Topper Meets The Cenobites

(Scene: Cosmo Topper, an older gentleman, is sitting comfortably in his living room in an easy chair when his wife enters.)

Topper: "Hello Darling, and how was your tour of the consignment shops?"

Henrietta: "Enjoyable as always, Sweetheart. I brought home a few knick-knacks, and even a small gift for you. Here, isn't this box most unusual, and just look at the workmanship!(Hands Topper a small box)

Topper: "Thank you, Dear. Why, this appears to be a puzzle box! Most unusual indeed, I've never seen anything quite like it."

Henrietta: "I'm sure you'll figure it out. Well, I must be off to help plan the ladies' luncheon."

Topper: "Very well, Dear. Do have a good day!" (Henrietta exits; Topper pries on the puzzle box, causing part of it to rise, turn, and then reseat itself. The room visibly darkens...)

Pinhead: "WHY HAVE YOU SUMMONED US?"

Topper: (startled). "Good heavens, man! Have you had some kind of accident?"

Pinhead: "We are explorers in the worlds of pain and pleasure."

Female Cenobite: "But mostly pain..."

Pinhead: "We have such...things to show you!"

Topper: "Well actually, I think I'd rather not, if it's all the same to you."

Chattering Cenobite: (makes tapping sounds)

Topper: (alarmed) "Help! George, Marion!"

George Kerby: "Topper, old man...did you call?"

Topper: "I seem to have a bit of a sticky wicket here..."

George: "So it would appear. (to Pinhead) Listen, my sadomasochistic friend, this old man is ours!"

Pinhead: "I'll tear your soul apart!"

Marion Kerby: "Since we're already dead, that's really not on the table. Love your look, however."

Neal: (the St. Bernard) "Woof!"

George: "So be a good explorer from another dimension, and just go."

Marion: "And take your chains and hooks with you. The election is over!"

George: "Yeah, we all lost. Care for a martini for the road?"

Pinhead: "Dare you mock a Lord of Hell?!"

Marion: "Sweetheart, Donald Trump's going to be president. There's little scarier than that."

George: (hoisting glass) "Cheers, old man! But I like your style..." (Re-arranges puzzle box; blue sparks fly out of it, and Pinhead and company vanish with frustrated cries)

Topper: "That was really something..."

Marion: "Yeah, he had that certain 'je ne sais quoi'..."

George: "And next time, Cosmo, talk to us before you try to break through to another dimension."

Topper: "Yes, well, I prefer my haunts to be the humorous and familiar type."

Marion: "I'm the ghostess with the mostest!"

George: "And I'm that most sporty spirit!"

Topper: "And I'm the host to said ghosts!"

George: "Look! We're smoking cigarettes! We'd soon be dead if we weren't already so!"

Marion: "I'd walk a mile for a Camel..."

Neil: "Woof!" (Laps a martini sitting on the floor; all laugh.)

(George Kerby tosses the puzzle box out an open window where it falls a short distance away. Unseen by Topper and his haunts, something scaled with leathery wings picks up the puzzle box in its talons, shrieks, and flies off with it. The next day, the puzzle box is again for sale in the consignment shop where Henrietta Topper bought it...)