*beep* *beep* *beep*
Xander woke up and scowled at his alarm. He'd been having a very nice dream involving two of his new friends.
He quickly got ready for the day, coming out of the bathroom to find an exhausted Control Freak on his sofa. "What's up?"
"Stumbled into the Karate Kid training montage on my way here," Control Freak replied tiredly.
Xander chuckled. "Do that twice a week and you'll end up ripped as Robin."
Control Freak's eyes widened. "Why didn't I think of that?"
"Because you were too busy having fun?" Xander guessed as he got dressed. "I mean, you get to play with all the toys of mankind's imagination, that is one hell of an amusement park."
"Yeah, that sounds about right," he admitted. "The montage was exhausting, but it might just be worth it to get in shape, not to mention learning martial arts."
"You could get a copy of an old Captain America movie and steal the super soldier formula," Xander said. "That would be a huge shortcut to fitness."
"I… I'm an idiot," Control Freak groaned as he realized how little of what he had access to he actually used.
"Some things are only obvious when pointed out by others," Xander replied. "Sliced bread was only invented in the last century and how obvious is that?"
"Huh," Control Freak said thoughtfully. "Still… I really should do something about the whole… mind, body thing."
"Go into Kung Fu: The Series and do those montages if you're worried about it, they are all about the mind and the body," Xander suggested.
"That would be awesome," Control Freak said. "Any other ideas?"
"Steal some Sensu Beans from Dragon Ball Z and take one between montages so you don't have to wait to recover," Xander said.
"Where do you come up with these things?!" Control Freak demanded. "I've had this ability for over a year and I never thought of them!"
Xander laughed. "Dude, me and my friend Jesse spent years talking about what we'd do with this ability, also if we could go into books or any of a dozen other things. Trust me, none of this is off the cuff."
"And now I feel better about things, thanks," Control Freak said cheerfully. "I think I'll get started on that right now."
"No problem," Xander replied. He retrieved his axe from the top of the dresser. "And now I'm off to have breakfast and train."
"Or you could go into a Conan the Barbarian movie and go through one of his montages," Control Freak pointed out.
"I could, but part of this is bonding with the Titans, and revealing I have my axe, so I can annoy Batman," Xander said cheerfully. "Also breakfast."
Control Freak laughed. "Have fun bro, I am off to seek enlightenment and Sensu Beans."
Robin looked up from his breakfast and raised an eyebrow. Apparently Batman had returned Xander's axe. He hadn't been expecting that. It seemed Xander was right about the League having no claim on his possessions despite their origins.
"Good morning," Xander said cheerfully, seeing Robin and Cyborg at the table. "Mind if I grab some breakfast?"
"Help yourself, Cereal's on top of the fridge," Cyborg said. "What's with the axe?"
"Practice," Xander replied. "I can't afford to get out of shape."
"Good attitude," Robin said with approval. "What type of training regimen do you do?"
"Well, normally just staying alive and fighting monsters provides more than enough exercise, but in this case I will be working on engraining some basic axe swings into muscle memory, since I have used one a total of three times," Xander said. "I'll probably swim a couple of laps around the island after that."
"Can you do a couple of laps around the island?" Cyborg asked, surprised.
"I'm part fish," Xander reminded him.
"Huh, forgot about that," Cyborg said.
Xander poured himself a bowl of cereal and joined them at the table.
"I'm surprised you don't have more experience with an axe," Robin said curiously, "most heroes specialize in a specific weapon, especially if they get their hands on one that's useful."
"I usually use a wooden stake or crossbow and occasionally a sword," Xander replied. "Axes are heavy and slow and hard to hide."
"Wooden stakes and crossbows?" Cyborg asked, surprised.
"Vampires," Xander replied. "I spend eighty percent of my time fighting vampires and they are much faster than humans."
"That often?" Cyborg asked in shock.
"I told you I basically live in a Stephen King novel," Xander reminded them.
"Yeah, but I didn't think you meant literally!" Cyborg complained. "Or maybe just not to that degree," he added a moment later. "It's still hard to process."
Xander snickered. "Sunnydale has the death rate of Detroit and a good number of them don't stay dead. Thank god for the summer lull."
"Sun gods are at their most potent during the summer which would cause Vampires to be more docile," Cyborg said. Xander's stupefied expression made him laugh. "I got some reading done last night."
"More than a little I'd say," Xander said, "None of us at home ever figured out what was going on during the summer. Heck, Willow even guessed they went on vacation."
"Oh glorious morning!" Starfire announced as she flew into the room, literally lighting up the place.
"Now that's a sunny disposition," Cyborg said with a grin.
"That reminds me, I have to call Joyce and let the gang know I'm ok," Xander said. "They're probably concerned as they've no doubt caught the news by now."
"Probably a good idea," Cyborg said. He gestured to a phone on the wall.
"Thanks," Xander said, getting up and grabbing the phone off the charger. He dialed in the number from memory. "Good morning, Joyce… Yeah, I'm fine… Aquaman has one hell of a right hook… He didn't know he was controlling me… Yeah, it's the fish in me… Actually Raven of the Teen Titans is teaching me… I will… Yes, I promise… Ok, put her on… Hey, Dawnie… Of course… No, I'm not going anywhere, I promise… I'll be back at the end of summer… Maybe a little before, but no promises… Tell everyone I love them… Of course I love you the most, bye!"
"That went a lot better than I thought it would," Robin said, amused at how easily Xander's friends seem to have accepted what had happened.
"Yeah, weren't they even a little surprised?" Cyborg asked in disbelief.
"Not really," Xander replied. "It was one of the least weird things to happen to me."
"You live in a Stephen King novel," Robin reminded himself.
"Name one stranger thing," Cyborg requested curiously.
"I would also enjoy hearing a tale of your life," Starfire said, grabbing herself a bottle of mustard from the fridge and taking a swig.
"Alright," Xander agreed. "Let me tell you the bizarre and embarrassing tale of Miss French, my science teacher."
Raven woke up with a start and quickly took a cold shower while her shadow-self flicked small objects around the room for no apparent reason.
After her shower she meditated a little, finally getting her emotions to calm down and her shadow-self to stop rearranging the furniture.
"I've never had dreams like that before," she said, glancing at her dream catcher, but a quick touch of her shadow showed no one but her had touched it.
Heading down for breakfast she met up with Beastboy.
"Rae!" he greeted her cheerfully.
Raven sighed. "Let me get some tea," she said.
"Oh yeah, not a morning person," Beastboy said, nodding and trying to tone down his natural exuberance.
"So there I am, chained to the wall in my science teacher's basement in my underwear, when Buffy and Willow bust in with a boombox and a baseball bat," Xander explained to the fascinated Titans as the two entered the dining room.
"Is this story as exciting as I think it is?" Beastboy asked hopefully.
"Yeah, but probably not in the way you're thinking," Xander said. "Willow hit play on the boombox and the room was blasted by ultrasonic screams of the common bat, magnified god only knows how much and Miss French twitches like she's having a seizure and turns into a giant Praying Mantis."
"That did not go anywhere I expected it to," Beastboy admitted.
"Same here," Raven admitted, going to make tea but listening closely to the rest of his story.
"That's why your former science teacher was found headless," Robin realized.
"Yep, she mated with him, killed him, and then took his place," Xander said. "Buffy beat her to death with a baseball bat, but even though the sound of the bat was causing her seizures it was a close battle."
"She was a meta?" Beastboy asked cautiously.
"No, she was a demon, possibly an offshoot of the succubus line," Xander said. "Thankfully they are rare."
"And what made this an embarrassing story?" Starfire asked curiously.
"She only hunted virgins," Xander explained, getting a round of laughter from everyone but Raven.
"That is one strange story," Robin said. "But why did she have you and your friend in the basement if she had already mated with the science teacher?"
"Because they mate multiple times a season," Xander explained. "I found an egg sac with sixteen eggs in the supply cabinet of the science room."
"What did you do with the eggs?" Raven asked.
"Stuck them in the freezer in my basement," Xander replied.
"Shouldn't you have destroyed them?" Robin asked.
"It's not their fault who their parents are," Xander replied. "Besides, their father was one of the few teachers I actually liked. I've got a lot more questions to ask about her species before I write them off as evil or a threat."
"Most people wouldn't hesitate," Raven noted, pouring her tea.
"Life is rarely that simple," Xander said. "I can't tell you the number of times we found out the villain of the week wasn't nearly as villainous as we thought they'd be. Things would be a lot easier if they were."
"I hear you," Beastboy said.
"Still, you'd expect situations involving demons to at least be black and white," Cyborg said.
"Nope, the colors are darker, but I've run into demons I prefer to some humans and humans as dark as the worst demons we've faced," Xander said.
"If you hadn't been under Aquaman's thrall, how would you have handled the situation with Black Manta?" Robin asked.
"I would have left it to Aquaman," Xander said. "I'm not skilled enough to face villains without going for the kill. I know my limitations."
"Were all the situations you faced life or death?" Beastboy asked.
"Probably," Xander said as he thought about the last three years. "Not always a lethal threat to me, but usually to someone."
"Doesn't anyone simply steal things?" Robin asked.
"Sure, but usually that's heading up to some sort of human sacrifice," Xander explained.
"And here I thought you were callous about taking a human life while the truth is you're rarely in a situation that doesn't end in death," Robin said. "Sorry for the attitude when you first arrived."
"Its fine," Xander assured him.
An alarm went off.
Robin whipped out his communicator. "Hive again," he growled out.
"An excellent start to the day," Starfire said brightly. "Would you like to 'ride along'," she asked hopefully.
"I wouldn't mind seeing you guys in action," Xander agreed.
"Just hang back and watch," Robin ordered.
"Not a problem," Xander promised.
"Then … Titan's go!" Robin yelled, thrusting his fist in the air dramatically.
Xander snatched up his axe and chased after them as they'd all leapt up and run out, Raven and Starfire taking to the air.
Xander watched the fight, staying well back from the action.
Starfire was exchanging blows with a huge guy who looked to have some Orc in his ancestry, named Mammoth. At the moment it seemed to be at a stalemate.
Turning to Raven, he saw she was exchanging magical blasts of energy with a girl who had the same grayish skin tone, but pink hair. They were also stalemated.
Cyborg and Beastboy were fighting some little bald kid with mechanical spider legs growing out of his backpack and a ton of clones of some guy who sounded like the reddest red neck who ever existed. Xander was pretty sure the guy was just overdoing his accent for a laugh.
And finally Robin was fighting some guy with a one eyed mask where half the mask was orange and the other half was black. He was pretty sure the guy was just toying with Robin. In fact he seemed to be training him.
After a few moments of watching, Xander ducked into Starbucks and ordered a dozen large mocha frappuccino's with lots of whipped crème and sprinkles, plus tons of cookies.
Walking up to Starfire and Mammoth, he said, "Break for a pick me up?"
5 Minutes Later
Slade and Robin fought furiously, with Robin going all out and just barely keeping pace with his foe.
"Damn, he's doing pretty well," Jinx said before sipping her drink.
"We're still getting paid, right?" Billy nervously asked, rubbing his head from where Cyborg had smacked him for trying to hog all the cookies.
"Our job is to keep the Titan's busy so he can fight uninterrupted," Jinx said, "we're still doing our job so we're still getting paid."
"And a lot less property damage that the city has to pay for," Mammoth offered.
Raven deflected a throwing disk with her shadow while sipping her coffee.
"Are you two related?" Xander asked as he looked from Jinx to Raven.
"I'm not even from this dimension," Jinx said, taking a moment to check Xander out.
"Neither am I," Raven said.
"Yes, but are you from the same dimension?" Xander asked.
"I think it's a man crush," Mammoth said suddenly, causing everyone to turn and stare at him. "What?"
Typing By: Abyssal Angel
TN: *wince* Here's hoping the kid doesn't literally try to steal the Sensu Beans… Considering the average farmer's power level is a five, and most of the Z fighters consider 9000 to be low and probably don't go below one hundred, I'm pretty sure Korin would sense and smack poor Control Freak around for daring to try and steal his rare Sensu Beans…