Part One- Damn
I am Shirou Kamui. There's probably no one as damned as me in this entire world. I'm studying here at the Clamp Campus for about half a year now. I am absolutely a nobody here. No one cares that I exist. No one minds whether I do something great or something terrible here. Nobody wants, or will likely, look at me and at my purple eyes. Everyone won't bother nevertheless. I'm like a wind. But oh wait, people can still feel the wind's warm or cold presence on their skin so therefore I am not. Nobody knows me. Perhaps, no one wants to know me.
I almost forgot. Someone shouts my name everyday. And that's an honor. He's my friend Segawa Keiichi. We are both dirtbags, if he doesn't mind me putting him in the same category with me. So somehow, we manage to survive everyday in school with just each other. I admire him. But I don't like him the same way he probably likes me. I'm stupid. I will never be able to return the same degree of affection he's giving me. He's the only one who cares and listens to me. And yet, I'm not contented with him. Yes. I know how ironic life is. Especially mine. Perhaps, there's no hope for me. I just knew it.
"Wait for me!"
He's screaming too loud again. Well, no one really minds and cares if either of us scream at the top of his lungs. Everyone has his or her own problems to scream at. We are not worth any millisecond of anyone's time. That's what everyone believes in. And Keiichi and I live each day knowing that.
"Didn't I ask you to wait for me, KAMUI-KUN!"
"Don't shout. You're pestering everyone on this hallway," I tell Keiichi. You can say that it's my affectionate way of saying "shut up." But nobody even bothers to give me a look as a sign of acknowledgement or gratitude for shutting Keiichi up. See. We are truly nothing. I am. Truly nothing. I stop walking so that Keiichi can catch up with me.
"Kamui, you are always like that…" he says for a total record of thirty-seven thousand times already.
Yes. I'm always like this. I don't want to change. Even if I do, no one will ever notice. So it's absolutely nonsense. There's no use. And it sucks big time.
"Change for me," my friend says again for the thirty-seven thousandth time. He always adds that to the sentence he said a while ago.
Why should I? He is already used seeing me like this. I won't waste my time changing myself for nothing.
I ignored what he said and gives him a cold response, "Stop screaming for a change."
Wait. I don't intend to change myself. So I don't have the right to ask Keiichi to stop doing something he is used doing.
"Okay… Perhaps I would. If that's what you want," he answers with a bittersweet smile.
Miserable. I am.
"So… come on! Let's eat our lunch!" He tells me cheerfully. I like his smile. That is one of his assets I always wanted to have as well.
"You have a beautiful smile. You just never let it show." I remember my aunt Tokiko once told me this. How I wish it were true. She was right. I never let anyone see my so-called beautiful smile. Not even Keiichi. He'll probably faint if I will suddenly flash to him a smile.
"Come on! Cheer up!" he says, this time, for the gazillionth time (if "gazillionth" is even a word).
I will never be able to cheer up. I know that the way I speak sounds cold and uncaring. But I am not really a cold and uncaring person. As a matter of fact, I'm very emotional. Especially when it comes to those people I care for. Who are those people anyway, you might ask. Do I really care for someone? No, no. Not Keiichi. I care for him in a different way. Only in a friendly way.
"Hi, Seishirou-san! Hi to you too, Fuuma-kun," says someone.
Fuuma. My whole body freezes.
"He's here, Kamui," Keiichi whispers to my ears.
Yes he is. And he's just inches away from me.
"Oh, hi," Fuuma greets back.
That voice… is his voice. So cold yet so heart-piercing. I tilt my head to look at him. He is smiling at everyone. Except at me. It makes me upset. Why?
… Fuuma. He is Monou Fuuma and he's almost one year older than I am. He is the most attractive person here in the campus. He is cool, at the same time a hottie. Haha. Did I just mention the word "hottie"? It's not like me, ne? Sorry, I was just carried away.
"Adorable as always," somebody tells Fuuma.
Yes he is. That's why everybody wants to get in his baggy pants. Male or female. I did say everybody. And yes, I admit. Including myself. I want him. Just like the way everybody does. I actually fantasize about him. And that is my and everyone else's limit. We can only dream about being with him. Because Seishirou won't even let us lay a finger on Fuuma. If ever someone will, he or she will die immediately.
No. I'm not exaggerating. He'll kill us if we dare to do that. With those weird swirling Sakura petals behind him, he will kill us. Everyone is afraid of him and he's not even a student here but he can go in and out as he pleases. Damn him.
All we know about him is that Fuuma is his. He is Fuuma's owner. He is Fuuma's, too.
"Come on, Fuuma-kun. They are already too pleasured to see you," Seishirou tells Fuuma in a very... erotic way.
Sakurazuka Seishirou… He is attractive, too. Very, to say at the least. He is charming and as far as the hearsays and I are concerned, Fuuma got attracted to Seishirou first. Then Seishirou thought that Fuuma's lovely and that he should have him. Then they fell madly deeply in love with each other and lived happily every after. Or so I thought. Their "love team" became a campus figure. They are very popular. They are equally fierce. Everyone wants to be with them. Either of them. But I want…
"Hey, he's staring at you," Keiichi whispers to me.
I steal a glance at Fuuma once again. This time, he is smiling seductively at his lover.
Keiichi has just fooled me. I thought what he said was true. I want to cough.
"I was saying the truth, Kamui! He was staring at you while you were lost in your thoughts!"
"Curse you, Keiichi," I whisper back at him.
"He was! Those golden eyes were glued at your snowy cheeks! Believe me!" He says frantically.
Snowy cheeks your face, Keiichi, I murmur mentally.
Heaven if that's true. But I know it isn't. Now Keiichi's the one daydreaming.
I take a glimpse at Fuuma once again. I'm disappointed. As always. He is now walking away with Seishirou's appealing existence. They both look so contented with each other's presence. I want to kill Seishirou. He takes Fuuma away from everyone. Away from me.
"Oh away he goes… He's gone again." Keiichi tells me. Or perhaps he is saying that to all those students who want Fuuma in their arms. Crap. No one else can have him now. He's obviously taken. By Seishirou. But I know that if ever he is still single, he wouldn't notice me anyway. I'm as good as a dust. Dust is better than I am? Oh yeah. A person would get the dust away from his eyes since it's dirty. But as for me, I suppose no one will notice my dirt.
"There's no reason for us to stay here. He's already out of sight," I tell Keiichi bluntly.
"Riiiight…" is the only response I get from him.
I've gotten used to watching Fuuma's back while he is walking away. Those broad shoulders that I dreamt about last night. And prayed that I could lick it or kiss it. Either way I'll be very much contented.
I admit that I have already mastered the art of torturing myself whenever I'm gluing my eyes at Fuuma while he is with Seishirou. It really is a hopeless case. You can't see Fuuma without Seishirou. It's very pathetic. He's like Seishirou's dog. An expensive and beautiful one. I guess it's wrong to compare the love of my life to a dog. But this is me. A foolish admirer who knows that my chances are close to nothing. No one really gives a damn about my feelings.
"I care… Don't you believe me?" Subaru tells me. He is my roommate here in the apartment I'm living in.
"Tell me what's wrong," he says this crap every single night.
"Can't you see, everything's wrong!" I cry on his shoulders once again.
Just for the record, this would be the gazillionth tear I've shed.
"I know you get this a lot. But tell me what's bothering you right now," he pleads.
"You give me that a lot! Shut up, Subaru!"
I want to hurt Subaru's feelings. I want to because I want him to stop distressing me.
"Can't you see I love you?" he says for the fifth time tonight.
It's futile. I won't be able to love him back. He's special. I'm aware of that for a very long time already. But I don't love him. I tried once but it just didn't work.
"Love… what's with that…" I whisper with a little sob.
"Love! I love you, Kamui! Why can't you love me back! Is it difficult to love a person like me! I want you! You've been tempting me for a long while now!"
I'm not tempting Subaru. He's inventing sentences.
"I can't love you… why… because I'm not right for you. You are special. And I'm nothing."
I can't bear to tell him now that I want someone else.
"No, no… Kamui… Come here… Kiss me…"
The first time I kissed Subaru was last month. But I felt nothing. I kissed him because I want to discover if there would be a change once I do that. At the same time, he asked me to try it. The kiss was long. But it was not even close to what I was expecting. In my thoughts, I thought kissing someone would be exciting, passionate, and hot. But I felt nothing like that when I kissed Subaru's mouth. I just felt his warm saliva on my lips. After that, nothing about us changed.
"No… I'm not as stupid as before to do that again… Let's just accept the truth."
"What truth?" He asks me with sincere eyes. Those emerald eyes that I put some tears with using only my words. He's the owner of those eyes. And I'm the owner of those harsh words.
"I love somebody else… I want him, all this time… though it's hopeless."
There, I finally said it.
"Who! Segawa! DAMMIT!" he says, almost shouting. I'm always frightened whenever he does that. I've never seen him this angry before. He has always been so gentle. Now I made him angry. I'm so... yes, stupid.
"No, Subaru, no! Not him! You don't get my point here!" I shout back at him. I raised my voice at him… again.
"DAMN IT ALL! Now who the hell is this person, may I know?"
Yes. Damn it all. It's useless to say who this person is since he doesn't even know my name anyway.
I become silent. I don't want him to know about my feelings for a person who doesn't really give a damn about me. Subaru will just make a mess out of it again.
Realizing that I am now quiet, or should I say very upset, Subaru starts caressing my hair gently, "See… I'm sorry, Kamui, I didn't mean to scare you… I just…"
"It's okay, Subaru… please… just understand…"
He slowly leans forward. Gives my pale cheek a peck. I nod. I couldn't kiss his cheek back. Not something I would do. Now this is weird. He's kissing my neck now.
"Stop it! I thought you understood me!" I yell while pushing his head away from me. I don't want this to go far. I'm reserving the only "thing" I have for the person I love. Now you have an idea that I will never be able to give that "thing" away.
The next morning, in campus, it is like every other ordinary day. The blowing wind is cold. The chirping of the birds is like music to my ears. I wish my life is like the bird's. Fly. Chirp. Eat. Can they love? I wish they can because I can't live without love. Haha. I wish there's a bird version of Fuuma. No, no, no Seishirou. Just… Fuuma and myself. It's very impossible for me to have him. But then, I can always dream and imagine.
"Ah… gentleman… excuse me," someone says.
Hmm. Gentleman. That word doesn't really fit me. Maybe the other meaning of it. But does that word have another meaning? Crap.
"Y-yes…?" I tilt my head a bit to see the owner of the voice. The voice that seems very… familiar to my ears… could it possibly be…
"Have you seen Seishirou around?"
Fuuma. Monou Fuuma. The person whom I blindly admire and love. Is standing right in front of me now.
"Umm… I suppose you didn't." He turns his back. No. Not now. Please not now.
"W- WAIT!" I try to call him back, "I think he is-"
"Right here, Fuuma-kun, my precious." I now see a figure of someone walking from the bushes. How dramatic.
"Oh, there you are. I thought you were up to something else again, Seishirou," Fuuma says. Then, he walks away from me. Not even looking back. He kisses Seishirou's lips. Witnessing something like that pierces my weak heart. Then, they both fade away.
"Wait… Fuuma…" I whisper to no one.
This morning… is one of the happiest mornings I've ever had… yet, it's disappointing. Fuuma. He noticed me. But just for a second. But… I'm still happy about it. I have nothing more to ask for.