-Ludicrous-Dedicated to Ludacris
My Lord Beastmaster has required from me a letter, which should be addressed, and written as if, to you.
Apparently, she has suspicions that I have feelings for you- you, of all people! Ludicrous. Completely ludicrous.
Firstly, Mazoku have no feelings. It is impossible to have feelings as a Mazoku, except fondness for destruction. I am afraid, no matter what you may feel and My Lord may feel, that I have no attraction whatsoever to such an irritating, obnoxious, naïve little Ryuuzoku.Xellos
My Lord Beastmaster has decided my previous letter inadequate, and requested that I write another one, addressed and written once again as if to you. She has also corrected me about my grievous error in the last letter, in which I stated that it was impossible for Mazoku to feel. I apologize for my misinformation.
Within this letter, I will attempt to explain why it is impossible for me to hold any feelings for you. For convenience, and to aid in your understanding, I will use examples from our little group of insanity.
Lina Inverse- sorceress supreme. All Mazoku have an attraction to power, and of course, as we both know, hers is immense. So, by all rights, I should be attracted to her, because of her power. Of course, she isn't completely lacking in beauty either, but Mazoku are also bred to recognize and detest beauty.
Amelia Wil Tesla Seyruun- justice child. Need I say more?
Gourry Gabriev- stupidity. Lack of power. Lack of attraction, mainly because he is blonde, idiotic, and more than a little weak. But really, the blonde factor never struck me as irritating until I met you.
Zelgadis Greywers- an enigma. Power, anger, sadness, all the things that should, by all rights, attract me to him. I don't understand. Perhaps I never will, what it is that turns me away from him.
And now we come to you. You, of course, being a Ryuuzoku (read: servant of the gods) are despicable to me, a Mazoku (read: servant of the Dark Lord Shabrinigdo). Your power is not small, but compared to that of your traveling companion Lina Inverse it is not large either. You are judgmental, naïve, overly righteous, and always trying in one way or another to irritate me. Every once in a while, you even succeed. How? And of course, just my luck, your anger irritates me as well. Why? Another thing I don't understand. In the beginning, it was amusing to anger you, and it was a huge power source. Later on, it began to bother me as much as I bothered you. Once again, why? What is it about you that causes this?
Questions, questions. My Lord, is this what these letters intend to create? Questions about myself and my being?Xellos
My Lord continues to deem my efforts inadequate. This will be the third letter I have written, addressed to you. Think- I have even begun to consider sending them! I wonder what reaction you would have-
I don't understand the requirements, my Lord. What is it I must discover? I have no feelings for the girl! Yes, girl. I am older than you. Older than you, much, much older. Dragon-child.
Why would I feel for you? Pity is not an emotion common to me. I destroyed much of your race, but you were not yet upon this existence those long years ago.
Why do you continue to keep your grudge against me? Is my aura really that annoying? Does it hurt you as much as your pure aura hurts me?
Ah, there. There is something you did not know. It hurts, whenever you come anywhere near me. It started right after I lost my ability to absorb your anger. An empty ache.
Heart- when Valgarv attacked us via the Astral Plane, it hurt my heart. Empty pain. Mazoku have hearts? My Lord failed to inform me of such. Heart- I grabbed the space where it should be- where it is, in humans and Ryuuzoku and other such creatures. Mazoku can't have hearts, can they? We on the Physical Plane are merely projections from the Astral Plane- where is a heart in a black tornado?
My Lord. I still fail to understand.
What does it mean when it hurts to be near you, and hurts to be away from you? What is wrong with me? Is this what my Lord meant when she said I had feelings for you? But that is still impossible. Isn't it?
My Lord is still not satisfied with my attempts to explain myself. Perhaps, I am not either. This is growing more confusing with each word I write. Another misinformation that my Lord Beastmaster has seen fit to correct. Mazoku are not created to destroy beauty. Once more, I apologize for misleading you.
Why do I care?
What do I mean when I say I cannot possibly be attracted to you? Would it not make much more sense that I was not? You have only about a tenth of my power capabilities, you serve the Dragon God, you're generally happy, and recently, since Valteira's egg hatched, you have had an air of contentment resting heavily on the air all around you. Why am I not nauseated? Why do I continue to secretly watch you, exerting energy that I should save for practical use to disguise my aura?
Mazoku … love destruction. It is one of the few things they allow themselves to love, because it is not capricious. Destruction is total, complete, reassuring in its never-changing ways. Destruction means that it is destroyed. Nothing more, nothing less. Gone. Demolished. No longer whole. It is safe to love destruction because it does not change. It is impossible to be hurt if one loves destruction.
Destruction … You think you have seen destruction. Dark bodies, strewn over a bloodied battlefield, golden spears still protruding from limp forms. Crude graves, little more than dirt thrown over death and markers uprooted from elsewhere over the dead. Created by a young, weeping child, still searching for his mother amidst the cruel snowflakes. Tears continue to trail down his young features, from a pair of bright, golden eyes-
Kaa-san … Okaa-san … Kaa-san?
Golden forms, fallen over the same grounds. Blood stains the soft white snow, falling again as it did millenniums ago. Frozen, only vaguely covered by earth, doing pitiful little to hide the horrible wounds inflicted upon them. Chains rattle, hanging limply off the same crosses that have stood across ages. A young woman stands, golden hair tossed by the wind. Tears shine, unshed, in crystal blue eyes, as she wonders of the futility of life-Doushite? Doushite?! Cepheid-sama, doushite?!
Destruction, little dragon? You have not seen destruction, my angel-child. Innocent little angel-child.
Destruction is fields, growing full of green, ripped open by a single spell. Black, charred earth is an ugly gash among the tender emerald. The farmer walks among the wreckage, salvaging what he can. Destruction is a body, multiple bodies, twisted and burned beyond recognition, thudding forcefully into the ground, destroying the rest of the crops.
Destruction is corpses, corpses of the young, the old, the prime, lying on the streets of a city, all dead, all bearing no marks except a brand upon their forehead. Destruction is the keening of relatives as they slowly file into the gates and search among the people for their loved ones.
Destruction is row upon row of dragons, skin still faintly glinting gold in the late afternoon sun, between the burns that ripped away the skin to the flesh underneath. Destruction is the insane laughter of the one who caused it.
Ah, my angel-child! No, you have not seen destruction. I do not wish you to. It would change you-
Isn't that what I wanted in the first place? To change you?
My Lord. I still don't understand. Will I ever? Is this really what humans call love? Why does it hurt so?Xellos
I continue to struggle to explain what this pain is. My Lord has ceased to request these letters, but I will understand, or … or …
Questions, that is all that I can pull from this exercise. What is love? Do I need it?
Why is it that the hurt has gone from when I'm near you? Why is it that you no longer throw things when I appear in your shop? What does that smile, the little one, the slight lifting of your lips, as you watch me play with baby Val, mean? What does the color rise to your cheeks when I lift my head to show I've caught you looking? Why does the smile, the blush, the quick glancing away, always make me feel … so … warm inside?
Mazoku are cold creatures. Of the Yin and the Yang, we are the Yin, without a doubt. And Ryuuzoku? Golden Ryuuzoku? Gold, the Yang, obviously, the worship of the Fire Dragon King, part of Cepheid. Why should I ever be attracted to you? What do the humans mean when they say opposites attract?
Opposites shouldn't attract, should they? If two people are the same, they are more likely to get along, which would make for a smooth relationship. Isn't this what is desired? If two people like the same things, have the same habits, then they would go from day to day happily settled in their routine, happily … happily … in love?
Why do opposites attract? Why do humans say that the Yin will want the Yang and vice versa? Do you want me? Do you …
Is that what the smile is? The tolerance? The …
Something. What is the warmth? The happiness? What is it called? I have no word for it, but it is there, tangible and yet intangible … can I touch it? Should I? What would happen?
What is this … something?Xellos
Five, now. Five letters I have written to you, yet not to you. Five is a strange number. A popular number. Often, people will want five in a group … Five is a group number.
Six were the ones who went to destroy Darkstar. Five were the companions of one Lina Inverse, the ones who revolved around her as smaller, lesser stars. Smaller characters is a large play, only there to support the main character.
Gourry Gabriev, Swordsman of Light, long-time protector, friend and surprisingly, heart. Zelgadis Greywers, chimera, friend, and supposedly only traveling with her in hopes of finding the Clair Bible, but really, a close friend. Amelia Wil Tesla Seyruun, princess, advocate of Justice, younger sister-type. Xellos Mettallium, Trickster Priest, just there, helpful at time, annoying mostly. Friend, sort of.
Filia Ul Copt, guide. Friend, but not close. Of course, we were all close … precious few can face dying with someone and not be close. But not close … not close from simply traveling together. You always held yourself slightly apart from the rest of us … why?
Now, when I visit, you no longer rant about disgusting, dirty, low, Mazoku. You no longer throw things, or whip that mace out. You don't hold your head slightly higher to stay away, wrinkle your nose, or just stay away. You play with Val even with me right beside you, you set out an extra plate the nights I visit- when I visit Val, allegedly. You even let me sit beside you at dinner.
And me? What about me? I … like you. Your spunky personality, matched perfectly with a pair of sparkling sapphires for eyes. Golden heart and golden hair. Kind, loving, generous smile, perfect lips. I like being near you. I like your cheeriness, you happiness. Though I shouldn't, though it should hurt me. I like your obvious moods, I like the way you are so easily read.
I like your aura, though it should burn. Did I mention? It has ceased to hurt. Out of nowhere, it switched from a harsh, painful flare to a soft, wonderful warmth. A warmth that makes me feel giddy, that makes me want to … dance around the world, singing anything and everything, smelling flowers and laughing at birds. Talking to squirrels and sassing chipmunks; my mind goes off on a one-way track of happiness. Somehow or other. Mazoku shouldn't feel happiness.
It's not normal, is it?
No, Mazoku don't get to feel happiness, do they?
We don't deserve it.Xellos
Apparently, my Lord has been secretly reading my letters. Where do you think I get the line "Sore wa himitsu desu"? I have been corrected again. Mazoku can feel happiness. Why? We have done nothing to deserve it …
I have done nothing to deserve it. I killed off most of your race, I used you, terrified you, irritated you …
I have done nothing to deserve happiness from being near you. Yet I receive happiness. Why? Why would you be kind towards a … creature like I am, who has done nothing but evil deeds and cause destruction and death? Why would you give anything unconditionally?! Why do I give you every kind feeling, everything that I have, without any cause? Unconditionally?
Humans say that love is …
And then …
I give you what kindness I have in my power … what happiness I have … my genuine smile … my … soul … unconditionally … because …
These are my letters. In them I have recorded my thought over the past few weeks … I will not go into detail and waste my time and yours by explaining. Reading through them should explain by itself. Just one warning, I would like to say: Please don't stop at the first letter because it is insulting. Please … I have to laugh. I think you are the only one I say please to willingly.
I have something to say that is very simple, three words, and yet I believe they are the hardest words in any language.
Filia, I think …
I know …
I … I love …
You hate me now, don't you? Just when we came to a slight truce, a tentative friendship, I have to break it by declaring something like this. No, you could never love a monster like me. But I must say this despite anything that might happen. Four words.
I love you, Filia.Xellos
I will take a leaf out of your book and get straight to the point.
I must admit I was very shocked by your letter, but also very relieved. No, I don't hate you. Quite the contrary, in fact.
I don't hate you, the exact opposite, actually …
I think you know what I mean, but just to clarify things, I suppose.
I love you too, Xellos.
Five words, but enough to change everything, isn't it? We'll just have to see how we'll adjust. But I believe it will be for the better.
I love you …Filia
KONNICHIWA MINNA-SAN!! Another Xel/Fi fic! Yay! Happy (belated) Valentine's Day! Yay! Eh. Ludacris, if you're reading this … I haven't a clue if you remember, but I wrote a short blurb-type fic called … um … Dammit, even *I* forget it! How are you supposed to remember?! Pwe. Five minutes!
*insert five minutes of nothingness here while loko-sama searches thru her files*
Slice of Heaven! Yay! I found it! Anyways, in it, I offered to dedicate a fic to anyone who asked … and you were the only one who asked … Hope I kept it simple enough for ya! Heh. Happy Valentines!
Oh yes. And ANYONE WHO WANTS A FIC REVIEW. And those that don't, REVIEW. FLAMES WELCOME!!!! I could use some constructive criticism … Kami knows I write crappy enough ^-^;;; *sizzle* So, who wants a fic? Anything at all!