This is it, the very end of this wild story. It was fun. I had fun, at least. I've grown quite attached to my female Merlin. She's got some spunk.
The Final Countdown
(to Merlyn's decision)
This was it. The final day. The day where destinies would be broken, and fate be decided. The armies of Camelot and its enemies had gathered at Camlann, and Morgana had only one thing to say...
"How the hell did Mordred get my army of Saxons to follow him?!"
It was true. For Arthur would not be facing his evil psychotic half-sister, but rather, Mordred, the boy playing at being a man, trying to steal his woman. (Who at this point had broken down into frustrated tears, screamed at the lot of them, and joined Morgana on the sidelines. Girls gotta stick together, man)
On the side of Camelot, most of the knights weren't even paying attention. Elyan and Gwaine were taking bets on who would win in a fight: Gwen and her silver jug, or Gaius with his Eyebrow of Doom. Leon and Percival were having a deep, philosophical discussion about the judgement of wearing leather (how much was too much, and is it even acceptable at all?), and all the other, nameless, faceless dudes were circulating between getting drunk, taking naps, and gambling away all their life's savings.
The Saxons weren't much better. A lot of them were wondering why they were following some random kid who still had baby fat, and those that weren't were wondering if they left the stove on. Many had dissolved into arguing over the merits of working for a powerful, intimidating, but ultimately psycho and will probably kill them if they mess up sorceress, versus a small, not-yet-of-age boy who was kind of pathetic looking, but at least he wouldn't kill them if they didn't bring him the correct number of tarts. A few of the logical ones were questioning why they were even following these people in the first place, and defected from the army along with several of Camelot's knights to move to Ireland and get drunk (Kara offered a discount to anybody who also hated Arthur and/or Morgana and/or Mordred).
Meanwhile, Arthur and Mordred were shouting insults at each other over the battlefield (where no actual battle was taking place).
"You're nothing but a petulant, pathetic child who's barely out of diapers!" Arthur called, feeling quite proud of himself for using big words such as 'petulant' and 'pathetic' and 'of.'
Mordred, knowing he must defend his honor, shouted back, "I know you are but what am I!"
"Oh my god…" (The response from Gwen, who has joined Merlyn and Morgana on the sidelines to repeatedly smack their hands to their foreheads in frustration and utter disbelief)
"So this is what's been happening in Camelot while I was plotting?" Morgana asked, not sure if she should laugh or cry or just smite them all now.
"Pretty much," Merlyn answered, popping the 'P' and drawling the 'much' (my docs say that 'drawling' isn't a word, and wonders if I mean 'drawing,' but no, I mean drawling).
"And you're trying to protect these idiots...why?"
"I honestly don't know anymore." Merlyn had a sad, defeated look on her face as she said, "I've given up on life. I just don't care anymore. Kill them Morgana. Kill them all. I just might help you. You, me, and Gwen will create an empire ruled by women, and Gwaine, Leon, Percival, and Elyan will be our consorts, and we'll never have to listen to Mordred and Arthur argue again."
"Amen to that," Gwen sighed dreamily. "Can you bring Lancelot back to life? If not, then I call dibs on Gwaine."
"No way, I've got Gwaine," Merlyn glared at her. "You can have Leon."
"No, I want Leon!" Morgana grumbled at her.
"Well, then that just leaves me with Percival!" Gwen complained, glancing over at the large knight. "Actually," she mused as she looked him over. "Percival's fine."
"What do we do with Elyan then?"
"Wait, he's still alive?"
"Yeah, Gwen never married Arthur in this universe, which means no Taking the Queen to Isengard, which means no dead Elyan," Merlyn explained.
"We'll just leave him then," Gwen decided. "Everyone forgets him anyway. I mean, he's my own brother and I kind of forgot he existed."
The other two women hummed their agreement as Mordred and Arthur continued their bickering. It was getting pretty heated. They'd finished with the 'you're so fat' jokes and had moved on to 'your momma.' This section was particularly cruel, considering neither of them had a mother (I'm just assuming Mordred has no mom, 'cause if he did then she would've totally scolded him for joining the evil, psychotic witch). Anyway, after every joke (completely pathetic and pre-school level), both boys would break down into tears, share a 'manly' hug, and moan about their lost mommys. It was extremely entertaining, if a little sad to watch.
"Life would've been so much easier if I were just born a man," Merlyn sighed dramatically. "Then Arthur could've married Gwen, and Mordred could've married Kara (or, y'know, go on an insane quest of revenge when Arthur executes her for a completely valid reason and complete the self-fulfilling prophecy of him being evil with Morgana), and then I could've, I dunno, married Mithian or something."
"Why Mithian?" Gwen asked.
"'Cause Freya's dead, you're taken, and Morgana's evil."
"I'm not taken…"
Merlyn rolled her eyes. "Weren't you listening? If I were born a man, you'd be with Arthur. So, taken."
Gwen frowned. "How 'bout we just bring Lancelot back from the dead?"
"Alright, fine," Merlyn grumbled. "I'll call up the Winchesters…"
They were interrupted when Arthur suddenly came crashing down only a few feet away. "See!" Mordred called triumphantly, hand still raised and eyes fading from gold to their normal blue. "We both have magic! We belong together!"
"Like hell you do!" Arthur roared right back, jumping to his feet and growling, "Our relationship has been growing for years! I'm her king, and she is my queen!"
"Oh, you've got to be kidding me…"
"She's mine!" Mordred yelled.
"No, she's mine!" Arthur shouted in return.
Merlyn was about to interfere, when the last person she'd thought would help suddenly stepped up. "That's enough, both of you!" Morgana yelled, glaring at the two of them. "Merlyn doesn't belong to anyone! She's her own person, and she can decide for herself who she wants to be with! You stupid, sexist pigs!" she added, almost as an afterthought, but it definitely needed saying.
"Morgana, I'm officially on your team," Merlyn said once she had stepped back. The witch smirked and nodded, already planning the new race of Amazons to overrun Camelot.
Arthur and Mordred, meanwhile, were staring at her in shock, mouths hanging open as comprehension suddenly dawned on their faces. "You...you're right," Arthur finally whispered.
"Merlyn should choose," Mordred confirmed, a solemn look coming over him.
Merlyn's eyes widened to the size of saucers. She whirled on Morgana, demanding, "How did you do that? I've been trying to tell them that for months!"
Morgana smirked (again) and answered, "You just have to have the right charm." She winked at the other girl, then nodded for her to turn around; Arthur and Mordred were standing before her.
"Merlyn," Arthur stated, voice clear and strong. "Mordred and I have been...less than mature these past few months-"
"That's an understatement," Gwen muttered under her breath.
"-but enough is enough."
"Yeah," Mordred agreed. "It's time you stopped stringing us along, and finally chose."
Merlyn's jaw fell open. "Excuse me?!" she shrieked, giving them her evillest, most terrifying glare. "It's time I stopped 'stringing you along?' Stringing you along?!" She shook her head, equal parts furious and incredulous that these two morons could be so unbelievably stupid! "Screw you!" she screamed at them. "Screw you both! I have had it up to the high heavens with the two of you! Never in my life have I met anyone as horrible, as helpless, as absolutely idiotic as you guys! You guys are terrible! Selfish! Indescribably obnoxious! Uncaring, inconsiderate, thoughtless, stupid! Actually, no. To call you guys stupid would be an insult to stupid people! I've known sheep that could outwit you! It gives me a headache just trying to think down to your level! Not to mention that you both are complete asses! Seriously, it's King Prat and Prat Jr. with you two! You make Agravaine look like an all-around nice guy! Joffrey Baratheon probably takes lessons from you guys, on how to be a bigger asshole! Compared to you two, Umbridge looks like a saint!
"And that's not even including the fact that I'm just. Not. Interested! You guys are worse stalkers than that guy from Fifty Shades of Grey. It's like you guys took love advice from Anakin and decided that creepy one-liners and quotes about sand would work! You probably thought Twilight was an instruction manual on 'How to Woo a Girl: The Love Triangle edition.' You guys are like Mr. Collins from Pride and Prejudice, except there's two of you and he at least was able to take a hint after the fourth or fifth repeat. In the few months we've all been together, you both have demonstrated every loathsome characteristic of the male personality and even discovered a few new ones. You are intellectually retarded, morally reprehensible, vulgar, insensitive, selfish, stupid, you have no taste, a lousy sense of humor and you smell. You two are not even interesting enough to make me sick!"
Merlyn took a deep breath, red in the face but feeling much better than she was just a few minutes ago. "And to top it all off," she continued, "You two dare suggest that I've been 'stringing you along!' I told you both from the very beginning that I'm not interested, and have repeated this statement several times! I've shouted it till I was blue in the face, yet still it refused to register in your thick skulls that you. Have. Been. Rejected! I was, at first, trying to spare your guys' feelings, but now I just don't care. So, since it seems I have no other options left, I will choose. And to hell with your feelings!" With that, she stomped right up to them, shoved them aside, and marched her way over to the knights. Before anyone had a chance to respond, she had Gwaine by the collar of his tunic and yanked him down for a kiss. "I choose Gwaine, you jerks!" she shouted, looping her arm through a very pleased and slightly dazed looking knight.
"But," Arthur bemoaned. "What about you and me?"
"And you and me?" Mordred added.
Merlyn gave them one final glare before replying, "Frankly my dears, I don't give a damn!" With that, she marched away, pulling her knight with her. "C'mon, ladies!" she shouted, and Morgana and Gwen raced after her, each picking a knight of their own (Morgana decided to take Elyan along as well, since it'd be rude to leave him behind). And then they were gone.
Arthur and Mordred, overcome with their grief of rejection, decided to take their sorrows out on each other, and both ended up dealing a mortal blow to the other. There they died, the sting of heartbreak in their throats, on the fields of Camlann. And so it was foretold.
Well, that's it! The end of The Love Triangle of Death. I'll be honest, I wasn't planning on killing off Arthur and Mordred, but the whole bit with Gwaine was always planned. I really enjoyed this chapter...
Most of the insults were my own, but I did borrow from A Fish Named Wanda, Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy, and the bit at the end was from The Witches of Eastwick, slightly altered to fit the setting. And for those of you who have been living under a rock, I referenced (in order) Lord of the Rings, Supernatural, Game of Thrones, Harry Potter, Fifty Shades of Grey, Star Wars, Twilight, Pride and Prejudice, and Gone with the Wind.
You know, I don't even watch Game of Thrones (or Twilight or Fifty Shades of Grey, for that matter), but I'm pretty sure everyone knows about the supreme douche that is Joffrey Baratheon.