Middle of Love
Summary: So the world is ending, what do you do? B/S angst/romance.
Spoilers: General Season 7
I only know of moments when the earth stands still, and when breathing is no longer an option. I only know those moments, those moments when reality is a questionable necessity and every look is a virginity lost to the pain of life.
I hate those moments, those moments define who you are and what you are made of. It's those moments these 22 year old eyes have seen too often...and have never forgotten.
They stay on me, like scars on delicate tissue that tears and strains against comfort. I've never been burned, but I feel like it now, it's a deep pain, kinda pops your ears and puts pressure on your lower rib cage until you exhale...yet it still lingers.
I hate those moments. Moments too real to grasp, too common in my life to take seriously. Every death threat is a joke and still the world stands still.
You see, I knew that I loved him when I tried to convince myself that I no longer loved him. How can one fall out of love if one hadn't been in love in the first place, or perhaps one can fall out of mid-almost-there love which is what I think happens to me all too often.
I'm in the mid-of.
The place were you hated him 3 seconds ago and now he makes you smile. The moment when you know he can take care of himself but you can't help but rush at his ride to make sure he's ok. The moment when you flush and are embarrassed when you say things you knew he knew. The moment when you stay awake wondering why he's not next to you.
That's the mid-of. That place in between.
I've been there for over a year now. Since I'm there I can't really say I love him, neither can I say I don't because both would be lies and both would be truths.
I only say 'I like him', or 'I'm fond of him' (and that's if Giles is asking) but never ever 'I love him'. Because I didn't. I was in the middle-of-love.
Still hating him, still loving him.
I wonder why I complicate my love life? Then I take the decisions that love simply is complicated because four letter words are never simple.
Give me a 10 letter word and then you get a simple answer, but these little words were designed in such a way as to confuse you, to make you wonder. To make you go "humm...let me think about it".
Well, there's no time to think about it, because the world is ending, all is on fire and there is only this moment.
That moment where you feel as if you're walking the plain, because the moment you jump off there is no coming back, you're just falling, falling into the deepest most blue pool you've ever seen. You're just falling.
There's no coming back for me.
And I think he's earned it, more than any other man I've loved and granted I can count them with 3 fingers. But he deserves this, before we all go to hell (and I mean that quite literally), before all that is left is ashes and dust.
Funny, I've been killing vampires for the better part of my life and I too will end up in ashes, just like them...just like him.
He's standing before me now, as bloody and exhausted as I am and it makes me sad that we never had the chance, you know? Never had the chance to relax, to just be in love to just me a not-so-normal couple.
Never went on a date, or let him buy me flowers, paint my toenails or make me breakfast. We just have this, this little tiny moment that is going to end the moment I tell him--this is all we get. I find it unfair. The fates have a permanent frowning face when it comes to me, and all I can do is flip them the bird because I could really care
less what they have planned.
This is my moment, no make that this is HIS moment. He's waited for this long enough, he deserves this because for once it's not all about me.
I've conquered everything from heaven and hell and he's only had to conquer one thing--my heart. That has been his greatest enemy, his most challenging opponent, his most noble victory, because he's won.
Through all my protest and indifference I've been breaking, ever so slowly, ever so painfully.
I'm no longer a warrior amongst the flames, I am now just a woman. And he's just a man.
And I love him. Though I know he knows it, he's known it for sometime but I need to tell him because he needs to hear it.
I need to hear it.
So I do, I tell him.
"I love you, you know?"
He drops his ax and stands in front of me.
This is it, baby, this is your big romantic moment.
"The whole bloody world is on fire and all you can say is 'I love you'?" he asks me, placing this unreadable look on his face.
I've known Spike to have 101 facial expressions, I've seen them all directed to me and yet here, at our last moments I see a new one.
"There's nothing more to say," I answer him. "Loving you is the last thing I will do...so here it is."
He stands closer, until there is only fumes between us and I'm fighting against the smoke that spills tears from my eyes.
Then he smiles. "I know."
I nod. "Good, I just wanted to make sure I said it."
"Bit late, but you know what they say, better late than never." he smirks.
"Yeah, heard that once." I smile back at him.
"Want me to hold you?" he asks, and no longer shyly, no more peering under lashes like he's been doing lately. His face is strong now, bloody but strong.
"That would be nice," I tell him and without thinking about it anymore I just sink into his arms and it feels amazing.
Feels like I've just been renewed and I wonder why I didn't do this before. I never, ever, let him hold me like this.
I wonder if this is the moment when I'm supposed to cry, when I'm supposed to ask him to hold me closer or to never let go...but I don't, because for once I feel complete. I feel like I could die and these are the arms that will hold me for all eternity, this is the peace I've dreamt about, this is what I love.
"I'm no longer afraid," I tell him, and my voice sounds foreign. He looks down at him and our eyes meet and I wonder if this is what all those harlequin romance novel scenes look like. The world no more among us and just us--just the two of us.
"Me neither, luv."
And we lean in to kiss, somewhere in this kiss I am sure we died because I no longer feel anything but him, anything but us, anything but just this pure flame of love that is just consuming me, making me float, making me breathe and I'm alive, I'm so alive I could fly.
Kisses like this are connectors, they connect one person to the next, they make us unite--make us one. I'm one with him, I can feel all of his pains, doubts and worries--it feels so wonderful to be him, to be one with him.
Yeah. This is definitely were I could spend forever. Forever has just begun.