Garfield's Creed II : The Movie
It was flashback at Comic-Con in convention hall as Studio Chairman prepared to announce the stars of the Garfield's Creed movie the much hyped blockbuster adaptation of Garfield's many battles against the evil Assassins and Templars.
"I know that I will be getting lead role because I got down on my knees like no other audition had done before." Beamed Michael Fassbender sitting on convention stage with much confidence as he waited announcement of his role. "Once I add role of Garfield the Ultimate Man to my filmography I will become indisupted #1 Actor in World and I will win all the Academy Awards!"
"And now playing the Sidekick Who Dies To Give Motivation to Garfield is MICHAEL FASSBENDER!" Said Studio Chairman to cheers from audience except for Michael Fassbender who spit out his apple juice.
"Whaaat." Thought Michael Fassbender with disbelief. "If I is not to play Garfield than who will?"
"And to play the role of Garfield in Garfield's Creed the Movie is none other than the legendary Garfield himself!" Said Studio Chairman as audience cheered louder than they did for Michael Fassbender.
"DISGRACES!" Screamed Michael Fassbender with disbeliefs as he jumped onto table with tantrums. "Garfield is not professional actor he is not even amateur!"
"What is the meaning of this outburst Michael Fassbender?" Asked co-star Jeremy Irons with revoltedness as he witnessed Michael Fassbenders antics as the crowd booed.
"Garfield is unfit to bring the role of Garfield to life on big-screen that role deserves a true master thespian such as I Michael Fassbender to give it the justice it deserves!" Ranted Michael Fassbender as his eyes turned red and his mouth frothed.
"Ha ha I have seen you act even blind-man can out-act you. And blind must be the casting director who thought you could play even second fiddle." Jeremy Irons chuckled with dismissal.
"Michael Fassbender for this felony you can kiss your spot in film good-bye!" Said the Studio Chairman with disappointment.
"I will not forget the tang of this betrayal! One day you all will be reeling like cross-eyed opossum in washing machine!" Swore Michael Fassbender with vengeances as he ripped up his contract and stormed out.
Outside Michael Fassbender walked with angsty moody pout as rain fell and thunder boomed. His heart was broken like European Union and soon his soul was lost to despair deeper than the coldest ocean.
"I was on my way to king of Hollywood but now thanks to Garfield I am lower than even Zack Snyder in respect on social hierarchy." Fumed Michael Fassbender as tears rolled freely turning despair into damnation as a car drove by and splashed him with puddle water. "Now I wish for nothing more than vengeance upon Garfield for destroying my career but I know that I am not man enough to take on him."
Suddenly Michael Fassbender had devious idea as he reached his mansion of sin.
"Yes in order to best the Ultimate Man Garfield I must reject my humanity to become Lord of Darkness!" Michael Fassbender monologued with booming evil in his voice as he reached into his fridge and pulled out chest of wicked family heirlooms.
Michael Fassbender then drew pentagram circle on floor as he chanted to the Old Ones and ground the skeleton of his ancestor Aguilar the Assassin into dust before snorting to absorb Aguilar's talents into himself.
"Old Gods hear my prayers grant me the talents to kill Garfield so that I reign over the world in your name!" Michael Fassbender yelled with malice as he drew satanic markings on his chest to contain the blessings of nine circles of hell.
Michael Fassbender then was overcome by Satanic power rushing intohim and whatever mankind and humanity had been in Michael Fassbender was lost forever.
Two years later the Garfield's Creed movie had been released to such critical acclaim that any naysayers were executed for heresy on spot and box office successes were big enough to pay back entire global economic debt.
Garfield's co-stars Marion Cotillard and Jeremy Irons were hosting the Academy Awards and Garfield arrived on the Red Carpet by parachuting without a parachute from his Lasagna Falcon fighter jet to great applause.
"I never saw myself doing pictures but they make for nice breaks in between kicking ass and taking names." Garfield said as he did a slick walk down the Red Carpet wearing shades and stylish tux smoking his galaxy famous Lasagna Cigars.
The awards ceremony started without a hitch and immense applause rang through the night as Garfield's Creed won award after award.
"I have not seen victory this easy ever since I threw Odie's bone off a cliff and he followed during Worlds War V." Garfield commented with nostalgia as he casually sipped refreshments, as hot famous actresses sitting next to him giggled and rubbed his massive shoulders.
Finally the big moment arrived as Jeremy Irons and Marion Cotillard beaming with pride opened envelope containing winner of "Best Actor" award
"And without further ado I am proud to announce the winner of this years Best Actor award as none other than" Jeremy Irons began but before he could finish all the lightbulbs suddenly explosioned and the room filled with fog as sinister music began to play.
"What is this nonsense?" Garfield asked as he stood up, getting ready for first sign of trouble.
Then coming out of the fog accompanied by the sound of toll bells ringing was armored hell-knight in Assassin hood enshrouded by purple black aura. Security rushed to stop him but with telekinesis he splattered them against walls leaving marks like roadkilled roadrunner.
"As none other than I, Callum Lynch for his performance in Taking Over The World!" Laughed the hell-knight wickedely as he revealed his demonic name.
"Stupidities!" Shouted Jeremy Irons with righteous incensement. "This award belongs to Garfield and you are none other than party-crasher waiting to be party-pooped!"
With that Jeremy Irons leapt into the audience ripping off his shirt to reveal muscular fighting body.
"Stop Jeremy Irons this is danger threat and only I can handle it." Garfield insisted with concern for his co-star.
"Do not worry Garfield for you have taught me well. Now fiend know the power of my LION'S SCAR!" Jeremy Irons roared like Lion King namesake as he charged up his inner chi with such fury that his arms turned into burning blades and he made two diagonal slashes at Callum Lynch.
"Hahahahaha foolish mortal you think that your weak lighter sparks deter me? Let me give you free sample of true hellfire like atom bomb in cereal box!" Callum Lynch sneered as he casually punted Jeremy Irons back. Before Jeremy Irons could recover Callum Lynch reared back and unleashed beams of laser bloodfire from the slits in his helmet.
"NEEEYAAAAGH!" Screamed Jeremy Irons as the bloodfire lasers found their mark and to the horror of alls Jeremy Irons exploded and was reduced to ashes on the floor.
"Jeremy Irons. No." Raged Garfield with much rage at the loss of his co-star and friend as he leapt out of his seat rushing towards Callum Lynch as he ascended the stage. "I will send you back to the pit from which you came devil!"
"Not so fast Garfield!" Interrupted Callum Lynch as he shot out a giant projection of the Apple of Eden that encased Garfield in place. "This is hardly fitting stage for ultimate battle now is it?"
"Damned coward!" Said Garfield with disappointments as he struggled to break free of the accursed shell. "Face your demise with some dignity!"
"Nonsense! Already I have sown the appleseeds of your destruction with my great power!" Callum Lynch mocked as he proceeded to take Garfield's Oscar and ensnare Marion Cotillard with his telekinesis. "Mark the date on your calendars, world! For when Garfield and the rotten empire of lasagna falls at HELLBRAWL 2K17!"
"Aiiiyugh Save me Garfield!" Marion Cotillard begged with tears as Callum Lynch rose up into the stormy sky with her in tow as prisoner of war.
"This is the last straw." Garfield raged as he broke free of his binds but it was too late Callum Lynch flew into hell-portal and escaped.
"I must find this Callum Lynch and treat him to five-course meal of justice, all expenses paid with his blood." Swore Garfield with determinations as paper floated down into his hands. It was location and date of HELLBRAWL 2K17.
Garfield stormred out of building with such urgencies he didn't even have time to change from classy suit into combat gear.
"Wait Garfield surely you do not think of confronting him alone now!" Said Garfields agent Jon Arbuckle with concerns as he delivered Garfield's all-black '66 Mustang to him. "If he is mighty enough to slay Jeremy Irons without scratch surely you must prepare battle plan of good caution and preparations first!"
"Preparations and caution are keywords of indecisive cowards and flip-floppers." Said Garfield like disgusted Superhero man meeting villain. "Children are watching, Jon Arbuckle. If I show such weakness in the face of evil, I disgrace not only myself but also lasagna. This will teach those children to eat unhealthy foods like apples instead of lasagna and it will give them all obesities."
"I never knew so much was at stake!" Jon Arbuckle said with realizations. "Do it Garfield, then. Do it for the Children!"
Jon Arbuckle and Garfield exchanged silent nod of friendship before Garfield hoped into his Mustang and sped towards his destination.
After some fast and furious driving listening to AC/DC's High Voltage album, Garfield arrived at his destination.
"What is this?" Garfield said with some shock as he saw the address was none other than the White House.
"I see that you have arrived without a second wasted! Just in time to witness the full extent of my power!" Said Callum Lynch like bully knocking down little brothers sandcastle as he appeared from out of hell-portal. In his hands he materialized the Apple of Eden and opened vortex to the Nether Realms beneath the White House.
"This is sacred Native American land. How dare you violate my ancestral ground for your own twisted desires." Said Garfield incensed as he ripped out his Desert Eagles and tried to blast Callum Lynch for desecration of American culture landmark.
"For far too long Garfield you and your lapdogs of America and lasagna have corrupted the world and impeded true men like me! Now one by one you shall fall in time so that I may make New World Order unchallenged!" Callum Lynch laughed with the evils as the bullets bounced harmlessly off his armor. The vortex sucked up the White House along with everyone in it leaving behind only President Donald Trump's toupee and a half-eaten box of valentine chocolates from Russia.
"You can insult me, you can even insult lasagna but once you insult America it is time to fear the Reaper." Garfield swore with vengeances as Callum Lynch used more of his black magic to turn the sky red and fill it with lightning. The corrupted remains of the White House morphed into a skyscaper that looked like the evil guys tower in Lord of the Rings.
"Then come face me at Main Event of HELLBRAWL 2K17! If you can survive long enough to make it that is!" Callum Lynch said with challenges as he floated to the top of tower and created force-field to prevent Garfield from jumping directly up after me.
"I'm not the one who needs to worry about surviving. Value every passing second, skunk." Said Garfield with heart of battleforged Viking as he kicked open the door.
In the lobby was Garfield's first challenge, the elite Assassin hunting Templar Shay Patrick Morrissey.
"It's over Garfield I'm unstoppable because I make my own luck!" Bragged Shay Patrick Morrissey as he pointed to his heart before firing nuclear cabbages from his air rifle at Garfield.
"Looks like its bad luck for you then." Garfield said with perfect timing as he flicked the cabbages with just one finger back at Shay Patrick Morrissey causing explosion of dismemberment.
"Now you're not even half the man you used to be." Quipped Garfield with sly wink as Shay Patrick Morrissey's decapitated head landed in his open hand.
Garfield crushed the head like it was nothing and then continued to where the elevators were. Blocking the elevators were the evil Templar womens from London Lucy Thorne and Pearl Attaboy.
"Sorry Garfield but the elevator's out of service." Pearl Attaboy said as she dropped her pants and shook hips like exotic dancer, beckoning to Garfield to come closer as her forest of black willows blew in the wind.
"But we'll be perfectly happy to service you." Lucy Thorne added as she unbuttoned her coat and shook her bare breasts that sagged like melted ice cream at Garfield.
"Your lips are laced with poison but whats life without some high-risk thrills." Said Garfield as he remembered the lyrics to his hit song "Gimme Lasagna" white Lucy Thorne and Pearl Attaboy continued to strip for him. "Alright sexy stars gimme danger."
"You'll love what we got so much you'll never want to leave." Lucy Thorne promised as she and Pearl Attaboy removed Garfield's tux for him and ran nimble hands over his rugged chest.
Garfield then mounted Pearl Attaboy and thrust into her like Titanic meeting iceberg while Lucy Thorne ravaged her softest parts like pizza chef tossing the dough. After turning Pearl Attaboy into silver mine Garfield rode her like spanking pony as Lucy Thorne leaned forward. Held between Pearl Attaboys legs Lucy Throne lapped away like Olympic swimmer to reach the candy center. With Garfield's commanding, Pearl Attaboy grunted and deposited box office bombs and rotten tomatoes upon Lucy Thorne. Lucy Thorne and Pearl Attaboy then swam up and down one anothers pipelines of intimacy while Garfield ravaged them with whips faster and furiouser than Hillary Clinton deleting her emails. Finally Garfield positioned the two on top of one another and entered Lucy Thorne and launched a blitz of tough love so rough his man-cream boiled over Lucy Thorne and flooded Pearl Attaboys London Underground wiping them both out with a hailstorm of pleasure.
"Garfield how is this possible?" Said Lucy Thorne as she clutched herself enjoying the agonizing aftermath. "No man has ever overcome our feminine Templar wiles before!"
"We must know your secret before you go!" Pearl Attaboy begged reaching for her man as Garfield put his tux back on.
"Your Templar Father of Understanding simply was no match for me, the Father of Lovemaking." Garfield said calmly as the elevator opened before him. "May this thought comfort you in the Elysian fields."
Garfield waved farewell as the two evil women, overwhelmed by the purifying force of his love, exploded as he entered the elevator and hit the button for the top floor.
As the elevator reached its destination and opened, Garfield saw the last of Callum Lynch's minions. It was Nikolai Orelov the Communist Assassin!
"Where's there's rats there's fleas." Garfield said as he readied to plant the hammer and sickle in the dirt for good.
"At long last I will have Stalinist vengeances upon your American capitalism! I WILL USE YOUR BLOOD TO BREW MY VODKA!" Nicolai said as he rushed towards Garfield with his hidden blades.
"Vodka is drink of failures. Why not drink lasagna like real man?" Garfield taunted as he did daring back flip causing Nikolai to get his blades stuck in wall.
"NO COMMUNISM WILL TRIUMPH!" Nikolai yelled with delirium as he tried to break free only to rip off both his arms by mistake.
"The only triumph you Communists will ever have is the number of your dead in my record book." Said Garfield with stone-cold fact as he readied his two Desert Eagles as the defeated Nikolai Orelov collapsed.
"Don't feel bad for losing here is some eye candy to cher you up." Garfield quipped as he stuck the gun-barrels in Nikolais eyesockets pointed at the brain and fired.
With all the hired help let go Garfield walked down the hallway towards light in distance, ready to bring the curtain down on the Master of Evil.
The light blinded Garfield as he passed through it, and when his eyes cleared, he saw Callum Lynch waiting for him in center of gladiatorial arena. Cameras were everywhere broadcasting live to televisions across the world with all seats of audience packed as well.
"I see you pulled out all the stops. But you won't stop me from stopping you." Garfield swore as he clenched his fists, filling them with fighting fire.
"Well Garfield before you die you may as well know the true form of the one who bested you." Said Callum Lynch with horrifying secret revealed as he removed his assassin hood and demon helmet to reveal that he was really Michael Fassbender causing many boos. Michael Fassbender was now pale white with pitch black eyes and glowing purple veins.
"They jeer me now but they will sing different tune when I have your head on stick." Michael Fassbender hissed with inhuman demonic croak ripping off his armor to show his body had become possessed and mutated by the Old Ones. "You, Garfield, will pay for stealing the role of lifetime from me."
"Life is filled with disappointments. But real men deal with them, not with demons." Chided Garfield as he faced off with Michael Fassbender.
"You dare still mock me, when I am now a God? THEN SUFFER MY WRATH!" Michael Fassbender asked as he took out switch with big red button and pressed it.
"How can this be." Commented Garfield with agony as his suit suddenly tightened and squeezed him like anaconda of the truck-stop lavatory. With every second Garfield could feel his manliness being sapped and being transferred to Michael Fassbender.
"I made sure to buy out Armani and I made a few adjustments to your suit as trump card! Now you are powerless to stop me!" Michael Fassbender sneered as he finished stealing Garfield's manliness and began to unleash evil beatdown.
"Aaaack." Garfield coughed up blood as Michael Fassbender unleashed seven blows of God's wrath on him sending Garfield flying across Arena like pinball to the growing horror of the audience as they saw their hero fall.
Garfield collapsed in the dust as Michael Fassbender readied sword with intents of impalement. Just when all hope seemed lost, Michael Fassbender was distracted as hard-rocking "Burnin For You" by Blue Oyster Cult blasted on the loudspeakers. Then a familiar noise was heard by all from entrance to Arena.
It was Jon Arbuckle leading the Assassins Altair, Ezio, Connor, Captain Edward Kenway and their descendant Nathan Drake all dressed as luchadors in surprise interference!
"Stop what are you doing! Posessing my manliness he is now unstoppable!" Cried Garfield with friendship concerns as Jon Arbuckle and the Assassins launched synchronized karate kick into face of Michael Fassbender.
"Garfield you were always there for us when we were in need of manly lesson!" Altair reminded Garfield of past adventures as he DDTed Michael Fassbender and the other Assassins began beating him while he was down. "What friends would we be if we could not assist you when you needed us in return? Now get your groove back and desynchronize this Hollywood pretend Assassin!"
"We cannot delay him forever, Garfield! You must regain your fighting spirit!" Said Jon Arbuckle with alarms as Michael Fassbender started to gain second wind and blasted them back.
Garfield struggled to get to his feet. His heart beated with urgencies as he saw Michael Fassbender beating up his friends sending his blood to fury overdrive. Then he heard cries from audience begging him to get up and save world.
"You may break me but mess with my friends and my countrymen and it's curtains for you!" Garfield roared as he stood up causing applause from audience. Hearing cheers left and right Garfield was reminded of why he fought even as he struggled to resist the killing power of his Italian silk coffin.
"Too late Garfield I shall begin my gourmet meal of victory with appetizer cooked breakneck speed!" Michael Fassbender said with threats as he lifted the defeated Jon Arbuckle high up preparing for snappings.
"I am a real American!" Garfield roared as his inner chi was reborn like the phoenix. "I have never given up and I will not start now!"
With battle cry Garfield's manliness reignited with such force that the suit was exploded off his body into nothingness and his muscles glowing with power grew like watermelons of manifest destiny upon exposure to the lifegiving American sun.
As Garfield's power levels went off the charts, Autograph's Turn Up The Radio began to blast all over the loudspeakers, reigniting the audience's hype.
"Your boast of bombast means nothing now! Die Garfield die!" Michael Fassbender hissed as he tossed Jon Arbuckle aside and rushed at Garfield with fists of razor-blade tornadoes.
"There is no storm greater than my will to defeat you! Powered by my rage and all my loving, behold the ultimate skill of the Lasagna Fighting School! INFINITE! SHINING! LASAGNA! OVERDRIVE!" Garfield said as he assumed ultimate battle stance and his fists became literal power.
"LALALALALALALALALALALALALALALASAGNA!" Garfield's battle cry soared above the cheers of the audience as he unleashed hundreds upon hundreds of rapid-fire punches to the pressure points of Michael Fassbender wiping him out like tsunami to surfer punk.
"Garfield you think your petty flyswatter can stop me?" Said Michael Fassbender as he took out a Bowie Knife with threats.
"Save your breath. You're already dead. Whether it is with dignity or not is up to you." Garfield said as he turned and walked away with cool style.
At that moment Michael Fassbender stopped dead in his tracks and his body overwhelmed by the glory of lasagna began to distort and swell like tumorous water balloon.
"No Garfield undo this I promise to reform!" Michael Fassbender screamed with weaselish guilt.
"The only thing to reform here is your face. Welcome to the cutting room floor." Garfield said as Michael Fassbender explodinged with such propulsion he blew beyond the stratosphere.
"I always thought his performances were out of this world." Garfield quipped as he took out cigarette for victory smoking.
"Thank you Garfield for saving the Assassin brand from Hollywood misuse!" Altair said with congratulations as all the Assassins lined up to give Garfield high-fives as he passed.
"What will you do now Garfield, now that you have finished saving the world again?" Jon Arbuckle asked as Garfield did pose for cheering audience.
"The main feature is over, but I'm staying for the post-credits surprise." Garfield said as a trapdoor opened, revealing Marion Cotillard.
"Oh Garfield at least you have come for me!" Marion Cotillard exhumed with jubilation upon seeing her savior. "Michael Fassbender was to make me star in all manner of vile celluloid abminations!"
"Don't worry screen angel, together we will make different sort of hardcore action film." Garfield winked to cheers and thumbs-ups from the audiences as he scooped Marion Cotillard up in his arms and planted upon her a kiss of Parisian passion. Applauded like there was no tomorrow, Garfield embarked on his journey with Marion Cotillard to luxury suite with his hair blowing very macho in the wind, where together they would make America love again in these uncertain times.
Nothing was true, everything was permitted. All for the want of Garfield, the ultimate man.
Authors Note: No matter how bad it may seem just remember we are still all one nation under Garfield! This Valentines Day ask yourself what would Garfield do and together we too can make American love again!