a/n: This is a parody of Severus/Harry fics. Okay, the more outrageous ones. This is meant to be humorous, please, don't take this seriously. This is just the first chapter.

Warnings: Slash, under aged snogging, etc...

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter and all related trademarks.

Dedication: this is dedicated to Moonblade, who wanted to see a Harry/Severus fic. *grins* this one just happens to be a parody. Also, this is dedicated to Queen Strata because she had to put up with me on IM and me sending her the paragraphs of this fic one by one as I typed them up. Besides, she already dedicated a fic to me just because. *glomps QS*

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Harry was being abused, horribly, for things that were not his fault. Yet, he knew that he mustn't give up hope because, well, that would be wrong. He was supposed to atone for the deaths that he had caused. If he died before than, the world would probably implode, as opposed to explode if he didn't stop one of Voldie's mad schemes.

Harry lay in a pool because that is what he was supposed to do in the situation. It wasn't like he couldn't call the police the first instance that he was hit, even though that is what a logical person would do, since it was child abuse and all.

Harry lay in a pool of blood, which was already explained, in his cupboard under the stairs, which hadn't been explained but everyone should know why he was there, since it was where he always ended up. Well, unless the person was really twisted, and than he ended up outside, on the mud in a rainstorm in the dark. However, the person wasn't twisted all that much, so he is in the cupboard, knowing that rescue was never coming. See, he had tried to write a note asking for rescue, but he was called by his uncle to do some chores and the note was gone when he got back. He never stopped to think that maybe Hedwig, who had been there as he was writing the note, could have taken it. He just figured that it had been seen by Dudley and that was why he had just been punished.

So anyway, Harry was in a hopeless situation. He had no chance of being rescued, with the letter missing and Hedwig doing her typical disappearance act when he desperately needed her. So, he waited for his death, in the puddle of blood, and hoped it wouldn't hurt too much when he died.

Meanwhile, across Britain in Scotland at Hogwarts, because we all know Severus Snape has no life outside of teaching and Hogwarts, sat the aforementioned Severus Snape. He was in his study, drinking tea, because that is what all British people drink. They don't drink milk or soda or coffee or alcohol. They only drink tea. He was drinking tea at his desk next to a window, even though he was head of Slytherin and their wing was in the dungeon.

Anyway, a bird, an owl to be exact, an owl that belonged to Harry Potter to be more exact, even though there were hundreds of owls at Hogwarts and to recognize one that didn't belong to you would be difficult, suddenly flew through the window and dropped the half-written letter that was written in blood on Snape's desk. Snape stared at the letter for a moment, wondering why the bird dropped it off here when Dumbledore was in London and so much closer to where Harry was at the moment. Besides, he was sure Harry would have been resourceful enough to hide some ink and a quill somewhere and not have to write a letter in blood.

Snape suddenly sprang into action. He had to go rescue Potter, even though he was miles away and could be dead by the time he got there. Snape ran through the castle to grab a broom, because it wasn't logical to apparate outside the range of the wards on Privet Drive and walk the rest of the block to Potter's house. No, he had to take the broom the whole way there.

After several hours, while Harry was lying in a pool of blood, still alive because he has more blood in his body than any one else on earth, Snape landed on the doorstep of #4 Privet Drive. He started to bang on the door, though it would have been more logical to cast alohamora on the door and escape quietly with Potter. No, he had to wake the muggles and put the boy's life more at risk.

With a loud growl, Vernon opened the door, even though it was the middle of the night. He wasn't smart enough to call the police about a crazy person in a dress banging on his door. He opened the door where he was pushed aside as Snape made a mad dash for the cupboard, even though he supposedly had no idea as to where Harry was being kept by his muggle relations.

He gasped in shock at Harry, though he had to have known he was in danger of dying since he was responding to the letter, which was written in blood, from someone he supposedly detested. He picked the child up tenderly because it would have been intelligent to cast a Wingardium Levisio that wouldn't have moved his body at all. It wasn't as if the boy could have a spinal injury and that it was safe to move an injuries person with possible neck and spinal injuries. After all, Harry was just lying in a puddle of blood.

Snape ran with Harry outside the house and suddenly apparated away with him, even though it was dangerous and he couldn't apparate into the area. They came back at the Snape manor, because Snape was rich, which really explained him working as a teacher. Anyway, Snape summoned one of his house elves to care for the poor child, who was still bleeding.

The house elf, named Missy for some odd unknown reason, started to bind the child's wounds, finally, as Snape left to get one of his potions that would heal most of the wounds. It wasn't as if he could cast accio for the bottle. That would only make the bottle appear faster and stop the prolonging of the child's agony.

Snape came back with the bottle, and forced it down Harry's throat, because he was still unconscious. Witch probably shouldn't surprise anyone because of all the blood he had lost. Harry started to glow in a bright white light, because no one seems to like the other colors Harry could glow.

Harry was suddenly fully healed and was now resting peacefully. Snape finally used accio for a book to read and sat in the armchair that suddenly had appeared in the room, and sat watching over Harry.

Over the days that passed, Harry would wake for only moments at a time, just long enough to sip the chicken noodle soup Snape had made, because he knew how to cook even though he had house elf's cooking for him at home and Hogwarts since he was too young to remember.

Harry knew he was safe and warm. He never panicked at the idea that he wasn't at Hogwarts, because he was feed daily for a change. For some reason, he was falling hard for whoever was caring for him, because he could.

Harry opened his eyes and stared at the man who was in the armchair next to him. He knew he was in love with this man, even though he had never thought of himself as gay or even bi before. It just happened, because that is how these things go. The man was beautiful, with longish black hair and white porcelain skin.

It wasn't till the angel before him opened his mouth that Harry learned it was Snape. Really, it was the light from the torches that made Snape look swallow-skinned, even though Harry had seen him outside in the daylight on numerous occasions.

"Well, Harry," the man said, even though he had never in his life called Harry, "how are you feeling?"

Harry didn't speak; as he was too busy checking out the fine figure Snape made in muggle clothes even though he was a pure-blood wizard that had become a Death Eater. It wasn't as if the death eaters didn't like muggle things or anything like that.

Snape started to blush when he realized what Harry was doing, even though Harry had just woken up and was still weak from all the blood he had lost.

Snape didn't really react as Harry, who was supposedly extremely weak, threw himself at Snape and kissed him patiently. When he finally did react, it was to bring Harry into a deeper kiss, even though Harry was his student and under-aged and the fact that snogging with Harry was illegal never passing through his head.

It wasn't until a loud cough was heard from the doorway that the two separated. In the doorway stood Dumbledore, who had somehow known that Harry was at Snape Manor instead of the Dursley's and hadn't thought to check up on Harry before now.

"Please, gentleman, would you please tell me why I come to visit my godson, Severus, and find two enemies snogging?" he said, even though Severus had never known before than that he was Dumbledore's godson.