Chapter Fifteen- Past
Disclaimers: X and all the wonderful characters belong to CLAMP-sama. At least not the play director who isn't wonderful at all! XD 'Verboten Love' belongs to me But it isn't wonderful either! D
AN: Thanks to everyone who read and reviewed the last chapter! I'll try to reply or e-mail to all of you as soon as possible!
/And when I dislike something, I destroy it./
He just said it thirty seconds ago but it's like it has played inside my brain for the 23047th time now.
I can feel my heart throbbing rapidly. I already felt like this before... when Fuuma kissed me. But that entirely is a different story.
My palms refrained from sweating. It's only as cold as dead at this instant.
I still make an effort to stare hard at the Sakurazukamori's eyes. I want to show him I'm not petrified of him even though I, in all honesty, want to flee from him right now.
And I do mean right now.
I clenched my fist harder; I'm still struggling to carry on my breathing.
It's like I'm facing death, being in front of him.
But he, while I desperately want to cry my heart out and screech for rescue, is just standing there still, returning my glare like sharp daggers of doom. He's still smirking. I wonder if what's hiding behind that smirk.
I must say something. I really should. Or else, he might end up slaying me if ever he gets bored waiting for a response from me.
I promised Fuuma that we'll see each other today. I want to see him. I tremendously want to. My lover... is waiting for me after days of not seeing each other.
I want to keep my promise.
I'll not die. Not today. Not by this bastard's hand.
And so I gather all the courage that is left in my system.
I grimace, my teeth are almost gnashing. I strive to make my eyes sharper.
"Just what the hell do you want from me!" I yell.
But he just smiles in return, "I told you, didn't I? Don't make me repeat it, little one.
I swallow awkwardly. I'm attempting to maintain my composure, avoiding looking weak and vulnerable.
"I didn't? Oh well I guess you didn't get what I'm trying to say here." He just mutters in a soft relaxing voice.
And then, he pulls out a cigarette from his coat.
I swear to gods I thought he was going to pull out a gun.
He also gets hold of his precious lighter.
He lights it and then walks closer to me.
I step a little bit backward. I'm afraid. Really afraid. But I shouldn't be. I'm not the feeble little Kamui anymore. Not anymore. Not ever.
Because Fuuma said I should never think the same way again.
"Fuuma... that boy is mine until I'm sick of him. He's my prey until I want him to. He is my possession until I enjoy his beautiful, sensual existence."
He's talking about Fuuma as if Fuuma's just a toy he is currently playing with. As if later on when he doesn't want Fuuma anymore, he'll just throw him away with no care. Like he never took pleasure in him.
And I hate the way he talks.
He's talking crap.
But he continues, insensitive to what I'm feeling or thinking at this point in time.
"I know. You do have interest on him. And he does to you as well. That's fine with me. But he is still my lover. I won't let you get in the way. I won't let you beat me over him. Not by you."
I can say that his ego is higher than the Tokyo Tower. He doesn't love Fuuma to the slightest bit. But because everyone knows that Fuuma and he are lovers, he wants to leave it that way.
I understand him pretty well. If ever anyone learns that Fuuma left him for me, then it'd be a big dishonor to his part.
He doesn't want to be defeated by me. By I who is known to no one, detested and a teenage dirtbag.
But to Fuuma I'm everything.
"You think you two can ever hide from me? Well I must tell you that you can't. Not at all. I very well know that Fuuma checked-in in a motel. He used to, before. But he's with me. But I learned from reliable sources that he checked-in with you. That's absurd."
I don't want to say a thing.
So he carries on with his little speech, "And he even told me to goddamn leave him alone when he knows that I won't. He's acting a little bit strange now. Unlike before when he used to be so physical with me. I miss that Fuuma dearly. He's like that nowadays because of you and you only."
I don't know but I just keep on listening. This guy is really getting into my nerves already.
"So I guess I must kill you once and for all." He says, like he's only saying a simple 'hello'.
And that makes me twitch a little bit.
I will not die.
"Leave me alone! Leave Fuuma alone!" That's all I can say.
He starts to get nearer to me. And then before I can even notice it, he's seizing my wrist now.
My eyes grow larger. I gasp. But there's no change with his facial reaction at all. He's still smiling, he looks benign and innocent. But I know that it's a devious smile. Devil.
"You choose. I kill you or I... bed you?" He says in a teasing voice.
"What the hell--?"
I shall die than to make out with him!
I know he's trying to say something, do something. Play with my puzzled and scared mind. But then...
We're both interrupted by this certain intruder.
"I see it's you again..." He says, looking at Seishirou callously.
And so with that, Seishirou's attention is diverted to Subaru.
But Subaru transfers his emerald eyes to me, "Kamui, you left your English book. I have it here with me."
My eyes just blink automatically, "S—Subaru...?"
Then he glances at Seishirou again, "Let go of him."
His voice is cold, impassive. It sounds like a warning.
"But I'm trying to make a deal with your little Kamui here." Seishirou's smile becomes sweeter.
But Subaru isn't even distracted by it.
"Make a deal with me then."
Seishirou finally turns away from me to concentrate on Subaru. He tosses his cigarette away and faces Subaru.
While I stand in confusion.
"You're a very interesting person indeed. Despite you being not Kamui's real boyfriend." Seishirou lets out a small chuckle while Subaru is a bit taken aback.
"How did you--?" he whispers.
But Seishirou doesn't let him finish, "I was asking Kamui, before you came, to choose whether I kill him or I bed him. He hasn't chosen anything yet."
I see Subaru gulps, still trying to keep a straight face.
Now he's the one staring intensely at Seishirou.
"Then let me choose for him."
That bastard's eyes grow with larger interest, I can see it.
Until Subaru says, calmly:
"Bed me then instead."
I'm surprised. Does Subaru even know what he's talking about!
My eyes bulge in shock, I extend my arms in hope to reach for Subaru but I don't know with myself, I just can't bring myself to.
"No! Subaru! What are you trying to say!"
But Seishirou just raises an eyebrow, still grinning.
"Are you saying what I think you're saying, Subaru-kun?"
"Stop calling me that, Seishirou-san."
Seishirou laughs, "I don't have an idea but I like the sound of that. So are you good in bed? Do you think you can surpass Fuuma's bed skills?" Now Subaru is the one being teased by Seishirou.
...This confrontation isn't going anywhere!
But Subaru just replies straightforwardly, "Why don't you try me then?"
I become even more astounded.
"Subaru! Stop saying such words! You have nothing to do here! This is all about me!"
Subaru just completely ignores me. And so is Seishirou.
"I don't have a single idea if what is it you want from Kamui. And I don't care whatsoever. But I want you to take me instead of Kamui."
"You're entertaining me, Subaru-kun. Then I guess there's no harm in trying, ne?" Seishirou smiles a naïve smile, "Come with me and we'll try to figure things out."
"NO!" I try to wake Subaru's thoughts up.
I don't know what's running inside his mind now! He has never been like this before! He's acting completely odd!
Subaru gave me a small quick look as I try to open my mouth to pronounce more words. But I can't. Only wheeze comes out. Words won't let me grab them. I can't say a thing!
I can feel tears collecting into the corners of my eyes now when I don't have a sole clue why.
Seishirou moves towards Subaru's direction until they're standing face-to-face. He soon removes his sunglasses and smiles once more.
That irksome smile.
"Shall we go, Subaru-kun?"
Subaru just acquiesces, "Hai."
Then again Seishirou begins walking towards to where I'm standing, while Subaru is following him quietly.
"Su—Subaru…!" I whisper almost incoherently.
But they just pass right beside me. They didn't even look at me. As if I'm not standing there.
Although I hear Seishirou saying in a sinister tone, "You're spared today, little one."
Then, I hear my English book falling onto the ground.
Subaru didn't say a word as I chase them by my eyes.
I'm like frozen as they depart. I don't know what is the right thing to do now.
I never wanted Seishirou to kill me nor bed me but—I never imagined seeing Subaru with him!
How could Subaru even tell that selfish bastard to bed him!
I continue to stand there in bewilderment until they already vanished off my sight.
How can I be so selfish!
How can I let Subaru be with Seishirou while I'm just sitting here, doing absolutely nothing to save him!
"It's so nice to see you again... Shirou-kun."
Fuuma finally comes for the rehearsal.
I raise my head to meet with his golden eyes. He's smiling a little bit. I can't help but to blush with that when I shouldn't.
I want to embrace him and tell him that I missed him so much and I'm glad that I'm with him now.
I wonder if Fuuma wished for me too while we're not seeing each other. He's acting pretty usual at the moment. Like the way he used to when we didn't know yet that we love each other. I mull over how Fuuma can be a very great actor in front of the others. I hope too that I can conceal my feelings effortlessly just like the way he is doing right now.
Hizashi-sensei heads for us. She smiles and examines my body.
"Shirou-kun, are you sure you're feeling all right now?"
I shift my gaze to her.
I simply smile and nod, "Hai..."
"That's so good to hear. We were all very worried about you. I'm very sorry for what happened to you. Don't worry; the school is investigating on it." She reassures me.
But I know that's pointless now. What's done is done, it can't be undone. I'm quite sure that they're not going to get the culprits caught anyways. Especially if those bastards have a connection with that Seishirou. Damn.
Just then, I sense Fuuma glimpsing at me so I glimpse back.
He just gives me a very charismatic smile of his. Maybe that is his way of telling me that he misses me or that he still loves me.
I like that smile. I want to acclimatize myself with that smile.
I smile back but only slightly so that the others won't notice how passionate I can be to Fuuma. This isn't an easy job. Pretending not to feel anything for Fuuma at all is a big pain.
"So you think you can continue practicing now, Shirou-kun?" Hizashi-sensei cuts short our sweet little moment.
"I... think so..." I murmur.
"So... I think we shall go get started! The event is fast approaching; we have to get this done as early as possible!" Fuuma utters vigorously.
And Ms. Hizashi notices that vigor.
"Ne, Monou-kun, you sure sound so energetic today! Is it because of Sakurazuka-san?" she asks enthusiastically.
Both Fuuma and I gasp a little with that.
But he just smirks afterwards, "Sure."
"I said so!" Ms. Hizashi sniggers.
I fix my eyes on to the ground. How excruciating it is to hear that reply of his when I know that it's not true.
I hope I can hear him replying once that "no, it's because of Kamui."
I know... one day it'll come true. When we're free already.
Then I hear Fuuma whispers my name in an apprehensive voice that no one should hear but me, "Mauv— Kamui..."
"You're enjoying this as much as I do, aren't you...?"
"Aaaahh... St—Stop that... P—Please... It... hurts..."
"I love the way you moan. So cute. So childlike."
"Don't... touch me... there..."
"You're very... different from Fuuma. I thought you'll be rougher. But it seems to me that you're just as vulnerable as that little Kamui."
"Shut the hell up... Mh—ah—aaah… I'm—not doing this because of you. I'm doing this for Kamui only. Hnnn..."
"Soon you'll find yourself indulging in me, Subaru-kun."
"I t—told you never to address me that way..."
"You're a little bit shy, ne? Is this... your first-time?"
"Silence means yes."
"Painful... Stop that... haaah... I'm begging you..."
"Beg me more."
"You're so cute. I never thought you can be this innocent."
"Stop... talking nonsense..."
"Do you want me to get deeper?"
"No... Noooo... S—Seishirou-saaaaan...!"
We're currently having our play practice. I missed this like I missed Fuuma. I never thought that I'll take pleasure in stuff like this.
Fuuma is grasping my wrists now, as it says on the script, while everyone is watching us ardently.
I'm acting as a hesitant little brother now. I hope my acting skills are improving as we are rehearsing for this presentation. So it can help me in pretending that I'm completely uninterested in Fuuma.
"I told you stop seeing that fucking guy, Tsuki! That Hiroki guy!" Fuuma roars.
"Hiroshi! His name is Hiroshi, nii-san!"
"The hell I care! Stop seeing him!"
I cry in reply, "He's my friend! Don't I have a right to befriend someone I like!"
Fuuma frowns, still part of the scenario, "That's the problem! You like him and I—I don't like that!"
"You really are uncanny! You're not like any big brother I know!" I try to shake his hands off my wrist.
"Of course I'm not! Because I love you!"
"But I love you!"
"Shut up! You don't get what I feel! I love you! More than a brother! More than anyone else!"
"I—I…" I pause for a moment... And whisper, "I love you
too... more than anyone else..."
That's... not in the script. I just feel like saying it because I can't wait anymore to tell Fuuma again that I love him.
Fuuma's eyes blink with that. And so is everyone else. As if I just said the dumbest thing in the world.
"Cut!" Hizashi-sensei calls through her mega-phone.
Fuuma's grip to my wrists becomes softer. He looks perturbed now.
My eyes become murky and I whisper apologetically, "I'm... sorry..."
"Oh, that's okay! We can try it again later. We'll have a break for fifteen minutes," announces our considerate play director.
Everyone heads off the rehearsal room at once.
Until it's only Fuuma and I.
Right away, he holds my hand tenderly and directs me to sit down with him. I didn't say anything.
"Kamui..." He touches my chin so I can face him.
"Hmm...?" I stare at his eyes, asking.
"Is there something wrong with you?"
I just smile amiably, so he won't tire himself worrying about me, "Nothing..."
Actually, I'm bothered about Subaru right now. I wonder if Seishirou's actually in bed with him whilst Fuuma and I talk.
"Are you sure?" Fuuma says soothingly.
"Hai... Fuuma... I missed you so. Have you been okay?"
"Of course. I always think about you. I missed you a lot as well, Kamui. I'm so glad you're finally okay. Have your wounds truly healed?"
He grins passionately now.
"Can I kiss you, Kamui?" He queries innocently.
I blink then blush. It's almost a routine.
Fuuma draws his face nearer to mine lightheartedly, "Can I get a kiss today, Kamui?"
Oh my goodness, Fuuma. Why are you doing this to me? You do know very well my inclination and I love you for it.
I didn't retort. Instead, I just nod appealingly, "S—sure..."
He licks his sexy lips and moves it to meet with mine.
I close my eyes gradually and soon I can feel Fuuma's lips delicately touching mine.
That was brief but... it feels enchanting.
"I wish we can do this a lot of times..." He says afterwards.
"Kamui... I want to explain some things to you. About myself. I don't want you to hear it from other else." Suddenly, he is sounding very serious.
He shifts his emotions so quickly.
My lips still desire Fuuma's. So I'm not able to respond to him immediately.
Without my reply, he begins, "I think I mentioned to you before that... Kakyou used to be my lover."
"I met Kakyou several years ago. I met him in front of the Togakushi shrine, my family's shrine. He's very beautiful so I couldn't help myself but to be attracted to him. He looked so fragile. He kept on visiting the shrine because I asked him too. After some months I fell in love with him. He never told me back then that he loved me as well but I could feel it. And so we decided to live-in together. You see, until now we still share the same apartment room."
I listen to him carefully. I want to discover more things about Fuuma. It's just not enough that we are lovers.
Fuuma continues, "I was contented with him. We were so in love. He was naïve, just like you are. He let me hold him in my arms, kiss him lightly. I took care of him very well."
I don't know what to feel. Somewhere in the middle I'm feeling jealous. But he's talking about his past. I'm his present. So there's nothing to be vexed about.
I nod again.
"And then a certain meeting changed everything. Changed my life and Kakyou's life. And now it's changing yours."
Fuuma grips my hands tighter that it almost hurts. But I didn't tell him. I just keep quiet.
Now he's frowning a little bit, "I met Seishirou in a bar wherein some of my classmates before and I went to celebrate because we all passed a certain exam. We were having so much fun and I drunk a lot. Until we decided to play truth or dare. They dared me to come to Seishirou, and kiss him."
I start to look at his eyes.
"Maybe you know that I'm quite audacious and that I want to try all the possible things out there that can challenge me. And so I did what I'm told to just for the heck of it. I approached Seishirou and kissed him hard, on the lips."
I jerk a tad.
Fuuma's smile is wholly invisible already, "He was quite game that moment. Instead of wondering or pushing me away since we didn't know each other at all, he kissed me back fervently. I was so drunk, to the extent that I didn't know what I was doing anymore. And the worst part was... I had sex with him."
My hands turn cold and sweaty; especially that Fuuma is clasping it. My chest, on the other hand, is beginning to feel tighter with everything I'm finding out.
"I truly, utterly, regret that meeting. I was willing to give everything I had just to erase that particular point of time in my life."
"Did... Kakyou-san find out?" I ask him under my breath.
"Of course. I told him since I was so all over him, I never wished to lie to him. It pained me so much that he didn't get mad at me at all. Instead, he never said a word about it. He never left me."
Kakyou-san... truly loves Fuuma more than anyone else.
I hope... I can be the same to Fuuma.
"But Seishirou kept on seeing me. He blackmailed me about me having sex with him. One time, he went to our apartment room. We had a little argument. I told him to stay the hell of my life already. Then Kakyou, like he had never been before, joined in the argument. And I think he aggravated Seishirou big time."
Fuuma transfers his gaze to the ceiling.
"And after just a couple of days, Kakyou came home. Almost breathless. That damn Seishirou... he... he tortured Kakyou almost to-death!" His voice becomes louder, it's nearly frightening. "That's the reason why Kakyou is crippled now. He told me that Seishirou warned him about killing him next time they're going to see each other. I was very furious, I almost went crazy. Kakyou whom I took so much care for was almost killed by that heartless bastard! So I went to him and told him never to touch Kakyou again."
No, Kamui. There's no way to be jealous of Kakyou-san.
"...But he made a deal with me. He'd not kill Kakyou anymore. But in return, I had to be his lover who'll follow everything he wished me to do so. Because I loved Kakyou more than my life, I accepted the deal. I broke up with Kakyou. From that day on until today, I'm Seishirou's slave."
He sits more relaxingly now, "So you see I never really loved Seishirou. And he never loved me too. I know, he's just playing with me. Soon, he'll grow tired of me then maybe set me free. I think the time will come when he finds another prey and drop me off. I can't wait for that time, Kamui..."
And I begin to cry.
I pity Fuuma. I pity Fuuma because I love him so. I used to think that he was very stupid to go with somebody like Seishirou. Even though I like him so much, I couldn't help myself but to have sick thoughts about him sometimes. Because I'm not perfect. Nobody is.
I never knew that everything is so difficult for him.
How can I not see through him beforehand that he never really loves Seishirou?
He was right when he told me earlier that I'm numb.
He doesn't realize that I'm already sobering since his eyes are fixed at the ceiling. And I'm trying my best not to let him hear my sniffle.
"But you see... Because of that I became stronger. Kakyou never failed to understand me. Hence, up to now he's blaming himself about me being Seishirou's slave. He kept on setting his mind that it was his fault. That if it were not because of him, this wouldn't happen to me. After everything that has happened, I became inhospitable to other people. I become rough. I never want to involve myself with anybody from that day on. Until I saw you... You who are super beautiful and seemingly very naïve..."
Now I can't resist myself. With my free hand, I abruptly held Fuuma's hand which is holding the other one.
He gasps, "Ah--!"
Then he looks at me just to see my wet face.
He's surprised, "K—Kamui...?"
"Fuuma, I—" I try to speak clearly now.
"I love you! I'm so happy that... you're telling me everything I need to know! Fuuma, I feel very sorry for you, I'm so sorry I never noticed your pain before!" I embrace him tight then.
Soon I feel his other hand relaxingly caressing my head.
"Don't feel sorry for me. I never need it." He says calmly.
"Fuuma... I want to know... how did you fall out of love with Kakyou-san? He's... almost perfect. Beautiful, compassionate. How did you stop your feelings for him and soon love me instead?"
"Well... I just said that I didn't want to involve myself with others already. And that includes Kakyou. If ever Seishirou finds out that I still love Kakyou immensely, he might still go after him. I attempted my very best to not feel anything towards Kakyou. At least not to be so much attached to him anymore. And then you... caught my attention. Slowly, I fell for you, falling out of love with Kakyou who accepted my new feelings without any hard feelings at all. And then the rest is history."
At least that is satisfying to hear...
"Kamui, I... I never planned to get involve with you as well. I was contented watching you from afar, learning things about you from other people. I sure did my very best to act out as indifferent as possible to you. I even told Kakyou about you and he supports me greatly. He said I must approach you and stuffs like that. But I didn't. I know Seishirou might mess with you if ever I do. So I remained quiet about my feelings."
I rest my cheek on his broad shoulder silently. Still listening very carefully with what he's saying.
"But halfway, I became uncontrollable. I wanted to see you closer, talk to you, and hold you. It's like you used a very strong love spell to me. You noticed it, didn't you? How I told them not to let Nataku take your part in this play. It slowly became very difficult on me. It was never enough for me to watch you from afar. Then... we came to that moment wherein you were badly hurt. That changed everything. Am I right?"
"Hai..." I reply softly.
"I don't regret confessing to you my real feelings since it's because of that we're finally together now... I hope I don't regret it sooner. Ever."
Fuuma finally hugs me back.
"We will not. As long as we hold on tight together and never let go. Kamui... I love you... more than anyone else."
I can't reply yet. I'm still thinking over everything he has told me. I want to keep it registered in my mind.
And I'm still concerned about Subaru.
But I'm meaning to tell Fuuma that the feeling is mutual.
"I... I... give up now... St—Stop it already..."
"I expect you to last longer, Subaru-kun. Don't disappoint me."
"Tell me something. You're attracted to me, aren't you?"
"The hell I'm not..."
"Really now? You wouldn't be willing to do this if you're not attracted to me even just a little bit."
"How many times should I tell you that I—I'm... doing this—aah—for Kamui only..."
"Even for him someone wouldn't be so enthusiastic to do such a thing like this. You are a kind person, you're not very good with pretending."
Thoughts of Subaru and Seishirou keep on escaping my brain as Fuuma kisses me deeply. For the second time around.
AN: Thanks for waiting and reading:3 I hope you enjoyed this chapter:) Until next chapter!
Ne, do you think I should elaborate more on 'Verboten Love'? I mean, like writing a chapter of Kamui and Fuuma finally acting on the stage as Tsuki and Asahi, with complete script and plot:)
Nyah! THANKS AGAIN!