- Beta: ladylibre

- Facebook name and/or Twitter handle: Jess Molly Brown, jmollyfanfic

- Pen name: jmolly

- Title: You Asked for It

- Summary: After listening to the pet peeves of the girls throwing this contest, I knew I had to torment them. I kept it brief. You're welcome. If there's nothing in this story that makes you cringe, I'm not doing it right. Honestly? Neither are these three.

- Pairing: Edward, Bella and Jacob

- Rating: M

- Word Count: 3120

- DISCLAIMER: Twilight and its inclusive material are copyright to Stephenie Meyer. Original content, including but not limited to plot and characters, is copyright to this author. Not that anyone would want to steal this crap anyway. I hope. No copyright infringement or offence is intended. Don't eat or drink while reading this. Consider yourself warned.

You Asked for It

Bella Notte, the last living twenty-three year old Canadian girl virgin, strolled casually through the misty rainforest at midnight. It was bee-yoooo-tee-ful. And so was she in her Dior dress and Louboutin heels.

Hey, she wasn't vain, just self-confident. Or so she told herself.

Well to be honest, her name was really Izzy Swan and she was walking at midday across the boiling hot Canadian prairie in July wearing knockoff Louboutin boots and a cheap dress that a six-year-old girl would have had trouble fitting into, but what kind of fun would that be to read about?

A rustling crash sounded amidst the immense spruce trees and a fine specimen of a man popped out of nowhere. He was at least ten years older than she, which made him super attractive. He strutted toward her as though he was on a catwalk. For sure, he was so sexy it hu-ur-urrt. He had piercing green eyes, a hair color that defied description (and probably came out of a bottle) and wore an expression that Bella always found irresistible: duck-faced boredom. Bored men were positively dangerous. Bella's mama said so, ergo it must be true.

The hunky piece of man meat tugged on his unkempt beard. It made Bella moist. Moisture pooled on her thighs. She moistened her lips. He was wearing a black and red flannel shirt over a blue Maple Leaf's t-shirt. Obviously, he needed a woman to dress him (and a better hockey team to root for). The ensemble clashed with his artfully messy bronze hair and didn't do anything for his pale skin. She could help him with that.

Bella had exceptional fashion sense, if she did say so herself. All she needed was some money to indulge it. Since she wasn't bright enough to get into college herself, she was determined to trap a gainfully employed man to be her sugar daddy. Her mama had given her the idea. Mama had plenty of men to please her and wore enough paste diamonds to put Queen Elizabeth to shame. Bella was so proud to be her daughter.

A-ha! The Adonis-like man's clothing had to be work-related. Nobody'd wear it out of choice. He was… a lumberjack!

"S'up, cutie?" he asked Bella as he flicked his lighter and sucked on the end of a cig. His mouth formed a perfect O as he exhaled in her face. Her jaw dropped. Just the thought of his lips encircling her man-in-the-boat made her nipples hard enough to cut glass. She smiled at him angelically and came in her pants. Except she wasn't wearing any. She was wearing a frilly, flared micro-skirt that allowed her to pull a Paris Hilton whenever she wanted to tease a cum worthy guy. It was black and white gingham with pink lace. And she wasn't wearing panties. Thanks to that, her hot cum gushed out and splattered on the sidewalk. That hadn't happened in almost three weeks. Her eyes rolled back in her head a little.

The Adonis's eyes got round. "What was that?"

"Hmm?"

"Did you just piss yourself?"

Bella ran circles around her nipples with her index fingers to give her throbbing hoo hah some relief. "You're so hot you made me squirt, stud muffin."

"Oh." He wrapped his plump lips around the cigarette. "You should probably do some Kegels. It'll help with that."

She nodded, open-mouthed, and pulled a pair of pink heart-shaped glasses out of her pocket to express her appreciation of his drool-worthiness. "Ah-hm-hm-hm-hmm …" she giggled, clasping her hands in front of her lady box and swinging her hips in place. (She hoped she looked like Sailor Moon with little hearts flying around her head.) "You're ah-ma-zing. What's your name?"

"Oh. We haven't been properly introduced. My name is Edward Cullen." He tensed his pecs so they did a perky dance for her. One-two.

She tried his name out on her tongue. It wasn't very romantic. "Good to meet you Edvard Coolhayne."

He frowned at her. "Are you Scottish?"

"No, I'm Canadian."

"Why are you saying my name wrong?"

"Well this is my first seduction and Edward is just too dorky a name for a bestselling protagonist."

He glommed onto the key word. "Seduction?"

"Mm-hmmm." She gave him another eye-fuck. "Do you want to play Hide the Salami with me?"

"I already ate lunch. Tuna fish sandwiches with pickles and a Mountain Dew. Wanna fuck?"

"Totally."

"Awesome." He grasped her arm manfully and led her down the sidewalk.

A man with bronze skin (fairly close to the shade of Edvard's hair, actually) loped over. "Hey, Edward, I scored us some weed."

"Wow, hi," Bella purred. "Aren't you tall, dark and handsome!"

The tall, dark, handsome man looked questioningly at the Adonis. "Who's the chick?"

"Bella." Edvard gestured at his friend. "Bella? Jaboo. Jaboo? Bella. I'mma hang out with her for a while, 'kay?"

"What about me?" he whined.

Bella pursed her lips. "Hel-lo, Jacob."

"Um, my name's Jaboo."

"Just play along. Your name's too ethnic for you to be a character in a contemporary erotic romance fiction."

Jacob's eyes bulged. "Did you just say I wouldn't cut it in a mainstream romance novel?"

"Yup."

"That's not very nice."

"Sadly, we modern writers haven't totally broken the color barrier yet. Say, have you ever noticed that in blockbuster action flicks, the black guy always dies first?"

"You're crossing the line here, princess."

"However, there's no color barrier in video porn." She fluttered her lashes and peeked up at him from beneath them. All she needed was an Asian guy to join their happy quest and they could make their trip to see the Wizard a biracial cumfest!

"Porn?" both studly men echoed.

"Yup!"

"Are you saying you want to have a threesome with us?" Edvard asked, his enormous bulge straining at his zipper.

"You don't have to be coarse about it, slut killer," she said. "What I'm saying is, I mightn't mind if your pork kielbasa nestled in my honey pot while Jacob's corncob melted the butter in my bun."

Jacob leaned toward Edvard. "Is she for real?"

Edvard shrugged. "She's a bit nuts. But she's gorgeous, and she wants to do us, so who cares? It's not like we have to indulge in conversation."

"Okay," Jacob nodded. "I mean, how often does a chance like this come up, right?"

"Not often," Edvard said.

"I like your titties," Jacob disclosed to Bella, waggling his brows.

"Thank you." Bella hefted the massive girls. "I'm a 40K."

"I'd like to retire with you someplace warm," Jacob growled.

"That's 401K, moron," Edvard muttered.

"Oh."

Edvard cleared his throat and punched his friend on the arm. "Jacob and I would like to take you up on your offer to fuck."

"Yay!" Bella clapped her hands and jumped up and down, taking care to squeeze her arms against her tits so as not to knock herself out. She stopped jumping, pursed her lips, looked around apprehensively and leaned toward them. "There's just one thing."

"What?" the men demanded in stereo.

She cast a dreamy gaze at the rainy sky she was imagining. "I want to have the perfect setting for this," she whispered.

"And what would that be?" Edvard queried.

Bella clasped her hands beneath her chin and sighed. "I have always dreamed of losing my V-card to a lumberjack underneath the golden light filtering down between thousand year old coniferous trees whilst lying on my back on a bed of soft leaves scented of pine and sprinkled with rose petals."

Edvard and Jacob exchanged a stunned look and searched the sundrenched horizon in every direction. "C'mon," Jacob whined. "This is Saskatchewan. There's not a tree in sight. Not one big enough to fuck under, anyway."

Edvard crossed his arms and leaned toward Jacob. "I have a plan."

"Yeah?"

He grasped Bella and Jacob's arms in a manly way and tugged them along the sidewalk. "Yeah. I can totally make this happen."

"My hero," Bella sang, flapping her eyelids at him spasmodically. She was going to get her dream! Her fantasy-come-to-life would be epic. She knew it as surely as Star Trek fans knew Kirk and Spock had a thing going with Uhura.

The horny trio hurried along the sidewalk. It was hot enough to fry eggs on asphalt and Bella's feet began to blister.

"Oh, help," she cried.

"Whatsa matter?" Edvard boomed.

"My toeties are owwie," Bella disclosed. Of course she lived to sacrifice herself upon the altar of fashion. It was worth the pain to make other skanks jealous.

Edvard bent his knees and turned his back to her. "Up you get."

"I'm too heavy to carry," Bella exclaimed. "You'll pull a groin muscle and we won't get to do this for a week."

"It'll be fine," Edvard verbalized. "We're almost there."

Bella leaped onto Edvard's back and turned her face up to the blistering sun. Her front rubbed against his sweaty back. He smelled sweaty. It was hot. Literally and figuratively. Jacob marched alongside Edvard, leering at her bewbies. That was hot, too.

A short time later, Edvard turned to march up the driveway of a nondescript house.

"Are you sure about this?" Jacob barked.

"Do you see a car in the driveway?" Edvard countered. "There's nobody home. My mom's at my grandma's playing cribbage, my sister's at work and my niece is at daycare. We'll have at least an hour."

Jacob rubbed his hands together. "Yippee, we're gonna give Bella a workout!" he crowed.

"Are you calling me fat?" Bella squeaked.

"No. We're gonna make you jizz all over the carpet," Edvard chuckled.

"Ohh," Bella nodded and swiped drool from her chin. "I can do that."

"I bet." Edvard unlocked the door, ushered Bella and Jacob inside, locked and barred the door, snagged the chain and bolt across, pushed the entryway table in front of it, and dabbed sweat from his manly brow.

"You take such good care of me," Bella cooed. Edvard took her hand, tugged her through the house to the basement door, and led her downstairs. The trio's feet clop-clopped on the unfinished pine staircase.

"Just give me a couple of minutes to set up," Edvard said.

Bella and Jacob found themselves in a large concrete-themed room, with a lightbulb and chain dangling from the ceiling, containing a single mattress, a beer crate, a small TV, an iPod charging doc and mounds of dirty laundry. The minimalist design fit Edvard perfectly. The apartment was better than Bella's imagination could conjure. It smelled like a musty old basement populated by socks encrusted with cum, and dirty laundry. In short, it smelled like a manly man. Bella's panties got wet. Except she still wasn't wearing any, so her lady juices dribbled down her leg into her fake Louboutins.

Edvard darted around cleaning up after himself, which was a total turn on. Bella ogled him with her tongue hanging out. He ran out of the room and returned with a bale of bluish hay, which he sprinkled liberally on the floor beneath the ceiling light.

"Where'd you get hay?" Jacob gasped.

"My niece has a rabbit. It eats this shit."

Jacob held out his fist and Edvard bumped it. Next, Edvard carried in a small artificial Christmas tree and set it on the crate next to the pile of hay. And then, he grabbed a can of pine scented room freshener and sprayed a cloud of it in the air. He whipped around to seek Bella's approval. She crossed her arms and tapped her foot.

"I don't see any rose petals," she pouted.

Edvard darted out of the room and ran upstairs, returning moments later with a dried flower arrangement that was surely from the 1980s. He snatched the heads off the flowers and cast them liberally upon the pine-scented bower. Once again, he turned to Bella to see if he'd get the green light.

Golden light cascading between pine boughs? Check. Coniferous tree? Check. Pine scented, soft leafy bed? Check. Flower petals? Checkmate and yay. Somebody was gonna get laid and that somebody was gonna be Bella. Bella clapped her hands and jiggled up and down. Edvard and Jacob's heads nodded up and down in sync with her bewbies.

Men loved the twins.

"You've met every condition of my fantasy!" Bella cried.

"So can we fuck now?" Jacob boomed.

Bella folded her hands primly in front of the apex of her legs. "Edvard will take my virginity because he had first dibs."

Jacob's eyes fell to the floor. "Oh."

Edvard fist-pumped the air. "Yes!"

"But you get to pack my fudge, Jake," Bella consoled.

Jacob beamed. "Well, all righty then!"

Lickety split, both men stood naked and panting. Bella ogled their Lil' Buddies since that's what Mama claimed men liked.

Edvard had fake abs painted on his stomach and he was hung like a horse. A very pink horse with a lot of wiggly veins bulging out all over it. His cock was so pretty.

Jacob had genuine abs and was hung like an elephant. A deformed purple-grey elephant with a lot of extra skin around the collar. His cock was so pretty.

Bella decided at once that all cocks were pretty and she loved them.

"Leave on the boots," Edvard directed. Bella loved it when he got all alpha like that. His bossy tone, combined with the duckface, made Bella's nipples pebble under her indecently tight dress bodice. She licked her lips. Teasingly, she lifted the hem of her dress until the Promised Land was revealed to her polyamorous amours, and did a little wiggle so she could peel her dress over her ginormous titties. Said bewbies bounced free and did a couple of opposing spins before banging together and coming to rest on her ribs.

"Oh, man," Jacob moaned. "It's like a real life porno."

"Yeah," Edvard nodded, "I had no idea porn was so realistic."

Bella fluttered her fingertips over her blushing mounds until her peaks stiffened. Her slit had never been so moist in her life. "I believe some foreplay is in order." She fingered her slippery folds and diddled her love nub.

"Hell, yeah!" Edvard and Jacob crowed, tripping over each other to race to her.

"What should we do first?" Bella queried like an innocent little lamb.

"According to PornTube, it's customary for you to suck our cocks," Edvard shared.

"Oh. Okay," Bella agreed, sinking onto her knees in the alfalfa. A cloud of pine-scented dust drifted up. It made her hot. Both men thrust their flesh microphones at her face. She grasped their massive yet mismatched Twix bars in her tiny hands.

"Wow, the one-eyed monsters are visiting the ophthalmologist together," she moaned, cramming the pith helmets in her mouth. They were all sticky and tasted like old gym shorts, which was—in Bella's humble opinion—exactly how men ought to taste.

Jacob and Edvard grunted and thrust their man swords down her throat, which made Bella's eyes cross a little. She sucked as if her name was Dyson and both men jackknifed in and out of her as though they wanted to fashion her an extra orifice. The meat swords began to taste like bleach and salt. It was super delicious and she longed to swallow it down in copious quantities. But Mama said men rarely lasted longer than six minutes and often didn't come back for seconds, so Bella wanted to get her fantasy's worth. She pulled back, releasing their pendulous organs with a pop-pop, and smacked her love-plumped lips.

"Now about that corn and sausage," she purred.

"How do you want us?" Edvard demanded, fapping his python. Bella tapped her chin. Her nips were hard enough to cut titanium.

"I think Jacob should lie on the bottom to give my boycunt his meat torpedo injection," she decided. "And then you can kneel in front of us and explore the depths of my girlcunt with your Basalisk, Edvard."

Jacob scrambled onto the floor and beamed up at Edvard. "This is the coolest thing we've done all summer!"

"Any summer," Edvard agreed. Bella straddled Jacob reverse-cowgirl and impaled her little pink rosette on his elephantine man spike.

"Oh, yeah!" She tossed her head and mewled like a porn star.

"Is that a penis in your taco?" Edvard demanded.

"No, that's my oversized kitty clitty!"

"Wow," Edvard said. "I had no idea love buttons were so … large."

"I'm well-endowed," Bella meowed, tits going everywhere as she bounced up and down on Jacob's pole.

Speaking of well-endowed? "Ride it, baby!" Jacob gasped, plowing in and out of her so, so gooooood.

"Mm-yeah!" Bella bit her lip and threw back her head. "Unh unh unh!"

"Hey, can I get in on this?" Edvard demanded, spreading his hands.

"Dive in my honeyed channel!" Bella shrieked. "Plow my lady garden! Kill my beaver!" Edvard didn't need any more encouragement from her than that. He picked up his monster pickle so he wouldn't bang it on the floor, fell to his knees and thrust into her like a savage. Bella's eyes rolled back in her head as her hymen disintegrated and she spewed out a mild profanity. As Edvard and Jacob's franks and beans rubbed and pressed against each other through Bella's love canal, they also began to moo like a pair of bull moose and spew nonsense.

"I love tuna fish!" Edvard grunted.

"I love your tight, filthy hole!" Jacob gasped.

"I love your slick anacondas!" Bella screamed.

"I love you!" Edvard shouted.

"I love you, too!" Bella wailed.

"What about me?" Jacob bawled.

"Let's all love each other!" Edvard shouted triumphantly. Bella leaned back against Jacob's shoulder so all three of them could French each other's mouths. Their tongues battled for dominance but there was really no point in fighting so they just kissed.

Bella had never dreamed sex could be so goooooood. She rolled around on Jacob's man meat while Edvard bumped his uglies against her cervix so forcefully that her tits quaked like a matched pair of bowls full of red Jell-O. "I'm gonna come!" she howled. She clamped down so hard that she drenched the hay with her lady juices and painted Jacob's meat thermometer brown, but that only seemed to turn her soulmates on more. She wailed and came again creating quite the stinky mess that they would later blame on the rabbit. And the mess was a hot one, so Bella came a third time.

"I'm gonna blow!" Jacob grunted. Bella felt his boiling hot emittance butter her muffin.

"Fuck!" Edvard ejaculated, ejaculating buckets of cum into her lady cave.

It was all so good that they switched positions and did it all again. And again. And then Edvard's mother showed up with pizza (Jacob wasn't the only one who knew how to open the back door) and the trio had to stop fucking around for a couple hours. Plus, Edvard's mom made them clean up after the rabbit.

"I love you," Edvard, Jacob and Bella told each other over slices of deep dish Canadian pizza (cheese, bacon, pepperoni and mushrooms). After Edvard's mom went to bed, Edvard and Jacob gave Bella another injection of man meat.

"What say we make this a permanent thing?" Edvard asked afterward.

"Ooh, we're a couple now!" Bella enthused.

"What about me?" Jacob frowned.

Edvard kissed him sloppily. "You're part of the couple. The three of us are a couple now."

Jacob and Bella moved in with Edvard and they all lived happily ever after in his mom's basement.

The End