Author's note: I don't really know why I wrote this…..it just came to me while watching Cats one afternoon, and I thought "Hey, it's something that hasn't been parodied yet (to my knowledge, that is.)" So…..here it is! Oh, yeah, the disclaimer. Cats belongs to ALW, The Little Princess belongs to....someone other than me. Blue text indicates out of character notes, black text is in character. Things in parenthesis are actions/stage directions/something else similar. Warning: This is stupid. It was MEANT to be stupid. So don't bother flaming me saying how stupid it is. Oh, yeah....Mez belongs to herself. *giggles*

Cast-
Sarah Crewe - Jemima
Lavinia - Victoria
Lavinia's groupies - Cassandra, Demeter
Other students (Sarah's friends) - Bombalurina, Tantomile, Exotica
Becky - Rumpleteazer
Ermengarde - Electra
Ermengarde's father - Old D
Frances - Skimbleshanks
Amelia Minchin - Jennyanydots
Miss Minchin - Jellylorum
Cook - Tumblebrutus
Maya - Exotica
Ravana - Macavity
Princess Deitra - Demeter
Prince Rama - Munkustrap
Captain Crewe - Asparagus
Ram Dass - Coricopat
Mr. Barrow - Mistoffelees
Lottie - Etcetera
Charles Randolph - Gus
John Randolph - Tugger
Monsieur Dufarge - Bustopher Jones
Woman selling flowers - Grizabella
Her child - Mungojerrie
Chimney sweep - Pouncival
Police officers - Macavity, Mungojerrie, Admetus, Plato


(The cats look over their parts, some of them pleased while others are acting very indignant. Many of them are mumbling something about double casting.)

Jelly: Why do I have to be the villain?! I'm not a villainous type!

Mandy: Well…it was either you or Jenny, since you two are the oldest, and you seem to fit the part better. Jenny's not quite as much of a..…what's the word…

Tugger: Prude? *ducks as Jelly whaps him in the head*

Mandy: Well, that's not really the word I was looking for…I think Jenny just smiles more or something. *leans in towards Jelly and whispers* Plus, she's kinda plump, and Amelia is supposed to be fat.

Jenny: (offstage) I heard that!

Victoria: *storms up, yelling* WHY do I have to be Lavinia? She's a snotty, two-faced, whiny little snob!!

Etcetera: So what's your point?

Victoria: *glares at her* I wouldn't talk if I were you, you play a screaming little six year old BRAT!

(Both queens walk off, arguing over which role is brattier)

Mandy: *blinks at them* Well. Now that that's over…anyone else have a problem with their part?

Tugger: YES! I have, like, one line!

Cats with speaking parts: LUCKY!

Tugger: I mean, come ON! You really expect MOI to play a guy with no lines?

Mandy: Would you rather me cast you as Amelia's boyfriend, the milkman?

Jenny, Skimble and Tugger: NO!!

Mandy: Fine then. Okay, NOW is everyone happy? *grumbling is heard, but no one says anything* Good. Let's get this show on the road!


(Open in blackness. Jemima's voice can be heard coming from…somewhere.)

Jemima: A long, long time ago-

Pouncival: *sings* In a galaxy far away!

Mandy: *blindly hits in the direction she thinks Pouncival is in*

Old D: HEY! Watch it!


Jemima: *
clears her throat in an annoyed manner before continuing* ….there lived a beautiful princess in a mystical land known as India…

(Lights come up to an exotic jungle scene. Munkustrap and Demeter are standing in a clearing, both wearing brightly colored silks. Munkustrap's fur has been dyed blue, causing much snickering to come from the cats backstage.)

Munk: *mutters* I cannot BELIEVE she's making me do this….


Jemima's voice: The princess Demtra was married to her handsome prince, Ramastrap

All: RAMASTRAP?

Mandy: You try combining Munkustrap with Rama!

Jemima: *clears throat again* AS I was saying…
.they lived in a beautiful garden together, because Ramastrap had been banished by his jealous stepmother. One day, Demtra saw a wounded deer in the forest, and begged her prince to help it. Ramastrap drew a circle in the sand, and told her to stay inside it, for it would keep her safe from harm…

Pouncival: Can we skip this part? I'm getting really, REALLY bored….

Mandy: FINE. Okay, so he goes off to help the deer, she hears a cry in the forest, thinks it's her prince and goes to help, then she gets captured by a ten headed demon. NEXT SCENE!


( 1914, a beautiful garden in India. Jemima is supposed to be splashing around in a pond while listening to Exotica tell her a story, but instead she's standing at least three feet away from the water.)

Mandy: Jemima! Go! Splash!

Jemima: NO! I'll get wet! Let's just skip to the end of this part, okay?

Mandy: *sighs* Fine, fine…

Jemima:
*happily skips the water scene* Maya, do you know any real princesses?

Exotica: *nods, smiling* All women are princesses. It is our right.

(Skip to a large cruise ship, with Jemima and Asparagus standing out on the deck. Coricopat is in the background, watching them silently.)

Jemima: Hey…didn't we skip a scene?

Mandy: Shh, yes we did, but it's not important. We'll be skipping several scenes to save room….not to mention the fact that this isn't really that interesting of a parody…..now get back in character!


Asparagus: *puts a locket around Jemima's neck* Here, Jemrah, I want you to have this. I gave it to your mother on our wedding night.
*mutters* This is so corny…

Jelly: Aww…I think it's sweet….*she gives Asparagus huge mushy eyes, causing him to turn red*


Mandy: Will you two HUSH??


Jemima: What did you love most about mother?
*under her breath* And what kind of a name is Jemrah?

Asparagus: I loved the way her eyes sparkled when she laughed, like yours do. I loved the sound of her voice when she sang the Indian folk song.. *starts dancing with Jemi* But I think what I loved most….was dancing with her!

(They dance for a moment, until Asparagus steps on Jemi's foot)

Jemima: YOW! Okay, that's it, NEXT SCENE!

(Front of a large, menacing, very ugly green building, with a sign by the door that says "Miss Minchin's Seminary for Young Queens". Jemima looks up at it and gulps slightly as they enter.)

Jenny: *opens the door, smiling cheerfully in a dress the same color green as the building* Hello! You must be Captain Crewe! My sister will be down presently…..we were just preparing the young lady's room. *turns to Jemi* Your beautiful things arrived this morning.

Asparagus: Thank you, uh….?

Jenny: *realizes she didn't introduce herself* Oh, Heaviside! Amelia. Amelia Minchin.

(They all laugh good-naturedly, until a voice coming from the top of the stairs causing them to stop suddenly)

Munkustrap: Hey, hold on a second….why wasn't JENNY'S name changed to something weird and stupid??

Mandy: *shrugs* I couldn't find a way to do it without getting REALLY confusing.

Munku: As if Ramastrap isn't confusing enough….

Mandy: Oh go away, you're not in this scene.

Jelly: AHEM! *she gets back into character*
Captain Crewe!

(Jellylorum descends the stairs with a sort of "I'm better than you" smirk on her face. She gets nearly to the bottom before falling down the last three steps and landing flat on her face.)

All: *burst into gales of laughter*

Asparagus: *helps Jelly to her feet, still laughing*

Jelly: *glares at everyone, but doesn't get out of character* *extends her paw to Asparagus* I'm delighted to meet you. And this must be little Jemrah! What a beautiful child.

Jenny: I was just telling the Captain-

Jelly: *cutting her off* Thank you, Amelia, that will be all. Now, Captain, if you'll just follow me…
.if I can WALK, I think I twisted my ankle…

(The three of them walk (well, Jelly limps) down the halls of the building. Jellylorum drones out about classes and the school's reputation as she walks. Jemima follows, looking around, until she sees Rumpelteazer dressed in rags, mopping the floor.)

Rumpelteazer: Whoi do OI have to be the servant goil?

Mandy: Because you have a Cockney accent, and I can't imagine one of the girls who attend the school being Cockney. Now stop complaining. I could have just left you out entirely.

Rumpelteazer: Tha' would 'ave suited me just FOINE!


Jelly: *sternly* Come along, Jemrah. *steers her away from Rumpel*

(They enter a classroom fill with queens, all of them wearing dresses the same color green as the house. Bustopher Jones is asleep at a desk in the front. Jelly clears her throat loudly. Bustopher wakes up, startled, and begins speaking in French as if he had never stopped the lesson.)

Jelly: Excuse me, Monsieur Bufarge. Girls, I'd like you to meet our new student, Miss Jemrah Crewe.

Queens: *chorus monotonously* Hello, Jemrah.

Jelly: *smiles* You must tell them all about your exciting life in India! Now, Captain Crewe…

(She leads Asparagus away, talking. Jemi looks at all the queens in the room, until her eyes fall on Victoria and Electra. Victoria is sitting behind Electra, dipping her tail in an inkwell while smiling smugly at Jemi.)

Electra: *whining* Did we HAVE to use real ink? The end of my tail is going to be black for a week!

Mandy: Electra, the end of your tail was black anyway. Hush.

Jelly: *walks back over to Jemi and starts to take the locket from around her neck* We don't allow jewelry.

Jemima: *clutches at the necklace* Please, can I just wear it in my room? On my free time?

Jelly: *glances towards Asparagus* Well, if you insist….

Jemima: I do.

(The queens all gasp and start whispering. Victoria can plainly be heard whispering "She's going to get in SO much trouble…")

Tugger: *yawns* Okay, can we just hurry this up so I can get my three second scene over with?

Mandy: Fine, fine…but we have to at least do MOST of the goodbye scene…


(Scene changes to a large bedroom full of things that are obviously from India. Asparagus is sitting on a windowseat overlooking the street.)

Asparagus: I think I saw something over there on that chair for you

Jemima: *goes over to the chair and picks up a beautiful little doll, gazing at it with rapture*

Asparagus: Her name is Emily.

Jemima: Emily! (She runs over to Asparagus, jumping in his lap. However, since Jemima isn't quite as young or as small as Sarah is really supposed to be, she knocks him over and they both end up in the floor.)

Asparagus: Oof…okay…well….um…where were we?

Mandy: *sighs wearily* Okay, let's just get to the end of this….


Asparagus: *gets up and sits back on the windowseat* Whenever you hug Emily, you'll really be getting a hug from me. *he glances offstage to see several cats motioning for him to hurry it along* I have to go now, my love….and remember, you'll always be my little princess. *he stands and leaves*

(Jemima sits by the window and watches a carriage take her papa away to fight in the war. Tears stream openly down her face.)

Jemima: *tearful whisper* Papa….

Queens and Pouncival: *all start bawling*

Mandy: *shakes her head* Oy….next scene!


(Scene changes to a long table. Queens are sitting on either side, with one side space and the two end spaces left empty. They're all talking about Jemrah.)

Demeter: Did you see all of her TOYS?

Bombalurina: I heard her father grows crackers or something. They're VERY rich. *mutters*
CRACKERS?

Tantomile: They MUST be, everyone I know eats crackers!

Cassandra: Her father is British. I heard he's best friends with the King and Queen!

Victoria: HA! Well, I heard that he got thrown OUT of India because people died from eating his poison crackers!

Etcetera: Poison CRACKERS?

Mezzy: I had an aunt once who died from poison string beans.

Mandy: Hi Mez!!

Demeter: Um….who's that?

Mandy: That's Mez, friend of mine….I promised her a line in this parody.

Victoria: Shut up, nobody cares about her!

Mez: *thinks Vicky is referring to her* Hey!

Victoria: I wasn't talking about YOU, I was talking about the aunt. Now can we PLEASE get on with this thing?


(Jennyanydots bustles in and sits down at one end of the table, causing the girls to hush their gossiping. The scene changes to a hallway, where Jemima is standing looking at some pictures on the wall. She reaches up to touch one of the photographs)

Jemima: Mama..

Jenny: *without thinking* Yes dear? *suddenly realizes Jemima was speaking in character* Erm…sorry…

Jelly: Jemrah! We are NOT accustomed to delaying everyone's breakfast for one student!

Jemima: I'm sorry, Miss Minchin, but I found my mama's-

Jelly: *sharply* You are NOT the only child here, Jemrah, you must remember that! *smiles as Bustopher Jones enters* Ah, bonjour Monsieur Bufarge! Jemrah, you will begin French lessons with Monsieur this afternoon.

Jemima: Do I have to?

Jelly: Why, Jemrah! You most certainly do! Now apologize to Monsieur this INSTANT for your rudeness!

Skimbleshanks: Methinks Jelly is getting a bit too much into character..

Tugger: What do you mean, into character? She's always like this!

(Jellylorum glares at Tugger, but refuses to comment)


Jemima: *looks at Jelly a moment, then turns to Bustopher and proceeds to give him an apology and an explanation in perfect French*

Bustopher: Why, this child doesn't need to learn French! She practically IS French! She could help tutor the younger children….perhaps she could even help you with YOUR pronunciation, Miss Minchin. *turns away and begins wandering towards the dining room to avoid her glare* Are those sausages I smell?

(The scene changes back to the dining room, with Jemima and Jelly at the table. Rumpelteazer is serving Jemima oatmeal.)

Jemima: Thank you.

(Small gasps can be heard from the girls, and everyone stops and stares at Jemima.)

Jelly: Jemrah, there is NO talking at the table.

Jemima: Just doesn't seem natural…

Jelly: *gives her a cold look* I won't say it again.

(The scene is ready to change. However, all the cats not onstage who have been serving as set crew are no where to be found.)

Mandy: All right, WHERE did everyone go????

Bombalurina: I think they got tired of so many scene changes and took a coffee break…

(At the word "coffee", the remaining cats all thunder towards the outside of the theater.)

Mandy: *calls after them* Be back in ten minutes! Oy….