"We're here!" Monica cried, brandishing a Tofurky as Mike opened the door.

Mike sighed and let himself out into the hallway, closing the door behind him and facing the other five. "Hey, look. Um... maybe you're not."

"But we got balloons!" Joey cried indignantly, shaking the multicolored mass that took up most of the hallway.

"Yeah, Joey, that's great," Mike said soothingly. "Look... I don't think Phoebe's feeling, um, very birthday-ish right now."

"She's here already?" Rachel said in concern.

"Yeah, she left work early. Look, you guys... Frank Buffay was in an accident."

He waited through their expressions of horror. "And that's not all, okay?"

"Mike?" Phoebe's voice called from inside. "Mike, where'd you go?"

"I guess you'd better come inside," Mike said sadly, heading through the door. "Um, Pheebs, this was supposed to be a surprise, but..."

"Ohhhh," Phoebe sighed, taking in her friends, the presents, the balloons, the food. "Surprise party for me? Thanks, guys... that's really sweet."

She burst into tears and sat down on the couch.

"Sweetie, sweetie... we're really sorry to hear about your dad," Rachel sighed, passing Emma's carseat to Ross and sitting down next to Phoebe.

"Oh, my dad's probably fine," Phoebe said bitterly.

"Oh," Rachel said awkwardly. "Well, then, um..."

"Of course, my big fake dad is really messed up," Phoebe added.

She looked around at everyone's confused face. "Yup, that's right, lied to again. My whole family tree is a big, fat lie. First I find out Lily wasn't my mom, and now, guess what, Frank Buffay isn't my dad!"

She cried harder, and Mike filled in. "Phoebe went to give blood when she found out about the accident, and it turns out that Phoebe is O, and her dad... um, I mean Frank... is AB."

"Ohhhh," everyone but Joey said in unison.

"That means Frank can't possibly be her father," Mike added.

"Ohhhh," Joey said.

"So yeah," Phoebe said. "Dad, gone. Brother, gone. Nieces and nephews, gone. I had the triplets of... some non-related acquaintance!"

Chandler opened his mouth, and Monica punched him in the stomach. He closed it again, wincing in pain.

"My god, Pheebs, did you find out who your real dad is?" Rachel asked.

"No," she wailed. "Frank's in a coma, and Frank jr. was just as shocked as I was. I called my mom, but she's out showing a house... and Ursula's in L.A. filming 'Sluts of the Amazon II'."

"They're making a sequel?" Joey said excitedly.

Phoebe glared. Joey pretended to be very interested in his balloons.

There was a banging at the door, and Mike crossed and peered through the peephole. "Sweetie, it's your Mom."

"Or so we think," Phoebe sighed, as Phoebe Sr. burst into the room.

"Honey, honey, I came as soon as I got your message, but it was a long drive from Montauk... honey, is your dad okay?"

"My dad?" Phoebe spat. "Nice try, liar liar pants on fire."

"What are you talking about?"

"I know Frank's not my dad, okay? You lied to me *again*. I tried to give blood for him today."

Phoebe Sr.'s face turned white, and she sagged into a chair. "Oh my god. Frank's not your father?"

Phoebe's face softened a little. "You... you didn't *know* Frank wasn't my father?"

"I knew there was a teensy-tiny possibility, but I really didn't think... oh god, honey. You know how Frank, Lily, and I were kind of... a couple?"

"Yeah," Phoebe said, as her friends attempted to pretend they weren't in the room.

"Well, Frank and Lily were always so close, you know. And I was starting to feel... kind of shut out, kind of like the third wheel, you know? Resentful. Lily wasn't spending so much time with me anymore, she was really concentrating on Frank, and I found *myself* concentrating on Frank... and I started to wonder if maybe Lily and I weren't kidding ourselves."

Phoebe Sr. sighed heavily. "Oh anyway, honey, the point is... I cheated on them. With a guy I met in my support group."

"Oh my god!" Phoebe cried.

"Well, it was a one-time thing!" Phoebe Sr. cried. "The thing is, sweetie... he was married. And really, really confused."

"So -- who's my real dad?"

"Well, his name was Charlie," Phoebe Sr. said cautiously. "Although, honey... and I know you've had enough shocks for today, but you're getting another one... he, uh, I hear he kinda goes by the name 'Helena' now."

There was an audible thump as Chandler slid to the floor.