The Silmarillion For Idiots


Disclaimer: ..*sigh* I don't own LOTR..yet.

Note: This is a very (and I mean, VERY) condensed version of the Silmarillion and in writing this, I am in no way disrespecting the great J.R.R. Tolkien..hopefully. *hides as people bring out the tomatoes*

At the urging of reviewers and the pleasantry of a weekend (of which I should be studying for an AP test..), I have updated now. I apologize IMMENSELY for the slowness. -_- I have been working on other stories muchly and homework is hell by itself. I'm sorry! *gives Keebler Elf cookies that say "Do you believe in Elves?" on the back to everyone* Enjoy! And don't throw tomatoes or jab pointy sticks at- *ducks* Aw, hell.



The History of the Silmarils


Of the Coming of the Elves and the Captivity of Melkor

Valar blissful in happy place in light of Trees.

Since Lamps go bye, Middle-Earth all dark.

Very dark.

Night, even.

Thus dark oldish stuff arises in forests.

Valar decide oldish stuff creepy.

Not go to forests.

Smart Valar.

Except Yavanna, obsessor of nature.

And Oromë, for no good reason whatsoever.

Yavanna cry.

Because green pretty stuff not growing.

Because dark.

No photosynthesis.

Valar have no idea what photosynthesis is, so we move on.

As Melkor is evil, he must build evil place (Utumno) to live evilly in.

Evil things walk in Middle-Earth now.

That can't be good.

Some evil things are corrupted spirits.

That spontaneously be like Melkor.

Have whips of flame and all that good stuff.

Called Balrogs. (dundundun!)

Melkor's realm spread south.

Because south is good place to spread.

Melkor decide one big evil realm not good enough.

Build another realm.

Called Angband, commanded by Sauron, the lieutenant.

Bad Sauron.

Yavanna and Oromë tell Valar there be evil stuff in Middle-Earth (Outer Lands).

Valar go "Hmm. That can't be good."

Hold council.

Yavanna talk some more: "We will have hope. Our Children will awake. We must fight Melkor."

Yavanna be quite liberal, no?

Tulkas go "War! War! War!"

Mandos talk for Manwë because Manwë busy eating Twinkies. (or in some other way, speech-deficient).

Mandos say: "No. Children come later in more evil times. Yes, that is good plan. They will look to Varda for help because she's pretty."

Varda stand up and decide to observe stars.

Is Melkor not concern anymore?!

Melkor = Evil!

End of author rant.

Varda decide not enough stars and make more from Telperion's dews.

Apparantly great labor and all Valar go "Oooh. How pretty!"

Now Varda gets some nicknames: Tintallë, the Kindler; Elentári, Queen of the Stars.

She decides name stars: Carnil, Luinil, Nénar, etc.

Put stars together into constellations.

Menelmacar one of these. (think Orion with the shiny belt)

When Menelmacar go up, Elves "awake".

Awake from deep sleep by Cuiviénen, Water of Awakening.

Also known as pretty lake thing.

Elves first see stars.

Poof, Elves love stars.

Varda go "All right! They love me, yes they do."

Elves first hear water.

They like water lots.

Call themselves Quendi and begin to talk muchly.

Give everything names. (no wonder 'chloroplast' sounds so funny....)

Coincidentally, Oromë riding on big horse, Nahar, towards Elves.

Nahar go "NEIIIIGH."

Oromë go "Hm. I hear singing. What could it be, considering Varda can't make stars without me noticing? I shall go and find out."

Oromë finds out.

Oromë think Elves pretty and nice.

Valar go "Oooh. So THAT'S where the Elves went. Yay. We found them."

Elves become all great and beautiful.

But fear Oromë.

Because Melkor sneaky.

Melkor send evil stuff to spy on Elves and waylay them.

How evil of the evil stuff.

So any stray Elves go bye.

Other Elves go "Oh no! Must be Oromë's fault."

Elves so moved by this that they make songs out of it.

Many songs.

As you can tell, Melkor not like Oromë very much.

Some Elves not so smart.

Go "Oh, let's wander over to Melkor's evil side for curiosity's sake."

They are put in prisons in Utumno.

Made into Orcs through torture.

Author pity Elves muchly.

Orcs multiply muchly.

Do not ask author how.

Author does not know and does not want to know.

But Orcs have nice side: they hate Melkor.

Way to go, Melkor.

Oromë return to Valar to report shadows that were making Elves go bye.

Valar go "Hm. Would be good for Elves if we protect them from evil shadowy things. Make us look very godly."

Manwë go "I know! We take over Middle Earth (Arda) and shadow things go bye."

Aulë sad.

No like destroy pretty things on Middle Earth.

Valar go "War! War! War!"

And there be a war.

Valar fight Melkor in North-west region.

Boom. Bang. Crash.

Region pretty much destroyed.

Valar go "Woo! We won!"

Valar put guard around Elves at Cuiviénen.

Elves have no idea war is going on.

Even though they hear Earth shake, water move, and big bonfire- like....fires.

Random Elf: "Hm. Nope. There's no war. Maybe Valar be ten-pin bowling..."

Valar attack Utumno.

Lots more Boom. Bang. Crash.

Somehow Great Sea grow wide and deep.

Lots of little bays made.

Back to war.

Gates of Utumno fell down.

Melkor hide in uttermost pit (because, as you know, the Valar can't find him in a pit. Nope. Never.)

Tulkas wrestle Melkor.

Melkor loses.

Is bound with chain (called Angainor) Aulë made.

Middle-Earth will have peace for long time.

Valar decide "Ach. We got Melkor. We done."

And take Melkor back to Valinor.

Still lots of evil things LINGERING.


Valar go "La dee da."

Melkor is blindfolded and brought to Ring of Doom.

Melkor go "I want out..please."

Manwë say "Mwahahaha! No."

Melkor thrown into inescapable prison in fastness of Mandos for three ages.

Mandos go "Yay..."

Valar in council again and talk about Elves.

They are divided and debating.

Ulmo chief of one half and say "Let the Elves be free!"

Other half say "No! Must protect them from evil! We must be godly!"

That half won.

Ulmo say "Crap."

Elves summoned to Valinor.

To be under light of Trees forever.

Elves unwilling because afraid of Valar.

Oromë go among them and choose ambassadors who go to Valinor and speak for rest of Elves.

He go "You, you, and you."

You, you, and you be Ingwë, Finwë, and Elwë.

They became kings.

Ingwë, Finwë, and Elwë say "Awesome."

They see Valar and go "Ooo! Pretty Valar! Pretty lights! We want to stay at Valinor."

They go back and talk to Elves about pretty Valar and pretty lights.

Elves divide though.

Most go "Okay. We like pretty Valar and pretty lights. We will go to Valinor."

They known as Eldar.

Rest go "Nope. We like trees and stars. We stay. Bye bye."

They known as Avari (the Unwilling).

Eldar leave in three groups.

Smallest and first group be Ingwë's group.

Ingwë be most high lord.

Ingwë say "Even more awesome."

Kindred Elves he lead called Vanyar, the Fair People.

Vanyar say "We're very fair. Pretty fair. See our hair?"

Manwë and Varda go "Ooo. For no clear reason whatsoever, we decide we like them best."

Next group is Noldor, the Deep Elves.

Led by Finwë.

Noldor say "We're not shallow. We're deep. Very deep. DEEP."

Aulë go "Ooo. For also no clear reason whatsoever, I decide I like them best."

Biggest group is last: the Teleri, the Sea-elves.

Led by Elwë and his brother, Olwë.

Teleri say "We like the sea. And we like to sing. A lot. And we're good. We could win American Idol." (well, maybe not the last sentence..)

Teleri iffy on Valinor issue.

They say "Hm. To go or not to go? Let's just walk and sing. The answer will come to us....eventually."

All those Elves go to Valinor in uttermost West and called Calaquendi, Elves of the Light.

Some Elves got lost.

Or decide not to go.

Or lingered.

Thus stay in Middle-Earth.

Calaquendi call those Elves the Úmanyar.

Call both Úmanyar and Avari, the Moriquendi, Elves of the Darkness.

Because they never see the Light.

March to Valinor long and slow.

Led by Oromë.

And his horse Nahar.

Elves journey many years.

Find big big big river.

Decide call it Anduin the Great.

Elves encounter big tall scary mountains built by Melkor a while ago to hinder riding of Oromë.

Nahar say "Pbbt to Melkor."

One Elf rises and goes "Me no like scary mountains. People who no like scary mountains, follow me."

Elf called Lenwë.

Lots of Elves have names that end in "-wë", no?

Elves that follow Lenwë called Nandor.

Nandor also love water.

Live by lots of water.

And knows lots and lots of things about nature.

Yavanna say "Go nature!"

In after years, Denethor, son of Lenwë, lead Nandor west again and into Beleriand.

Finally, Vanyar and Noldor cross over Blue Mountains (Ered Luin).

And Teleri pass over Misty Mountains.

Elwë hurry them and not wish to be sundered with Noldor.

Elwë and Finwë best friends.

Elwë say "I love you, Finwë!"

Finwë go "...Ehh?"

Elwë reply "Friendly way, of course."

Finwë go "Ah."

After more years, Teleri finally go over Ered Luin too.

Stopped awhile and settle beyond River Gelion.

Teleri like water way too much.


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