Harry Potter and the Blessed Blood
***Despite my plans to eventually own things, Harry Potter will never be one of them. ***
Ladies and Gentlemen welcome to the last part of Harry Potter and the Blessed Blood outtakes! Originally there was going to be an extra one of these thrown in but... well plans change and such. Thus this will be a culmination of all the entire story, rather than just focusing on the last part, which was a bit too combat oriented to make funny outtakes with.
None of this is to be considered part of the story in any way shape or form
A/N located at end.
-I need an adult (Aka: what happens when the adults are actually competent)-
"Headmaster after extensive research for more than say... five minutes I have come to the conclusion that the Durlseys are not fit to raise a magical child... also that are assholes."
The Headmaster nodded at his deputy, "Well obviously we will need to put the boy somewhere else, it would be downright irresponsible to leave the hero of our world in a bad environment. Considering how Sirius Black was just cleared of all charges with all the evidence presented we will leaving the boy child with him and Mr. Lupin."
"A very well thought out solution Albus, it is a good thing we are responsible adults and not complete morons who would throw an innocent man in prison and a child into an abusive home on a whim and not investigating further."
"Sir, what is that?"
"Ah Severus come in, as I was just informing Minerva this is the mystical Philosopher Stone. It was given to me by the famed alchemist to keep safe from the Dark Lord who we suspect has returned."
"So what are you going to do with it?"
"Well I was planning on keeping it at Hogwarts under a large assortment of traps... but that would involve endangering literally hundreds of students and would be borderline criminal of me... so I was just going to destroy it instead. I mean if it is that dangerous there is no reason to keep it around right? Also we already caught one possessed professor via our 'evil detector' so no reason to chance another."
"You mean Fawkes?"
"A very good idea Headmaster, was there anything else?"
"Ah yes of course, you are to stop this childish bullying of Mr. Potter. You are an adult and one of his professors, thus you are considered to be a guardian while he is here. Frankly the idea of bullying him excessively just to pretend to be a spy is a bit silly anyway."
"I see your point, I will do better sir."
"Albus a student has been found petrified and... what are you doing?"
"Ah Minerva come in, I have already contacted the Aurors and prepared the school for evacuation. In the meantime Sirius Black has informed me of this wonderful map that can track individuals in the school. I have been using it to ascertain the identity of our mysterious heir and the Basilisk they have unleashed."
"You are sure that is the creature?"
"Of course, everything fits so well that even a twelve year old could figure it out. Obviously being well over a hundred I could as well. Please bring Miss Weasley up to my office with the book that radiates evil magic as soon as possible."
"Of course Albus, but how did you figure it out?"
"The entire school was extensively warded after the first incident in which a student was killed under strange circumstances. I just wanted to ensure that Miss Weasley would not be put in harms way should the object be removed from her care. At this point it is too dangerous not to however."
"Albus it appears as though the Minister wants to put evil, soul sucking, happiness devouring monsters at the school for protection of the children."
"Well that is about the dumbest thing I have ever heard, why not just have a handful of Aurors stationed at the school instead? Far safer really..."
"Mr. Potter it appears you have been entered into the Tri-Wizard Tournament. Now considering I already set a dozen wards and monitoring charms on the Goblet, and thus know who placed you in it, and we have already arrested the Death Eater who was seeking to harm you. In order to prevent something else from happening I suggest you simply show up to each task, declare you are not ready, and then give up. No need to risk your life on something designed to harm those several years older and more experienced than you."
"Headmaster according to Mr. Potter he is being tortured by Dolores Umbridge."
"Oh my, well then call in the Aurors and have her arrested, if she is dumb enough to torture a celebrity in a school she is dumb enough to leave evidence in her possession."
"Harry I originally had an incredibly convoluted and complicated plan in which you and your friends would travel the country searching for obscure enchanted items that are incredibly dangerous in order to weaken the most powerful Dark Lord of all time so that you could have a final duel with a man who has well over fifty years of experience in killing people over you... but then I realized that I hadn't taken my medicine that day. Upon doing so I see how terrible that is... so instead we will be sending trained professionals to do this while I and several others spend the next year or so training you in combating the dark arts. It really is a good thing that we take your safety so seriously here at Hogwarts..."
-(By popular demand...) ONE PUNCH!-
Harry Potter was just an ordinary six year old boy, that is until his dreadful uncle came home one day, drunk and angry at the world. In his inebriated state he decided that taking his rage out on the defenseless child was a good idea.
A loud explosion rocked the house moments later, before Petunia Dursley burst into the room to behold her husband cratered into the wall, and her nephew holding out his hand in a small fist.
From that point on no one dared so much as yell at the child.
Hermione Granger screamed in horror as the massive creature smashed its way through the doorway into the bathroom she had fled to. Truly this was the end for her, there was no way she would possibly survive an encounter with such a monster and...
A small hand tugged and the troll's leg. "Excuse me, you should leave her alone."
The beast turned around, raising its club to smash the boy in retaliation. The small child punched it instead, exploding upper part of the foul thing and coating the room in blood and remains.
Hermione Granger promptly passed out in shock, and thus missed the frustrated growl of the boy.
"Seriously again!? One freaking punch!?"
"Well well well look who has finally joined me, the legendary boy-who-lived, come to save the Philosopher Stone for Dumbledore?"
"Uh yeah I guess, listen if you could just surrender and turn yourself in..."
"NONSENSE! PREPARE TO DIE A HORRIBLE DEATH! AVA..."
Before the man could finish his incantation he was punched...and promptly launched through five walls, four pillars, a three headed dog, two potion labs, a girl's bathroom, and Draco Malfoy's hair gel collection.
"Behold Harry Potter, the monster of Slytherin a thousand year old..." Now the memory of Tom Riddle had seen a lot of things in its long lifespan. Since it was tied to the Dark Lord it shared some of his memories, especially those of the beasts and creatures he had enslaved. Thus Werewolves, Dementors, Inferi, Basilisks, trolls, giants, and other horrific monstrosities were all known to him.
That said what he had never seen was a twelve year old boy punch a sixty foot long monster snake, causing it to explode into tiny little pieces all of the walls... and then promptly fall to his knees complaining about how 'unfair it all was'.
The memory of Tom Riddle promptly returned Ginny Weasley to life, and retired from his plans to become a Dark Lord. He later went on to become a popular painter, whose style consisted of taking buckets of various colors, mostly reds and greens, and throwing them haphazardly onto a canvas.
He claimed that the idea came to him once in a horrible nightmare.
"Now be careful Harry, the first task in the tournament is to face a ferocious monster the likes of which you have never..."
"Listen I killed a bloody Basilisk when I was twelve, I think I got this."
The boy promptly walked out, stared down a charging dragon, before punching it so hard that the monster exploded into a beautiful fireworks display, which oddly enough resembled a very romantic confession of secret love and affection.
This would lead to more than a dozen marriage proposals from various females, as well as Draco Malfoy, to the boy-who-lived.
"Oh I see Potter, you think you know more about facing the dark arts than I do hm?" Umbridge... well did whatever the hell her face normally did. It could have been called a 'sneer' but Severus Snape had filed a complaint with the ministry claiming that his default facial expression would not be copied by a 'pink toad'.
"Well all considering the last four years I have spent in this school... yes."
"Oh? So why don't you give the class a demonstration of you technique then hm?"
"Uh I really don't think that is a good idea..." the boy replied, while the rest of the class quickly urged him on, if nothing else but to shut the woman up.
"No no please I insist."
"Uhm okay, what should I..."
"You should use her Harry... I mean that is what the instructor is for right? To show everyone what is going on?" Hermione quickly chimed in, already hating the dreadful woman and hoping that her best friend/secret crush would turn the woman into paste.
"Yes, what a lovely idea, on me if you please Mr. Potter."
"Uhm the thing is..."
"Today Mr. Potter..."
"Er... well I guess if you are telling me to..."
That day would mark the end of the shortest term for a Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher at Hogwarts.
"I have finally done it..." the elderly wizard muttered as both Harry and Voldemort lay defeated in the grand chamber. It had been a hard fought victory... but he had managed to triumph once again. Now he could finally fulfill his destiny once and for all. All three Hallows were united, and the former Headmaster felt himself given the power over life and death. Now for the first order of business.
A specter appeared before the man after a wave of his hand, a young girl returned from the beyond to ease an old man's suffering, and to right a wrong long passed.
"A-Ariana you have returned to me... after so many years. I am so..."
"Albus, it is good to see you again. I just have one question for you."
"O-of course dearest sister, anything!" and it was true, Albus Dumbledore would do anything for his formerly deceased sister.
"What..." she began, before her features shifted into an angry scowl. "THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING! I know you were upset but to let an innocent boy suffer like that! Then there was the Philosopher Stone and the troll! Then the Basilisk! I swear Albus I always knew you were the dumbest of the three of us but I figured that after a hundred years you would have learned your lesson!"
The newly returned girl was not having it though, and promptly reached out to grab a hold of the man's ear, "No! No more excuses Albus! You are going to fix this and then you are going to go and find Aberforth. It seems like I am going to have to punish you both for your actions... AGAIN!"
The man tried to nod, although doing so sent ripples of pain through his body as her grip did not lesson, "Of course Ariana dear of course, I am sorry I will... ow not so hard!"
-The Master of Death-
Harry Potter clutched the Elder Wand in his right hand, with the Resurrection Stone in his left and the Invisibility Cloak draped around his shoulders. All three Hallows, all three united by him. For the first time a Master of Death had emerged, now all he had to do was utilize them.
Suddenly the room grew cold, ice cold in fact, his breath becoming visible as a shiver ran down his spine. There was something else as well, a presence that had not been there previously. Something dark, borderline evil. A cloaked figure with skeletal hands standing before him where before there was empty space.
Death itself taken physical form.
Just as Harry prepared to call out to it, to claim his just reward it spoke first.
The boy-who-lived blinked in confusion as a mass of balloons and brightly colored streamers appeared out of nowhere. To be honest it was more than a little odd that the entity known as 'Death' also sounded like an overzealous salesman.
"You are our very first Master of Death! For your troubles you have received the following grand rewards!"
A skeletal hand reached out, and presented an envelope to the teen, who took it in confusion. Inside was a fifty dollar Starbucks gift card, a lifetime membership to the 'Yacht club', and a twenty-five percent off coupon to a craft store located in Diagon alley.
"Uhm... what is..."
"Your reward of course, don't spend it all in one place now."
-An Alternative Punishment-
Lord Voldemort sat angrily in his six by eight foot cell. How had it come to this? How had he been defeated by a mere child? How was his magic stripped? But most importantly... how in the hell was the old man still humming the same freaking song!?
Sure enough across from the pale bastard sat his room mate, on their shared bunk beds, nodding his head back and forth as he hummed an unknown tune.
"Could you kindly... SHUT THE HELL UP!"
"Hm? Oh I am so very glad to see you are speaking to me again Tom. We are destined to be roommates... forever after all."
It was true, somehow the boy-who-pissed-him-off had found a way to give the old man immortality as well... which meant they would be stuck together... FOREVER.
"Don't remind me Dumbledore, just shut up and let me go back to my brooding."
"Of course Tom, of course."
Luckily for the red-eyed man a bell chimed, which meant one of the few points in the day in which he was able to reap glorious vengeance upon the bearded bastard.
"Alright shut up you two, food is here." a guard snarled as the lower portion of the door slid open to allow two trays of food into the locked cell.
Albus nodded, before sadly taking the tray listed as his. It was filled with vegetables, meat, pastas, fruits and other balanced nutrients.
Voldemort's, on the other hand, "Oh would you look at that, no matter how often I tell the guards they still insist on giving me only candy and sweets for dinner." Giving an overly reluctant sigh the man began to slowly consume the sugar filled meal, savoring the depressed look on the other occupants face far more than the actual food itself. If it wasn't so much fun to eat the items in front of Dumbledore he was quite sure that he would have refused the meals after the first day... but it was such a delightful torture.
A/N So this is the 'Last Chapter' of Harry Potter and the Blessed Blood. I will leave the voting up for probably another week or two for my next story before I begin work on the first chapter. Thank you all so much for reading, reviewing, favoriting, and following my story.
For those of you who have mentioned corrections in your reviews: I do plan on going back and making changes at a later date, but right now I just want to be done and start something new.