is the answer to a problem I have encountered. I read a fanfic called Hogwarts School of Prayer and Miracles. It is my opinion that this is a troll fic (if you don't believe me then read all the way until the final chapter.). However, it is still possible that it is not a parody. I decided to share this with all the other people who have read the aforementioned work. So-Ta da! Here it is! I am SO excited to share this with all of you! Without further ado-
Once upon a time, there was a little boy named Harry Potter who lived under the stairs in a house on Privet Drive with his aunt and uncle. Harry was an obedient boy who did his chores, but sometimes he felt that he didn't quite fit in in his household. You see, Harry's Aunt Petunia and his Uncle Vernon were Christians. The only book Harry was allowed to read was the Bible and every Sunday they would take Harry to church and force him to pray to God. Harry didn't mind too much, although he had heard of evolution at school and wanted to learn more about it but he was too scared to ask the Dursleys. They would think such matters unholy. Just as he was thinking about his situation, he heard a knock on the door.
"Answer the door Harry." Aunt Petunia barked. Petunia was a thin woman with curly blonde hair who wore lots of make up because she believed in looking good for her husband. She never did anything without his permission. Uncle Vernon was a large man who was watching the bread baking in the oven for them to eat with their wine. He wore a large cross around his neck.
Harry was an obedient boy so he answered the door by turning the brass doorknob and pulling open the heavy door.
On the porch was a huge muscular man with a large beard and wearing a heavy coat. He was the kind of person that Petunia would dislike. However, Harry harbored no such prejudices and had no opinion of the man just yet. He smiled kindly at Harry.
"You must be Harry Potter," he said in a gravelly voice. "My name is Hagrid. May I speak to your mother and father?" he continued.
"I don't have a mother and father," said Harry forlornly. He thought of how sometimes he missed his parents, but decided that in the end all he could do was make the most of his own life.
"I am sorry to hear that," said Hagrid sympathetically.
"You can speak to my Aunt and Uncle," suggested Harry enthusiastically. He was most interested in what Hagrid was going to say.
"What do you want?" asked Aunt Petunia suspiciously, narrowing her eyes and peering out of the doorway. She was wearing an apron over her dress because she had been cooking in the kitchen, an occupation she believed to be perfectly suited to women.
"Hello. I have come to offer your nephew here a scholarship for a school," replied Hagrid, unphased by Petunia's hostile attitude.
"I hope it is a good Christian non-government school where the boy can get a proper Christian education," she snarled.
"No," began Hagrid, "it is not. It is a secular government school where we teach a variety of disciplines and philosophies including evolution." Harry admired Hagrid's tolerance of his aunt. He wondered why Petunia and Vernon could not be so tolerant ….
Aunt Petunia laughed and clutched a cross that also hung around her own neck. "We are too smart for that. Haven't you read the Bible? Evolution is not real. God created all the plants and animals just as they are. Besides, evolution is only a theory!"
"What exactly is evolution?" asked Harry quietly, staring down at the neatly vacuumed carpet and his own scruffy feet.
"Evolution explains the process of the change undergone by different kinds of organisms based on changes in their environment. It is a theory first proposed by Darwin and Wallace. In science we have a stricter definition of a theory, one that does not exactly correspond to the definition of the term colloquially." said Hagrid.
Aunt Petunia smacked her hands over Harry's ears, in a vain attempt to shield him from what Hagrid was saying. She employed her most sickly sweet voice and said, "Now listen here. Harry doesn't need to learn any of this. He has a nice Christian life. He has the Bible and psalms and Jesus. I have a very nice copy of the Bible, I can lend to you if you like."
Hagrid chuckled to himself wisely. "You can have your own opinions but we are offering this scholarship to Harry, and it is his choice whether he accepts it or not," he argued reasonably.
Harry looked up at Hagrid. He felt happy that he had been given the power to make decisions about his own life and felt a rush of gratitude towards the enormous man. He did quite enjoy science class at school and would be quite interested to learn more about evolution, in a supportive environment where he would be encouraged to form his own opinions based on scientific evidence and data. It would be better to learn there than in his aunt and uncle's household where his personal views would be belittled and ridiculed.
"I want to go to the school," he said calmly to Hagrid who smiled down at him.
"Good choice," he replied.
"I want to learn about evolution," continued Harry.
"Well," replied Hagrid, "a good place to learn about that is at Hogwarts School of Evolution."
Author's Note: SO what do you all think? I may not be a professional writer, but I think I will develop the talent to pull this off in service of a greater mission.