Phoenix Wright Ace Irish Student 2
Turnabout in Tir na nOg
(Pronounced Teer na n-Oh-g)
One rainy day Phoenix Wright was at the leprechaun races because it had just been raining and it left a rainbow, and in Ireland when rainbows appear we all grab our cash and run to the end of it because at the ends of rainbows are our holy lords, the leprechauns (They are servants of God) and they give us money from their pots of gold to use for gambling and then they have a race which is what we gamble on, last week I bet on Leppy and he fucking LOST what the shit man I want my money back he lost on purpose!
Anyway Phoenix decided to bet on Goldman because Gold medal wait shit now that I think about it he wins every race damn why didnt I think of that?
Anyway, Goldman was on his final lap and all his fans were roarin and drinking Giness or whatever we call it but they were getting drunk so they started fighting
Goldman crossed the finish line and gave all his money to the lucky winner Phoenix Wright
On his way home, Phoenix ran into Larry
"Heyyy Nick I sent our teacher that poster that I I mean we made with Edgey"
"Nice Larry we gonna win that competition for shit!" said Phoenix
Just then they saw a bunch of guys trying to move a giant stone
"Hey guys why are you moving that" said Phoenix
"Isnt this what people always do" said one of the men
"Huh true I think" said Phoenix when suddenly a sexy girl in light appeared
"Hello I am Niamh of the golden hair or is it spelled Naomh? I don't know Wikipedia says Niamh but thats not what I remember."
"What no its pronounced Neev you absolute fucking American." said Niamh
"Seeeeexy" said Larry
"Yeah whatever" she said pushing him away and he was like WHAAAAAAAAAAAAA
"Anyway my best friend Oisin got arrested for some reason we need an ace attorney to solve this crime."
"Sorry my lady but I'm a hobo selling burgers because this education system is more fucked up than the legal system in Khura'in."
"Dont worry thats not a problem at all" said Niamh giving him a cardboard attorney's badge"
"Thatll never work" said Phoenix but meanwhile in an alternate universe Furio Tigre was defending Maggey Byrde so it was fine
Phoenix went off on his journey to save Oisin. Niamh told him she would wait for him in the courtroom in Tir na nOg, so Phoenix got out Google maps and searched for Tir na nOg.
"Okay, it says here that Tir na nOg is somewhere across the sea, lets go"
Phoenix got on a boat and kept rowing until he eventually landed somewhere across the sea
"Hello, people of Tir na nOg" said Phoenix
"Is that fuckanese for the European Union, well we arent part of that any more so try again" said Professor Layton
"Shit this isnt the right place" said Phoenix so he got out a magic globe and looked for Tir na nOg and he found it but at that moment
"Dont touch that" said a guy and he took away the globe
"Damn" said Phoenix "Fortunately I memorized the route to get there on the globe so lets go"
Phoenix ran up the hill to find Tir na nOg, the land where nobody ever ages or dies
"Wait if noone dies in Tir na nOg then how was someone murdered" thought Phoenix but not for long because he ran into people
"Oh its terrible this giant is attacking the earth" said an old man
"Guy u crazy" said Phoenix but then a giant fell from the sky
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA" screamed the giant cause hes scared of mice and Phoenix was as small as one to him and he fell down and died
"Okay now can I go" said Phoenix
"No" said old guy "Because we have more filler quests for you Knight Wright, you see theres this town full of fucking annoying people who are rich and we hate them so please exterminate them at once"
Phoenix was suddenly in a big city called Rath Chormaic and there was an ugly blond old bitch and she was carrying garbage out of her house but you wouldnt think thats what she was doing because the way she was dressed youd think she was there for the presidents birthday party
"Yas, HALLO you FILTHY little scrub man, I am Lisin and I am the FINEST lady in Rath Chormaic"
Phoenix looked behind him where she was pointing and all the ladies were glaring at her because they couldnt be as perfect as she was
"Yes, AS you can see, I am the most perfect woman in the world and everyone is jelous of me, not to mention I am gettin married to the most HANSOME man in town, Pole."
"WHAAAAAT POLE" shouted Phoenix and he grabbed out his handcuffs "You are under arrest for NECROPHILIA!"
"WHAT HES DEAD" shouted Lisin "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO" she ran onto the road crying and she got hit by a car and died
And then her ghost came down from Heaven, the land of the perfect, and cleaned her body because her clothes got dirty and thats ugly
"No Lisin" shouted a guy with a name tag saying "Pole" and he took out a gun and shot himself in the head
"AHHHH oh well he had illegal possession of guns anyway" said Phoenix
Just then Lisins ghost realized she could possess her body so she was alive again
"HA HAAAAAAA I RETURNED" shouted Lisin
"AHHHH A ZOMBEE"
"no" said Lisin "I possessed by body as a ghost I havent come back from the deid or something stupid like that ANYWAY Im gonna kill you now because your dirty and this place is for rich people only, BYE BYE"
she took out a gun and aimed it at Phenix but then a PHONE BOOT APPEARED OUT OF NOWHERE
"Yes goodbye mother" said a small round pink guy who was talking to his Japanese Mother (if u dont get it, its a metaphor for how we are saying goodbye to any hope of an offical Mother 3 localization, its relevant because we do the same for DGS)
who are u said Phoenix
"I am here because YOUR FANFIC OFFENDS" he grabbed a weird machine and shot it into the sky and I WAS DRAGGED INTO THE FIC
Pink man grabbed me and punch me to death but I barely surived when Phoenix objected to him
So I got away and ran with Phoenix
"I WILL MURDER YOU FOR OFFENDING ME AS AN AUTHOR ACEJAKKIDFUCKER" screamed Pink
Phoenix and me hid in someones house for the night
"Who are you" said Phoenix
"I am Ace Jakkid Fan" said Ace Jakkid Fan
"Why does that pink thing want you dead"
"Because my writing style offends him 100%"
"Damn fuck this world"
Then the lights turned on and a guy came down
"Intruders" shouted the man "My name is Cathal O Searcaigh and you are CRIMINALS"
"OH NO" shouted Phoenix and he ran to hide in a box and he opened it and there were little bois in there "wait What the FUck why are these here"
"AHHHHH" screamed Cathal "Youuu creepy man you invade my childrens priv-a-see, you PEDOPHILE"
"I want home" said the boi
"EEEAAAAAAAAGH" screamed Cathal
Phoenix and me approached Cathal
"Pedophile" said Phoenix "My name is Phoenix Wright and you are CRIMINAL"
We ran to gab him but he jumped out the window onto the roof
"HEY, IF THERE ARE ANY MURDERERS LOOKING FOR PHOENIX WRIGHT AND ACE JAKKID FAN THEYRE IN MY HOUSE"
At that moment the door broke down and Lisin and the pink thing were there
"Okay Kirby lets fight these skrubs" said Lisin
"OKay" said the pink thing who was Kirby all along, and he inhaled Lisin and copied her ability of being a bitch "Ha, now were combined you cant fight us" said Kirby who is Lisin (who I call Lisby)
"But now we only have to kill one person" said Phoenix
"YEAHHH" shouted me "And that person is a pink circle"
"Shit that was bad idea" said Lisby and he (wait would it be he or she or genderfluid or what) tried to shit Lisin out but she was reduced to shit "Well too late lets fite"
Lisby ran to us and started bitching about the dirty people that lived in the West of Ireland and how she was better than all of them and how mothers always said their kids were the best because they were ignorant to the fact that she Lisby was the one who was truly the best wait whered Phoenix and me go
Oh thats Wright we were running the fuck away from that house because Jesus Christ that rant is so bad im not gonna make a signle quote from it
Thats when the rain stopped and a rainbow appeared and we were at the end of it so leprechauns appeared
"Aight laddie heres your potta gold start gamblin" said Leppy
"FUCK YOU LEPPY YOU COST ME GOLD" shouted Phoenix
"Shut the shite up lad" said Leppy "Now you ahhh ahh ahh I sorry but only people who sat the Leaving can gamble"
"WHAT" shouted Me "But Im in Fifth Year!"
"Dont worry well sneak you into the exams" said Phoenix
So we sneaked into the exam hall and they were doing Irish
"Okay Im not too bad at Irish so Ill sit part of the exam and then I can say I did the Leaving" said me and I jumped in and grabbed a seat
"K Hello everyone" said the teacher "Lets start the listening exam"
"Listening whats that" said me and they turned on the tape
"QUIDGE AH, LAY AMIN SA CURAMAC SA PAWPAIR SA THROWACA AGUS NA KESTCHANA ARHAUM AR QUIDGE AH"
"Wow wtf exam hasnt started and Im already confused wtf was that" said me
"GA DOEY AN TESTACH ORAN" said the tape "HOIWOFWU FWRIOFNWIVTE V4T0OENCV34 VT3O4PNM[9 VT3540OPNF TOV045JN3F T53FION VT54OJTV450VT54 VT54 VTQEF EFQ RW GWR GRWF WER GTEWTVGRW 53FRWFVC RVWCVRW VRW"
"wat" said me
"GA DOEY AN TESTACH ORAN HOIWOFWU FWRIOFNWIVTE V4T0OENCV34 VT3O4PNM[9 VT3540OPNF TOV045JN3F T53FION VT54OJTV450VT54 VT54 VTQEF EFQ RW GWR GRWF WER GTEWTVGRW 53FRWFVC RVWCVRW VRW"
"Hope you got all the questions right students now hand over your exams" said the teacher
"God dam this I was allowed do those races last week this town must have weird rules I guess"
So plot twist I got 0% but at least I sat the Leaving
But by the time we got back the Leprechaun races were over
"So who won" said me "Was it Goldman"
"NO" raged Phoenix with a red face "It was fucking LEPPY FUCK THIS SHIT MAN I JUST LOST TWO POTS OF GOLD"
"What the Hell but Goldman always wins"
"Hey your right, there must be cheating"
"Thats a good conclusion" said Phoenix and he called the police
"Hey pal whats goin on" said Detective Gumshoe
"Hi Gumshoe someone cheated in the races"
"Okay pal, I think it was Leppy"
"WHAT" shouted Phoenix
"Yes, Leppy was tired of always losing so he cheated"
"OBJECTION" shouted Phoenix "No hes not the only suspect look at the list of people who voted as you can see everyone voted for Goldman except one person voted for Leppy"
"But who is that pal" said Gumshoe
"It was CATHAL O SEARCAIGH"
"NOOOOOOOOOOO" screamed Cathal "FUCK YOU PHOENIX!"
So Cathal was arrested and we continued to Tir na nOg
"So where is this Tir na nOg place anyway" asked me
"Its somewhere across the sea of Ireland"
"But were not in Ireland were in UK"
"Yeah so were across the sea"
We went over the hill and there it was
"Thats it thats the Tir na nOg"
"How you know"
"Cause everyones young"
"Oh thats true"
So we went down to Tir na nOg and Niamh was waiting at the courtroom
"Okay your defending Oisin now kill them!"
Phoenix and me went into the courtroom
COURTROOM NO 4
The court began
"The prosecution is ready" said Edgeworth
"Edgeworth what are you doing here"
"People were saying I was getting old so I came here so I would never get old"
"Okay anyway Im ready"
"Now Ill make my opening statement" said Edgeworth "Oisin is accused of murder, and I have Gumshoe to testify"
Gumshoe came to the stand
"Oisin killed a man"
"HOLD IT" shouted Phoenix "Wheres the crime scene"
"The crime scene is in Tir na nOg"
"OBJECTION" shouted Phoenix "This is an ad for Tir na nOg and it advertises that here you will NEVER DIE!"
"Objection" shouted Edgeworth "That doesnt include murder"
"SHIT" shouted Phoenix
"Ha ha, continue your testimony Gumshoe"
"The crime scene was really bloody pal"
"OBJECTION" shouted Phoenix "Theres no blood anywhere"
"WHAAAAT" shouted Gumshoe "But what does this mean"
"I dont know what do you think Ace Jakkid Fan" said Phoenix
"Mr Lawyer a murder must always leave blood the fact that theres no blood can only mean one thing"
"Huh? OHHHHH" shouted phoenix and he slammed the desk "If there was no blood at the crime scene that can only mean that the crime scene was SOMEWHERE ELSE"
"OBJECTION" shouted Edgeworth "But our witness saw the crime, come to the stand."
He called him in and it was LISBY
"HA, you arent done with me yet" said Lisby
"WHAT, you stalker"
"Whatever" said Edgeworth "Testify"
- what i saw -
"I saw the murder at the crime scene"
"Oisin killed him with a knife"
"He then cleaned up the crime scene by putting the blood in a towel"
"HOLD IT" shouted Phoenix "What did he do to the towel"
"He threw it in the bin"
"OBJECTION" shouted Phoenix "This is the towel that was in the trash"
"Ok so hes telling the truth" said Judge
"No" said Phoenix "The towel ISNT covered in blood"
"WOHHHHHH" shouted Judge
"OBJECTION" shouted Edgeworth "Its a towel, maybe it cleaned itself"
"BUT THE BLOOD HAD TO GO SOMEWHERE ELSE"
"AH" shouted Phoenix
Edgeworth slammed the desk
"This can only mean one thing"
"What" shouted Phoenix
"There was no blood anywhere"
"OBJECTION" shouted Phoenix "But we have Gumshoes testimony"
"But Gumshoe isnt a witness hes the detective"
"SHIT" shouted Phoenix
"By the way Wright theres one thing I forgot to mention... WE DIDNT FIND THE BODY"
"WHAT" shouted Phoenix "But what does this mean"
"Hmmm" thought Edgeworth "AHHHHH" he slammed the desk "This can only mean ONE thing"
"You already said that"
"I know" said Edgeworth "But theres no blood, body, or evidence which can only mean THERE WAS NO MURDER"
"IMPOSSIBLE" shouted Phoenix
"Witness" shouted Edgeworth and he pointed at Lisby "YOU HAVE LIED TO THE COURT"
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO" screamed Lisby and he she it whatever got arrested for perjury
"OBJECTION" shouted Phoenix "Wait what am I doing."
"SHIT I JUST KILLED MY CASE" shouted Edgeworth "I mean um OBJECTION... me, I have no proof there was no murder"
"Shit what do we do Ace" said Phoenix
"Hmmmmm" thought Me "Edgeworth built a good case for us but he forgot the evidence that HE was right"
"But now he has no evidence that hes right now either" said Phoenix
Just then Gumshoe came in
"Hey pal we found a body" said Gumshoe
"YES perfect timing Gumshoe is it the victim" said Edgeworth
"Um no its an old man" said Gumshoe "It is"
The courtroom waited in suspense
"Who is it" said Phoenix
"It is" said Gumshoe
"WHO" shouted Edgeworth
"It is" said Gumshoe
"What" shouted Phoenix "But that means THERE WAS NO MURDER"
"OBJECTION" shouted Edgeworth "Ok but there is now, and it was probably suicide so hes still on trial"
"YOU CANT PUT SOMEONE ON TRIAL FOR SUICIDE"
"We did in Turnabouts of the Father, we can do it here too, now make an argument."
"But how" said Phoenix
"Mr Lawyer, think, if the defendant was dead all along why are we here"
Phoenix thought about why they were there
"Your Honor, we are here... because Niamh told us to be here!"
"Uhh okay but what does that matter."
"I think Niamh is really suspicious, why would she tell us Oisin was on trial if hes clearly not... OBVIOUSLY BECAUSE SHE LIED"
"Hmmm good point" said Judge "Call Niamh in, we must figure out why she lied"
Niamh came in and she was AAAANGRY
"Well Niamh" said Phoenix pointing "Why did you lie to us?"
"I didnt" said Niamh "Allow me to explain"
"I didnt lie to you"
"That victim is not Oisin"
"Oisin was a young man not an old man but the victim is old so it cant be him"
"OBJECTION" shouted Phoenix "The witness is tricking us Your Honorable"
"How" said Judge "Seems like a valid point tbh"
"No! This is Tir na nOg, the land of Youth" said Phoenix "Everyone here is young, so when you step out... YOU RETURN TO YOUR NORMAL AGE"
"Are you saying..." said Judge
"Yes" said Phoenix "Oisin is hundreds of years old! The killer killed him BY THROWING HIM OUT OF THE COUNTRY!"
"Using the country border... AS A MURDER WEAPON" shouted Judge
"OBJECTION" shouted Edgeworth "You have no proof Oisin is 100 years old"
"Yes I do, because according to DNA results, he is the son of some Fianna guy, who are 1000 years old"
"NOOO" shouted Edgeworth
"OBJECTION" shouted Niamh
"Okay, Oisin is young."
"But that doesnt mean I lied."
"Some random person told me and I believed them"
"Dammit" said Phoenix "What now"
"Mr Lawyer" said AJF "We must pursue another line of questioning, motive"
"Okay motive whats your motive" said Phoenix
"I met Oisin when I was going around Ireland on a magic horse"
"He was really sexy so I asked him to come to Tir na nOg to fuck him"
"So he came with me"
"HOLD IT" shouted Phoenix "Wow this Oisin guy sure is a-"
"YOU GONNA FINISH THAT" she used her golden hair on him
"Nothing" said Phoenix "(WAIT A FUCKING MINUTE)"
"Your Honor, Oisin didnt come here because he liked her, there was another reason"
"And whats that" said Edgeworth
"We can figure that out by asking why Im here" said Phoenix "When Niamh came to me and asked me to come here and defend Oisin I did so instantly"
"But why Mr Wright"
"I cant answer because theres no reason why I would... in fact theres a reason why I would NOT"
Phoenix presented Larrys poster
"Im still in school because I failed the Leaving Irish, and we had a poster competition with a great prize. Larrys I mean OUR poster is the best so we were gonna win... but I missed the prize by coming here"
"What" said Edgeworth "Oh shit, SO DID I!"
"You see Edgey, theres only one reason we came here... Niamh!" Phoenix yelled and pointed at her "You cast a spell on us to make us come!"
"EAAAAAAGH" screamed Niamh and her hair flew everywhere
"Get you and your fairy tail crap out of my court, this is no place for children!" shouted Judge
"But your honor, this is a land of youth! Shorely you can believe this too"
"OBJECTION" shotued Niamh "Spells like that require shiny objects and I dont have any"
"Yes you do" said Phoenix "You have something VERY shiny, and it is right here"
He presented her profile
"Im not gonna be weak like Godot, be more specific" said Niamh
"Okay" said Phoenix and the pointer thing showed up so he pointed at her hair
"TAKE THAT" shouted Phoenix "Its your hair, Niamh of the golden hair"
"AAAAAAH" shouted Niamh
"Thats right, earlier just now I was gonna insult your dickman, but your hair got shiny, that was you casting a spell on me to NOT SAY IT"
"But how is that important" said Niamh
"You did the exact same thing to Oisin... YOU CAST A SPELL ON HIM TO MAKE HIM COME"
"NO" shouted Niamh
"And now the reason you killed him, why would Oisin run home if he thought he loved you so so so much" said Phoenix and he pointed at her "YOUR SPELL WORE OFF"
"NOOOOOOOOOOOO" screamed Niamh
"You killed him because he didnt magically want your tits" shouted Phoenix
"AAAAAAAAAAAAH" screamed Niamh and all her golden hair fell off her head and she was bald and all her magic wore off everyone who ever loved her
-AFTER THE TRIAL-
"That was an amazing trial Mr Wright" said me as I Phoenix Edgeworth Gumshoe and Judge all went home on a magic horse
"Yeah, it was the best" said Phoenix
"I expecally liked when I became a defense attorney like in T&T" said Edgeworth
They got back to Ireland but something was wrong
The sign up there said "Welcome to Ireland in 4017"
"WHAT 4017" shouted Phoenix "What happened"
"Ha ha ha" laughed Niamh ghost "A day in Tir na nOg is 2000 years in Ireland! Now if you step off that Tir na nOg horse, you will become 2000 years old and die instantly"
"Dammit were doomed" yelled Edgeworth
"TIME TRAVEL WASNT ADVERTISED YOU ASSHOLE" shouted Phoenix
"Well good thing Im an evil witch so advertising laws dont concern me" she laughed
Phoenix thought about what they should do he was about to go back and live in Tir na nOg for the rest of his life but he remembered the poster competition so he had to get back there and win it before it was too late
"OBJECTION" shouted Phoenix "You say if we step off onto Ireland land we die?"
"Yes" said Niamh
Phoenix shook his head
"Impossible. If thats what will happen to us..." he pointed at the ghost "...then WHY ISNT THE HORSE DEAD YET?"
Niamh started sweating
"Well because because because... um um UM..."
Phoenix slammed the horses head and it screamed in pain
"Because your trying to lie to us AGAIN! But this time, you dont have golden hair to convince us of it, so please go back to the bottom of Hell where you belong and well go back to our normal lives."
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO ILL COME BACK TO HAUNT YOU PHOENIX TRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIITE" she yelled as the devil (who is Dahlia, she works part time as Satan) came and dragged her into Hell
"Well Edgey its still 2017 lets go win that competition if we still can"
We jumped off the horse and we all turned 2018 years old because actually Niamh was telling the truth and we all died, LOL.