Middle-earth's Finest News Source Since 1379 Second Age
Aragorn Dumps Arwen!
"Mary Sue is so much sexier," says King of Gondor
In a move that no one expected, Aragorn son of Arathorn (otherwise known as Strider, Estel, Elessar, Isildur's Heir, Wingfoot, the Dunedain, and That Really Gorgeous Man Played by Viggo Mortensen) announced at a press conference on Wednesday that he has filed from divorce from his wife Arwen (also known as Undomiel, Evenstar, and That Elf Girl Played by Liv Tyler). "I've found a new love," the King of Gondor told reporters. "Her name is Mary Sue, and she fills me with a passion I've never felt before."
Mary Sue, our sources have revealed, is a teenage fanfiction writer who spends her time writing egotistical stories in which she saves Middle-earth and every single person in the Fellowship of the Ring falls madly in love with her. "So what if I'm old enough to be her father?" said Aragorn when our reporters mentioned the age difference. "Arwen is old enough to be my great-great-great-great- great- great- great-great-great –great- great- great- great-great grandmother, and no one finds that weird."
"That damn kid," said Elrond Halfelven, Arwen's father, when asked to comment. "I take him in when his father dies, I raise him as my own son, I even let my daughter marry him and give up her immortality. And what does he do? He leaves her for some teenage tart who can't even write decent fanfiction."
The reactions of the people of Gondor remain mixed. "She's going to be our new queen?!" remarked one woman who wished to remain anonymous. "I read some of her stories. They suck. Really bad. A black hole is the only thing in the universe that could possibly suck more."
However, Legolas Greenleaf, Aragorn's friend and companion in the Fellowship of the Ring, is optimistic. "I'm just glad he's happy," said Legolas, tearing himself away from the mirror long enough to say a few words to our reporters. "Besides, Mary Sue is hot. Almost as hot as me. Hey, I have a question. Now be honest. Do my roots need a touch-up?"
A look at the numbers that shape your world.
Are Frodo and Sam Gay?
12%No…Sam's got 13 kids, for God's sake!
17%Yes…and what's with all this "Master" stuff anyway?
24%I've never heard of two males who kissed, hugged, held each other's hands, talked about how much they loved each other, slept next to each other, and were straight.
14%Can't two people of the same gender be affectionate without everyone thinking
2%Let's hold a séance to contact Tolkien and find out.
15%Those Bagginses were always strange anyway.
3%Yes…and I hate Rosie.
5%That's what happens when hardworking hobbits interfere in the business of their betters and learn to read!
Peter Jackson Returned to Family
Tom Bombadil Agrees to Release Director After Week-Long Hostage Situation
After a long and terrible week of listening to non-stop renditions of "Hey dol! Merry dol! Ring a dong dillo!", Peter Jackson was finally released to the loving arms of Fran Walsh, his partner of many years, and their children, Kate and Billy. Tom Bombadil, the perpetrator of this horrible crime, has turned himself in to the authorities and is awaiting trial.
"It was worse than hell," said Jackson hours after his release, when he was finally able to stop sobbing. "He was angry that I didn't put him in the movie, and kidnapped me as revenge. I kept telling him, 'Tom, I'm really sorry, but the thing was really long already, and there just wasn't time for you,' but he wouldn't listen. And he kept going with that godawful poety, a deranged grin on his face the entire time."
Bombadil, a schizophrenic former shoe salesman living under the delusion that he is Eldest, living in Middle-earth since before the river and the trees, is expected to use an insanity plea in court. "I wish I'd gotten help for him sooner," says Tiffany Bombadil, his mother. "I should have known something was wrong when he started wearing those yellow boots. Really, where can you even find yellow boots?"
Goldberry, Bombadil's wife and daughter of Old Man Willow, refused to comment.
Mysterious Pipe-weed Leads to Hallucinations and Munchies
See LOCAL page 2B
Perfectly Rhyming Funeral Song Spontaneously Composed in Iambic Pentamter
See NATION page 4D
Existence of Dwarf Women Proven
See LIFESTYLES page 1E